Let's just be friends

[hippetyhop]

A spin-off on my thread--okay, really, how realistic?

 

Here is a post from my last page that I thought would need its own thread:

 

"Originally Posted by hippetyhop

I spoke to him.

 

He said he'll always be my friend when I am ready and that we can't have any type of physical relationship even if his marriage doesn't work as we started on deceiving grounds

 

Spiderowl:

Is it just me that is interpreting this to mean, 'we could never have had a proper relationship, even if my marriage failed, because we started out on the wrong basis anyway?' - namely cheating. He says 'physical' relationship, but he was obviously able to have a physical relationship before, so what is he talking about here? It sounds pretty final to me, or at least as if he's managing expectations of it being anything other than a casual relationship, but maybe I'm not that familiar with the ways of cheating married guys."

 

Any insight? Especially to the bold?

 

To answer Spiderowl's question: honestly, I don't know what he means. He can be genuine with this OR, friendship is his way of eventually leading me back to the physical portion while still married--his way of still being a cake eater. I wouldn't think he's a manipulator, but knowing what he told his spouse after he was caught recently on something else, I can't guarantee it isn't the same for me.

 

In his prior email to me which I have under that thread, while he said he missed the physical, etc. he never mentioned ending it how he did over the phone.

 

This is what makes me wonder: He said over the phone that after he received my email, all physical aspects he saw as over. Really, just like that? I know people lose physical attraction to a person over time, or a BS may not want to be physical with their spouse after an A is discovered, but this is me telling him I want the A over.

 

In the email to me when he explained about him not wanting anything but a friendship, why didn't he say to me that we would never have a relationship when he said his marriage was rough right now.

 

He said he didn't understand how I can't be friends with him right now. How can a person who had a physical and emotional relationship with someone just cut out the physical and try to keep everything the same? I can't. I just don't understand how a person can either. After speaking with him, I'm full of so much anger towards him, I have no plans to contact him. I am really appalled with him thinking I can just be friends with him, which I can't, so no need to talk to him.

 

It took me a long time to have a friendship with my ex-boyfriend and to this day, I'm still kind of "eh" as I still have some feelings for him. I wouldn't act on those feelings as he is now in a relationship (really, I've learned my lesson) but otherwise, I think we both know it would be fair game.

 

I mentioned in my other thread that a friend of mine had an A with a MM and he wanted to just be friends after it was over. Not thinking it through, she accepted. From there, it is turning back into an EA, but they have been physical. So I'm not sure if my case is a single case, or, if it'll turn back into this after time.

 

In essence, can the AP and xMM/MW ultimately have a healthy relationship?

Edited August 4, 2013 by hippetyhop

[fanine]

"This is what makes me wonder: He said over the phone that after he received my email, all physical aspects he saw as over. Really, just like that? I know people lose physical attraction to a person over time, or a BS may not want to be physical with their spouse after an A is discovered, but this is me telling him I want the A over. "

 

Men/women can say okay let's be friends, the physical aspect is over. But when it comes down to it that is unlikely in the short term. That is just words. I had my xMM saying okay we can still be friends after I found out he was back with his wife. But what that meant was basically he wanted to keep me in his life, so we would have contact, we would meet up and inevitably it would get physical again .... which did happen....

[hippetyhop]

"This is what makes me wonder: He said over the phone that after he received my email, all physical aspects he saw as over. Really, just like that? I know people lose physical attraction to a person over time, or a BS may not want to be physical with their spouse after an A is discovered, but this is me telling him I want the A over. "

 

Men/women can say okay let's be friends, the physical aspect is over. But when it comes down to it that is unlikely in the short term. That is just words. I had my xMM saying okay we can still be friends after I found out he was back with his wife. But what that meant was basically he wanted to keep me in his life, so we would have contact, we would meet up and inevitably it would get physical again .... which did happen....

 

How long did it take for the two of you to meet as "just friends" then turn physical?

 

With him, I'm toying if it is just words. He seemed so honest with me during the A about things at home (what they were doing (i.e..can't talk b/c their watching a movie, etc..)) that why wouldn't he be honest with me about just being friends if he cared about me how he said he does.

