Obsessed with OM even after reconciliation

[r4lamar]

My wife cheated on me (D-day was 5 months ago, one time event was 9 months ago). After the 1st month of shock and barley making, not sleeping - you know how it goes... pure hell. My wife and I set out to fix the problem - true honest problems and issues. This lead to my wife moving out and eventually a decision to divorce. After the divorce decision we both didn't feel right and gave it a go again. She eventually moved back in after "dating", spending time with the kids as a family, and weekly trips to marriage counselor. Basically 3.5 month of pure hell, hard work, self discovery, etc... Since my wife moved back in our marriage has progressed to the best it has ever been, better than I could ever imagine. We have fun together, we live honest lives (no more making other people happy, just focused on our family), sex life is amazing, just plain content and happy. We do amazing things together. She appreciates and see my good, and I realize where I wasn't fulfilling here needs. I realize this is a honeymoon phase (we have fought since, but not like we used to) and it won't be this wonderful forever, but I do see a change in my, and our lives together.

 

Anyhow - I have my moments where, thoughts of their night together push back into my head, emails and explicit pics that I caught (the discovery) play over and over in my head. This leads to the same insecurities, the same doubts. I check over everything she has (email, phone, facebook etc...) she gave me full access. When she sees me in these doubting and want to get the hell out moments she is very quick to give me what I need, tell me what I need to hear and reassure me. She shows true remorse and I believe her. She has done nothing to give me reason to doubt (I doubt I will ever fully trust her again - she lied so easily to me before, and she understands this). I would never ever be grateful for what she did to me but it really has lead us to a better life so far - opened us up to the possibility of a great marriage and relationship. Mutual friends went thru this with us (luckily the only ones) and they had personal experience with this... told us that this would either break us or make us so strong on the other end. So far the so strong. I can bring up anything to my wife; my doubts, my concerns, my fears, etc...

 

I just wanted to let you know where we are at - anyhow, lately I have been kind of obsessed with the OM. He was an old friend of hers (before I was in the picture) She admitted to me that at 2 points during our 11 year marriage she spend about 5 months at a time emailing back and forth (thank the good lord we haven't lived in the same state as him) and it would start innocent and lead to an emotional affair - then one of them would end it as it was inappropriate (or apparently he go caught on his end by his wife), then years would go by and somehow it would start again.

 

So she gets caught we separate (she has a few phone conversations with him, and realizes he was in it just for the sex and she was nothing but a play toy to him, a way to get off). She worked with our therapist while separated and her suggestion was to simply tell him that her and I are trying to work things out and she is done with him, and then cut off all communication. She has cut all communication off, been about 3.5 months. Recently I have been dying to call him and let him know what a piece of S*&^ he is, that we did work our marriage out and that we are happier then ever. That we are going to kick life's a$% together, raise some amazing kids, and have fun doing it. Basically I want to tell him he is trash and I am not, that I have never or would never stoop to his level. That I hope he has a very sad and lonely life. (please understand I am the guy that everyone likes and I like everyone, I get a long with everybody) - I try and see the good in all things, can't see any good in him. I'm 35 years old and I don't recall ever saying that I hate somebody - well, I hate this dude.

 

So I have been obsessed - I googled him, checked out his facebook page (what limited access I have), looked at his linkedin page, try to find his wife info - just in case I want to let her know what he is. Tried to find his address, so I can ... do what I don't know. Here is a reason why... I decided to take a job back in the state he lives - know this was my choice, my wife left it up to me. It was a chance I wouldn't get again for a long time, so I took it. I also figure that this will either break us or make us even stronger. The other addition is that I happen to be working at the same hospital as him. We work in different areas but he provides services to what I do. Small chance but I might run into him...

 

Any suggestions on how I can deal with this or handle the situation. I know what in a way he is kind of winning, the fact that I am putting any thought into him is a bit sad and pathetic. Any tips or tricks. Should I email, text, or call him? I haven't because I don't think it will do any good. Part of my reasoning is, I figure he as heard we are moving back (as my wife and he still have a few mutual friends - who my wife let me know that she is just going to avoid that whole scene as it has no appeal to her any longer). I'm guessing he is thinking that he will give it a few months, a year - then start the emails again and try and get what he has gotten in the past. I just want him to know what my wife is done with him, and sees him for who he is. She is willing to do what will help me in the healing process, but was suggested by therapist to simply cut all contact with him.

