26F dating 17M or 29F dating 20M

[alkush]

Ok heres my story, im 50 and my GF is 47. She dropped a bombshell on me and I don't know how to deal with it or for that matter if there is nothing to deal with and it is me with the issue not her.

He ex husband is 9 years her junior. I cant figure it out yet but she was either 26 and he 17 when they met or she 29 and he 20.

 

Background: She had her masters degree at this time. He was not even in college. They met because they both worked at some store.

 

So it drives me nuts to think that she went out with a 17 to 20 year old when she was that old. Like there was something or is something wrong with her.

 

My questions:

1) Should I not even be talking or worried about something that happened 20+ years ago? But she's the one that brought up that he was so much younger.

2) Is it correct to think that this is weird or even wrong? She said he was very mature for his age and had all older friends. I say BS, that's what anyone would say. Hes an immature jerk now, that's why she divorced him so how could he be mature then?

3) If he was 17, is that way way worse?

 

I would like to get past it so any advice would be appreciated. If I should be wary and maybe call it quits then please say so. I just don't know what to think. I have a 20 year old son. If he brought home a 29 year old woman I would be very concerned.

[MrCastle]

29 and 20 is nothing.

 

26 and 17 is ridiculous.

 

In any event; what I would say to you is, they married, so it was (at the time) love.

 

I would have been much more concerned if she just had a one night stand or a casual relationship with a 17 year old.

 

But regardless, it's the past.

[alkush]

29 and 20 is nothing.

 

26 and 17 is ridiculous.

 

In any event; what I would say to you is, they married, so it was (at the time) love.

 

I would have been much more concerned if she just had a one night stand or a casual relationship with a 17 year old.

 

But regardless, it's the past.

 

Thanks much. Are you saying I need to know if he was 17 or 20? Or just drop it.

[SJC2008]

That was a long time ago talk about pulling out the cold case files! TBS 29 and 20 is more understandable than 26 and 17 like MC said.

[TaraMaiden]

My grandmother was 11 years OLDER than my grandfather, they were married 58 years and had 8 kids.

I have no idea at what age they met or married.

 

It's really not important.

 

What point are you making, exactly...?

[MrCastle]

Thanks much. Are you saying I need to know if he was 17 or 20? Or just drop it.

 

Drop. You can't change the past. He's an ex, you are her present and hopefully future.

[TaraMaiden]

Drop. You can't change the past. He's an ex, you are her present and hopefully future.

 

What difference does it make?

 

They were together, they fell in love, they married. For a time, it worked.

 

Who cares what the ages were?

[alkush]

My grandmother was 11 years OLDER than my grandfather, they were married 58 years and had 8 kids.

I have no idea at what age they met or married.

 

It's really not important.

 

What point are you making, exactly...?

 

I guess Im afraid that there is something wrong with this and I should run. It's like dating a kid. Whats wrong with someone, a woman, who could actually date a teenager when they are almost 30? Maybe I just cant accept anything out of the ordinary.

[TaraMaiden]

Define 'ordinary'.

 

WTF is that?

 

ordinary, nowadays is 'living together, commitment phobes, lesbian couples, gay couples, mixed race couples, mixed religion couples, couples who are bisexual, couples where one is bisexual, polyamory, affairs, threesomes and players.

 

What's 'ordinary'?

[MrCastle]

What difference does it make?

 

They were together, they fell in love, they married. For a time, it worked.

 

Who cares what the ages were?

 

26 year old women typically don't date 17 year old boys is all.

[TaraMaiden]

typically, perhaps. But I wouldn't classify it as 'out of the ordinary' given the many other different permutations.

besides, it's way in the past.

That was then, this is now.

He's with her 20-odd years on!

[TaraMaiden]

It's not always a question of age, alone.

It's also a question of upbringing, social maturity and intelligence.

[sillyanswer]

Here's a perspective:

 

You're worried about who your gf dated 20 years ago?

[alkush]

Ugh. 17 is VERY much a child.

