This guy is sexually attracted to me, but won't act on it?

[I'msolostatthemoment]

Ask him, "Are you ever going to ask me out?"

 

I'll take what you've said on board. See I find it really really hard to believe that someone might even like me. Its something that's enshrined in me at this stage

[Southern Cal Dude]

Ask him, "Are you ever going to ask me out?"

 

 

That would instantly turn me off.

[I'msolostatthemoment]

That would instantly turn me off.

 

I know for a fact that guys prefer to do the chasing, and found it a turn off if a girl makes a move. Another reason why I can;t make a move, as I know that if a guy really likes a girl enough he will make a move.

 

This guy has shown me 2 years of interest, and still nothing!

[CptSaveAho]

\

Women arent wired to straight ask a guy out unless its a friend or someone extremely safe.

 

 

I've been asked out so that throws out your theory.

 

Reiteration....

 

 

I love how she explains what I posted, and the loser guys on this forum continue to "project" make the first move, etc, etc

 

/facepalm

 

Its not going to happen... she will do the quick walk up to him, and turn around and walk away... I wonder how many of you guys have seen this happen to you and never approached her when she walked away and said "hi"

[Southern Cal Dude]

I know for a fact that guys prefer to do the chasing, and found it a turn off if a girl makes a move. Another reason why I can;t make a move, as I know that if a guy really likes a girl enough he will make a move.

 

This guy has shown me 2 years of interest, and still nothing!

 

 

No you don't know for a fact. Women pursue high status men all the time. If you were interested, you would have made a move. You are making excuse after excuse so you don't have to make a move. You are clearly interested in him, otherwise you wouldn't have created the thread. You keep beating around the bush and he's going to lose interest, if he hasn't already.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Reiteration....

 

 

I love how she explains what I posted, and the loser guys on this forum continue to "project" make the first move, etc, etc

 

/facepalm

 

Its not going to happen... she will do the quick walk up to him, and turn around and walk away... I wonder how many of you guys have seen this happen to you and never approached her when she walked away and said "hi"

 

 

Let her lose out then. Another girl who's not insecure and is confident will make a move and then she'll create another thread that he now has a girlfriend and wants our sympathy. OP deserves blame here.

[carhill]

OP, presuming none of this dynamic is cultural, one potential explanation for such a long-lived, and apparently confusing to you, interaction is that he is married or LTR. I say this with respect to the 'romance' thread currently running. He may enjoy the interactions with you just as they are; moments of pleasure and closeness without any desire to progress them into 'something'. Married romantics, IME, are exceedingly good at this. If you've met his intimates and family and can verify it to be untrue, then please disregard.

[MomsSpaghetti]

Maybe he's just shy.

 

Maybe he thinks he in the friendzone with you, due to other times in his life where girls were giving the same signals you're giving him and then it turned out they were just being friendly.

[GreatKissser]

I know for a fact that guys prefer to do the chasing' date=' and found it a turn off if a girl makes a move.[/quote']

 

That kind of depends on the guy, doesn't it? I find it irresistibly attractive when a woman has the confidence to ask me out. Of course, I have a serious weakness for strong, independent, confident women.

 

Another reason why I can;t make a move, as I know that if a guy really likes a girl enough he will make a move.

 

This guy has shown me 2 years of interest, and still nothing!

 

So, in two back-to-back sentences, you've contradicted yourself. Ask yourself two questions:

 

1. Do I like this guy?
   
2. Do I want to go out with this guy?
   

If the answer to both questions is "yes" then you have to take the bull by the horns, yourself. The question is not "how would most guys feel about that?" The question is "How will this, specific, particular, guy feel about that?" Having, myself, been in the position in which this guy is, now, he would probably be relieved and grateful that you took the initiative and he'll say, "YES!" on the spot, with no hesitation.

