kandl Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 So hear is my story any help would be appreciated...... On the 29th of July after getting home from the best vacation ever (24 night camping trip) with my wife and 2 boys (4 and 6) my wife sat me down to talk. She told me that around a week before our trip she went to the bar and kissed someone. When I grilled her for details she told me they were flirting all night and kissed good-bye, it meant nothing and she was sorry. I asked her if there was any other contact or details and she said no. I told her I was going to have to confirm that and explained how I was going to confirm then she broke down and told me that the kiss didn't actually happen that night. She had met him the next day and went for a walk on the beach holding hands and the day after that her and her friend went stand up paddle boarding and went to his hotel after and she drove him to the airport and kissed him good-bye. She said she had instant remorse and ended all communication with him right after. I then told her I was going to get the text messages from the provider and I hoped she was telling the whole truth now. Well she wasn't, she then told me that she was really stupid and didn't know why but her last text to him (he had not been responding to her obviously just looking for a hookup while he was in town) was don't feel the need to respond but keep my number if you are ever in town. At this point I was very angry and punched a wall breaking my hand, stupid. She swore up and down there was nothing else to tell me. After leaving and going to the hospital I cam back in the morning saying I needed to confirm her story so I was going to call her friend she was confiding in and there stories better match. She then decided to tell me that she was also in a sexting relationship with a coworker that lasted about a month then she broke it off bcs he wanted to take it farther anr she let it start back up a couple of months later. Her friend confirmed told me the same story. On thursday we went to a councillor who suggested we have minimal contact over the weekend so I could cool down. On Friday I went into work and read a bunch of posts on here that helped me a ton so I went home and suggested to my in a very productive calm conversation that in order to rebuild trust we need to be totally open and honest with each other. One thing I had read was to check in all the time so that the betrayed does not have to worry about the betrayers whereabouts and what they are doing...she did not want to commit to that and she took the kids to her parents for the weekend. She called me later that night saying she read the forum and yes she would do that as she understood how important to me it was. Later in the conversation some additional details came out about the sexting that made me blow my fuse (not good). I really wanted to call and ruin the guys life (he is also married and his wife is pregnant) however she told me that if I did that she would not trust m3 to tell me any more details that come up. We ended the conversation saying the we needed to keep contact to a minimum and have the weekend apart. I then googled the sexter, to find out more about him, and the first thing that came up was his fb page. The top post on that page was a message from my wife wishing him a happy birthday the day we got back from our trip. I lost it, I called and yelled saying that she was now trying to start up communication with him again, she defended herself saying she did it as an acquaintance. I should mention the no longer work together (coincidence and on there last day together he said he was going to kiss her. She was disappointed when it did not happen). I hung up and called him telling him his life was over (meaning his life was ruined) I called his cell phone however his wife was there and got the jist of what was going on, not my intent as she is very pregnant. I fb messaged her apologizing right away and gave her my # and my wifes if she had questions. He called the cops (sh@@@ty). My wife has now broken off all communication with me (at least for the weekend not sure if more). I am hyper paranoid and understandably have some major trust issues so I have spent the day in my down the street from her parents house confirming she is not up to anything, I really want to catch her in a truth so I can start to heal. I know I have done wrong in a lot of things I have done since dday. But I don't know why she would not text me and let me know what she is doing. This whole time she has been calling me abusive (I was emotionally), I was expecting her to try to read my thoughts and do them to try to make me feel better (like throw out all the clothing she was wearing with bar guy), I was just trying to get her to do SOMETHING. I still have seen minimal effort coming from here and the one big thing she did give me (texting me her whereabouts) she has taken away..... Any thoughts as to what I can do is appropriated.