 

On the other hand, why is my "status quo" with him any different than with his wife? Is he just feeding me lines of BS how he did with her to keep their M going and his W not being as suspicious? This is easy way out with me ending it, then why not just go and risk a friendship? I even told him in order for him to rebuild his marriage, I can't be in his life. He didn't care.

[BrokenPrincess]

This is what makes me wonder: He said over the phone that after he received my email, all physical aspects he saw as over. Really, just like that? I know people lose physical attraction to a person over time, or a BS may not want to be physical with their spouse after an A is discovered, but this is me telling him I want the A over.

 

He may *think* the physical aspect is over, but if you start talking again, every day, providing emotional support, of course you will both naturally feel the urges to do more physically. He comes across as being logical about the end of your A, but really he is just in the bargaining stage. Conscious or not, he's trying to get back the feel-good rushes that he felt with you.

[fanine]

How long did it take for the two of you to meet as "just friends" then turn physical?

 

We had been seeing each other for 6 months, during this time I thought he was separated. He wasn't really...I then found out she had moved back in with him. So that's why I ended it, and he kind of ended it too but said I am really sorry etc etc.

We kept in touch, every couple of days usually, one of us would find a reason to get in touch with the other, to ask a question or advice on something etc....then after about 3 weeks or so of this we met up, he called me early evening say he was nearby with a friend of ours. They came around and we had a drink, then his friend left and then well......and that was about 9 months ago. (I'm currently on NC....)

[Red Wolverine]

A spin-off on my thread--okay, really, how realistic?

 

In essence, can the AP and xMM/MW ultimately have a healthy relationship?

 

Simple answer is no. Any risks he appears to be taking benefit him. Actually, it might be fun for him to go through the thrill of the chase again with you again.

 

Friendship is impossible because an affair isn't a healthy relationship. As a consequence, you can't undo how you met and that you have had an affair.

 

If you have any guilt about his family, it will still be there because this relationship will still be a secret. If he wants just a friendship, ask him to tell his wife about your friendship. If that is his intention, she wouldn't mind, right?

[Wambo]

 

In essence, can the AP and xMM/MW ultimately have a healthy relationship?

 

No.

 

I'm going through LC with a co worker and it's a difficult situation to manage. The problem is I can't interact with her like i used to. Any interaction could be a spark emotions so I need to control what I do and what I say. Not only do I have to manage myself but I need to manage her aswell. So another word I can't bring anything to the table and I will not allow her either. So what we got is nothing to show.

So we have this hollow friendship and we not allowed to put anything inside it. So either you will walk away from it because it's a piece of junk or you break the rules and fill it in.

[hippetyhop]

We had been seeing each other for 6 months, during this time I thought he was separated. He wasn't really...I then found out she had moved back in with him. So that's why I ended it, and he kind of ended it too but said I am really sorry etc etc.

We kept in touch, every couple of days usually, one of us would find a reason to get in touch with the other, to ask a question or advice on something etc....then after about 3 weeks or so of this we met up, he called me early evening say he was nearby with a friend of ours. They came around and we had a drink, then his friend left and then well......and that was about 9 months ago. (I'm currently on NC....)

 

Did all of this happen during NC? Did his W or SO know of you?

 

No.

 

I'm going through LC with a co worker and it's a difficult situation to manage. The problem is I can't interact with her like i used to. Any interaction could be a spark emotions so I need to control what I do and what I say. Not only do I have to manage myself but I need to manage her aswell. So another word I can't bring anything to the table and I will not allow her either. So what we got is nothing to show.

So we have this hollow friendship and we not allowed to put anything inside it. So either you will walk away from it because it's a piece of junk or you break the rules and fill it in.

 

That is why I can't have interaction with him. He isn't getting it. I'm pretty sure the feelings are there on both our ends, and the only reason I can imagine him keeping a friendship going is to eventually keep it physical.

 

The "hollow friendship" is how I think it will be. It would be the beat around the bush small talk. It would ultimately be pretty awkward for me and not something I would enjoy.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't think it's very possible, no.