[Southern Cal Dude]

I agree to an extent but I also get where the OP is coming from a little bit. She has so little confidence as she said, she simply cannot believe someone is interested in her and has thus has a paralyzing fear of rejection. This has to be overcome or at least pushed though enough to mask it because you might end up passing up a good thing because you're a pussy.

 

Then again, you have to ask, what kind of guy sits around waiting for the girl to make the first move? Confidence is one thing but we're moving into 'wearing the pants' territory at that point. In my experience, a guys who basically acts like a coquet and wants the woman to aggressively pursue tend to be a problem.

 

 

It's no more of a problem than OP's insecurity and passivity. A high status man with options isn't going to pursue. He doesn't need to. But to be perfectly honest, OP's issues are going to prevent anything from happening.

[I'msolostatthemoment]

Let her lose out then. Another girl who's not insecure and is confident will make a move and then she'll create another thread that he now has a girlfriend and wants our sympathy. OP deserves blame here.

 

I find it upsetting what you have said here. You are saying I deserve the blame for someone who has chased me for a long time, gave me alot of his closeness and attention, and I am to blame?

 

I'm upset by this, I almost feel like crying here about the whole thing. Do you honestly think if I had the confidence to be able to say something to him or do something that I would have, as I like him that much.

 

Just because my confidence with guys in really bad, should not entitle you to hit out at the most thing I am afraid of doing, just because of my confidence problems with guys.

 

I wish he would say or do something because I have absolutely no confidence with an issue like this. I have been really badly hurt in the past by guys, and rejected, and I have no idea how to move past that. So please don't attack my self esteem when I already feel bad enough about it. Not everyone has confidence like that, and I am one of those people unfortunately.

[GreatKissser]

I agree to an extent but I also get where the OP is coming from a little bit. She has so little confidence as she said, she simply cannot believe someone is interested in her and has thus has a paralyzing fear of rejection. This has to be overcome or at least pushed though enough to mask it because you might end up passing up a good thing because you're a pussy.

 

Then again, you have to ask, what kind of guy sits around waiting for the girl to make the first move? Confidence is one thing but we're moving into 'wearing the pants' territory at that point. In my experience, a guys who basically acts like a coquet (sic) and wants the woman to aggressively pursue tend to be a problem.

 

I agree... to an extent. In my experience, women who lack self confidence tend to be a problem, as well... co-dependent, smothering, oh-I-can't-do-anything-without-you girls who rack up frequent stalker miles like candy canes at Christmas...

 

This is either the perfect match (neither of them has the confidence to manipulate and control the other) or a match designed in hell (neither of them has the confidence to actually DO anything).

[Southern Cal Dude]

I find it upsetting what you have said here. You are saying I deserve the blame for someone who has chased me for a long time, gave me alot of his closeness and attention, and I am to blame?

 

I'm upset by this, I almost feel like crying here about the whole thing. Do you honestly think if I had the confidence to be able to say something to him or do something that I would have, as I like him that much.

 

Just because my confidence with guys in really bad, should not entitle you to hit out at the most thing I am afraid of doing, just because of my confidence problems with guys.

 

I wish he would say or do something because I have absolutely no confidence with an issue like this. I have been really badly hurt in the past by guys, and rejected, and I have no idea how to move past that. So please don't attack my self esteem when I already feel bad enough about it. Not everyone has confidence like that, and I am one of those people unfortunately.

 

 

You've been given good advice. You've chosen to use excuse after excuse and dismiss any solid advice. You need to work on your issues because even if he did ask you out, it wouldn't work out.

 

To sum it up, no you are not completely innocent.

[HiddenUser]

I don't understand. You guys have been interacting for two years, haven't you become really comfortable around one another? If he has enough confidence to hug you, to kiss your cheek, to tell you he likes you, etc. but won't ask you out, what kind of signals have you been sending back? What in the world did you say when he told you he likes you?

 

Jim: "I really like you, Martha."

Martha: "Thanks, Jim."