 

I agree. So lets say it was 17 or 18. Shouldn't I be concerned even if it was 20 years ago? I mean her personality probably has the same dispositions and tendencies regardless. I want this past me regardless of the path I need to take.

[alkush]

I honestly can't believe you're this upset/worried/bothered/whatever over something that happened two decades ago. I could maybe understand your concern if she told you she enjoyed multiple casual flings with teenagers back then or even when she was in her 30s or something but this is a woman who was either 29 or 26 who ended up being married to the younger man. What's the big deal here?

 

I DO question myself for this. I just don't know what to do. At my age I guess im afraid to make a mistake. DO I want her so bad that I won't accept the warning flags? I seem to want nothing to even raise an eyebrow at. Good luck, right?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The OP isn't offering enough data/detail to rate too much sage advice.

 

 

Did they live in Mayberry? Or did they live in NYC?

 

 

What was the age of consent at the point when the person was 17... if he was in fact seventeen ?

 

 

 

Societal liking for just running around passing indiscriminate judgment on others, regardless of the laws in place at the time, is amusing, but akin to walking on quicksand.

 

 

Once we give 18yo's the right to vote, as legal adults, we don't then shun them for the perceived-by-us-to-be stupid choices they make once they get into the voting booth, while somehow tying those choices to their age at the time of voting.

 

If we move the bar, for legal sex, down below the '18.000' barrier, then we have to show some/(complete) respect for the new barrier.

 

 

Needless to say, the OP needs much more information before choosing what sort of a rant to embark upon.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If it bothers you, speak to her. If a partner of mine had worries, or even just curiosities for whatever reason, about anything to do with my and/or my life before I met them I'd be glad of the opportunity to chat to them and put their mind at ease.

[hoping2heal]

I guess Im afraid that there is something wrong with this and I should run. It's like dating a kid. Whats wrong with someone, a woman, who could actually date a teenager when they are almost 30? Maybe I just cant accept anything out of the ordinary.

 

TBH, I totally get what you're coming from. Whether they married or not is irrelevent in my opinion. I mean MKL and VV eventually married and he was what? 12, 13, 14? When they started having sex. Age differences mean different things within the context. If he was 17 then he was post pubescent so it's not like it indicates she was a pedophile or something (which WOULD be a reason to worry). But, it's probably an indication that at one point she was immature/emotionally had some developmental delays/ other issues. People can claim c'est la vie all they want but that is something substantial. Yet, technically you have no idea if the 17-26 age gap ever actually occured.

 

That was her past. If by all accounts she's a well adjusted person today then it really isn't important that at one point she was a certain way. We've all grown and gone through things and I don't think it's fair to hold someone's past against them, if they're current behavior is not even related.

 

Are you nit picking and looking for an out from your relationship with her or are there other red flags taking place?

[TaraMaiden]

I agree. So lets say it was 17 or 18. Shouldn't I be concerned even if it was 20 years ago? I mean her personality probably has the same dispositions and tendencies regardless.

Not so.

I definitely am NOT the person I was 20 years ago.

No question.

Life's experiences, challenges, hurdles, pitfalls, highs and lows have steadily served to transform the person I was 'then' into the person I am 'now'.

 

I certainly would never even contemplate marrying my first husband, for example - and as for my first BF - he was a total jerk. So I certainly do not have the same personality, dispositions or tendencies. Guaranteed, neither will she.

 

I mean, answer honestly: Are you the same person (personality, dispositions and tendencies) you were, 20 years ago?

 

I DO question myself for this. I just don't know what to do. At my age I guess im afraid to make a mistake. DO I want her so bad that I won't accept the warning flags? I seem to want nothing to even raise an eyebrow at. Good luck, right?

 

Has it occurred to you that her first husband was also a 'mistake'...?

Why did they divorce?

And we're all saying 17 - WAS he 17, when they started dating?

 

What warning flags are you talking about?

Are you scared she'll go out one afternoon to a school, and hang around the school gates scouting for pubescent victims?