 

My ex-MM and I swore up and down we'd stay 'great friends' after our physical affair ended due to him having a mental breakdown and deciding he wasn't going to leave his partner, at first it was all '[maintaining the friendship] will be hard, but it will be SO worth it' and 'what we had physically was unreal, but the friendship is the thing I would be devastated to lose'. His partner never found out.

 

As time has wore on (been about... 3 months since it ended) we've been in less and less contact. I know we need that for him to stay in his relationship with minimal guilt, and he knows I need it to focus on my new relationship (I was single during our 'relationship). I think if we started spending lots of time together or being emotionally close, I'd feel as though I was betraying my new boyfriend (who knows this thing happened once and that I'm still good friends with the guy... he doesn't know which friend it is though as he says he doesn't really care). And maybe it'd bring up old feelings, which are NOT productive when neither of us has a plan of being together any longer.

 

It's just easier to back away. I wanted to stay close and be great friends... but realised that I felt this way because I wanted to be with him and was clinging onto hope, secretly. Once we became more distant, everything became so much easier!

[hippetyhop]

Simple answer is no. Any risks he appears to be taking benefit him. Actually, it might be fun for him to go through the thrill of the chase again with you again.

 

Friendship is impossible because an affair isn't a healthy relationship. As a consequence, you can't undo how you met and that you have had an affair.

 

If you have any guilt about his family, it will still be there because this relationship will still be a secret. If he wants just a friendship, ask him to tell his wife about your friendship. If that is his intention, she wouldn't mind, right?

 

I think the A affair really thrilled him, along with other things he got himself into in the past. I have no idea what he would get out of a friendship with me other than the chase.

 

As to his W, I don't think she really cares if he has guys or girl friends. On his FB, friends that are girls would post on his page--but questions related to running. However, I don't think the call history was extensive as to what mine and his would. That would definitely raise some questions. Then it would be going severely underground.

He may *think* the physical aspect is over, but if you start talking again, every day, providing emotional support, of course you will both naturally feel the urges to do more physically. He comes across as being logical about the end of your A, but really he is just in the bargaining stage. Conscious or not, he's trying to get back the feel-good rushes that he felt with you.

 

I agree with you 100%. Even though I'm now friends with an xbf, I think those feelings can eventually return as we ended on a positive note (he is in a R and I learned my lesson!!!!). I never thought about him being in a bargaining stage. Giving into my wants to eventually have his fulfilled. He might think that having a friendship right now may be good as he is still trying to keep the home front at ease. Perhaps his "friendship" bargain is part of his manipulation. I also just don't see how the physical portion can be over with one email sent. It just doesn't add up for me.

[hippetyhop]

I don't think it's very possible, no.

 

My ex-MM and I swore up and down we'd stay 'great friends' after our physical affair ended due to him having a mental breakdown and deciding he wasn't going to leave his partner, at first it was all '[maintaining the friendship] will be hard, but it will be SO worth it' and 'what we had physically was unreal, but the friendship is the thing I would be devastated to lose'. His partner never found out.

 

As time has wore on (been about... 3 months since it ended) we've been in less and less contact. I know we need that for him to stay in his relationship with minimal guilt, and he knows I need it to focus on my new relationship (I was single during our 'relationship). I think if we started spending lots of time together or being emotionally close, I'd feel as though I was betraying my new boyfriend (who knows this thing happened once and that I'm still good friends with the guy... he doesn't know which friend it is though as he says he doesn't really care). And maybe it'd bring up old feelings, which are NOT productive when neither of us has a plan of being together any longer.

 

It's just easier to back away. I wanted to stay close and be great friends... but realised that I felt this way because I wanted to be with him and was clinging onto hope, secretly. Once we became more distant, everything became so much easier!

 

I feel exactly how you do, and him and I made the same assumptions re. staying "great friends as that is what is most important--our friendship not love."

