Where's the Earth-Shattering Kaboom?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Okay, so some of you might be familiar with my story. If not, you can peruse it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/402811-how-cliche-can-get

 

Oh hell, where to start?

 

Well, it took me longer than I thought, but I finally told my H the truth.

 

He knows about the affair, from start to finish. Prior to knowing about it, he knew of my feelings for AP, and we have talked, many, many times about our imminent divorce. Most of those conversations didn't result in a perceivable emotional response from him. A few resulted in tears for him and I both, but mostly, he was very matter-of-fact. He would tell me he loved me, explain he doesn't want me to leave. Sometimes, he'd express hurt and anger, along with understanding of my feelings.

 

But again, for the most part? Our talks revolved around the logical conclusion of what would occur, once I fully decide on this course.

 

Now that he knows about the affair? No response. Nothing. He's acting the exact same way he did before me telling him.

 

What. The. Hell???

 

I think the worst part is: if I ultimately were to decide not to get a divorce, he would be fine with me staying.

 

Again, what the hell? What is going through his freaking head?!

 

Even without knowing about the affair, how could he ever be okay with me staying with him, just because my other option might not be available (that is hypothetical).

 

Add the fact that he now knows the whole truth, I can understand his standpoint even less.

 

Can someone please shed light on this? Honestly, I expected him to galvanize divorce proceedings, what with the affair coming to light. I would not be okay with sticking around, if my AP became unavailable. I still intend on going through with divorce.

 

Why on earth isn't H grasping this? Is there anyway I can make him understand, and respect himself enough, to let me go?

 

I'm given to wonder if he's only dealing with this because maybe he's in the denial stage, or if it has something to do with our daughter.

 

He tells me he wants me to be happy; well, I'll be happy when I let him go, because he deserves better than I have given him as of late, and because I deserve to stop living this falsehood. If he really wants me to be happy, why is he being so apathetic about all of this?

 

I just can't wrap my head around this.

[Toddbt12y1]

Possibly shock. Sometimes people tend to reflect differentkt, than we'd expect, upon hearing devastating news.

 

When he has time to digest this more, he may desire a divorce. He may show anger. Maybe he will show nothing at all. Point is, he probably hasn't thought to himself, a whole lot on this.

 

Or

 

He may hope, now that all of this is out and about; he may hope of a chance to reconcile and heal this marriage beyond the affair. Due impart to loving you. There are many endless possibilities.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Possibly shock. Sometimes people tend to reflect differentkt, than we'd expect, upon hearing devastating news.

 

When he has time to digest this more, he may desire a divorce. He may show anger. Maybe he will show nothing at all. Point is, he probably hasn't thought to himself, a whole lot on this.

 

Or

 

He may hope, now that all of this is out and about; he may hope of a chance to reconcile and heal this marriage beyond the affair. Due impart to loving you. There are many endless possibilities.

 

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he reacted with a mix of both. I guess I figured whatever his reaction would be, it would more explosive than this, more immediate. Whether tearful or angry, I didn't expect denial.

[Toddbt12y1]

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he reacted with a mix of both. I guess I figured whatever his reaction would be, it would more explosive than this, more immediate. Whether tearful or angry, I didn't expect denial.

 

I'd expect anger at some point. Not to say it's a guarantee.

 

I experienced anger. Dumped mine...ended engagement. But she was the heartless type...doubt you are. Everyone reacts differently...

[LivingWaterPlease]

Is it possible that he is not in touch with his emotions or doesn't have the ability to deal with them? If that is so, is it possible that his not being in touch with his emotions, thereby rendering him not able to relate with you on the emotional level that you need, is one of the reasons you have drifted apart and that you had an A?

 

I didn't read your story, I apologize for commenting without reading it.

 

If he, at some point in his life, learned to put up walls around his emotions and/or repress them rather than to express them or if he just is very emotionally limited due to his psychological construct, possibly that is why he's not reacting to the news of your affair in the way you would expect him to.

 

Another reason might be that he is so devastated that you want a divorce, that he feels very private about sharing the fact that he is hurt about your having an A.

 

These are possibilities.

[Praying4Peace]

He's in the denial/bargaining stage. Watch out. You're where I was about a year ago. It's ego, fear of unknown, jealousy, possessiveness and when that goes there is going to be trouble.

[BetrayedH]

Honestly, my first instinct is to say that he is in (or has been in) his own affair. He has wrestled with similar demons and won't twist your arm to stay. He wants you to choose to stay.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'd expect anger at some point. Not to say it's a guarantee.

