kindofsad Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) My g/f broke up with me 6 weeks ago, after 6 years together. She said she no longer loved me, and had no ‘passion’ for me. We have been in a long distance relationship for the past 10 months and I found it really hard to be at home whilst she went out creating a life for herself in a new country. She told me to get out and do things for myself but I stayed at home to save money for us to get a place together when she got back. She was due to come back 6 weeks ago, she said realised she could not move in with me, and our relationship is over and has been for a while, particularly the physical side. I was hoping when she came back we could talk and face to face things might be different. They were not, she said she was relieved at her decision. I then found out that she has fallen in love with someone else , she said although she cheated it was over for her before and she didn’t know how to tell me. We went out recently and had a great day together, we really enjoy each others company. I have been trying to make positive changes in my life, and I do feel better about myself, she commentated how well I was doing and is really pleased for me. I realise this probably stems from her guilt but part of me wants to believe that she has just had a bit of a crazy few months and we can work things out. She has text me a few times this week, they are just casual texts telling me about a book etc. and I reply politely. I know she is still seeing this other person (although now that is a long distance relationship) but I can’t help hoping it is a rebound and they will break up, although they do talk about marriage, kids, etc. so it could be she has now really met the ‘one’ and is living her life after being stuck in an unhappy relationship with me. We said that we will give each other space, and I don’t want to go totally no contact, I would rather limited contact. Since we saw each other I have been thinking about her, we have no other plans to meet up and don’t intend to for at least a few months. I am struggling to take my mind of it though, I have been exercising and going out, but I have a big project due this month so do not have the time to go out lots but I can’t concentrate on my work. I am starting to accept its over, but can’t put out that glimmer of hope that she is missing me and we can work on things now she is back to a more routine life. Am I just delusional? Also I’m in my mid 30s and seems so hard to start again. Edited August 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
keepontruckin Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she isn't thinking of you anymore... You could plastic surgeon your face into a young Johnny Depp, and it wouldn't make a difference... She dumped you, and now you have to dump her, as difficult as that may sound.
Author kindofsad Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Thanks you're right. I think it becomes clear when I read my post back to myself. Feel like a bit of dork, but finding it hard to let go. 1
JDPT Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I think its imperative to realize that she has moved on long long ago. Sounds to me like you are in a bit of denial and as much as this will hurt you need to start NC and move on with your life for your own good. She has made things very clear leaving you to accept and respect her decision. I understand is comforting to hear from her, or see a text coming in from her, trust me I still get "funny feelings" after almost 4 months of being dumped when my ex looks for me but I need to understand that she is gone for ever and those "breadcrumbs" are nothing more than wishful thinking. Be strong my friend, I wish you the best.
Author kindofsad Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Thank you. I guess I am in denial, it is hard as I thought I knew her so well. I am scared to go nc, but I do need to give up the hope. I have been comforted by reading posts of people going through something similar, and have come through it. I know she is not so upset and doing the same. Maaan it is hard to separate what my head thinks and my heart feels! Good luck with your journey.
JDPT Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 It very interesting you mention that, I too thought I "knew" my ex so well, that she would always be there for me, always be willing to work things out, but circumstances change, people change, feelings change and its reality. I honestly thought I was going to grow old with my ex and saw no one beyond her, but as the saying goes "there is plenty of fish in the sea" and who knows maybe I'll find someone who will out do her and its also imperative to take her down from that pedestal because she was far from perfect as I used to think she was. It hurts, I won't lie, you will have your good and bad days, but it's up to you whether you want to make it a good or bad one. The difference between a good and a bad day is your attitude, it's an uphill battle for all of us with the understanding that it will gradually get better as time goes on. 3
fujidabruin Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 It very interesting you mention that, I too thought I "knew" my ex so well, that she would always be there for me, always be willing to work things out, but circumstances change, people change, feelings change and its reality. I honestly thought I was going to grow old with my ex and saw no one beyond her, but as the saying goes "there is plenty of fish in the sea" and who knows maybe I'll find someone who will out do her and its also imperative to take her down from that pedestal because she was far from perfect as I used to think she was. It hurts, I won't lie, you will have your good and bad days, but it's up to you whether you want to make it a good or bad one. The difference between a good and a bad day is your attitude, it's an uphill battle for all of us with the understanding that it will gradually get better as time goes on. Nicely put JDPT..... I agree it is important to realize that you do put them on that pedestal and they are just another person with issues like the rest of us. It is hard to detach from the relationship so give it time and take control. By enforcing the full no contact thing you give yourself the control which is important cause we want what we cant have and it gets worse if you give up that control.