 

This is what I am saying that he doesn't get. I need to move on. He tells me I deserve a great guy. Having a friendship with him would just hinder that. He doesn't see how. I told him he can't have a stable marriage with me in the picture, even as a friend. He seemed not to care. I'm not going to balance the friendship he wants (the whole talking and texting) with trying to find a new guy. Not my cup of tea. If he doesn't like it, he knows the alternative.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well, it was only when I began a new relationship that ex-MM really made a conscious effort to cut things off and went distant on me. Before I'd even put anything on facebook about having a new boyfriend he'd deleted his profile to avoid seeing anything that'd hurt him. He doesn't know my new partner's name or what he does for a living, and somehow so far our mutual friends (who are in the dark) haven't brought up my new bf... I don't want him to have to hear that stuff anyway, it hurt me back when we were in the A for our friends to bring up HIS relationship with his partner.

 

It's early days. As soon as you see someone new, I bet your MM will realise that he can't be close friends with you. Up until that point, he's cake eating! I see ex-MM once a month or so at work training days (we grabbed coffee before the first after we ended things to smooth things over) but the days of spending every night together hanging at my place are long gone. And for the best, too. I'm in a relationship now and all of my emotional energies and efforts need directing at my boyfriend, having ex-MM around would be damaging to my new relationship. However, I still care about him deeply and if he was in a mess I'd be there for him. He's mentally unwell now as a result of the A and I've made it clear that despite us ending, I'm there for him as a friend and always will be (with my new boyfriend's knowledge and consent). So far he's also had the sense not to take advantage of that.

[awkward]

He tells me I deserve a great guy.

 

Believe him when he says this. His actions show you that he knows he is not the guy.

[fanine]

Did all of this happen during NC? Did his W or SO know of you?

 

The finding out she was pregnant was not during NC. I thought they were separated and they definitely seemed to be living in different houses at times (I later found she would sometimes stay at her parents down the road - at least half the week) Obviously there was still very much a connection and she got pregnant...when I found out too she was moving back in too I went NC.

 

He then got back in touch with me, to sort out some practical things. We tried to maintain just a kind of friendship, but I knew I was finding reasons to contact him, and he finding ones to contact me too. We didnt see much of each other for around 3 weeks (Before then we had seen each other almost every day for 6 months). I would still be hoping secretly he would call, I missed seeing him....

 

He then popped around to my place with a mutual friend one evening...the friend left...and then well the rest is history. We were back in it. Many times I have tried to call it off and then always crumble....I would always say I need some space and it is difficult for me to be just a friend - but he could never understand that and would get quite cold......I'm not doing that now though.

 

I think it is very hard to drop the physical aspect just like that - and just try and be friends. I know now by experience I can't try and do that. The feelings are there, and he knows they are too. It is not just the sex - actually it is more so the hugging and kissing. When you are used to greeting someone in this way and then suddenly try and make a distance between the two of you, it feels so awkward and strange...for me anyway.

 

Re the wife, well I pretty much think she knows/knew. He will still up to last week staying away probably a couple of nights a week....

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would still be hoping secretly he would call, I missed seeing him....

 

Took a while for me to not hope it was my MM every time my phone pinged, not to look for his name on the facebook chat, not to check skype to see if he was online etc. I dealt with that by hiding or deleting him everywhere, and changing his number in my phone to 'I am a lying cheating piece of crap', then when that got dull 'I will mess you around and break your heart'. Childish but worked!

[fanine]

Took a while for me to not hope it was my MM every time my phone pinged, not to look for his name on the facebook chat, not to check skype to see if he was online etc. I dealt with that by hiding or deleting him everywhere, and changing his number in my phone to 'I am a lying cheating piece of crap', then when that got dull 'I will mess you around and break your heart'. Childish but worked!

 

That's a good idea re the phone name! I have tried deleting his name as much as I can elsewhere, but I am sure, going on past experience he will try and contact again

[whichwayisup]

As long as intimate feelings are there, after an A ends, no friendship can happen. It'll just be an EA as you (general you) are still emotionally invested. And being brings with an exAP prevents one from letting go and grieving the loss so the feelings get less and less.

 

Basically if you keep him in your life, he's still in your heart and it'll prevent you from ever meeting or allowing yourself to be with another man.

[psm04]

I've been attempting a friendship with my xAP, and it is very tough. Like other posters mentioned, it almost feels hollow at times, or that you are trying too hard to be buddies. Every day is a test. You feel happy that you got through one day without doing anything 'bad', and then the next day the test begins again. The feelings are still there, along with jealousy, insecurity etc. So even if we aren't doing anything bad, we might still say things that are outside of the friendship line.

