Author sally12adams Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Caring less about the investment in any particular person, as well as the outcome of any particular interaction. People can be replaced/ended and arguments/discussions can be lost, won, or tabled with equal emotional investment and result. Fear of loss is mitigated. Generally, fear, of something, drives inhibition. Process the fear and the inhibition is affected. In my case, I cared too much for my own emotional health and feared the loss, so challenging unhealthy dynamics was a soul-wrenching act and the processes of marriage, along with MC, cured that. So you're saying caring less works?
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Then he's in the other category that doesn't want to deal with the consequences of telling a woman what his true thoughts are. Some people can be neurotic about things when you point something out that bothers you about them. So sometimes it's just easier to ignore it in case that person is one of those neurotic people. Why would you want to remain in a relationship with a neurotic person?
Author sally12adams Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Absolutely. How someone fights tells a lot about a person. The way he does it is rude and immature. People are going to argue but if his leads to fault-finding and name-calling then it suddenly becomes all about you and nothing about him. Then he doesn't have to look inward and face his own contribution. Not good... Totally. Now I wish he would just disappear.
Author sally12adams Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Yes, it is shutting down...it's giving up on the fact that you can work out things, and that's in a way the same thing as saying I'm giving up on the relationship...because without resolving those issues/conflicts the relationship cannot grow or progress....many people still stay in relationships mind you, and still "technically" progress, like get married, buy a house, have children..but the relationship really never took off at that point, it's the same arguments, same disagreements, same inability to see eye to eye...eventually the relationship could end or lead to a break up, it's just really what both of you are willing to accept...if you accept the fact that things will never approve or you just magically hope they will some day then both people can certainly stay together, even if there is a large gap/bridge between them. Instead of worrying about whether it will lead to a break-up, the bigger question is what is the quality of the relationship you will have with this person...If all your worried about is losing the relationship, then that goal is misguided and you're basically saying that communication or whatever else is worth not having, as long as the relationship doesn't end. Your problems don't just magically change or go away in time, If anything you just become so used to not having it you forget what it was like to have it, which is easier if you've never had a relationship with solid communication in the first place....which wouldn't surprise me. It's when you know what could be better, or what is better....that makes it hard. I tend to believe that fighting styles inform you of their investment in a relationship. In this case, maybe he's checking out. I'm not prepared to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. Because we seem to be just going in circles.
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Totally. Now I wish he would just disappear. But did you even have a heart-to-heart talk with him about it? Do like carhill says. Approach him when you're calm and just tell him something like, "you know it hurts my feelings when you call me rude names whenever we fight cause it feels like I'm not being heard" or whatever. Yeah if you've already tried that then you know it's not likely to get better anytime soon.
Author sally12adams Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Then he's in the other category that doesn't want to deal with the consequences of telling a woman what his true thoughts are. Some people can be neurotic about things when you point something out that bothers you about them. So sometimes it's just easier to ignore it in case that person is one of those neurotic people. You see, I believe I've proven to be a fair fighter. So his not willing to pull his weight is an issue. My idea of it? If you can't say it when you're calm, maybe you shouldn't say it ever (for example, during a heated argument). 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Why would you want to remain in a relationship with a neurotic person? If you think that ignoring certain things will keep the neuroticism in check then you might be ok with that. Just like any other issue, some people think they can handle it.
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 If you think that ignoring certain things will keep the neuroticism in check then you might be ok with that. Just like any other issue, some people think they can handle it. Yuck!!....
Author sally12adams Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 But did you even have a heart-to-heart talk with him about it? Do like carhill says. Approach him when you're calm and just tell him something like, "you know it hurts my feelings when you call me rude names whenever we fight cause it feels like I'm not being heard" or whatever. Yeah if you've already tried that then you know it's not likely to get better anytime soon. When I did, the only thing that came back was cool acknowledgement. While the subsequent times when other rows arose, he was more aware of his feelings and they were fine. But in general, I still wish he would disappear.
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 When I did, the only thing that came back was cool acknowledgement. While the subsequent times when other rows arose, he was more aware of his feelings and they were fine. But in general, I still wish he would disappear. So wait, now you're saying that after you brought it to his attention he stopped doing it? Then what is the problem?
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Yuck!!.... Well, how many people get into relationships with serial cheaters, addicts of various kinds or some other nefarious person? Some people think they can handle or control their partner's negative traits.
carhill Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 So you're saying caring less works? It does for me because, formerly, I cared too much for my own emotional health. As each of us are different, for each there will be a unique process and answer. Another way to put it was I learned to assess another's investment/care and invest/care in a balanced manner. This stemmed from clearer understanding of what our MC called our 'love bank' and how we make deposits and withdrawals in a M. For myself, unhealthy fear of loss caused an allowance for overwithdrawal and the attendant unhealthiness for my own psyche. IMO, clearer and more assertive communication on my part could have averted that overwithdrawal, regardless of how the marriage turned out.
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Well, how many people get into relationships with serial cheaters, addicts of various kinds or some other nefarious person? Some people think they can handle or control their partner's negative traits. I guess you're right but it doesn't make it less yuck...
Author sally12adams Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 So wait, now you're saying that after you brought it to his attention he stopped doing it? Then what is the problem? The time when I told him it hurt me that he said things during a heated argument, he clammed up. The situation wasn't resolved. He just acknowledged it and refused to carry on the conversation. The other times that we fought about other things after that earlier situation, he fought it fair and better. I don't know whether it was the subject of the fight that caused the subsequent fights to be handled better. Anyways, I'm still tired of it. And I can't get the time when he said unfair things during a heated fight out of my head.
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 The time when I told him it hurt me that he said things during a heated argument, he clammed up. The situation wasn't resolved. He just acknowledged it and refused to carry on the conversation. The other times that we fought about other things after that earlier situation, he fought it fair and better. I don't know whether it was the subject of the fight that caused the subsequent fights to be handled better. Anyways, I'm still tired of it. And I can't get the time when he said unfair things during a heated fight out of my head. I understand. Some things just aren't forgivable. And you shouldn't have to just to have someone by your side. You aren't desperate.
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