Where's the Earth-Shattering Kaboom?

[Crossover]

Okay, so some of you might be familiar with my story. If not, you can peruse it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/402811-how-cliche-can-get

 

Oh hell, where to start?

 

Well, it took me longer than I thought, but I finally told my H the truth.

 

He knows about the affair, from start to finish. Prior to knowing about it, he knew of my feelings for AP, and we have talked, many, many times about our imminent divorce. Most of those conversations didn't result in a perceivable emotional response from him. A few resulted in tears for him and I both, but mostly, he was very matter-of-fact. He would tell me he loved me, explain he doesn't want me to leave. Sometimes, he'd express hurt and anger, along with understanding of my feelings.

 

But again, for the most part? Our talks revolved around the logical conclusion of what would occur, once I fully decide on this course.

 

Now that he knows about the affair? No response. Nothing. He's acting the exact same way he did before me telling him.

 

What. The. Hell???

 

I think the worst part is: if I ultimately were to decide not to get a divorce, he would be fine with me staying.

 

Again, what the hell? What is going through his freaking head?!

 

Even without knowing about the affair, how could he ever be okay with me staying with him, just because my other option might not be available (that is hypothetical).

 

Add the fact that he now knows the whole truth, I can understand his standpoint even less.

 

Can someone please shed light on this? Honestly, I expected him to galvanize divorce proceedings, what with the affair coming to light. I would not be okay with sticking around, if my AP became unavailable. I still intend on going through with divorce.

 

Why on earth isn't H grasping this? Is there anyway I can make him understand, and respect himself enough, to let me go?

 

I'm given to wonder if he's only dealing with this because maybe he's in the denial stage, or if it has something to do with our daughter.

 

He tells me he wants me to be happy; well, I'll be happy when I let him go, because he deserves better than I have given him as of late, and because I deserve to stop living this falsehood. If he really wants me to be happy, why is he being so apathetic about all of this?

 

I just can't wrap my head around this.

 

He's in shock that the woman he thought he could trust cheated on him. Soon his anger will come out and you will be in a world of trouble. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

It seems like you might be a little conflicted about your decision, and maybe you are dragging this out and dwelling a little too much on this. If so, it's not fair to him. A clean break is best. One of you moves out, move forward with your lives, stop discussing each other's "feelings." Staying friends rarely works, and it especially doesn't work for the betrayed spouse or the spouse who is being dumped even without infidelity.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Maybe his reaction was anti-climatic because he already knew. And he did.

 

In any case, I do not think you realize how cold and heartless you have become.

 

And what exactly, supports your theory of me being heartless? If I was heartless, I wouldn't have come clean.

 

You question and mull over the 'lost' feelings for your husband while

sleeping with another man. You sabotaged your own plan, played both ends against

the middle (where you claim to be) and bitch about the results.

 

I'm not bitching; I was merely disconcerted by his lack of reaction, and was looking for insight on the matter. Given the fact that I figured it would go much worse, is it not understandable that I might have some questions?

 

Divorce him already. Put it out of its misery.

 

That's the plan, Steadfast.

 

He's in shock that the woman he thought he could trust cheated on him. Soon his anger will come out and you will be in a world of trouble. You should be ashamed of yourself.

 

I think it's already been ascertained that I am. If I wasn't ashamed, I wouldn't have ended the affair, nor finally found the courage to tell the truth. I didn't wait for him to find out; I came clean. I took the reins, here.

 

It seems like you might be a little conflicted about your decision, and maybe you are dragging this out and dwelling a little too much on this. If so, it's not fair to him. A clean break is best. One of you moves out, move forward with your lives, stop discussing each other's "feelings." Staying friends rarely works, and it especially doesn't work for the betrayed spouse or the spouse who is being dumped even without infidelity.

 

Not conflicted; the divorce needs to happen, for all of us. I do tend to dwell on things too much, but that's true in all areas of my life. I know it's not fair to him. I want this to end as soon as humanly possible. The longer it goes on, the more pain it causes us both, and our daughter.