 

I have noticed lately that when we don't talk or interact, I'm actually happy and ok. We went for a few days without any talking, and I was perfectly ok and actually happy and going about my normal routine, and then I got one of those 'hey how's it going' emails from him, and it immediately took a weird negative turn. I have a feeling that eventually, this friendship or whatever this is is going to die off naturally. Which is a better alternative to forcibly going NC, for me.

[Wambo]

The "hollow friendship" is how I think it will be. It would be the beat around the bush small talk. It would ultimately be pretty awkward for me and not something I wouldenjoy.

 

Being friends may sound good on paper and feel like the mature thing to do but in reality it doesn't work. You will be spending a lot of energy crafting a very basic friendship which you can't do much with. What make the situation worst is the temptation are always there. So you will be scripting short conversation everytime you bump into him and you are not allowed to be yourself.

In my situation I'm considering going back to NC and I need to tell her why.

[hippetyhop]

As long as intimate feelings are there, after an A ends, no friendship can happen. It'll just be an EA as you (general you) are still emotionally invested. And being brings with an exAP prevents one from letting go and grieving the loss so the feelings get less and less.

 

Basically if you keep him in your life, he's still in your heart and it'll prevent you from ever meeting or allowing yourself to be with another man.

 

Being friends may sound good on paper and feel like the mature thing to do but in reality it doesn't work. You will be spending a lot of energy crafting a very basic friendship which you can't do much with. What make the situation worst is the temptation are always there. So you will be scripting short conversation everytime you bump into him and you are not allowed to be yourself.

In my situation I'm considering going back to NC and I need to tell her why.

 

With the two posts above, he doesn't understand that I need the NC to move on. My only reasoning is he has someone at home to fall back on for whatever except for what he is missing. He has the life, just not the cake. I have nothing. I need to rebuild my life. Especially knowing that he and I would never be a couple (his words), it makes it easier to move on. Similar to what I previously said, I'm not sure how much of his spiel to me was genuine or just a way to keep the A going.

 

Also, I can't guarantee those intimate feelings will ever leave. According to him, all physical feelings towards me are gone after I sent him the first email. That says a lot, doesn't it?

 

He will know I'm serious when I don't contact him. The ball is in my court. What reason do I have to contact him? I don't. I don't need to see how he is doing, I don't need to talk to him about my feelings, or what is going on in life. We don't have a relationship, so I don't need to.

 

I just want to ask him how many of his female friends does he talk to on an everyday basis asking how their day went, and texting. If none--then why not?

 

I've been attempting a friendship with my xAP, and it is very tough. Like other posters mentioned, it almost feels hollow at times, or that you are trying too hard to be buddies. Every day is a test. You feel happy that you got through one day without doing anything 'bad', and then the next day the test begins again. The feelings are still there, along with jealousy, insecurity etc. So even if we aren't doing anything bad, we might still say things that are outside of the friendship line.

 

I have noticed lately that when we don't talk or interact, I'm actually happy and ok. We went for a few days without any talking, and I was perfectly ok and actually happy and going about my normal routine, and then I got one of those 'hey how's it going' emails from him, and it immediately took a weird negative turn. I have a feeling that eventually, this friendship or whatever this is is going to die off naturally. Which is a better alternative to forcibly going NC, for me.

 

My feelings are exactly like yours, especially regarding being "okay' if we don't talk. Knowing the ball is in my court makes it easier on me to move on. Now I know I shouldn't expect any type of texts or emails from him. He should get the hint by now that we are through. I would only assume this should die off naturally as well.

 

I can't deal with it knowing what plans he and the W have, or when he may be able to see me. I'm not game for that anymore. I did that enough.

 

How long after until you received a "hey, how are you" email? Did you reply, and did he keep it consistent?

[hippetyhop]

Believe him when he says this. His actions show you that he knows he is not the guy.

