Has anyone ever moved in w their MM

[SunsetRed]

Just wondering if anyone has ever done this. I can only imagine the outcome.

 

The situation would be that your MM comes to you saying that he's finally "done it" He's left the W, this time for good. He says the two of you should "get a little place together." As in, he's getting his own place and wants you to give up your place and move in w him.

 

Anyone ever done this...Like I said, I can only imagine the outcome of living w a man who's legally tied to another woman. One snap of her finger and you'd be stuck w double rent, having to get a roommate for a place that was never yours, you'd have lost your own place and dignity once again.

 

Im actually embarrassed to be on here asking this. My relationship w my xmm ended a long time ago. He's sort of resurfaced and has presented me with this option, saying he's ready to leave and realizes what he lost..blah blah... I don't have it in me to stand up and say something assertive, so I just haven't said anything and am putting him off.

 

I want to find it in me to be strong enough to say "Hey, don't Eff with my livelihood like that" because moving in w him would mess up my livelihood a lot.

 

So, back to my question, anyone ever try the "getting a little place" deal w their MM?

[MissBee]

I wouldn't do that.

 

I am not one who is fond of running off and living with any man in the first place. I've never done it and have seen too many women who do it and it turns out horribly. I have frequent sleepovers and sometimes I may spend majority of the time at my guy's place, but I have always maintained my own place. And if and when things end, I still have my own place and it's no big drama of disentangling lives. I think that's healthy in dating to still maintain some separation. If you've been together for a while and are committed then fine...move on in...but it boggles my mind when people have known each other or dated for less than a year and move themselves in. Maybe I'm just more independent-minded or something, but unless you are coming at me with some serious commitment, like we're engaged, I absolutely will not give up my own space to live with you. I will love on you and stay over 6 nights a week...but without a legit commitment, you won't see me moving my furniture, clothes, etc into your place or buying a place with you.

 

I would't advise anyone to move in with a MM saying he's moving out but is still married essentially...sorry it seems very foolhardy. WHY do you need to live with him? He seems to not want to be alone so wants to move from one ready-made home with a wife, to another ready-made home with a gf. Nope. Wouldn't do it...I see way more cons to doing this, and potential hurt and drama in this for you than it being a wonderful experience.

 

MM who are leaving but haven't quite divorced are still volatile and there are stories of MM leaving for a few weeks or months and up under the OW then leaves and goes back to his marriage. I wouldn't play with my heart or as you said, livelihood, like that. Give him some time to prove himself stable and for real done, and allow him to for real date you openly before you lock yourself into a lease with him!

Edited August 4, 2013 by MissBee

[SunsetRed]

THANKS MISS BEE! I'm glad to see you tonight, as we've both been on here for quite a while. I consider you to be very wise.

 

I feel like you do, I like having my own place and I truly love the place I have now. My apt, my locality and my surrounding neighbors are perfect and if I give it up, I wont get a deal like this again. Oh and my rent hasn't been raised in 7 years, so if I had to start all over again, I'd be looking at rents of $100 more a month.

 

I actually don't want to live w xMM or any man. I'm just having problems communicating assertively to him. With other men I meet who offer the lets move in deal, I am very assertive about not wanting to. I think I've gotten stuck in a pattern of being submissive and passive around xMM and so im still communicating from that point.

 

I'm going to tell him no, that's for sure, but he makes it hard because he's presenting this offer to me and is acting like the deal is already sealed and he knows what my answer will be, as in he thinks I will do this.

 

I don't need a crystal ball to see the outcome of moving in w him.

 

And actually, he pulled this on me once before a couple of years ago. same thing, he was thinking of getting a place together and was trying to find a way to make his family happy and us happy too and then boom...I hear nothing from him for 2 weeks. I looked up his daughters fb page and found out he'd taken his family, which includes the wife duh, to Las Vegas.

 

So, he is full of bs, but what I need to do is to bring out my strong, self preserving woman and speak up to him and tell him, that I have no intentions on living w anyone else's husband.

[MissBee]

THANKS MISS BEE! I'm glad to see you tonight, as we've both been on here for quite a while. I consider you to be very wise.

 

I feel like you do, I like having my own place and I truly love the place I have now. My apt, my locality and my surrounding neighbors are perfect and if I give it up, I wont get a deal like this again. Oh and my rent hasn't been raised in 7 years, so if I had to start all over again, I'd be looking at rents of $100 more a month.