 

I'm not looking to be friends; even without the A, I'm not sure we could be. But, for our daughter, we do have to maintain a level of civility.

 

I'll get back to you all soon. I'm thinking you're right, Mickey. I can't wait for him to come to terms with this, or whatever it is he's doing. I need to galvanize the changes. If I let him decide, it will probably only drag out longer. And he deserves better than that.

[road]

There is no normal response to finding out your WW had an affair. There is a normal range of responses from hardly any outward response to murder. Thank god the second extreme very rarely happens.

 

Your BH falls into the bottom end of the response range. However some BH at the six month mark hit what is known as the anger phase. Some does not mean all and your BH may not have an anger phase.

 

As to why maybe your BH does not care if leave him.

 

Then he wants things to stay the way they are between the two of you. Whether the BH was happy or not in the marriage they did not have an affair. So that indicates they do not want to divorce.

 

Do you know that 78% of marriages survive an affair?

 

Then your BH was a WH first. Whether he plowed the OW ten times that night or he passed out before he hit the mattress does not matter. He woke up in another woman's bed.

 

Many a WH after finding out that their WW had an affair and now a BH take their WW affair in stride because they can not call the pot black.

[Artie Lang]

I think the apathy is making me crazy.

 

i've heard it be said that "no reaction at all, is worse than 'losing your sh*t.'" at least when someone "loses it," you know there is some semblance of emotion.

 

 

i think you summed it up pretty well how you described your entire relationship..... just plain FLAT.

 

i don't see why you would even consider staying in such a relationship. you've given him the heads-up, now it's time for action.

[JustAReformedGirl]

i've heard it be said that "no reaction at all, is worse than 'losing your sh*t.'" at least when someone "loses it," you know there is some semblance of emotion.

 

 

i think you summed it up pretty well how you described your entire relationship..... just plain FLAT.

 

i don't see why you would even consider staying in such a relationship. you've given him the heads-up, now it's time for action.

 

Despite that, I don't blame him for what I've done. The problems in our relationship are owned by us both.

 

You are right of course, though; it is time to take action.

 

As I said, I promise to keep everyone updated, as the events unfold.

 

Thanks for your input, Artie.

[JustAReformedGirl]

You couldn't be more wrong, Cork. I'm not disappointed, and when I say explosive, I don't mean violent. I thought there might be more of an emotional reaction, based on what I know about him-which is considerably a lot more than you, since I've been with him for more than eight years.

 

No, I'm not upset that I didn't get a "rise" out of him. If anything, I'm worried about how he's feeling, if he's feeling anything right now. I was merely looking for input on whether his reaction could be considered normal. I know everyone reacts in their own way-I figured there might be at least one person who would know if his reaction was one of many typical reactions, or not.

 

Take your assuming ass out of my thread; you're not offering insight, or anything remotely close to it. You're just looking to pick a fight, because that's what you feel entitled to. The only one who has the right to rake me over the coals is my husband; no one else has that right. No one.

 

Get off your high horse; you don't know me, and you never will.

 

Mods, please feel free to close this thread. It's served it's purpose. When I have an update, a new thread will be created.

 

Thank you for the many various insights I've received from everyone else. You will hear from me again in the near future.

[road]

Cork, are you a BH?

 

I ask because you have no idea why a BH responds to dday. I have been on infidelity forums for a long time. I have yet seen a BH stay calm as a strategy for the up coming divorce proceedings.

 

A lack of outward response is not any indication of legal strategy on the BH part. Many a WW hear that BH can do many things. Get angry, call their WW a hoe, bee itch, and other wonderful pet names. That the BH goes and fights the OM. Grills the WW with never ending questions about the OM and the affair.

 

Because a BH can does not mean that all BH respond in those manners.

 

The WW forgets that important word "CAN" does not mean they all do these things to the same level.

 

Many a WW have posted about the lack of response from their BH on dday. This WW concern is nothing new or unusual.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Cork, are you a BH?