 

I wonder about that--either he means it in that context, or he is looking for that ego stroke.."oh, you are that great guy I need."\\ To add on to the other posts, I really think having a real relationship will make him realize w

 

 

It's early days. As soon as you see someone new, I bet your MM will realise that he can't be close friends with you. Up until that point, he's cake eating! I see ex-MM once a month or so at work training days (we grabbed coffee before the first after we ended things to smooth things over) but the days of spending every night together hanging at my place are long gone. And for the best, too. I'm in a relationship now and all of my emotional energies and efforts need directing at my boyfriend, having ex-MM around would be damaging to my new relationship.

 

I think xMM is definitely cake eating.

 

Speaking to xMM will just hinder me from moving on. If he really wants me to move on and have that great guy I deserve, wouldn’t you think he’d let me have my space without the previous emails, etc.?

 

 

 

I think it is very hard to drop the physical aspect just like that - and just try and be friends. I know now by experience I can't try and do that. The feelings are there, and he knows they are too. It is not just the sex - actually it is more so the hugging and kissing. When you are used to greeting someone in this way and then suddenly try and make a distance between the two of you, it feels so awkward and strange...for me anyway.

 

I mentioned I still speak to an xboyfriend, and he’s been helping me through this—and I know awkward feeling about leaving without giving more than a hug. Our feelings for each other are still there. I think that would be the same for xMM and I. I think our emotional connection was also high as besides the sex, it was the other physical aspects..just him holding me, kissing me, etc. the things he said he and W don’t do.

 

I just don't understand why he didn't mention that in the email (about us realistically not being together), and how he felt that once he received the first email, all physical instances were done. He made no direction to that, although he can be mature to end the physical. I'm so confused by some of his actions/what he said. It is like he's flip-flopping what he wants to say to keep the EA going.

Edited August 5, 2013 by hippetyhop

[findingnemo]

I feel exactly how you do, and him and I made the same assumptions re. staying "great friends as that is what is most important--our friendship not love."

 

This is what I am saying that he doesn't get. I need to move on. He tells me I deserve a great guy. Having a friendship with him would just hinder that. He doesn't see how. I told him he can't have a stable marriage with me in the picture, even as a friend. He seemed not to care. I'm not going to balance the friendship he wants (the whole talking and texting) with trying to find a new guy. Not my cup of tea. If he doesn't like it, he knows the alternative.

 

This is exactly what my xMM who is now my 'friend" did when I ended the A. He insisted on maintaining our friendship and no matter how much I protested he promised that he would not risk losing my friendship by coming on to me. In my culture, we don't have the concept of EAs. The reason being we acknowledge that people will feel what they feel and that the important thing is how they act. So two people can be in love and everybody knows it but they are M to other people. As long as they do not engage in anything sexual and start having inappropriate meetings, they can feel whatever they want. The problem is acting on it.

 

So for years I believed we were really doing well because we were not having sex, no kissing, no hand holding, nothing. We would spend a year sometimes not seeing each other. When we met we would lunch for an hour like normal friends. We wouldn't say what we felt, we would avoid talking about it but we knew it was there. I'm talking about the feelings. Then I learned here that I was possibly in an EA. Hmmm!!!

 

So while I believe it is possible to remain friends, I think it depends on the two people involved. How disciplined are you? Can you both make a decision and stick to it? What is your xMM really trying to achieve? What do you want? Is there any reason you should keep this man in your life?

[hippetyhop]

This is exactly what my xMM who is now my 'friend" did when I ended the A. He insisted on maintaining our friendship and no matter how much I protested he promised that he would not risk losing my friendship by coming on to me. In my culture, we don't have the concept of EAs. The reason being we acknowledge that people will feel what they feel and that the important thing is how they act. So two people can be in love and everybody knows it but they are M to other people. As long as they do not engage in anything sexual and start having inappropriate meetings, they can feel whatever they want. The problem is acting on it.

 

So for years I believed we were really doing well because we were not having sex, no kissing, no hand holding, nothing. We would spend a year sometimes not seeing each other. When we met we would lunch for an hour like normal friends. We wouldn't say what we felt, we would avoid talking about it but we knew it was there. I'm talking about the feelings. Then I learned here that I was possibly in an EA. Hmmm!!!