 

Thanks for reading and any advice - and sorry for the long windedness of it all!

[r4lamar]

I was just as hurt by my wife, just want to make sure that was clear. The lies she told me, how she told me one thing and I find out it was totally different. Just painful that she thought so little of me, to cheat on me - I'm pissed that she didn't have the courage to say something wasn't right in our marriage and that we needed to seek help or end it before she did something like that. I took it very personally, broke my spirit and core a bit. But she has apologized and shown remorse and done what she can do make things right (even when we thought we were divorcing). Maybe I am looking for an apology from him, maybe I want him to aplogize to my wife to (just as much her fault as it his, my wife wouldn't do a thing unless she absolutely wanted to) - is that weird? Sorry for being an a#%, sorry for treating you like a total tool, sorry for being who he is. I guess I have a lot anger still - which I am typically not an angry or aggressive person.

[dichotomy]

I get the checking up on OM. I have done it myself sometimes obsessively so. For me it was about understanding what characteristics drew my wife so strongly to OM - for me like some detective profiling show.

 

I think trying to call him is crossing the line (but some here have called OM). I think telling his wife might be worthwhile.

 

I have some questions form your post that I was not sure of. Did wife have a EA or PA. Was she seeing others during your separation? Also how close will this move to his state put you to OM? (some states are large).

 

Also .....can you expand a little more about your obsession?

 

"Maybe I am looking for an apology from him, maybe I want him to apologize to my wife to (just as much her fault as it his, my wife wouldn't do a thing unless she absolutely wanted to) - is that weird?"

 

Why would looking at his profiles have anything to do with wanting him to apologize? or getting even... I think perhaps this last part - why my wife wanted to be with him? Understanding your competition? Self esteem issues?

 

I assume your wife has been forthright on what was attractive about him to her?

Edited August 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[road]

I was just as hurt by my wife, just want to make sure that was clear. The lies she told me, how she told me one thing and I find out it was totally different. Just painful that she thought so little of me, to cheat on me - I'm pissed that she didn't have the courage to say something wasn't right in our marriage and that we needed to seek help or end it before she did something like that. I took it very personally, broke my spirit and core a bit. But she has apologized and shown remorse and done what she can do make things right (even when we thought we were divorcing). Maybe I am looking for an apology from him, maybe I want him to aplogize to my wife to (just as much her fault as it his, my wife wouldn't do a thing unless she absolutely wanted to) - is that weird? Sorry for being an a#%, sorry for treating you like a total tool, sorry for being who he is. I guess I have a lot anger still - which I am typically not an angry or aggressive person.

 

 

The apology from the OM is not worth it.

 

You do not want the OM breaking NC to apologize to your WW. And apologize to your WW for what? Having consensual sex. The OM did not hold a gun to WW head and say bend over.

 

Recovery is a two to five year process. If you have copies of the evidence you should not be looking at them now. It will keep you remembering the affair instead of letting the memories fade. If you feel you need to save the evidence if you fear the slightest chance of a divorce happening then make hard copies and leave them with your lawyer or dad to hold for safe keeping.

 

Yes you have anger towards the OM. He had no consequences. The OMW and his parents need to be told. Expose them today. Your WW should help you to do this.

[oldshirt]

The apology from the OM is not worth it.

 

You do not want the OM breaking NC to apologize to your WW. And apologize to your WW for what? Having consensual sex. The OM did not hold a gun to WW head and say bend over.

 

Recovery is a two to five year process. If you have copies of the evidence you should not be looking at them now. It will keep you remembering the affair instead of letting the memories fade. If you feel you need to save the evidence if you fear the slightest chance of a divorce happening then make hard copies and leave them with your lawyer or dad to hold for safe keeping.

 

Yes you have anger towards the OM. He had no consequences. The OMW and his parents need to be told. Expose them today. Your WW should help you to do this.

 

Part of me agrees with this.

 

He owes her no apology, she was in on it. You and your marriage are the ones he hurt (along with her)

 

Part of me agrees with telling his wife, he should feel the sting.

