Do you always tell your SO what bothers you about them?

[sally12adams]

Do you always tell your SO the things that bother you about them or do you keep them inside (perhaps only saying them in the heat of a fight? Things that bother you about them could be their fighting style, their gross habits, their trust issues etc.

 

If your SO are those that don't tell you what bothers them about you, do you deem them to be less invested in your relationship?

[Knoxpwns]

Do you always tell your SO the things that bother you about them or do you keep them inside (perhaps only saying them in the heat of a fight? Things that bother you about them could be their fighting style, their gross habits, their trust issues etc.

 

If your SO are those that don't tell you what bothers them about you, do you deem them to be less invested in your relationship?

 

Unless what they are doing is detrimental to our well being or relationship, then no, I don't tell them. It's not necessary, and I'm not out to change them. My ex gf had some strange quirks that bothered me, but I took them for what they were, it was part of the whole package.

[sally12adams]

Unless what they are doing is detrimental to our well being or relationship, then no, I don't tell them. It's not necessary, and I'm not out to change them. My ex gf had some strange quirks that bothered me, but I took them for what they were, it was part of the whole package.

 

Say if your ex gf had asked you (for whatever reasons she found out you didn't like her strange quirks), would you have told her that they did bother you?

[amaysngrace]

If something bothers me I bring it up because I don't expect him to be a mind reader. Most times his quirks don't bother me because I accept those about him. But if he does something that annoys me then I bring it up because how else will he know that what he is doing annoys me?

 

Then it's his choice to change that behavior or not. Then it's up to me to accept it if he doesn't.

[sally12adams]

If something bothers me I bring it up because I don't expect him to be a mind reader. Most times his quirks don't bother me because I accept those about him. But if he does something that annoys me then I bring it up because how else will he know that what he is doing annoys me?

 

Then it's his choice to change that behavior or not. Then it's up to me to accept it if he doesn't.

 

I agree.

 

If your SO doesn't do the same, do you think he's less invested than you in your relationship?

[amaysngrace]

If your SO doesn't do the same, do you think he's less invested than you in your relationship?

 

Not necessarily. Maybe things don't bother him as easily or maybe he doesn't know how to communicate effectively.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it because I don't roll that way. A relationship will progress naturally and if feelings are there they will grow and if they aren't they won't. There's not a lot you can do to change that so why dwell on it?

 

I would recommend doing more self analysis and making sure you aren't giving out more than you are receiving back so that you don't become emotionally drained. That much you do have control over.

[fortyninethousand322]

No. Never.

 

First of all, most women are pretty near perfect. Secondly, I'd be afraid that any criticism would scare away any woman who would be even remotely interested in dating me.

 

Rather not rock the boat...

[sally12adams]

Not necessarily. Maybe things don't bother him as easily or maybe he doesn't know how to communicate effectively.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it because I don't roll that way. A relationship will progress naturally and if feelings are there they will grow and if they aren't they won't. There's not a lot you can do to change that so why dwell on it?

 

I would recommend doing more self analysis and making sure you aren't giving out more than you are receiving back so that you don't become emotionally drained. That much you do have control over.

 

Good advice. It's just that he usually bottles things up and sometimes blurts them out in a fight.

 

The bottling up part makes me wonder if he's not as into the relationship.

[sally12adams]

No. Never.

 

First of all, most women are pretty near perfect. Secondly, I'd be afraid that any criticism would scare away any woman who would be even remotely interested in dating me.

 

Rather not rock the boat...

 

Hilarious.

 

Are men always like that? Scared of seeing the crazy come out of a woman if they as much as mention something they may not like?

 

Have men become the women of the 1960s?

[amaysngrace]

It's just that he usually bottles things up and sometimes blurts them out in a fight.

 

The bottling up part makes me wonder if he's not as into the relationship.

 

That just may be the way he is. Personally I don't find someone who shuts down nearly as someone who opens up but if it's not in his nature then you either should accept it or move on.

 

But please don't take it personally because how he is wired has nothing to do with you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't think lack of communication necessarily has something to do with being less invested, there would have to be other factor present...like a general disconnect, indifference in attitude, lack of care or willingness to work with you...but often times that is also a lack of compatibility or being able to see eye-to-eye on certain issues which work like a dam in a relationship...everything just piles up at that point and nothing flows freely beyond that point, it restricts the flow of the relationship as a whole.

 

So one of the major fundamental factors in a relationship is being able to share and communicate your feelings to your partner, but your partner may not know what to say or do to react to that and that's where compatibility comes into play...they also may not be very good at expressing themselves or really know how to communicate, that can be quite frustrating as well.