 

I actually don't want to live w xMM or any man. I'm just having problems communicating assertively to him. With other men I meet who offer the lets move in deal, I am very assertive about not wanting to. I think I've gotten stuck in a pattern of being submissive and passive around xMM and so im still communicating from that point.

 

I'm going to tell him no, that's for sure, but he makes it hard because he's presenting this offer to me and is acting like the deal is already sealed and he knows what my answer will be, as in he thinks I will do this.

 

I don't need a crystal ball to see the outcome of moving in w him.

 

And actually, he pulled this on me once before a couple of years ago. same thing, he was thinking of getting a place together and was trying to find a way to make his family happy and us happy too and then boom...I hear nothing from him for 2 weeks. I looked up his daughters fb page and found out he'd taken his family, which includes the wife duh, to Las Vegas.

 

So, he is full of bs, but what I need to do is to bring out my strong, self preserving woman and speak up to him and tell him, that I have no intentions on living w anyone else's husband.

 

Glad to see you as well .

 

I totally understand you Sunset...in a good relationship you should be able to be absolutely forthright and not submissive where you just bend to his will or are scared to voice your true feelings. You should think about why is it that when it comes on to him you're not you're usual assertive, strong self.

 

I'm glad you know what's what....are you scared if you say no to him or assert yourself in this relationship he will leave forever or "punish" you emotionally?

[egalew]

More often than not they go running back to the wife. Even when the divorce papers are there are the table and all they have to do is sign.

 

Mine did.

 

Make him stand on his own two foot before any co-habitation.

 

That's my advice.

[MissBee]

More often than not they go running back to the wife. Even when the divorce papers are there are the table and all they have to do is sign.

 

Mine did.

Make him stand on his own two foot before any co-habitation.

That's my advice.

 

Yepp!

 

Do not act as his safety net or blanket.

 

Treat him as a single guy getting out of a relationship, taking you on one date then asking you to move-in together....like you'd treat it with a HELL NO! Do the same with him.

 

Once he's proven himself, is fully divorced, has adjusted to life as a new single man, and has wined, dined and treated you well and has exhibited real commitment to you, then and only then should you entertain taking the risk of living with him.

[SunsetRed]

Egalew...that happened to one of my friends..she was dating a "separated" man and his divorce ended up in court 3 times, but those papers were never signed.

 

Miss B, you are right..he does need to prove himself as all he's ever done was be inconsistent and unstable with me.

 

I know I wont back down and I wont give up my place for a man. Since Ive moved into my wonderful apt, Ive said to myself and everyone else (everyone but MM that is) that I would never leave my place unless I was evicted or married.

 

MM will never do any of those things to earn me. My life by myself is far better than any life with him.

[coffeebean201]

More often than not they go running back to the wife. Even when the divorce papers are there are the table and all they have to do is sign.

 

Mine did.

 

Make him stand on his own two foot before any co-habitation.

 

That's my advice.

 

This is really good advice. Depends on the person though.

 

Some people when they decide to get a divorce are decisive.

 

Other people use the separation period as a "cooling off" period and they never really do leave their spouse.

 

If this one has waffled in the past, then chances are he'll waffle this time, but we're just guessing here.

[Baby123]

Me and my MM counted ourselves as living together. He's older than me and more well off so paid for the place, so I can't advise you on that.

 

What I'd say is even when they have left their are so many ties with their previous life and the BS that I think even if the MM is commited to you they might go back or at the very least you will get a load of drama.

 

My advise, take things very slow with a separated man. Don't move in, if you love him, take things slow and date.

[veryhappy]

Once upon a time I probably read almost every single old thread here. Most stories where the affair partners move in together ended up exactly as you described. MM, after a shorter or longer period of time, decides he wants the wife, children, pets, the bathroom rug at home that's been discontinued, and is gone. That leaves the woman a mess. Spark is one of the BW in such a story, very confident in her husband humbly begging to come back home after a few weeks.

 

That being said...if you don't want to be a sexual sample and make him feel good just enough that he can go back to work on the marriage, ask for a complete divorce. It seems like a lot to wait, but it's not and I'd imagine it speeds things up if he's really interested in you. Playing house with a MM only sends them to the virginal, one and only, the perfect mother and woman of their life.

[Got it]

Just wondering if anyone has ever done this. I can only imagine the outcome.

 

The situation would be that your MM comes to you saying that he's finally "done it" He's left the W, this time for good. He says the two of you should "get a little place together." As in, he's getting his own place and wants you to give up your place and move in w him.