 

But here is another option to consider. Since you are going to be moving close to him and he may still be a threat. Make copies of the emails, txts and pics and send them to him to show him what evidence you have.

 

And then tell him to stay completely away from you and your family for life. And then inform him that if he tries to make any kind of contact with her ever again that you will send certified copies of all of the emails, txts and pics to his wife, parents, adult children, Aunt Petunia etc etc.

[Jonah]

No, not the OM... If it wasn't him, it would be someone else. He did you a favor by exposing who she really is so it could either be corrected or you could move on. She betrayed you.... he was just looking for some extra leg and may be relived that she is gone.

 

It ain't worth it. A nameless faceless entity.

 

If it were me, I may find out who he is just to thoroughly expose him... not to hurt him, not to help his w.. but to gouge my WS. Let you know that you mean to do it... sharing your research and your plans of attack... get to watch her squirm... it would be fun!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Basically I want to tell him he is trash and I am not, that I have never or would never stoop to his level. That I hope he has a very sad and lonely life.

 

So I have been obsessed - I googled him, checked out his facebook page (what limited access I have), looked at his linkedin page, try to find his wife info - just in case I want to let her know what he is. Tried to find his address, so I can ... do what I don't know. Here is a reason why... I decided to take a job back in the state he lives - know this was my choice, my wife left it up to me.

 

I figure he as heard we are moving back (as my wife and he still have a few mutual friends - who my wife let me know that she is just going to avoid that whole scene as it has no appeal to her any longer). I'm guessing he is thinking that he will give it a few months, a year - then start the emails again and try and get what he has gotten in the past. I just want him to know what my wife is done with him, and sees him for who he is. She is willing to do what will help me in the healing process, but was suggested by therapist to simply cut all contact with him.

 

Thanks for reading and any advice - and sorry for the long windedness of it all!

 

You want to let him know he is a piece of trash - I would guess he already knows that, it's pointless to tell him.

 

You want to let him know your wife is done with him - that's sad and pathetic. Given that he has had at least two 5-month periods where he was sexting up your wife (about 10% of your marriage) and had sex with her once (?), YOU telling him that SHE is done with him will sound pretty empty. He would probably think, if she's so done with me, why doesn't SHE tell me?

 

You DEFINITELY WILL have contact with other man. Your wife probably will, too, either by accident or by other man figuring a way to see her. IF he and your wife run into each other, it's up to your wife to forcefully tell this guy that SHE thinks he is trash and NEVER wants to talk to him again. When you see this guy, be calm and confident, smug, superior, that your wife thinks he is trash and has chosen to stay with you, that your marriage is stronger than ever - that is the attitude you should project. Let him make the first move and handle it from there. Whatever he does - whether it be an apology or a snide remark or asking about your wife - treat him with the distance and contempt he deserves. Don't be afraid to speak boldly and truthfully in front of others in your presence about how he tried - UNSUCCESSFULLY - to poach your wife.

 

Do contact the other man's wife and let her know what went on. You mention that she found out once in the past, or at least so you think. Definitely let her know it happened again and offer her any evidence you have. If it was physical let her know that. Letting other man's wife know helps to prevent a recurrence. She will be alert to repeated contact as well. It also is the right thing to do. She has a right to make her life decisions knowing the truth. And if it gives you a little bit of revenge on him, that's just a pleasant by-product.

 

If you do decide to let the other man's wife know, do tell your wife before you do it. The reason some will say NOT to tell your wife before you do it is because your wife may contact other man to warn him, and then he will either intercept your message to the other man's wife or warn her that a crazy, jealous husband is about to contact her and to ignore him. In your case, your wife won't give other man any warning, so it's OK to tell her. Not only is it OK to tell your wife, you are likely to create distance with your wife if you don't tell her and she finds out later.

[r4lamar]

This is why I post, you can get the crazy out a bit and get some good advice from those that have been thru it. It sucks we have been there but it is nice to know I am not a lone.

 

- I think I'm obsessed because I want him to suffer like I did. As far as I know he got away with out his wife finding out. I'm pretty good at searching and internet but I can't find a way to contact his wife. I think I have her narrowed down, but it could be an unmarried sister, but I think it is her. My wife did tell me that at the apex of what they did he was living in his parents basement (which is a victory in its own). I did see that a marriage counselor and a divorce attorney were both looking at his linkedin profile - so it is possible that they are going thru a divorce.