 

I ask because you have no idea why a BH responds to dday. I have been on infidelity forums for a long time. I have yet seen a BH stay calm as a strategy for the up coming divorce proceedings.

 

A lack of outward response is not any indication of legal strategy on the BH part. Many a WW hear that BH can do many things. Get angry, call their WW a hoe, bee itch, and other wonderful pet names. That the BH goes and fights the OM. Grills the WW with never ending questions about the OM and the affair.

 

Because a BH can does not mean that all BH respond in those manners.

 

The WW forgets that important word "CAN" does not mean they all do these things to the same level.

 

Many a WW have posted about the lack of response from their BH on dday. This WW concern is nothing new or unusual.

 

Thank you, Road.

 

Cork,: I did some stupid things, yes. I won't deny that, I won't try to justify that. The reason I'm set on divorce, even if H would want reconciliation, is because I feel he deserves better than to be stuck with me. The fact that he tells me he's still lucky to have me is making me sick to my stomach. Maybe explosive was a poor choice of words. But I do know him better than you; he's not avoiding his feelings to "spite" me. Just because I ****ed up royally, doesn't mean I don't care how my decision impacted him. If you believe that, that's your call, but it doesn't make your opinion fact.

 

Even if I wanted to stay in the marriage at this point, I don't feel I have a right to.

 

I can't even post about what's occurred since my last update. Between what's going on between H and I, and other things...

 

Let's just say I've had enough. I hate myself, I hate everything I've become, and no, I'm not the victim. This pain is self-inflicted, I know that.

 

I'm not generally the dramatic type. I avoid it at all costs...so when I find myself immersed in it, I am at a loss for what I'm supposed to do.

 

But you don't know me, and you don't owe me anything. All I ask is that you back off, if you don't have anything constructive to say.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

She even admitted that she has repeatedly poked and prodded him about his non-reaction and his non-feelings. She keeps picking away at him because until he explodes at her she won't have what she needs for her tactical purposes.

 

I didn't say I "poked and prodded him" about his lack of reaction. Not in regards to the affair coming to light. In earlier discussions of our relationship, I tried to figure out what was going on. The reason I would do so was because after awhile, he would admit that something was bothering him-about whatever it was at the time.

 

All you're doing is twisting my words, to make me sound like some sort of attention-mongering whore.

 

I'm not. For christ' sakes, would you just let it go, already?

[JustAReformedGirl]

You know what, Cork? Go blow smoke somewhere else. All you've succeeded in doing is twisting the entire effing story. I was not "dumped" by my AP. We mutually agreed to end the affair, because I couldn't deal with it anymore as things stand, and he had his own issues to deal with.

 

I'm not going to bother responding to all of the drivel you've written, since you so obviously haven't actually read all of my OP, and because you are hell-bent on making assumptions about me.

 

Nothing you've said is even remotely necessary. I already admitted "explosive" may have been a poor choice of words. I wasn't hoping for it; I was worried that he would react as such, because typically, you're told to "expect the unexpected" in these cases.

 

Again, go away. If you were offering constructive criticism, I wouldn't have a damn problem; the fact of it is, you're not.

 

Go piss someone else off. I am done with this.

[road]

Thank you, Road.

 

The reason I'm set on divorce, even if H would want reconciliation, is because I feel he deserves better than to be stuck with me. The fact that he tells me he's still lucky to have me

 

Even if I wanted to stay in the marriage at this point, I don't feel I have a right to.

 

 

Normal for a BH to want to stay with his WW. Many BH do. He only has two choices.

 

To use the line he deserves better is just you throwing a pity party, or you justifying going for a divorce. Or both.

 

You can recover your marriage and have a better marriage post dday then you had before your affair.

 

At least get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Even if you do not recover this book will help you and your BH heal.

[road]

Not really. I've been cheated on in previous relationships though. I'm not sure my personal experiences are particularly relevant to this thread.

 

 

 

 

I agree with you. But, the question from the OP was wondering why her husband failed to act "explosively" when she finally disclosed her affair. This is a situation when OP controlled the timing of her disclosure.

