TaraMaiden Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) Good comments of which I appreciate. They divorced because he is a self serving verbally abusive narcissist. Im not afraid shes a pedophile or anything. And no, I am not the person I was 20 years ago. I tend to think your right that I am unreasonable in my prejudice. But my darn weaknesses wont let me past it. I keep thinking who or why would she do that? What did her parents think?, her friends? I guess it's 2 things: I feel threatened by the ex simply because he is 12 years younger than me. But not too much anymore. She is done with him. And second I just keep thinking there is something wrong with a 26 year old woman with an MBA going out with a kid working in a retail store. Thats all I can think of. You do know that it boils down to this, don't you? That she's not the one with the problem. You are. This is an issue that bothers you - not her. She gets defensive because there's nothing she regrets insofar as the age-gap is concerned. She gets defensive because you're questioning her morals and freedom to make her own choices. Freedom which she never owed you any justification for. And still doesn't. She gets defensive because you're making this out to be a far bigger issue than it is. How long have you been going out with her, again? Has she in all that time, shown any absurd traits of behaviour or given you any cause to be critical or righteous in your opinions of her? You said in your first post that Hes an immature jerk now, that's why she divorced him so how could he be mature then? Now you say that actually.... They divorced because he is a self serving verbally abusive narcissist. Being an 'immature jerk' is a whole different ball-game, and a world away from being 'a self-serving verbally abusive narcissist'. The former is not necessarily a good single reason for her to have divorced him. The latter almost definitely is, and is good grounds, too. Such behaviour need not have manifested at that time, either.... So you're questioning her judgement based on your own perceptions, not on a definite reality. See how this is unfolding? In the cold grey light of day, when you say things of this nature, I am of the opinion that you should break up with her. She deserves to have someone more understanding, more sympathetic, kinder, more tolerant and less biased. because the one with the 'deficit' in this situation, isn't her. Is it? Edited August 4, 2013 by TaraMaiden 1
megan123 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Just to piggy back, I believe it's no big deal. Depending on your morales and beliefs, I can kinda understand where you're coming from if you're upset by it, but I don't see an issue with it. Like someone else has said, had the genders been reversed, it'd be nothing. Again, just piggybacking on what others have said, just drop it. It was love, but it wasn't meant to be, or else she'd still be with him. You're her's now, and focus on your future with her. Not her past.
sdraw108 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 What difference does it make? They were together, they fell in love, they married. For a time, it worked. Who cares what the ages were? I didn't bother reading the rest of the thread, because this is where it should have ended. 1
Author alkush Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 You do know that it boils down to this, don't you? That she's not the one with the problem. You are. This is an issue that bothers you - not her. She gets defensive because there's nothing she regrets insofar as the age-gap is concerned. She gets defensive because you're questioning her morals and freedom to make her own choices. Freedom which she never owed you any justification for. And still doesn't. She gets defensive because you're making this out to be a far bigger issue than it is. How long have you been going out with her, again? Has she in all that time, shown any absurd traits of behaviour or given you any cause to be critical or righteous in your opinions of her? You said in your first post that Now you say that actually.... Being an 'immature jerk' is a whole different ball-game, and a world away from being 'a self-serving verbally abusive narcissist'. The former is not necessarily a good single reason for her to have divorced him. The latter almost definitely is, and is good grounds, too. Such behaviour need not have manifested at that time, either.... So you're questioning her judgement based on your own perceptions, not on a definite reality. See how this is unfolding? In the cold grey light of day, when you say things of this nature, I am of the opinion that you should break up with her. She deserves to have someone more understanding, more sympathetic, kinder, more tolerant and less biased. because the one with the 'deficit' in this situation, isn't her. Is it? We have been going out 8 months. I think your pretty spot on. It is painful for me but your advice is good. Thank you. I have not always been like this but a little background. I think this stems from me being divorced 2 years ago after a 20 year marriage. I am so afraid of everyone now. My ex was comfortable, I knew exactly what to expect, very predictable, never any surprises. I just was never in love so I had to face that reality. So now, everyone is new and seen as risky. I cannot find a comfort level. They all have baggage but i guess so do I. I shouldn't expect otherwise I guess. It is scary. The more I care for someone such as this woman that I love, the more I want the unknown or things I perceive as risk to go away or be explained away. I think it is not healthy but sort of understandable from my current position in life. 1
ses Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Nobody likes to have his/her past rehashed. She married someone who was younger than her, and it occurred 2 decades ago. You feel uncomfortable because you're approaching the issue from your own experiences and cultural values. Don't make this an issue with her, or you'll lose a great woman. She's with you now so enjoy her.
MidwestUSA Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 We have been going out 8 months. I think your pretty spot on. It is painful for me but your advice is good. Thank you. I have not always been like this but a little background. I think this stems from me being divorced 2 years ago after a 20 year marriage. I am so afraid of everyone now. My ex was comfortable, I knew exactly what to expect, very predictable, never any surprises. I just was never in love so I had to face that reality. So now, everyone is new and seen as risky. I cannot find a comfort level. They all have baggage but i guess so do I. I shouldn't expect otherwise I guess. It is scary. The more I care for someone such as this woman that I love, the more I want the unknown or things I perceive as risk to go away or be explained away. I think it is not healthy but sort of understandable from my current position in life. Well, you're showing some good insight to your own problem. That's good! Lots of us have been there (I was divorced after 17 years and am older than you). It's different, it's scary, hang in there.
Author alkush Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I didn't bother reading the rest of the thread, because this is where it should have ended. Maybe it is that simple. I need to relax.
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