Both engaged to respective partners.

[Estudent]

Help me. I'm still awake after an entire night of crying. These past few months I have been waking up with this feeling of sadness and tightness in my chest. They say it gets better as time passes by, but why does the feeling of sadness get worst? It has been almost a year now since our last conversation but I'm still stuck and hurting.

 

More than a year ago I went to train overseas and I left my bf back home, I met a guy in training and he pursued me, this guy also had a gf back home. We both reluctantly tried to pursue a relationship but eventually ended breaking it off. It has been a year since our last conversation when he said to me to please stop talking to him because He will already propose to his gf.

 

I am just so crippled by all this, A week before he told me to stop talking to him, He was texting me telling me that he misses me and can I please come over his city and visit him, then when I finally responded after a few days he cuts me off and told me about the proposal thing.

 

I wish I can command my heart to just bring back the feelings I have for my bf back home just so all this sadness and emptiness can just go away.

 

Help me. How can I stop this sadness. How can I get over this guy. My heart has a amind of its own.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I can understand why you're hurt. There was a push and pull effect involved. Perhaps he took your delay in responding as a bad sign, and decided to try and work things out with his girlfriend.

 

Well, there really isn't much you can do, I'm sorry to say. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve.

 

You also need to take time to sort out your feelings about your boyfriend. Do you still love him? If so, how much? Is it the right type of love, for a solid relationship to be built?

 

If you're unsure, you may need to take a break from your relationship to sort things out further. If you are certain the feelings aren't as they should be, you can either work on the relationship in the hopes that it grows and turns into something good, or let it go, before further damage is done.

 

More importantly, you may want to come clean to your boyfriend. He doesn't deserve to be deceived, and the truth would also benefit you, if the relationship isn't made to last.

 

As you were away for awhile, I'd also wonder if your boyfriend, too, engaged in a side relationship of his own.

 

It's entirely possible that he didn't; I think your honesty to him, should you choose to be honest, will tell you, one way or another. How he reacts may be key.

[Estudent]

Thank you for taking time to respond to me Rebel-Dynasty, I know that there is nothing I can do anymore, I just want this sadness to go away really You are right i probably need to just give myself more time to grieve.

 

My bf also has proposed even before I left for training but i never took it seriously as he proposed a day before I left, and our relationship has been strained for 2 years already before that but I was too weak to break up with him or leave him or not accept his proposal because I care so much about him and I don't want to hurt him despite of all the frustrations I have in our relationship. Btw we do not live together, but have been dating for almost nine years.

 

When I met this guy in training I saw in him what was lacking in my relationship. I was halfway ready to take the plunge (into a relationship) with this new guy but i still held back because he too was in a relationship with someone else and I was not sure how serious he was with me. I guess the push and pull effect was coming from both our sides. We were both cowards to pursue the relationship. We were both testing waters.

 

I want to move on already. But I can't help but think, that maybe his engagement is not real? that maybe he only proposed to his gf because I rejected him.

 

That invite he sent me to come and visit him in his city, he sent that after two months of no contact from me after i ran away to a different city because I could not take being in the situation I am in anymore. All the confusion and indecision and testing waters just got too overwhelming for me that I had to go away.

 

Naturally after two months of no contact I was reluctant to respond to him, but i did it was a huge mistake because I let him into my life again.

 

He started calling & texting me like nothing bad ever happened between the two of us, and my mistake was I acted the same way, thinking that maybe it is alright that we will be friends like this.. but it did not end there. He started reminding me of things that we used to do.. then he said it.. "i miss you" then he started saying that he just wants to see me, wants to hug me, kiss me, etc... then I gave in, told him that I feel the same way, that's when he gave the invite for us to meet, he told me to go over to his city, he wants me to stay with him. I said I will look at my sched.

 

Few days passed, I was really thinking about it, I decided what the heck just go for it! then I responded asking him when he would be free for me to come over, then that is when he responded to me to please stop talking to him anymore because he will be proposing to his gf already.

 

I was at work at that time, I was crying in the toilet the whole time and my legs were all shaky I could not breathe properly. All I could text him was, congratulations and best wishes. but after an hour of processing I just had to message him again and tell him why he needed to come back in my life only to hurt me again. In which he responded that I should never have assumed, that WE WILL NEVER BE OFFICIALLY TOGETHER SO SORRY. (( I have never felt so much pain in my heart after those words... I was ventilating... but in my pride filled heart searching for answers I responded : I only really want to be friends, as I myself am getting married this year, but I just want to ask you a question, do you really have no feelings for me anymore, just tell me, I am willing to give all of this us if you tell me so. I KNOW WHAT I SAID WAS DUMB. Dumb because I really am not getting married yet and dumb because I sounded well.. desperate (what response was I expecting!). To all that he responded, No I do not have feelings for you anymore, let go of me already, and you are getting married? That's good.

