joannam Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I have been Been in a relationship for 1 year we met on line and chatted for about a year before we met face to face. When we did we were together all the time. Except for the times his wife insisted he goes and spends the night at her home to take care of their 17 yer old daughter when she spends the nights with her lover/s as she did not want to bring them to her home. The daughter used to stay out till 12/1 yet they all insisted he stayed there. Now he is a chef and works real long hours. He had been separated from his wife for 3 years when we met however he still did everything she told him too. After many arguments he stopped going there to stay over. We moved in together after 4/5 months. He says that he can not divorce he untill they settled all their debt that runs into 120 thousand. Our living together is really getting to be very difficult as he does nothing in and around the house. His daughter's dog is also living with us and I have clean up after him and the dog all the time. He says he is always tired and we spend about a hour a day together. The days he has off he spends with his daughter as she refuses to come to our house and does not except me at all. The one time I met her she came in took his laptop and spend all the time she was there on it. At lunch she was on her mobile texting all her friends. About 20mins after lunch she wanted to leave as she wanted her father to take her shopping so they left. She walked out and he had to call her back to say goodbye. Now the problem is that I have no relationship with him it is almost impossible to have a relationship with somebody that is never around and he keeps saying all he wants from me is to be loving, tactile, and care about his needs. However when I ask what I need or want he say I should just except him for who and what he is and what he can give in this relationship. Not sure if I am ever gonna make him understand what I need too.
lula69 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 how do i get replies to my post?? ... by being a little patient? OK, this is all pretty messed up. He needs to get his act together or else he'll ruin another relationship of his. And you are way too lenient. Now, I don't mean to get all complaining and bossy and not to hold contempt, also not to start a revenge spree, etc. But, use the love you have not to accommodate his mess, but to understand him and draw your boundaries. Understanding him has a self-serving purpose for you. By deeply understanding him, you can figure out what you will do next. Understanding here does not mean accepting every explanation he gives you for why things are as they are. But rather really seeing how he is and what he can realistically be. Also understand yourself, why you are in this and why you have arranged your life the way it is now. It may start with what happened around his last marriage and the separation. And why really the divorce can not go forward. Waiting until all debt is settled does not sound like a real reason. It is the commitment to a solution to some problem which is not fully understood (to me at least.) Daughter being 17 years ... I can think of some of that delay was about her getting "out of the nest". So that should be soon. Her contempt toward you after 1 year show that some unresolved issues are festering. It looks like a holy mess to me, where nothing is resolved and cleaned up. I have some understanding about it since I am also living an incompletely cleaned-up divorce. Some of these things take time. And patience is in order and yadda yadda, but some of these clean-ups seem certainly doable more decisively and more expediently. And some things are just odd. He seems to be saying he needs an understanding caretaker but what does he really want from you and give into your relationship? He must have some idea about that? 1
StrongLass Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) I agree with lula69. This is a messy setup you've gotten yourself into & there's going to be no "easy" fix for it. And he's not completely off the hook either. He owes you some answers for his end of things. A relationship doesn't mean that only one of you puts in effort! You should be concerned about his need for you to be a caretaker instead of an equal (aka what you really want) Take a long, hard look at your life and ask "Is this really what I want?" Sounds here like your answer to that is a resounding "No." So the next step is asking yourself "How can I change this to fix that?" Good luck Edited August 4, 2013 by StrongLass
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