 

Come out of your shell a bit! Being friendly does not equate to sending romantic signals. That's one of the biggest problems guys have with dating, especially those with confidence issues. I see it spring up time and time again. "I don't know if she's flirting or just being really friendly..." Hell, I wanted to date an ex-coworker of mine but I just couldn't figure out if all her interactions with me were based on being really friendly or being romantic.

 

You seem to know that he really likes you, so what's the issue with asking him? I understand that you've been shot down and hurt in the past, but you can't let that fear hold you back, girl! Make a move! At least you'll stop torturing yourself if he says no, which by the sounds of it, he won't.

[GreatKissser]

I find it upsetting what you have said here. You are saying I deserve the blame for someone who has chased me for a long time, gave me alot of his closeness and attention, and I am to blame?

 

I'm upset by this, I almost feel like crying here about the whole thing. Do you honestly think if I had the confidence to be able to say something to him or do something that I would have, as I like him that much.

 

Just because my confidence with guys in really bad, should not entitle you to hit out at the most thing I am afraid of doing, just because of my confidence problems with guys.

 

I wish he would say or do something because I have absolutely no confidence with an issue like this. I have been really badly hurt in the past by guys, and rejected, and I have no idea how to move past that. So please don't attack my self esteem when I already feel bad enough about it. Not everyone has confidence like that, and I am one of those people unfortunately.

 

I used to be just like you... badly hurt and afraid to allow myself to be vulnerable for fear of being hurt again. You're not alone. The Bottom Line is this: You have to be comfortable with yourself, by yourself, before you'll ever be a good partner for someone else.

 

The best relationships aren't one person being the dominant one and one, in effect, merging him/herself with the dominant one. The best relationships are where two people come together, as a team. Both parties bring strengths and weaknesses... fortes and foibles, as my grandmother would have said... the strengths of one compensate for the weaknesses of the other, and vice versa.

 

You can't look for a guy (or girl) to "complete" you... look for a guy (or girl) to enhance you (if you perceive the distinction I am making).

[HiddenUser]

I couldn't edit my original post, but I was going to add that your insistence that he is attracted is a mix of backwards rationalization, wishful thinking and projection.

 

You are wasting your time trying to convince people that your delusion is accurate and wasting even more time holding out hope that this guy will eventually sweep you off your feet.

 

Your thread should be re-titled: "Guy refuses to tell me he's not interested, yet I delude myself into believing that he is. Will you give me some false hope?'

 

I see your point and I agree that she needs to make some changes, but let's not make her feel any worse about this than she already does. I think she's being genuine albeit a little combative.

Edited August 4, 2013 by HiddenUser

[I'msolostatthemoment]

I don't understand. You guys have been interacting for two years, haven't you become really comfortable around one another? If he has enough confidence to hug you, to kiss your cheek, to tell you he likes you, etc. but won't ask you out, what kind of signals have you been sending back? What in the world did you say when he told you he likes you?

 

Jim: "I really like you, Martha."

Martha: "Thanks, Jim."

 

Come out of your shell a bit! Being friendly does not equate to sending romantic signals. That's one of the biggest problems guys have with dating, especially those with confidence issues. I see it spring up time and time again. "I don't know if she's flirting or just being really friendly..." Hell, I wanted to date an ex-coworker of mine but I just couldn't figure out if all her interactions with me were based on being really friendly or being romantic.

 

You seem to know that he really likes you, so what's the issue with asking him? I understand that you've been shot down and hurt in the past, but you can't let that fear hold you back, girl! Make a move! At least you'll stop torturing yourself if he says no, which by the sounds of it, he won't.

 

Ya he told me to my face that he likes me. When he said that to me, I went into shock, and just couldn't believe that he said that to me. My mouth actually dropped, and I mumbled something out of my mouth that made no sense as I was in shock that he said that to me.

 

He said it to me out of the blue, and really caught me off guard and that was my natural reaction. Even if he came along tomorrow, and said to my face again, I would probably go into shock again.