 

I experienced anger. Dumped mine...ended engagement. But she was the heartless type...doubt you are. Everyone reacts differently...

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're in a better place emotionally, now.

 

Maybe he doesn't care???? Maybe he just wants to carry on as if nothing has happened?

 

I know a few marriages where people just live separately. do you want to try that?

 

If he loved you, he would have shown it. So it is a win win, ball in your court

 

If he doesn't care, I can't wrap my head around it. I mean, we've been together eight and a half years. Would he really feel so strongly about me, that he could over-ride any hurt emotional response.

 

And sadly no, that's not the route I want to take. I've considered it, but ultimately, I can't be in a relationship with him while living apart. Even if I was still emotionally invested in our relationship, I can't see it working for us. As I'm not emotionally invested, we'd likely only drift further apart.

 

I don't doubt that he loves me; the problem, I think, is he's stuck on this idea of us that he's had since "he first laid eyes on me". I wonder if he loves the me I am, or is stuck in our past, much as I was before?

 

Is it possible that he is not in touch with his emotions or doesn't have the ability to deal with them? If that is so, is it possible that his not being in touch with his emotions, thereby rendering him not able to relate with you on the emotional level that you need, is one of the reasons you have drifted apart and that you had an A?

 

I didn't read your story, I apologize for commenting without reading it.

 

If he, at some point in his life, learned to put up walls around his emotions and/or repress them rather than to express them or if he just is very emotionally limited due to his psychological construct, possibly that is why he's not reacting to the news of your affair in the way you would expect him to.

 

Another reason might be that he is so devastated that you want a divorce, that he feels very private about sharing the fact that he is hurt about your having an A.

 

These are possibilities.

 

It's okay, it was a long story, anyway. I won't justify my affair as being a result of his emotional barriers. At times, he can be a very emotional person. He likes to show affection often; I think that is a big part of why I finally came clean. He kept showing affection, and every time he went to kiss me or hug me, I felt sick inside. Sick, because I know what I've done, and also because all I think about is how it felt with AP.

 

What you say is possible, though. He may have built up some emotional constructs, in the 8+ years we've been together. I don't really mind that, because I do it, too. My fire for him has flickered in and out a lot during our time together. I think what led to my affair was a number of things, none of which I put on him.

 

1) My fire flickering out.

 

2) The realization that I've tried too long to hold on to a relationship that I probably should have let go of, long ago.

 

3) Even without AP in the picture, I was going through the motions in my relationship, hoping that one day, I would be able to fix the part of myself that drifted from him.

 

4) Enter AP, and I realize just how much I love him, and how I can't be without him.

 

The divorce was inevitable, without AP. I think my feelings for AP opened my eyes to all the other issues within my relationship, and within myself. Basically, I think the affair, bad as it is, did bring some good out of a bad situation.

 

He's in the denial/bargaining stage. Watch out. You're where I was about a year ago. It's ego, fear of unknown, jealousy, possessiveness and when that goes there is going to be trouble.

 

If you're right...and it goes the way it did for you...well, I may not feel it while I'm in the eye of the storm, but it will certainly be better than this state of limbo.

 

This isn't going to be pretty...I'd better have the strength to deal with it, if and when it officially hits. More importantly, I'm going to need to do everything in my power to protect my daughter from any of it, if it gets as ugly as you say it might.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Honestly, my first instinct is to say that he is in (or has been in) his own affair. He has wrestled with similar demons and won't twist your arm to stay. He wants you to choose to stay.

 

That thought has occurred to me, over and over, with disturbing clarity.

 

6 years into our relationship, he did have a drunken ONS. In fact, he was so drunk, he's not even sure if he actually engaged in sex with the random woman he woke up to, the next morning.

 

He always told me to treat it as if he had, for that reason.

 

When it happened, he told me right away. He still carries remorse for it, which I keep telling him not to (and not just because of my own affair, but because it doesn't impact me, anymore. Other things in our relationship hurt me more than his possible one-time infidelity).

 

I'm honestly not sure what to think. I guess the only thing is to prepare for a possible storm. I know he wants me to stay; I just hope he doesn't fight for me to. He deserves better than that, and I can't keep going through the motions.

[BetrayedH]

That thought has occurred to me, over and over, with disturbing clarity.

 

6 years into our relationship, he did have a drunken ONS. In fact, he was so drunk, he's not even sure if he actually engaged in sex with the random woman he woke up to, the next morning.