Artie Lang Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) other than "losing your ****," it seems to me you're taking the proper steps in holding these people involved accountable. your wife doesn't seem remorseful, though. she's constantly trickle-truthing you. the only reason you know what you do, is because you've been digging and she has no choice but to tell you. it seems like she wants you to rugsweep these indiscretions and move forward like nothing happened- DO NOT DO IT! don't let her manipulate the situation- "out" her before she starts bad-mouthing you to all her friends and family and makes you look like the bad guy. furthermore, this d0uchebag's wife has a right to know about this. the cops can't do anything unless you harrass them. the only thing you are doing is trying to communicate this incident to her. i suggest you Facebook her and let her in on this little secret. Edited August 4, 2013 by Artie Lang
2sunny Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 She's not intending to be honest or work on the M. She's still secretive, sneaky and communicating with other men. She's not a woman to be married to. And she's not sorry - she's just sorry she got caught. I'd file D papers since she doesn't seems to want to change herself. And please tell the OM's wife - she deserves to know what her H has been doing behind her back too.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Friend. You did nothing wrong and you did what any betrayed spouse would do, including your wife if the shoe was on the other foot. Now she gets pissed and leaves when you say your going to check up on her? She's the one who screwed up the marriage and now she wants to dictate the rules. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!! She has to understand that it was her bad behavior, bad judgement, and lack of respect for you that all this started. I would tell her that maybe she should stay at Mumsy's house and send the kids home and until she wakes up from her dream and wants to act like a respectable and honorable wife don't bother coming back. If you let her dictate the terms of her infidelity, you can bet the house that this will happen again. Again. You did nothing wrong. You punched the wall and broke your hand. That's not abuse unless your abusing yourself. If she brings that up let her know that if she knew how to behave in the proper way, it wouldn't have happened. Stick to your guns. You did the right thing by contacting the OM and his wife. Your wife is the blame for that and you let her know it because she's doing everything in her power to rug sweep this affair. Good luck.
Bryanp Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I do not see how you could possibly believe anything she is telling you since she continues to lie to you. First, it was just a kiss. Then is was walking at the beach kissing. Then it was to his hotel and just to kiss (if you believe they just kissed at his hotel then I have bridge to sell you. Then she tells him to call her when he is back in town. Now you find out she has sexting with another man behind your back as well. I seriously doubt that she has not slept with these guys. She is in serious damage control. By the way if the roles were reversed would she accept such silly stories from you and be as accepting as you have been. 1. I guarantee that there is more to the story. 2. You need her to take a polygraph since she continues to lie to you. 3. You both need to be tested for STD's. 4. You need to see an attorney to understand your options. She has been playing for a fool and clearly thinks you are an idiot and clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck. 2
Try Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) The MC that advised you to not communicate over the weekend until you calmed down is an idiot. The last thing that you let a cheater do is give them space to get their story straight with their affair partners. Also, your wife telling you not to contact the other man (OM) who was her coworker or the OM's wife or else, shows that she has no remorse, and that she does not respect you. She feels that she is in control and is the one that gets to set the terms of reconciliation ®, instead of you; she has it backwards. She even at first refused to agree to tell you about her whereabouts until she had a chance to figure out how she can get around this. The out of town OM and the coworker OM shows a pattern of a serial cheater. Plus she told you trickled truth of only what she had too, so you do not know the whole story. Wanting space + no remorse + acting entitled to set the terms of R + multiple affair partners + trickle truth = she is still in cheating mode. Edited August 5, 2013 by Try 1
aliveagain Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) By protecting OM she is choosing him over you. She agrees to be all in for the marriage or talk to a lawyer, which I advise you to do in any event. She has had several affairs by the sounds of it, each one becoming more and more physical. Going to second OM's hotel, sexting, kissing, she is taking it further each time. Was she with the same girlfriend when she met OM2 in the bar? She needs to dump any of her friends that facilitate her cheating, they are not friends of the marriage. Tell her she has one chance to tell you everything, have her write you a timeline of all her infidelities, times, places, with who and which of her friends helped her or encouraged her? She needs independent counseling before marriage counseling, she needs to get to the root of why she felt entitled to cheat, she needs to fix what is broken in her before you work on what is broken in your marriage. Her cheating is selfish and has nothing to do with you. Edited August 5, 2013 by aliveagain Spelling
ChooseTruth Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 So similar to my story. Confession but only admitting to a very small amount, the more I dug the more she had to confess. It went from 1 night to 4 months complete with hotel stays and all. If she's not doing anything...it can't last, your patience will cave eventually. Really the best thing is to file as soon as possible and protect your assets...maybe she'll come around then, but maybe that's too late. This is the same kind of advise I heard when I first ran into this....but I had to try and try until I knew I had done all I could...so while I stick to my advice, I understand It's a horrible place to be in.
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