 

So while I believe it is possible to remain friends, I think it depends on the two people involved. How disciplined are you? Can you both make a decision and stick to it? What is your xMM really trying to achieve? What do you want? Is there any reason you should keep this man in your life?

 

Thank you for your insight I'm relieved to see that I'm not the only person in this boat seeing that the xMM/xMW still want to remain friends.

 

How often did the two of you talk? I'm pretty sure my xMM wants to keep it how it was--talking to me during the day, texting, etc.

 

I think people after break-ups can be friends (I'm friends with one of my exes), however, right off the bat I can't. I can't guarantee I can keep my physical feelings separate and aside how he can. Although he says he can be mature about it, I just don't see it being feasible. I think it would be that "hollow" friendship.

[findingnemo]

Being friends is possible. In one of the threads I talked about how people misuse the word "friend". A friend isn't someone you have sex with. You can share a lot but not that. Once you are both clear on that, it can work.

 

The feelings may still remain. Mine have. So have his. We don't talk a lot. Hardly ever text. I will send a text when he excels at his sport thing. He will text me when I appear in the press for work. Once in a while he will call me and I will call him. We even had a business partnership but it didn't work for us. It's not because of our R, it was not a well thought out business plan.

 

A word of caution though. Last July I discovered a OW. I was livid!! He has never admitted it. He probably subscribes to the DENY, DENY, DENY club. Even after years of not being together, I went super-sleuth on him. The reason? I still love the man and I am protective. As a long term confidant, I am aware of his faults and his problems. Even if we hadn't been lovers before I would have told him off about the A. But frankly, I got all emotional. You could think I was still seeing him and that he had made promises he had broken. Lesson learned. I put my self-control into a higher gear. I will tell him what I think but if he wants to mess himself up, there is nothing I can do beyond counselling him.

 

It is hard. You won't talk and text too much. But then again, I was never one to do that. Emails maybe but I am also proud. I won't tell him how I feel with no dividends. He made a choice and to continue talking love is just self defeating in my opinion. I didn't wake up one morning knowing how to handle this R. I learned the hard way. He has a W. I am not her. So I do what I can and let him lean on her. That's how it should be.

 

Some rules:

 

1. Avoid being in rooms alone.

2. Never forget that he chose someone else and respect that.

3. Begin to see his W in a more balanced way. She is a human being like you, a woman with hopes and dreams. If she loves him half as much as you then she probably has issues of her own.

4. If you love him, then automatically you want what's best for his children. Obviously their mum and dad know better than anyone else. So if they are together then it is a good thing. Don't get involved in messing it up. They deserve a chance at a happy and secure childhood. Lord knows life will give them major ups and downs. They will require a solid foundation upon which to build their own lives.

 

I could go on but you get the picture. Put yourself in his shoes. Put yourself in her shoes. To love someone means to want them to be happy, safe and/or content. Love doesn't harass, or steal, or take away forcefully. It doesn't pressurize and is not self-serving. If he doesn't know how to love, then he needs to learn how to. If you have the energy and fortitude to love him the way I describe then you should. If not, don't do it. It is painful and an absolute dead-end. If he is going to be your friend, be his friend and nothing more.

 

Ooops. Such a long post. Hope it helps.

[psm04]

My feelings are exactly like yours, especially regarding being "okay' if we don't talk. Knowing the ball is in my court makes it easier on me to move on. Now I know I shouldn't expect any type of texts or emails from him. He should get the hint by now that we are through. I would only assume this should die off naturally as well.

 

I can't deal with it knowing what plans he and the W have, or when he may be able to see me. I'm not game for that anymore. I did that enough.

 

How long after until you received a "hey, how are you" email? Did you reply, and did he keep it consistent?

 

I waited about 4 hours before replying. It's funny, I always see his emails right away, but I make myself wait. Yeah, he did respond again, and told me that he'd get online to talk to me, but it turned out that he couldn't. One more reminder of why I'm not interested in the affair anymore. Knowing that regardless of what's said and meant, reality always hits, and it always wins. Always. Not his fault. I do believe it when he says that he loves me, but I'm just not interested in a parallel universe anymore. I'm happier in my mundane world with my H than I was in the world with my xOMM that was never going to be.