 

Originally she didn't know whether she was ever going to tell her husband. She clearly didn't want anyone else to know. Apparently she is no longer with her AP either. She has painted herself into a corner now. She will end up from this a single mom of a small child whose marriage failed because she cheated on her husband and got dumped by her AP.

 

Why should it be a huge mystery to the OP, who claims she knows her husband very well, that a BH might react to such a confession with a totally numb attitude? That seems perfectly natural doesn't it? But that just isn't acceptable to her because his non-reaction doesn't fit in with her agenda.

 

 

She was invested in him being "explosive." He wasn't. Therefore her confession was for nothing. The only ace in the hole she had was to do something to make her husband act out so she could make him the bad guy in the divorce. She believed the confession would result in a crazed vindictive reaction (probably because she misperceives her actual value to her husband). It didn't work and she's very unhappy about that.

 

She obviously couldn't care less about her husband's feelings. She's basically treated her husband like a piece of dirt through all this. So no she doesn't care about his feelings. She's not curious about his reaction because of a genuine concern for how he feels. She's just trying to figure out how she miscalculated in her effort to manipulate his reaction by making her disclosure when she did. She's ticked off because now that's she's confessed the affair, she's lost her AP, she's committed herself to divorcing, she has no cards left to play. She's getting desperate because her little fantasy of latching onto the AP and adroitly dumping her husband with no visible seams has failed miserably. Her last chance to gain back any sort of tactical advantage was doing something to get her husband "explosively" angry so he would do something stupid and she could play the victim. Just like she continues to do on this thread when these things are pointed out to her. But it didn't work. I think he's playing it smart but you may be right, maybe he's just numb. So what? She doesn't care about his feelings either way. Remember? She's the person who cheated on him, lied to him, and plans on divorcing him with no hope of reconciliation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe not, but OP's expectation of him "exploding" in response to her disclosure certainly sounds as if it was intended to be a tactic on OP's part. SHE'S the one who is planning divorce. SHE's the one who kept her affair hidden all this time. SHE'S the manipulator as between the two of them. Or at least thinks she is.

 

 

 

 

You're absolutely correct. That's precisely the point. The reaction you described is exactly what OP intended to elicit from her husband when she confessed her cheating yesterday. Or possibly even worse, an "explosive" i.e. violent reaction. Then she can call the police, get a protective order, kick him out of the house, and play the victim. He is the cruel abusive unreasonable husband. She cheated because he is such a monster. She is just an innocent victim. But it did. not. work. Too bad for OP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's not even thread-worthy is it? So why did OP post? Is she really that flabbergasted that her husband didn't react explosively or negatively? No. She just has no moves left to play. The deck is played out and she is flailing now. She stated elsewhere that divorce will be a financial catastrophe for them. Not such a big problem if she still has her AP and she can pin the blame for the divorce on her violent husband. But the AP and her have split up. So the only strategy for her realistically is to come crawling back on her knees to her husband which she doesn't want to do--or find another sucker/AP who would actually want to take on the burden of a serial cheating divorced wife with a young child. Is it really that likely she's going to have many takers? Obviously her AP was interested in her only as long as it was purely sexual. As soon as her AP realized she was actually serious about getting a divorce he headed for the hills.

 

 

 

 

The difference is in most cases the WW wants the betrayed husband to keep calm, keep their mouth shut, and continue to act like a doormat to such revelations. In this case OP expected and wanted her husband to act badly as his response. But he didn't.

 

 

 

 

Most of them are pleased by the non-response. They are not looking for "trouble" or conflict when they make such a confession--they are afraid of it.

 

OP was expecting it, she wanted it. She wanted her husband to explode.

 

She even admitted that she has repeatedly poked and prodded him about his non-reaction and his non-feelings. She keeps picking away at him because until he explodes at her she won't have what she needs for her tactical purposes.

 

 

A lack of response?