 

I think communicate in a relationship will result in the rotting way of trust and closeness, the more you have to disconnect from your partner the more vulnerable you may be in speaking with someone outside the relationship, it's good to have friends and family or what not to communicate with but when it comes to other men/potential romantic interest, that's when there could be some emotional/physically infidelity, even if you never saw yourself as that "kind of a person"...although some people will not cheat, that's not the point here though or what we're talking about.

 

Sometimes people also avoid subjects/conversation because they don't want to have to say the truth or how they really feel about it, men often do that when they are not happy/content in a relationship and saying anything at all without having this premeditated somewhat believable explanation they are more likely dig themselves in a whole, because obviously they might not accept the truth themselves...men/women can act passive aggressive or with an attitude is resentment or disappointment as well.

 

To be honest, most people are pretty much shet when it comes to solid communication and expression...it's just not a strong suit for many people in general and only exacerbated in relationships.

[fortyninethousand322]

Hilarious.

 

Are men always like that? Scared of seeing the crazy come out of a woman if they as much as mention something they may not like?

 

Have men become the women of the 1960s?

 

Some are I'm sure. Probably because they'd rather not deal with any potential "craziness". In which case I'm picturing Heather Graham from Anger Management.

 

In my case, I'd be afraid she'd dump me if I pointed out anything that bothered me. Assuming there was something. The only thing that ever really bothered me about any woman I've been on a date with was that they ended up not being interested. Other than that, I'm not a very critical guy.

[sally12adams]

That just may be the way he is. Personally I don't find someone who shuts down nearly as someone who opens up but if it's not in his nature then you either should accept it or move on.

 

But please don't take it personally because how he is wired has nothing to do with you.

 

Is there some adjective missing in that sentence?

[sally12adams]

I don't think lack of communication necessarily has something to do with being less invested, there would have to be other factor present...like a general disconnect, indifference in attitude, lack of care or willingness to work with you...but often times that is also a lack of compatibility or being able to see eye-to-eye on certain issues which work like a dam in a relationship...everything just piles up at that point and nothing flows freely beyond that point, it restricts the flow of the relationship as a whole.

 

If someone isn't willing to work with you, isn't that a little like "shutting down" and should that last, it'll eventually lead to a breakup?

[sally12adams]

Some are I'm sure. Probably because they'd rather not deal with any potential "craziness". In which case I'm picturing Heather Graham from Anger Management.

 

In my case, I'd be afraid she'd dump me if I pointed out anything that bothered me. Assuming there was something. The only thing that ever really bothered me about any woman I've been on a date with was that they ended up not being interested. Other than that, I'm not a very critical guy.

 

If I'm reading this correctly, you sound like you won't even say things that you don't like about your SO even in the heat of an argument.

 

I don't know what I hate more. Someone that bottles things or blurts them out during an argument.

[carhill]

Do you always tell your SO the things that bother you about them or do you keep them inside (perhaps only saying them in the heat of a fight? Things that bother you about them could be their fighting style, their gross habits, their trust issues etc.

 

In my M I didn't sweat the small stuff but did bring up the more important issues, contemporaneously when concerning a particular behavior, or during general discussions if a more general issue.

 

Example of the former:

 

'I feel ignored when you don't listen to me or acknowledge my presence'

 

Example of the latter:

 

'I'm having difficulty making the mortgage payment this month while you're stocking the larder to the gills. We need to discuss our financial budget'.

 

In general, in the past, challenging a woman has resulted in being replaced, so I'm pretty positive that led to fewer challenges in my marriage than would have occurred otherwise. Being married cured me of that inhibition, both within the marriage itself and because of other issues outside the M which happened to occur during it. It's all part of caring less, especially about the outcome. It works.

[amaysngrace]

Is there some adjective missing in that sentence?

 

Yes...as attractive

 

I don't find someone who shuts down as attractive as someone who opens up. I tried to edit but the next post went up.

 

Anyway he insults you when you argue rather than bringing it up when he's calm like a normal person would. That's immature and disrespectful.

 

That's something I may bring up if I were you in a calm tone. Bring it to his attention. Then if he does it while arguing bring it to his attention once more.

 

If he can't accept that he does that or is doing that then I would move on because you're not heading for a mutually respectful, mature relationship.

 

Big red flag...

[fortyninethousand322]

If I'm reading this correctly, you sound like you won't even say things that you don't like about your SO even in the heat of an argument.

 

I don't know what I hate more. Someone that bottles things or blurts them out during an argument.

 

I probably would avoid an argument in the first place.

 

The closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend was this girl I "dated" in college. What annoyed me about her was that she wouldn't let me hug her and she would always lead me on instead of saying things straight up. I never said any of this to her because I was afraid of driving her away and never seeing her again. If you're accustomed to not getting very many dates or women wanting to spend time with you, you'd be careful about what you say too.