 

Needless to say that was the worst duty I had in my entire career. I don't know how I managed to function normally that night. ((((((((

 

Sorry it is sooooo long. I just needed to get that out. Thank you.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Do your bf a favor, let him go! Set him free to pursue true love. Only THEN can you grieve your loss. You aren't worthy of his proposal.

 

Sorry to be harsh, I'm being honest, unlike you (with yourself) Set HIM free. You've been "had" now own it and move on.

 

Absolutely NOWHERE in your post have you mentioned your bf's feelings = SELFISH.

 

With any luck your bf was bangin' someone else while you were in "training"

 

Catch my drift?

[JustAReformedGirl]

EStudent: I can well understand why you're in as much pain as you are. You really started to believe you could have something real with him-and then he pulled the rug from under your feet.

 

Perhaps he really no longer has feelings for you, or perhaps he lied because he wishes to move forward with his GF, and can't if he's still involved with you. Perhaps he even deceived you from the start. We can only speculate.

 

I do agree that you should probably set your boyfriend free-or at the very least, tell him the truth, and let him decide what course he wants to take.

 

I'm unclear on whether you would like to salvage your relationship or not, but I'm betting at this point, you're not clear on what you want, either.

 

I stick by what I said; take a break from your relationship to sort all of your feelings out. You can choose to tell your boyfriend immediately, after you've soul-searched, or not at all. The choice is yours. I only encourage the truth because for one, it gives your boyfriend the choice of what happens now, with the information provided; and two, because I don't think you're the type of person that wants to carry around a lie for the rest of your life.

[Darren Steez]

I can understand why you're hurt. There was a push and pull effect involved. Perhaps he took your delay in responding as a bad sign, and decided to try and work things out with his girlfriend.

 

Well, there really isn't much you can do, I'm sorry to say. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself to grieve.

 

You also need to take time to sort out your feelings about your boyfriend. Do you still love him? If so, how much? Is it the right type of love, for a solid relationship to be built?

 

If you're unsure, you may need to take a break from your relationship to sort things out further. If you are certain the feelings aren't as they should be, you can either work on the relationship in the hopes that it grows and turns into something good, or let it go, before further damage is done.

 

More importantly, you may want to come clean to your boyfriend. He doesn't deserve to be deceived, and the truth would also benefit you, if the relationship isn't made to last.

 

As you were away for awhile, I'd also wonder if your boyfriend, too, engaged in a side relationship of his own.

 

It's entirely possible that he didn't; I think your honesty to him, should you choose to be honest, will tell you, one way or another. How he reacts may be key.

Eh? Maybe he's engaged in three side relationships? Is this some sort of guilt alleviation for the OP, you cheated but hey your boyfriend might be cheating also despite no evidence? A bit unnecessary no?

[TaraMaiden]

In a nutshell;

You cannot change what this guy does.

 

you can only change what you do.

 

If you want some kind of 'artificial' help in getting feelings back for your BF - then forget it.

It's not going to happen.

we can no more twll you how to 're-love' your BF, than you can catually do it.

 

if it's not there - it's not there.

Pretence does nothing but dishonour honourable feelings.

 

 

End it with your BF.

Be single again.

Tell this guy other you're single, because you at least have been true to YOUR feelings and done the right thing.

 

If he chooses to continue with the engagement, that's his choice, his deal.

 

You, at least, will have made the right moves to move on.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Eh? Maybe he's engaged in three side relationships? Is this some sort of guilt alleviation for the OP, you cheated but hey your boyfriend might be cheating also despite no evidence? A bit unnecessary no?

 

Actually, it was nothing of the sort. She was away; anything could happen. You may have also noticed that I said it's entirely possible he didn't cheat on her at all. Just because she fell to temptation, doesn't mean he did.

 

I was merely presenting the fact she should have open communication with him on what transpired; things had been strained between OP and her boyfriend for a couple of years, and then she left.

 

Thus, OP's boyfriend may have fallen to temptation, as she did.

 

Maybe it was unnecessary to note, or maybe not. If he did wind up cheating, as she did, it doesn't alleviate her guilt; because whether her bf cheated or not, she would not have known that while she was having an affair with the other guy.

 

Just saying. I never excuse the cheating. I just like to present the possibilities.

 

Additionally, I do apologize, because my thoughts are all over the place.

[Estudent]

@ Rebel-Dynasty regarding my relationship with my boyfriend from back home, before I ran away to a different city I broke down, came clean, and broke up with my boyfriend. I told him that I met someone. That I was sorry for being so weak to voice out how I was really feeling during those two years that our relationship was on the rocks and how I did not have time to react to his proposal as he gave it a day before I left overseas. I told him that i am not going to pursue the relationship with the person I met and that I just want to be alone for some time. ( Because that is really how I felt at that time, my heart just can't feel anymore at that time that I don't want to be in a relationship because everything was so traumatic.