 

Anyone ever done this...Like I said, I can only imagine the outcome of living w a man who's legally tied to another woman. One snap of her finger and you'd be stuck w double rent, having to get a roommate for a place that was never yours, you'd have lost your own place and dignity once again.

 

Im actually embarrassed to be on here asking this. My relationship w my xmm ended a long time ago. He's sort of resurfaced and has presented me with this option, saying he's ready to leave and realizes what he lost..blah blah... I don't have it in me to stand up and say something assertive, so I just haven't said anything and am putting him off.

 

I want to find it in me to be strong enough to say "Hey, don't Eff with my livelihood like that" because moving in w him would mess up my livelihood a lot.

 

So, back to my question, anyone ever try the "getting a little place" deal w their MM?

 

While we did live together I did not get financial tied in with him until we married. Financial independence is very important for me. He did move in with me, I was already renting a place after a while, then we decided it would be best for him to rent his own place so he can get himself set up, a place to independently be with his kids, etc. So a family member was renting a place so he got to move in at a good deal.

 

I would advise from holding off on this. The S/D stage can be a roller coaster and you don't want to cast your ship into such choppy waters if you don't have to. Just sit tight, let him be on his own, figure out his life and emotions while divorcing, and just date.

[whichwayisup]

 

And actually, he pulled this on me once before a couple of years ago. same thing, he was thinking of getting a place together and was trying to find a way to make his family happy and us happy too and then boom...I hear nothing from him for 2 weeks. I looked up his daughters fb page and found out he'd taken his family, which includes the wife duh, to Las Vegas.

 

So, he is full of bs, but what I need to do is to bring out my strong, self preserving woman and speak up to him and tell him, that I have no intentions on living w anyone else's husband.

 

Gotta say if you don't mind. What a d*ckweasel!

 

You stay strong and stand your ground!

 

If/when he divorces, then at some point in time he can take you on a 'real date' and eventually (MAYBE) move in with you. Best he lives on his own and grows up, rids of some bad habits he's gotten used to over the years..

[sad puppy]

Don't make a move. Stay away from him until he is actually and totally divorced. Walk on, sister. Do not devalue yourself, do not upset your life to cater to him. Let him handle his situation, let him get divorced. Let the dust settle. Stay out of his mess.

 

I hate emotional cripples and if someone needs someone else waiting in the wings, in an apartment waiting for them, no less, they are an emotional cripple. Force him to make a move and handle his life on his own behalf.

 

You just take care of yourself, first and foremost. That is job number one!

[whereamigoing]

Hi all,

 

My xMM is separated and nearly divorced (in the waiting period). They don't live together, completely separate in different states, no kids, etc. We aren't together in the romantic sense but still friendly and in LC. I'm involved with someone else. If it came about that we were both single at the same time there is no way I would even consider moving in together, even if he were 100% divorced. He needs time on his own to recover from the divorce and to be single. Plus not being in an affair any longer changes the dynamic of the relationship. You have to see if your relationship can continue and grow under this new dynamic. Start dating all over again, take your time and feel things out.

Edited August 5, 2013 by whereamigoing
spelling

[So happy together]

When my bf left his marriage 7 months ago it was a priority for him to be on his own for a while. He needed to know that he could be alone, that he wasn't just jumping from one place to another. Although we were (are) together still, we don't live together.

 

Even when I move out there in the next little bit, I'll have my own place and we'll date.

 

The dynamic for us is a little different because I have kids, but even if I didn't, I would still play it the same.

 

Don't do anything rash. When someone is divorcing, it's a difficult time. Try to give yourself just enough distance that you that you aren't pulled in too much.

[cocorico]

I moved in with him. He had moved out and was in the process of D. I still had things to tie up and moved in with him after he'd been on his own with the kids for about 6 months. We lived together for another 6 months or so and then when his D was finalised, we got M.

 

I still have my own home and we live in that for part of the year; the rest of the year we live in his home. Although we both own our homes, during the D we were in rented accommodation and his xW was in his home but there was no risk of my being stuck with the rent as I would have simply moved back home if things had not worked out for us.

[MissBee]

I moved in with him. He had moved out and was in the process of D. I still had things to tie up and moved in with him after he'd been on his own with the kids for about 6 months. We lived together for another 6 months or so and then when his D was finalised, we got M.