 

What are you actually 'raising an eyebrow' at?

Really?

 

if you're raising an eyebrow at this, I'm surprised you're not in askance at the fact she wasn't a virgin when you started dating her....

 

See, it's on a par....You seem to be expecting 'dating perfection' but I think you're being unreasonable in your prejudice.

[alkush]

Or a 50 year old woman?

 

Why not just be honest about this and admit your real concern which is that your 50 year old gf might still be enticed by a much younger man, in this case, your own son?

 

And if she decides to seduce him there's not a whole lot you can do about it, is there.

 

My son is in IOWA and we are in Chicago. Besides that's ridiculous. I do not have those concerns.

[alkush]

Not so.

I definitely am NOT the person I was 20 years ago.

No question.

Life's experiences, challenges, hurdles, pitfalls, highs and lows have steadily served to transform the person I was 'then' into the person I am 'now'.

 

I certainly would never even contemplate marrying my first husband, for example - and as for my first BF - he was a total jerk. So I certainly do not have the same personality, dispositions or tendencies. Guaranteed, neither will she.

 

I mean, answer honestly: Are you the same person (personality, dispositions and tendencies) you were, 20 years ago?

 

 

 

Has it occurred to you that her first husband was also a 'mistake'...?

Why did they divorce?

And we're all saying 17 - WAS he 17, when they started dating?

 

What warning flags are you talking about?

Are you scared she'll go out one afternoon to a school, and hang around the school gates scouting for pubescent victims?

 

What are you actually 'raising an eyebrow' at?

Really?

 

if you're raising an eyebrow at this, I'm surprised you're not in askance at the fact she wasn't a virgin when you started dating her....

 

See, it's on a par....You seem to be expecting 'dating perfection' but I think you're being unreasonable in your prejudice.

 

Good comments of which I appreciate.

They divorced because he is a self serving verbally abusive narcissist.

Im not afraid shes a pedophile or anything.

And no, I am not the person I was 20 years ago.

I tend to think your right that I am unreasonable in my prejudice. But my darn weaknesses wont let me past it. I keep thinking who or why would she do that? What did her parents think?, her friends?

 

I guess it's 2 things:

I feel threatened by the ex simply because he is 12 years younger than me. But not too much anymore. She is done with him.

And second I just keep thinking there is something wrong with a 26 year old woman with an MBA going out with a kid working in a retail store. Thats all I can think of.

[alkush]

TBH, I totally get what you're coming from. Whether they married or not is irrelevent in my opinion. I mean MKL and VV eventually married and he was what? 12, 13, 14? When they started having sex. Age differences mean different things within the context. If he was 17 then he was post pubescent so it's not like it indicates she was a pedophile or something (which WOULD be a reason to worry). But, it's probably an indication that at one point she was immature/emotionally had some developmental delays/ other issues. People can claim c'est la vie all they want but that is something substantial. Yet, technically you have no idea if the 17-26 age gap ever actually occured.

 

That was her past. If by all accounts she's a well adjusted person today then it really isn't important that at one point she was a certain way. We've all grown and gone through things and I don't think it's fair to hold someone's past against them, if they're current behavior is not even related.

 

Are you nit picking and looking for an out from your relationship with her or are there other red flags taking place?

 

Its interesting that you say I may be nit picking and looking for an out. That has entered my mind. hmmm.

[alkush]

If it bothers you, speak to her. If a partner of mine had worries, or even just curiosities for whatever reason, about anything to do with my and/or my life before I met them I'd be glad of the opportunity to chat to them and put their mind at ease.

 

Yea, well, she gets all defensive. Maybe rightly so.

[FitChick]

She is not the same person she was at that time. People change. You sound insecure, like you're worried she'll dump you for someone much younger. She might, especially if she realizes how immature you are.

[FitChick]

And second I just keep thinking there is something wrong with a 26 year old woman with an MBA going out with a kid working in a retail store. Thats all I can think of.

 

He was probably amazing in bed.