 

So within that two months. I was in a new city. New job. New friends. Other guy was in a different city. Bf was still back home. Me and the bf still in constant communication. He would not let me go and I could not bear to see him so broken because of me (he lost so much weight, drinking everyday, he even went to my parents home and cried, it was such a big mess! how can I pursue a relationship with someone else and be happy when someone back home is broken like that) -- I eventually agreed to start all over with him -- but I said we should take it slow this time to really FIX what went wrong with the two of us.

 

So i was living like that for two months. I was almost sure I made the right choices. Bf back home was now comforted. We celebrated our 9th year. I stalked the guy from training-- He seemed happy as well-- gf and him celebrated their 1st year.

 

So I said to myself. I made the right decisions. Everybody is happy. What ever damage that could have happened did not happen.

 

Then he broke no contact. Like I said on my previous post he started communicating in a friendly way in which I acted friendly as well because like I said that maybe we can still be friends after everything that has happened since we have both fixed our respective relationships already.

 

But he did not remain friendly, he was starting to remind me of the things we used to do, and starting saying i miss you, and giving me an invite that he wants me to come over and stay with him. In which I did not respond right away.Then when I did he cut me off.

 

I am just saying that when He cut me off it was a different sort of pain this time. It's like having an open wound that you stab over and over again, it's like i had a wound and he rubbed salt in it.

 

And ever since that conversation, which was last november I have been having episodes where I wake up with this feeling of extreme sadness in my heart =(

 

Bf and I still in a relationship.

I have never heard of the guy again (Of course, I told him I was going to get married right, so of course he will not initiate contact with me again)

 

This sadness in my heart, I deserve it I know, I just want it to end, will it ever get better in time really? Sometimes I also wonder, what if the other guy also feels the way I do? I just don't know anymore.. I just want this sadness to go away.

Edited August 4, 2013 by Estudent

[JustAReformedGirl]

No, you don't deserve the sadness in your heart. You may have made mistakes, but that hardly makes you a bad person. A bad person would have done all of these things, without a conscience. You had broken up with your boyfriend and had told him the truth about everything. It sounds like your affair with the other guy was more emotional, than physical.

 

Yes, you faltered, when you and your bf were back together, and OM contacted you again. He did re-open your wounds, when he did that. What's worse, he salted them when you actually gave him serious thought.

 

Your heart was torn; I cannot and will not blame you for that. We cannot choose who we love; all we can do is control our actions.

 

In short, yes; you made mistakes, errors in judgment. You obviously feel badly enough about all that, without anyone telling you that what you've done was "wrong and unfair".

 

I guess the real question is: Do you think you really can maintain the relationship with your boyfriend? Is the love you share with him real, the right kind of love? The kind of love that builds a foundation for a life together, one where you won't stray again?

 

Or are you only in the relationship because you don't want him to hurt anymore?

 

Furthermore, you need time to deal with the pain you're in. If you're with your boyfriend for him, and not for you-as admirable as that may be-it's the wrong reason. In the long run, it's not fair to you or him, to keep going in a relationship if your heart isn't in it.

 

Take some time to sort your feelings out. With time, the pain you feel in regard to OM will dull...ideally, anyway.

[Estudent]

As for the boyfriend back home cheating. We are already nearing our 10th year, he cheated on me back when we were on our fifth year. That is when I started to lose heart in our relationship but I sticked with him even after so many more frustrations. I never saw myself in a relationship with someone else, until I met this guy on training. Sometimes I just wish I did not meet the guy on training, or that guy never pursued me, or that I was not such a coward. Maybe this sadness in my heart is a way of my body mind and spirit punishing me for being such a coward, i don't know anymore =(

[JustAReformedGirl]

As for the boyfriend back home cheating. We are already nearing our 10th year, he cheated on me back when we were on our fifth year. That is when I started to lose heart in our relationship but I sticked with him even after so many more frustrations. I never saw myself in a relationship with someone else, until I met this guy on training. Sometimes I just wish I did not meet the guy on training, or that guy never pursued me, or that I was not such a coward. Maybe this sadness in my heart is a way of my body mind and spirit punishing me for being such a coward, i don't know anymore =(

 

I'm not excusing your cheating, but some of these unresolved issues in your relationship may have been what led to your infidelity. Between his cheating earlier in the relationship, and some of the other trials, you wound up vulnerable.

 

It shouldn't have happened, but it did; I've messed up worse, so I'm not judging you. You came clean, which counts for a lot.