[sally12adams]

In my M I didn't sweat the small stuff but did bring up the more important issues, contemporaneously when concerning a particular behavior, or during general discussions if a more general issue.

 

Example of the former:

 

'I feel ignored when you don't listen to me or acknowledge my presence'

 

Example of the latter:

 

'I'm having difficulty making the mortgage payment this month while you're stocking the larder to the gills. We need to discuss our financial budget'.

 

In general, in the past, challenging a woman has resulted in being replaced, so I'm pretty positive that led to fewer challenges in my marriage than would have occurred otherwise. Being married cured me of that inhibition, both within the marriage itself and because of other issues outside the M which happened to occur during it. It's all part of caring less, especially about the outcome. It works.

 

Good examples. He usually doesn't bring it up if it relates to feelings. Similar to your former example.

 

What is the "it" that works? Can you elaborate?

[sally12adams]

Yes...as attractive

 

I don't find someone who shuts down as attractive as someone who opens up. I tried to edit but the next post went up.

 

Anyway he insults you when you argue rather than bringing it up when he's calm like a normal person would. That's immature and disrespectful.

 

That's something I may bring up if I were you in a calm tone. Bring it to his attention. Then if he does it while arguing bring it to his attention once more.

 

If he can't accept that he does that or is doing that then I would move on because you're not heading for a mutually respectful, mature relationship.

 

Big red flag...

 

I agree with the attractive part. Clearly, he and I have different fighting ways.

 

I did bring it up with him when he brought up issues only during a fight. I find that disrespectful too.

 

Guess a big part of choosing an SO is the fighting way.

[sally12adams]

I probably would avoid an argument in the first place.

 

The closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend was this girl I "dated" in college. What annoyed me about her was that she wouldn't let me hug her and she would always lead me on instead of saying things straight up. I never said any of this to her because I was afraid of driving her away and never seeing her again. If you're accustomed to not getting very many dates or women wanting to spend time with you, you'd be careful about what you say too.

 

This sounds logical. But he did get dates and was in a few relationships before this.

[carhill]

What is the "it" that works? Can you elaborate?

 

Caring less about the investment in any particular person, as well as the outcome of any particular interaction. People can be replaced/ended and arguments/discussions can be lost, won, or tabled with equal emotional investment and result. Fear of loss is mitigated. Generally, fear, of something, drives inhibition. Process the fear and the inhibition is affected. In my case, I cared too much for my own emotional health and feared the loss, so challenging unhealthy dynamics was a soul-wrenching act and the processes of marriage, along with MC, cured that.

[amaysngrace]

I agree with the attractive part. Clearly, he and I have different fighting ways.

 

I did bring it up with him when he brought up issues only during a fight. I find that disrespectful too.

 

Guess a big part of choosing an SO is the fighting way.

 

Absolutely. How someone fights tells a lot about a person.

 

The way he does it is rude and immature. People are going to argue but if his leads to fault-finding and name-calling then it suddenly becomes all about you and nothing about him. Then he doesn't have to look inward and face his own contribution.

 

Not good...

[Ninjainpajamas]

If someone isn't willing to work with you, isn't that a little like "shutting down" and should that last, it'll eventually lead to a breakup?

 

Yes, it is shutting down...it's giving up on the fact that you can work out things, and that's in a way the same thing as saying I'm giving up on the relationship...because without resolving those issues/conflicts the relationship cannot grow or progress....many people still stay in relationships mind you, and still "technically" progress, like get married, buy a house, have children..but the relationship really never took off at that point, it's the same arguments, same disagreements, same inability to see eye to eye...eventually the relationship could end or lead to a break up, it's just really what both of you are willing to accept...if you accept the fact that things will never approve or you just magically hope they will some day then both people can certainly stay together, even if there is a large gap/bridge between them.

 

Instead of worrying about whether it will lead to a break-up, the bigger question is what is the quality of the relationship you will have with this person...If all your worried about is losing the relationship, then that goal is misguided and you're basically saying that communication or whatever else is worth not having, as long as the relationship doesn't end. Your problems don't just magically change or go away in time, If anything you just become so used to not having it you forget what it was like to have it, which is easier if you've never had a relationship with solid communication in the first place....which wouldn't surprise me.

 

It's when you know what could be better, or what is better....that makes it hard.

[fortyninethousand322]

This sounds logical. But he did get dates and was in a few relationships before this.

 

Then he's in the other category that doesn't want to deal with the consequences of telling a woman what his true thoughts are.

 

Some people can be neurotic about things when you point something out that bothers you about them. So sometimes it's just easier to ignore it in case that person is one of those neurotic people.