 

He always told me to treat it as if he had, for that reason.

 

When it happened, he told me right away. He still carries remorse for it, which I keep telling him not to (and not just because of my own affair, but because it doesn't impact me, anymore. Other things in our relationship hurt me more than his possible one-time infidelity).

 

I'm honestly not sure what to think. I guess the only thing is to prepare for a possible storm. I know he wants me to stay; I just hope he doesn't fight for me to. He deserves better than that, and I can't keep going through the motions.

 

You can't control his response, only your own.

[JustAReformedGirl]

That is true.

 

I'll keep everyone updated, if and when something more comes about.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, nice job coming clean, RD. I like most of your posts and keeping up with this undisclosed affair just didn't jive. Not easy to do. Proud of you.

[JustAReformedGirl]

By the way, nice job coming clean, RD. I like most of your posts and keeping up with this undisclosed affair just didn't jive. Not easy to do. Proud of you.

 

Thank you, very much. I like most of your posts, as well. You've always maintained a very level-headed approach, which I greatly respect and appreciate.

 

I'll admit, I gave quite a few false starts over the last couple of weeks. It was hard to come clean, but I think it really was a lot harder, keeping this bottled up inside for so long.

 

Now I've entered the "What now?" State. Even though I know what I want and need to do, there's still a lot that needs to be done to get there. Not to mention the likely inevitable fall out.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thanks so much for your input. I will certainly be on my guard, and allow the chips to fall where they may. He needs time to react, I'm sure. It was only earlier today that I finally told him. I wound up having a break down, because I smelled-or imagined I smelled-my AP's scent.

 

When that occurred, I had to let the truth out. I was tired of falling apart, with him only knowing part of the reason why.

 

I shall keep everyone informed, as things progress.

[Artie Lang]

he may be co-dependent upon you. maybe even coupled with self-esteem issues. it sounds really f()cking weird to me.

 

have you asked him how he feels about the affair. i mean, really really asked him?

 

i didn't read your entire thread, are you still in this affair as we speak?

[JustAReformedGirl]

he may be co-dependent upon you. maybe even coupled with self-esteem issues. it sounds really f()cking weird to me.

 

have you asked him how he feels about the affair. i mean, really really asked him?

 

i didn't read your entire thread, are you still in this affair as we speak?

 

No, the affair isn't still going. I'm not aiming for reconciliation (even if H wanted it, it wouldn't be the right decision for either of us).

 

As to asking him how he feels? Yes, numerous times. I ask him what he's thinking, and he says he isn't thinking anything. I ask him how it's possible to hear about the affair, and still not exhibit any emotion.

 

He has no answers for me.

 

I'm also considering the possibility that he suspected the affair, if he didn't outright know about it, before I told him. I wondered for a long time before telling him, if he may have just been in denial about it all this time.

 

It's probably shock. I did just tell him earlier today, so maybe he's just trying to process everything.

 

I also suspect he's delved into escapism. Since I told him, his attitude toward me hasn't really changed-but he's spent the better majority of his time playing Battlefield 3. :/

[JustAReformedGirl]

Also, I suspect you might be right about self-esteem issues, Artie. I can think of no other reason why he'd be okay with me staying, if I decided not to go through with divorce.

 

Honestly, I can't fathom this, at all. I'm going to give him time to sort through his feelings, see if anything comes up...

 

Because right now, I feel like he's avoiding it. He's been avoiding full-blown conversations about our relationship for quite awhile, so I guess I shouldn't have expected different, with the affair coming to light.

 

Oh sure, we talked a lot about our relationship's imminent demise...but it was always cut short, or done in segments, because he would suddenly need to go out for a smoke, or suddenly need to do something else around the house.

 

Sorry, now I'm venting. I think the apathy is making me crazy.

[oldshirt]

A couple possibilities. One is it just hasn't soaked in yet and he is in some kind of denial/avoidance phase. The loss of a relationship can trigger a Kubler-Ross type grief process just like a death and people go through the denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance stages just like a death.

 

Another possibility is he just doesn't care as much as you thought he would. You have obviously been disengaging over a period of years and much of your love/passion/intimacy/closeness/connection etc etc has been getting invested in the OM. Even though you may think you have been being a good wife and coming home and doing the home chores dutifully, your heart hasn't been in it and you've likely just being going through the motions for the most part, so there is a good chance that he has been disconnecting during that time too.