 

- I'm sorry I thought I made it clear that I hold my wife to blame just as much. It is that she has gone thru hell to get things back on track. I have put her thru test and have not made this an easy "I'll take you back cause I love you" situation (granted I have learned that I really do love her - cause this has been so hard, I would do it if I didn't love her). I am taking her back because I believe she is changing and so I am.

 

-Thanks to the responder "You want to let him know he is a piece of trash - I would guess he already knows that, it's pointless to tell him.". There is a pretty heavy religious undertone here. This is a huge no-no, even having sex before marriage is let alone with another man's wife. My guess is the guilt is pretty heavy there because I know he is pretty active, a lot more than I am even. I have thought about what to do when I do run into him, and I plan to be calm collected and show I have no interest in him or his life (I realize at this point that is lie, but he doesn't know that). Loved this comment to: Don't be afraid to speak boldly and truthfully in front of others in your presence about how he tried - UNSUCCESSFULLY - to poach your wife.

 

-No, not the OM... If it wasn't him, it would be someone else. He did you a favor by exposing who she really is so it could either be corrected or you could move on. She betrayed you.... he was just looking for some extra leg and may be relived that she is gone. Agreed, and agree even more. Not that I would ever be grateful but your right let me move on or lets fix this and make it something we both want.

 

- Self esteem issue - never thought I had one, but when your wife cheats on you, I questioned myself. It has actually pushed me to live a healthier life style (though I was going to be single again. Lost that extra weight, and am in the best shape since marriage) - which I should have always been doing, i get it.

 

Thanks again, more advice appreciated.

[Artie Lang]

i say, you keep trying to inform his wife. gather your info. in a nice neat little package and send it to her certified mail so she can sign for it. if you've found him on the net(Facebook, LinkedIn, etc.) you can find his address on Spokeo.

 

 

it's not about winning or losing. if you're going about it that way, there are no clear winners when it comes to infidelity..... almost like a Zero-sum game.

[dichotomy]

For a small fee ussearch(dot)com can run a background report on OM which can identify his address, emails, and who else resides there such as a wife.

 

It sounds like your wife has repented (a major process) and been open and honest.

 

It can be extremely difficult to convince someone they "did wrong" and expect some sort of repercussions in this world. OM may simply not be that kind of man. You may get some public shaming of him, or his wife, but he may not feel it.

 

If you wife has been honest- you should know all about this guy. She would have also let you know how he felt about having EA (or PA?) with a married woman.

[Artie Lang]

double post

[pathtopeace]

I am so sorry you are going through this r4lamar. I am approx. 2.5 years out from D-Day. My husband has done everything he can to help me heal. I am able to go to him for comfort whenever I need. If you look at my past post (I've only started one thread) you can see more about how I struggle as you are now. My biggest issues in recovery have been controlling my own thoughts. My battle with my husband that led to D-Day has long since ended. My battle with myself since D-Day is on-going.

 

My recovery has 3 main areas of hurt: (1) trust of my husband (finally I am there and have no longer have issues with this), (2) triggers (ouch those are less frequent but still formidable), and (3) obsession with the OW (the toughest thing to kick).

 

I do not talk about the affair with anyone but my husband and our therapist. Even they don't know the extent to which I have suffered over triggers and thoughts of the OW. It has gotten better for me over time but it has been hard. I was really embarrassed and frustrated about thinking about the OW so much and trying to get info on her (FB and google etc). In the beginning it was comforting to watch her social media because I could tell that she really wasn't in contact with my husband anymore and that was comforting (I've learned the devil is in the details with affairs). But long after I regained trust in my marriage, I still found myself with triggers and obsession over the OW. From what I can tell here, I think it is normal.

 

I like to have information, so I read all I could get on triggers and OW obsession. The themes of recovery for this seem to be that we have to re-direct our thoughts over and over. One of the articles that was helpful to me with my OW obsession/triggers is Emotional Memory Management: Dealing with Triggers When Recovering from Infidelity - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

 

I think it may be kind of like an addiction for some us BSs - this obsession over OW.