 

Try not to think of it as a punishment; like I said, you're not a bad person. You're hurting because that's what happens when you fall in love with someone, who then proceeds to pull the rug out from under you.

 

You don't deserve the suffering you're going through, but it is an important life lesson. Our experiences help shape the people we are, and the people we become.

 

Try not to beat yourself up over this so much; you can't change what's done, but you can learn from it, and through that, hopefully make better choices in the future.

 

So the question is: what do you want? What do you want for yourself, and whom do you want to share that future with? OM is unavailable, so it's best to let him go. Even if he does feel as you do, he made a choice. He has to deal with that choice. If he leaves her and pursues you again, he's likely to wind up hurting you again.

 

And when he does that, if you're still with your boyfriend, he too will suffer.

 

Try to ensure you don't fall prey to a pattern with OM. You deserve better than to be jerked around by him-even if he had genuine feelings for you. If he cares, he'll stop putting you through hell, and let you live your life.

[Estudent]

Thank you Rebel-Dynasty, You don't know how much all your words mean to me. For the time being, My bf and I are fixing our relationship and hopefully he moves near to me ( I just wish he would stop pushing the marriage thing so much as I am really not ready just yet, but I am getting there). As for the other guy.. I really wish him good things in life, and I really hope he finds the happiness he is looking for.

 

Maybe the sadness I feel in my heart every morning will disappear when I start looking at the lessons I can pick up from all that has happened. Maybe good things--or better things will come after all this.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you Rebel-Dynasty, You don't know how much all your words mean to me. For the time being, My bf and I are fixing our relationship and hopefully he moves near to me ( I just wish he would stop pushing the marriage thing so much as I am really not ready just yet, but I am getting there). As for the other guy.. I really wish him good things in life, and I really hope he finds the happiness he is looking for.

 

Maybe the sadness I feel in my heart every morning will disappear when I start looking at the lessons I can pick up from all that has happened. Maybe good things--or better things will come after all this.

 

 

Not a problem, EStudent. I'm glad that you're taking the steps toward fixing your relationship. Don't be afraid to be honest with your bf about not being ready for marriage; it's not a bad thing. Make sure he understands that it isn't a reflection of you not wanting to be with him, but about wanting to make that commitment to him at the right time. Assure him that you love him, and that you want to work on the issues your relationship has faced, before taking that next step up.

 

It sounds like you're well on your way to healing. It may be a long road, but as long as you make the effort, and take the positive from your experiences, you'll be fine.

[Estudent]

@Rebel-Dynasty and all those who responded thank you.

[Estudent]

Just some thoughts that are still lingering on my mind from time to time...

 

...Sometimes I still don't know if his engagement to her is real or was just an act to spite me.

 

Why do I feel as if he is waiting for me. Why do I feel as if he is only waiting for me to reach out to him.

 

Should I reach out to him? after almost a year? That would be insane right? but what if.. what if I am making a mistake trying to fix my relationship with my bf and what if he is just doing the same with his gf? What if we are just both waiting on each other? because we are both cowards, afraid to be rejected.

 

Just playful thinking..

[Estudent]

We had earthquakes a few weeks ago, There was a call on my mobile for a local landline number from his city, I know it could be anyone but it could also be him. Everyone I know from that city already messaged me so I don't know that number. It was also a landline calling a mobile so it's very unlikely to be a random misdial. I don't know, maybe i'm just imagining things.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Did you call that landline back? Do a search for the number?

[Estudent]

I called the landline from work a few days after, some old dude answered the fone, I asked if it was a residential number or if it was a hospital or what bcause I said the number registered on my mobile. He said it was a residential number and he had no idea who would have called me from their number. So, idk.. But the number is definitely from his area as I have searched.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Just some thoughts that are still lingering on my mind from time to time...

 

...Sometimes I still don't know if his engagement to her is real or was just an act to spite me.

 

Why do I feel as if he is waiting for me. Why do I feel as if he is only waiting for me to reach out to him.

 

Should I reach out to him? after almost a year? That would be insane right? but what if.. what if I am making a mistake trying to fix my relationship with my bf and what if he is just doing the same with his gf? What if we are just both waiting on each other? because we are both cowards, afraid to be rejected.

 

Just playful thinking..

 

*Hugs* Oh hon...stop tormenting yourself this way. Stop thinking about what he's thinking and what he wants. Don't reach out to him; he's made his choice, even if the choice was the wrong one to make.

 

As to whether you're making a mistake trying to fix things with your bf...only you can know for sure.

 

Give yourself time; perhaps it's the right thing, working it out with your bf, or perhaps not. How do you feel about him? Do you feel like you're only with him for him, and not you?

 

If you're not sure, like I said...take some time to sort it out.