Author kindofsad Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 This is really good to hear, I am so glad I decided to post my story today. I have put her on a pedastal, I did that in the relationship and that was a problem then so I should not perpetuate the mistake. It is about taking control, I can't control her decisions only my own, I am really going to work on that this week . 3
mutant Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 This is really good to hear, I am so glad I decided to post my story today. I have put her on a pedastal, I did that in the relationship and that was a problem then so I should not perpetuate the mistake. It is about taking control, I can't control her decisions only my own, I am really going to work on that this week . It's good that you have come to this realization. It's time you stop clutching at oily straws. Don't go out with her anymore and concentrate 100% on your project. Easy said than done but keep on posting here and you will get lots of support.. Mutant
Author kindofsad Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 I just received a text this morning from her asking about something she thinks she left behind, she also sent me a photo of her neice! But didn't ask any questions about me. I have been NC for a few days, we both agreed to have space but I did say that if she really needed anything then that was ok. I guess that was a mistake. I know this doesn't mean anything to her, probably an indication that she is selfish and does not respect by space. This is hardgoing, I barely slept last night and I am trying to concentrate my thoughts onto me rather than her.
Virgil876 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 Take it from everybody, as hard as it may sound, you have to move on, if interacting with her makes you sad, don't make contact at all.
Author kindofsad Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Thank you. I know, it is slowly sinking in that it is the end. I have been looking at lots of online advice, it is heartwarming to see the plethora of information. So many people go through this. I am trying to put it all into perspective, it is hard now but will get better, and it is up to me to move myself forward and not dwell in the past. It may sound silly but I have made lots of notes of what I am going through and how normal it is to feel like this, when I find myself getting anxious I re-read the notes and positive mantras to get through, I am hoping day by day I will need to read them less and less. This is just a period of my life, and sometimes we have to go through down times to really apprieciate happy times, and those times will come. It has been a help to post my story and get a dose of reality instead of living in fantasyland!
Knoxpwns Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 My g/f broke up with me 6 weeks ago, after 6 years together. She said she no longer loved me, and had no ‘passion’ for me. We have been in a long distance relationship for the past 10 months and I found it really hard to be at home whilst she went out creating a life for herself in a new country. She told me to get out and do things for myself but I stayed at home to save money for us to get a place together when she got back. She was due to come back 6 weeks ago, she said realised she could not move in with me, and our relationship is over and has been for a while, particularly the physical side. I was hoping when she came back we could talk and face to face things might be different. They were not, she said she was relieved at her decision. I then found out that she has fallen in love with someone else , she said although she cheated it was over for her before and she didn’t know how to tell me. We went out recently and had a great day together, we really enjoy each others company. I have been trying to make positive changes in my life, and I do feel better about myself, she commentated how well I was doing and is really pleased for me. I realise this probably stems from her guilt but part of me wants to believe that she has just had a bit of a crazy few months and we can work things out. She has text me a few times this week, they are just casual texts telling me about a book etc. and I reply politely. I know she is still seeing this other person (although now that is a long distance relationship) but I can’t help hoping it is a rebound and they will break up, although they do talk about marriage, kids, etc. so it could be she has now really met the ‘one’ and is living her life after being stuck in an unhappy relationship with me. We said that we will give each other space, and I don’t want to go totally no contact, I would rather limited contact. Since we saw each other I have been thinking about her, we have no other plans to meet up and don’t intend to for at least a few months. I am struggling to take my mind of it though, I have been exercising and going out, but I have a big project due this month so do not have the time to go out lots but I can’t concentrate on my work. I am starting to accept its over, but can’t put out that glimmer of hope that she is missing me and we can work on things now she is back to a more routine life. Am I just delusional? Also I’m in my mid 30s and seems so hard to start again. I sympathize as this exact same thing happened to me. She even had a guy lined up and cheated before kicking my ass to the curb. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I can't offer much in terms of advice, but I know that feel. I'm in my mid 20s. Makes me depressed to see women will still act the same 10 years from now for me.
fujidabruin Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 I sympathize as this exact same thing happened to me. She even had a guy lined up and cheated before kicking my ass to the curb. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I can't offer much in terms of advice, but I know that feel. I'm in my mid 20s. Makes me depressed to see women will still act the same 10 years from now for me. Dude, my ex is mid-40 and had to leave our great committed for something casual. Fckn kills me as I enter day 11 of full NC. Don't think age matters and it does not depress me but I do not like that women escape from their intimacy issues or fear of commitment by heading into the arms of another man. Why does this seem to be such a common theme???