 

This is the plan I have implemented for myself and I share it in case any of it can be helpful to you:

 

First, I had to stop shaming myself and realize that this is just part of recovery for me. LS was a blessing to me because I felt less crazy because I could see other people go through this as well.

 

Second, when I'm starting to go into a spiral, I put conscious effort into NOT looking on her social media (i.e. today I will not google her) and will instead, upon the urge, do something nice and positive for myself. If you can manage that (sometimes I can, sometimes I can't), it really helps. If you can make a healthy meal, go out and exercise, play with the dog, whatever brings you joy - even if you do not feel like it at the time.

 

Third, I realized that when I have other stressors (work is tough, not getting enough sleep), the triggers and obsession get worse. Just being aware of this his helpful so I can put more mental energy on avoiding putting more energy into the obsession and on trying to work in more healthy things for myself. Setting aside time for relaxation seems to help me with triggers/obsession.

 

Fourth, I realized that I have to catch the downward spiral of trigger/obsession EARLY. Once I get to deep into it, it just has to run its course. If I can catch it early, and redirect my energy, I can get out of it and move on.

 

Fifth, often times when I am feeling low from triggers/obsession, doing something nice for someone ELSE is good. Not my husband or myself ....but someone completely outside of our family. It can be anything that brings good energy. Opening a door for someone, buying a cold drink for someone working outside in the heat, letting someone go ahead of me in the grocery story line, smiling, being compassionate towards others, helping a friend with something.....I've even found a little time here and there volunteering has been very helpful. After spending an afternoon helping in a soup kitchen, my problems with triggers/obsession seem to feel very manageable.

 

Sixth, talking to friends I enjoy about other things helps (specifically not about my problem or triggers). It gets me out of my own head for a while.

 

Seventh, when my husband and I are doing things that are REALLY fun and new, when we are both relaxed, the affair feels really far away and so do the triggers/obsession. I'm talking about things that fill your soul joy. Have you ever wanted to sky dive for example...then grab your wife and do it together (unless sky diving is a trigger of course!). I am talking about really out of the box, fun things that you did not do during the affair time.

 

Eighth, I found comfort in reclaiming and rebuilding our life. We take pictures of things we are doing when we are out having fun and put them on the wall. Create new memories for yourselves. When I look at pictures of myself smiling now, it makes me realize that THAT is who I am. I don't need to be mired in these triggers/obsession. Reclaim your life. Take this time to go after dreams/goals you have ignored in the past. Start becoming the best you can be at things. Hell, if we can survive THIS, then we can do anything.

 

Ninth, I continually work on staying in the PRESENT. I refocus by looking at our life now. It is really very enjoyable. It is my mind that keeps dragging me backwards into the pain of the affair............it is no longer my husband or the OW.......it's all within me. That means I have the power to fix it through awareness. I found comfort in Eckhart Tolle's "Power of Now" and his seminars (on iTunes now I think). I also found comfort in a book called "The Untethered Soul." There's also a simple 12 minute meditation that is helpful in breaking triggers and building memory called "kirtan kriya" or something like that. I downloaded it. When I REALLY don't feel like doing anything, I force myself to do that. It's a chant with hand movements so you don't have to worry about trying to silence the mind.

 

Tenth, I have found some peace recently in forgiving the OW in my mind. That's a REALLY individualized decision for each BS and I couldn't have done it any earlier than I did. I still go back and forth but I stopped calling her a crazy psycho **&&&!@ in my mind and have been referring to her by name. I've journaled letters of forgiveness to her. I put the words of forgiveness in my phone notes and I refer to it and practice saying them during the day if I feel triggered/obsessed EVEN IF I don't feel like it. Again, sometimes I can and sometimes I can't do these helpful things. But I keep trying. It's like it takes more energy to hate her than to forgive and let go. This is only in my own mind. I did not, and will not, contact her. When I didn't have trust or I felt threatened, I could not do that. It's only been recently that I could even fathom the thought.

 

Lastly, and 11th, I talk to my husband when it builds up and I can't handle it anymore. I tell him that I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to keep bringing her into our lives, but that I need his help. We talk, he listens and comforts, and it goes away easier for me. I was afraid to let him in for a long time on how nutty I was about this in my own head............and then it would build........and I would explode over something trivial. He has repeatedly begged me to talk to him before things escalate in my mind...so we can work though it. I still don't tell him every instance, of course, but he's aware of the patterns and it allows him to help me.