 

I still have my own home and we live in that for part of the year; the rest of the year we live in his home. Although we both own our homes, during the D we were in rented accommodation and his xW was in his home but there was no risk of my being stuck with the rent as I would have simply moved back home if things had not worked out for us.

 

You moved into their marital home?

[Turtles]

To answer your original question, I moved in with my partner when we were both still married (I had been separated 2 months and she 1 year). She is actually still not technically divorced now though we have been living together 2 years - the original state we lived in would not grant a divorce because she was pregnant by the time they got around to schedule the hearing, and after moving we have to meet residency requirements before being able to divorce, so she won't even be able to divorce for another year. All that to say, divorce can take a long time, depending on how cooperative the ex-spouse to be is, so the "wait until they are divorced" advice seems a bit too categorical to me - it depends on the situation.

 

That being said it sounds to me like your (x?)MM is full of it.

Edited August 6, 2013 by Turtles
Accuracy

[ssmugg]

You moved into their marital home?

 

MissBee,

 

Is that a no no?

 

I'm considering that very thing in the future, but time will tell. There's little doubt that the current W will bail and head out of state and I have a much nicer house that the GF does.

 

However, now that you question it, I begin to wonder a bit.

[MissBee]

MissBee,

 

Is that a no no?

 

I'm considering that very thing in the future, but time will tell. There's little doubt that the current W will bail and head out of state and I have a much nicer house that the GF does.

 

However, now that you question it, I begin to wonder a bit.

 

I mean, it's up to you .

 

I personally wouldn't, but I'm also very particular about stuff like that and cohabiting and all...so moving into my boyfriend's marital home is about the last on my to-do list.

 

If we're starting a new life, I find moving into the place the BS called home for years, is really like dancing atop that person...although some people do like that aspect. However, for me personally I wouldn't do it as it would feel so off to me. I remember when a boyfriend of mine and I broke up, we never lived together, but I was there when he bought his house and was the only woman who'd been in it romantically. During our break up (which was supposed to be a "break') he got a different gf for like 2 months and moved her in... Then they broke up and he wanted me back...we never did get back together, but one of my stipulations was sorry he'd need to get a new mattress and I felt very uncomfortable about going to his house since he made it her home too, so when we were trying to see if we could get back together, I never did go back to his house. Now that was because we were already together before, that was like "our place", so it felt violated to me like you made this her house, and knowing that I just felt very awkward about it. Therefore I cannot imagine me moving into a home a man shared with his wife, after our affair, no less, I would be 10000 X more uncomfortable! It wouldn't even cross my mind to do it to be honest.

 

New life, new chapter, new home. That's my standard. But if you feel fine, then you feel fine.

 

Curious: why do you want to do that?

Edited August 6, 2013 by MissBee

[SunsetRed]

I think the reason many MMs would want to immediately share a place w an OW is that they need to share expenses in order to pay alimony or whatever the W needs. In my xMMs case, his W would take the shirt off his back and let him sleep on a park bench just to get every penny out of him she could.

 

He chooses to let her bleed him dry as well. Problem then is, if he gives her his half of the rent money, then im just as stuck as if he bailed on me and went back to her. AND there's also the clincher that the W wont work, so she'll be sitting in their house, driving the new vehicle he's letting her have and I'll be struggling to bear the weight of two people.

 

Such would b the life of most OWs who finally get their "man."

[Got it]

I think the reason many MMs would want to immediately share a place w an OW is that they need to share expenses in order to pay alimony or whatever the W needs. In my xMMs case, his W would take the shirt off his back and let him sleep on a park bench just to get every penny out of him she could.

 

He chooses to let her bleed him dry as well. Problem then is, if he gives her his half of the rent money, then im just as stuck as if he bailed on me and went back to her. AND there's also the clincher that the W wont work, so she'll be sitting in their house, driving the new vehicle he's letting her have and I'll be struggling to bear the weight of two people.

 

Such would b the life of most OWs who finally get their "man."

 

Sunset - right now this above is just speculation not really based on reality. While some divorces can be unequal they are usually argued out where both sides have a good give and take. While the desire by his wife may be the above, the law doesn't normally support it.

 

But it does come down to what he would capitulate on and what he wouldn't. If he wants to freely give up everything and the kitchen sink than that is is right regardless how dubious that will seem years down the road.

 

My advice, recommend he see an attorney. Many people wrap themselves up in fear and emotion when contemplating divorce and work themselves up into a lather over things that may not even be true. Facts. That is what is needed and proper legal advice to know how to proceed.