 

I have yet too see a WW that was happy that her BH had no or very little response to dday.

 

If you are on an infidelity forum and not have been a BS or a WS you do not have the first hand experience. Or gained the knowledge to be giving advice. Your statements show that you lack a lot of knowledge about infidelity and affairs.

 

It took courage for this WW as with any WW to come forward and confess to their affair to their BH. This is the first step to moving forward. She needs direction to move forward.

 

Attacking her is not to be confused with helping her.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Normal for a BH to want to stay with his WW. Many BH do. He only has two choices.

 

To use the line he deserves better is just you throwing a pity party, or you justifying going for a divorce. Or both.

 

You can recover your marriage and have a better marriage post dday then you had before your affair.

 

At least get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Even if you do not recover this book will help you and your BH heal.

 

 

Doesn't he deserve better? If I wanted to drown in self-pity (which I don't) I could draw from so many other aspects of my life. The way I see it, the divorce would be like saving him from further pain.

 

Let's face it, I already pointed this out; the affair isn't where the problems began. I was already going through the motions.

 

I suppose there's a chance the relationship could be salvaged-affair or no affair-but wouldn't it be better for both him and I if we didn't keep trying to hold on what's already been lost?

 

At this point, I don't even know what I want anymore. The divorce isn't a means to get what I want with AP. For all I know, that could go up in flames.

 

I don't know. I'll look into the book you mentioned. Seems to be a popular one around LS.

 

So at this point, I have no idea what direction things will go. I can't even say D will happen for certain, as I once thought. I can't think straight right now.

 

I'll let you know how it goes...whenever that happens.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Road, I thank you for defending me, but it's not necessary.

 

I'm no longer bothering with his brand of assh*le. Why I can't find the damn ignore button in regard to him is beyond me.

 

So, I've opted to ignore his attention-seeking ass of my own volition, and I encourage you to do the same.

 

I've gotten all I can out of this thread, anyway. There's nothing more that I can be told; the rest is up to me and H to decide.

 

Once again, I thank everyone who had something insightful and constructive to say.

 

This topic has run its course. I will no longer be responding to anyone else.

 

Thank you.

[Coolit]

RD, don't let what Cork has posted bother you. He/she just joined today and has been quite confrontational in most of his/her posts.

 

I, too, was surprised by my H's response. He was as well.

 

I, too, felt my husband could do better than me. He is young, handsome, two adorable children that are at an adaptable age and just the right amount of baggage to bring the women rushing to him. But he wants me and I owe it to him to get keep goin even when things are rough. And honestly, we had a very good marriage before my delve into debauchary. And all things considered we still do.

[AbeNormal]

RD, don't let what Cork has posted bother you. He/she just joined today and has been quite confrontational in most of his/her posts.

 

I, too, was surprised by my H's response. He was as well.

 

I, too, felt my husband could do better than me. He is young, handsome, two adorable children that are at an adaptable age and just the right amount of baggage to bring the women rushing to him. But he wants me and I owe it to him to get keep goin even when things are rough. And honestly, we had a very good marriage before my delve into debauchary. And all things considered we still do.

 

My guess is that Cork joined the site a number of years ago - and has used various/numerous usernames in between (attempting to preserve two of them as his primary usernames - not worrying if the others get banned - although I haven't seen one of those primary usernames lately. Perhaps it is temporarily banned, either by a moderator or someone in Cork's life... Don't know.)

 

Take what is worthwhile (or thought provoking) - if anything - and leave the rest. No need to allow it to intrude emotionally. (By the way, this comment is directed to the OP).

Edited August 5, 2013 by AbeNormal

[Confused48]

Holy cow rebel D! I can't believe this crap that is thrown at you. I'm not on here much anymore but Cork should put a cork in it. Sorry you have had to take this total bull ****. No pulling punches here. Cork is off his rocker.

[William]

Moderation will get this back on track. However, after a long hard Sunday of work, I'm not going to do it right now, so will close the thread so no more violations occur which cause members to be moderated or banned. Back in awhile.