 

I apologize for the long reply, but I wanted you to have as much info as possible because seeing that from others has helped me. The last comment I have is on contacting the OW/OM. There are a variety of opinions on that. For my situation, I chose strict NC for the OW and her husband. My husband and I wrote a D-Day email to her telling her the affair was over and asking that she respect NC. That ended it for us. I never contacted her again and I've been really comfortable with that situation.

 

Affairs bring incredible drama. I felt that telling her husband would further intertwine us in drama. I felt like we would barely recover even if 100% of our energy was focused inward....we needed absolutely no outside drama or influence if we were to survive. Her husband will eventually find out if she has another affair, or he knew and didn't tell me, or she won't have another affair and he could be spared living in my hell, or they will continue on their way with her being wayward. I just felt that I couldn't handle involving myself in their marriage because mine was all I could deal with. I still don't know how I feel about whether it would've been right to contact him.

 

I felt the need to contact her MANY times but I ultimately felt, again, that I did not need to be stirring up drama. I did not need to warn her off of my husband because it was up to him to show he could be trustworthy after such a huge betrayal. I remain thankful that I never contacted her and won't do so in the future. I have enough mental real estate dedicated to her WITHOUT adding to it by having conversations with her. Ultimately, this wound was created by my husband and my husband alone. He has to be the one to heal it.

 

This whole mess is crazy-making. I had always thought that I would leave immediately if my husband cheated.............then here I am. It has made me less judgmental in every aspect of my life. You truly cannot know another's pain until you walk in their shoes.

 

I wish you the very best in your healing. You are not alone. Hang in there and it will slowly get better!

[Jonah]

Do you have e-mails that reflect that it was only one time or are you just going by what she says. WSs that care will always minimalize. It's nice to think they are minimalizing mainly to protect their spouses heart but its often just to avoid contention. Truth is though... the truth can help a couple bind where secrets keep the wedges in place. Best to know sooner rather than have it haunt you years down the road.

[Coolit]

WSs that care will always minimize

I cared. A lot. And I told all.

[Jonah]

I cared. A lot. And I told all.

 

No such thing as always. How small-minded of me... thanks for pointing that out.

[NotCamelot]

I went through the very same "obsession" type thing you describe. It's mostly gone now, but for the first 12 months it tortured my thoughts every day.

 

I did tell his wife everything I knew about two hours after I found out everything. Called him first, then called my W, then called his wife. First, she deserved to know. Second, if I was going to stop the A, I needed someone "on my side" and I thought his W would have the same point of view I did regarding the A. And, even though she was a great ally for the day and helped to end it, I have not spoken to her since nor do I want or need to.

 

With all the obsession, I devised a plan to inflict a lot of pain and damage on the AP. I brought his world crashing down on him much worse than telling his W. I found what he treasured most and attacked that - and, on one day, you could hear the pain in his voice as he was starting to cry. No one except his W and him know that it was me that did it. And I have witnessed the great pain it has caused him. And, I admit, that gave me great satisfaction. My W knows what happened.....she just does not know how it happened to him. If she suspects, she has never mentioned it.

 

I was told by many on LS not to do it. But, his W had cheated on him the year before. He knew what it felt like to be the betrayed spouse. So, I felt that he did not care that he was doing the same thing to me that his wife's AP had done to him. He knew what that pain felt like but did not care that I would hurt like that. He was totally selfish and only cared about himself. I could not let that go. He had to hurt and the hurt had to come from me.

 

I am NOT suggesting that you do anything at all. And, what I did was all totally legal and the actions were nothing that could have gotten me into any kind of trouble. I simply put the truth out where it would cause increidble damage to him and his "holier than thou" reputation.

 

Give this some time.

[Owl]

The 'obsession' you feel is normal, especially at the stage of recovery you're currently in.

 

Recovery takes YEARS, not months.

 

You're still in the process of recovering, not recovered.

 

That's important to note, because you're still going to go through several more 'stages' during this time.

 

And I'd agree...the obsession with OM will likely last most of the first year post d-day.