 

Anything else in life I can deal with no problem. I have no problem standing up for myself, or talking in front of thousands of people, but when it comes to someone I really like, its like I shut down, and its a really bad problem I have.

 

Is anyone else as bad as me when it comes to guys?

[I'msolostatthemoment]

I see your point and I agree that she needs to make some changes, but let's not make her feel any worse about this than she already does. I think she's being genuine albeit a little combative.

 

I'm really sorry if you thought I seemed combative. I was not intending to at all, I'm sorry if you perceived it that way, indeed the same for all of you. I'm just confused, and feel crap in my self about the whole situation.

 

I do need to try and sort out my confidence. I didn't get to know my father until a few years ago, and a mother who put me down and told me I was a failure, and has and continues to tell me how useless I am, and am wasting my life.

 

Being told that all your life, it starts to stick after a while, and then I've been hurt by guys too, so that's how I am myself. I'm a genuinely nice person, and I'm sorry to you or anyone if you thought I was being a bit hostile in anyway

[Southern Cal Dude]

So, you're saying a "high status man" waits for women to come to him? I see. Is this some kind of PUA thing?

 

 

Some of you whiners automatically cry "PUA!" "PUA!" when you hear something you don't like. Do you even know what a PUA is?

[GreatKissser]

Some of you whiners automatically cry "PUA!" "PUA!" when you hear something you don't like. Do you even know what a PUA is?

 

It's Hawaiian for "flower."

[HiddenUser]

Ya he told me to my face that he likes me. When he said that to me, I went into shock, and just couldn't believe that he said that to me. My mouth actually dropped, and I mumbled something out of my mouth that made no sense as I was in shock that he said that to me.

 

He said it to me out of the blue, and really caught me off guard and that was my natural reaction. Even if he came along tomorrow, and said to my face again, I would probably go into shock again.

 

Anything else in life I can deal with no problem. I have no problem standing up for myself, or talking in front of thousands of people, but when it comes to someone I really like, its like I shut down, and its a really bad problem I have.

 

Is anyone else as bad as me when it comes to guys?

 

Well, there's your problem. He's not asking because you're not responding. Improve yourself and you'll see wonders starting to work. Until then, you can ask questions, make excuses and post on the forum all you'd like, but none of your aspirations will come to fruition. It might even be too late. There are way too many fish in the sea to be spending two years chasing someone who hasn't budged. The reason he probably doesn't want to ask? Because you're likely sending the signal of "just being friendly," and if you said no, he'd hate to come to work every day feeling awkward. You have literally given him nothing at all to indicate you want a date.

 

Nobody here can give you the recipe for a love potion or a spell to make him fall in love with you. You aren't going to find the answer you like on this forum. Unfortunately, the only way this is going to work is to improve your signals or to flat out ask him yourself. That's it.

 

It's like being fat. You can whine and moan about how good chips taste and how there has to be another way to lose weight aside from changes in diet because you're just that bad with food, but you will always be fat until you make the change.

 

------

 

I understand that you were abused and how hard it is to get over because I was abused just as well. I was told I was fat, had a stupid name and had looks that would piss people off for no reason. That **** affected me, but I've chosen to make changes in my life. Stop making excuses for why you can't. You have the power to write your own script... YOU have the power to be the author of YOUR life. You can wait for the next five years for him to ask you, but I'm afraid you'd only be wasting your time.

[I'msolostatthemoment]

Well, there's your problem. He's not asking because you're not responding. Improve yourself and you'll see wonders starting to work. Until then, you can ask questions, make excuses and post on the forum all you'd like, but none of your aspirations will come to fruition. It might even be too late. There are way too many fish in the sea to be spending two years chasing someone who hasn't budged. The reason he probably doesn't want to ask? Because you're likely sending the signal of "just being friendly," and if you said no, he'd hate to come to work every day feeling awkward. You have literally given him nothing at all to indicate you want a date.