Virgil876 Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Thank you. I know, it is slowly sinking in that it is the end. I have been looking at lots of online advice, it is heartwarming to see the plethora of information. So many people go through this. I am trying to put it all into perspective, it is hard now but will get better, and it is up to me to move myself forward and not dwell in the past. It may sound silly but I have made lots of notes of what I am going through and how normal it is to feel like this, when I find myself getting anxious I re-read the notes and positive mantras to get through, I am hoping day by day I will need to read them less and less. This is just a period of my life, and sometimes we have to go through down times to really apprieciate happy times, and those times will come. It has been a help to post my story and get a dose of reality instead of living in fantasyland! I am sort of similar, I am 32 and my ex is 22, she left me a fortnight ago to say "I don't love you anymore, I just need some time alone", and for the past 8 months or so, it has been quite stale in our relationship, just fell into a routine and both of us were complacent and since it's still the early stages, sometimes I still have the thought of getting back with her and missing her, although I am surprised at how well I am handling this because even though I feel lonely, I am coping rather well, which scares me slightly.
Author kindofsad Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 I find it difficult to understand because it is not a way I would act. I value integrity and it was a shock to find out my ex did not. It is a test of faith in humanity but I'm determined that one person's actions will not ruin my trust in the future. It can happen at any age, but just because some people behave without integrity it doesn't mean everyone does. I have been badly stung but will continue to live my life to be the very best person I can be. Keep the faith and trust, don't let your ex take that away from you.
Author kindofsad Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 So today was interesting...I didn't sleep last night and was really sad in work today so I decided that I would call the doctor to get a referrel for a counsellor. I just needed to admit to myself that I am struggling and perhaps this goes into my own issues a little rather than just the break up. The doctor recommended meds but I refused and insisted I wanted counselling first. I went back to work and felt much better for taking a bit of control to help myself. I checked Facebook and the ex had added her new love as a friend on fb (I knew this was inevitable and I know she has moved on and I have no right to be upset). My workmate shouted at me to unfriend her, literally stood over me till I did it! It felt strange but empowering. I was then talking to another collegue and she is splitting from her husband, but she is the dumper, she seemed happy and relieved and it really brought it home to me that is probably how my ex is. On the day I am going to the docs she is happily embracing her new found freedom and love and it made me realise that this is a ridiculous situation and I really need to sort myself out. An hour later another collegue spoke to me as she had just heard that I had split up and invited me out tomorrow night with a load of work people for dinner and drinks. I hardly ever socialise with work people but I think I might just go for something a bit different.... Slow progress I know but I think I am getting there
Author kindofsad Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Four months on from BU and its still difficult but getting so much better. Ex is still with new person and just travelled half way round the world to visit her. Even though it is ridiculous I have been clinging onto false hope, its not something I want but a little part of brain is reluctant to let go. However I know the hope is dwindling, and in no way takes over all my thoughts as it did a couple of months ago. I have been to a therapist a few times and this has really really helped, I would highly recommend it for anyone struggling. It has brought up some 'seperation issues' from my past and I am learning the tools to help deal with them. I have been NC for 3 weeks, although I have not initiated contact for much longer, I did find it difficult not to reply to breadcrumbs. I am sure this has delayed my healing but I think in life sometimes you just have to make the mistakes for yourself even though everyone advises against it It is hard not being in contact, I really want to find out how she is doing but I do come to these boards and find inspiration not to do it. Slow progress, but progress all the same. I can feel the old me coming back, and resuming old interests, it is hard getting myself motivated to do stuff but I find if I don't pressure myself too much it is easier. I was beating myself up a bit that I felt so down but once I came to terms with the fact it is painful and you can't rush the healing process, or skip the pain you just have to accept it, some days will be better than others, and it is ok. Being on these boards and reading other posts has been an invaluable help to me, immediately post BU I was a mess - it is hard but does get better, I am still on my journey of recovery and can't wait to feel even better in the months to come
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