 

Nobody here can give you the recipe for a love potion or a spell to make him fall in love with you. You aren't going to find the answer you like on this forum. Unfortunately, the only way this is going to work is to improve your signals or to flat out ask him yourself. That's it.

 

It's like being fat. You can whine and moan about how good chips taste and how there has to be another way to lose weight aside from changes in diet because you're just that bad with food, but you will always be fat until you make the change.

 

------

 

I understand that you were abused and how hard it is to get over because I was abused just as well. I was told I was fat, had a stupid name and had looks that would piss people off for no reason. That **** affected me, but I've chosen to make changes in my life. Stop making excuses for why you can't. You have the power to write your own script... YOU have the power to be the author of YOUR life. You can wait for the next five years for him to ask you, but I'm afraid you'd only be wasting your time.

 

What you have said here makes alot of sense to me. Anytime he asked me for a hug or kissed me on my cheek, I just froze, got really really shy, and usually looked at the ground. It was just how I reacted, as I guess in me, I couldn't believe that someone so nice and kind would actually take an interest in someone like me, as its rare that a man does because I am painfully shy. I am not using that as an excuse and I am certainly not looking for pity or sympathy from anyone, its just who I am. I like him so very much, and he means alot to me, and the most I could ever do was tell him how kind, and considerate he was to me, and if he hugged me I hugged him back and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He initiated everything, and when I did, I did the same as what he said or did to me. I just never got to tell him how much I like him.

The other day, he asked to look at the new ring I bought. I held out my hand and he held my hand/my fingers for a good 20 seconds or so, I was again taken by this, and was too afraid to hold his hand back or feel his hand or fingers, in case I took it up wrong. This is what happens to me every time he says or does something. I feel so sad and upset about the entire thing, as I like him so much. I really wish I wasn't like this, and I could show him how much I like him

[HiddenUser]

What you have said here makes alot of sense to me. Anytime he asked me for a hug or kissed me on my cheek, I just froze, got really really shy, and usually looked at the ground. It was just how I reacted, as I guess in me, I couldn't believe that someone so nice and kind would actually take an interest in someone like me, as its rare that a man does because I am painfully shy. I am not using that as an excuse and I am certainly not looking for pity or sympathy from anyone, its just who I am. I like him so very much, and he means alot to me, and the most I could ever do was tell him how kind, and considerate he was to me, and if he hugged me I hugged him back and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He initiated everything, and when I did, I did the same as what he said or did to me. I just never got to tell him how much I like him.

The other day, he asked to look at the new ring I bought. I held out my hand and he held my hand/my fingers for a good 20 seconds or so, I was again taken by this, and was too afraid to hold his hand back or feel his hand or fingers, in case I took it up wrong. This is what happens to me every time he says or does something. I feel so sad and upset about the entire thing, as I like him so much. I really wish I wasn't like this, and I could show him how much I like him

 

So you realize this is just as much you as it is him. GOOD! Make the change today to have a better future! YOU CAN DO THIS! Don't let your fears hold you back or you will live your life regretting it, believe me! I have made mistakes in my life that I wish I could go back to change. I have let people go that I shouldn't have. It sucks. Tell him before it really is too late!

[I'msolostatthemoment]

So you realize this is just as much you as it is him. GOOD! Make the change today to have a better future! YOU CAN DO THIS! Don't let your fears hold you back or you will live your life regretting it, believe me! I have made mistakes in my life that I wish I could go back to change. I have let people go that I shouldn't have. It sucks. Tell him before it really is too late!

 

Thank you so much HiddenUser. I wonder could I please send you a private message, if it would be ok with you? I would be really grateful

[HiddenUser]

Thank you so much HiddenUser. I wonder could I please send you a private message' date=' if it would be ok with you? I would be really grateful[/quote']

 

I'm not sure I can get private messages, but if I can, sure. I'd be happy to discuss ideas with you.