 

He may have been mourning the loss of your love and marriage for the last few years and all this is is hammering the final nails in the coffin and all that's left is the paperwork.

 

If that is the case and there isn't any immediate rush to get the paperwork done, he may just be going on about his regular daily routines and he's fitting in trips to the lawyers office etc at his convenience.

 

So really one of two possible outcomes here. Once is the "KABBOM!" is still coming. the fuse may have been lit but is just on some kind of delay and that once everything starts to soak in and the fog lift, the $hit will hit the fan.

 

Or this is simply going to be an amicable, no-drama, no name-calling, no plate-throwing business transaction as you two divvy up the property and work out the arraingements of the divorce.

[Ladydrib]

Is it possible he's having an affair too?

[JustAReformedGirl]

A couple possibilities. One is it just hasn't soaked in yet and he is in some kind of denial/avoidance phase. The loss of a relationship can trigger a Kubler-Ross type grief process just like a death and people go through the denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance stages just like a death.

 

This would be my guess. Avoidance is something he's done a lot in our relationship. He won't flat-out ignore it, but achieving a full discussion with him about any of our problems has been nearly impossible.

 

Another possibility is he just doesn't care as much as you thought he would.

You have obviously been disengaging over a period of years and much of your

love/passion/intimacy/closeness/connection etc etc has been getting invested in

the OM.

 

Possible, though it precedes the OM. I think the closest H and I have been was the first 6-8 months after getting back together after our last break-up. I think it was because I missed him, and wanted to really try at having our domestic life together again. Fear of loneliness played a big part, though I don't think I realized it at the time. Another factor was our daughter. I didn't want to separate him from her, because he is a good father-more than I ever had, growing up. I didn't want to deny her that...but, I can't keep going on like this, either.

 

The marriage itself is relatively new. We've only been married since December 2012.

 

 

Even though you may think you have been being a good wife and coming home

and doing the home chores dutifully, your heart hasn't been in it and you've

likely just being going through the motions for the most part, so there is a

good chance that he has been disconnecting during that time too.

 

I've definitely been going through the motions. As soon as I realized that, I told him so. I wasn't aiming to be cruel, but I could feel myself pulling away, and felt he deserved to know that. I also think you might be right about him disengaging. In a lot of ways, he'd still be in the relationship. Still kisses, hugs, jokes around, etc. But he withdraws, as well. He admitted to me that he pulled away at one point, because he knew I was distancing myself.

 

He may have been mourning the loss of your love and marriage for the last few

years and all this is is hammering the final nails in the coffin and all that's

left is the paperwork.

 

Mourning the loss of the relationship, yes. The marriage has been too short for that. He feels bad for pressuring me into the marriage when he did; at that time, he knew about how I was feeling. I still hold myself far more responsible than him for that; I never should have given in to the pressure. I was an idiot, in that. I thought my AP had moved on, and that I could, too. I thought I could try harder at the relationship...the fact is, my failure is made that much larger, because I knew better, and still went through with it, anyway.

 

If that is the case and there isn't any immediate rush to get the paperwork

done, he may just be going on about his regular daily routines and he's fitting

in trips to the lawyers office etc at his convenience.

 

Also possible. I'm thinking he just needs more time sort out what he's feeling. He's probably shut down

 

So really one of two possible outcomes here. Once is the "KABBOM!" is still

coming. the fuse may have been lit but is just on some kind of delay and that

once everything starts to soak in and the fog lift, the $hit will hit the fan.

 

I'm expecting the kaboom; not necessarily a super ugly one, but some sort of blow out.

 

Or this is simply going to be an amicable, no-drama, no name-calling, no plate-throwing business transaction as you two divvy up the property and work out the arraingements of the divorce.

 

After the initial kaboom-if it comes-I expect this will follow. Before the affair came to light, we agreed to be amicable for our daughter's sake. There will be hurt enough between the both of us, but we agreed to being mature about it. Even without knowing of the PA, he knew of the EA. Not of any sexting mind you, but he did know of every other aspect.

 

It's possible **** might go badly, now that the PA has come to light-but I'm not sure. I'm trying not to predict anything at this point. Maybe if I assume the worst, it will go better than expected...

 

Is it possible he's having an affair too?

 

I considered that, but it's highly doubtful. If so, it's only EA. I can't get myself worked up about it, because there's too much I've done.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm expecting the kaboom; not necessarily a super ugly one, but some sort of blow out.

 

 

 

After the initial kaboom-if it comes-I expect this will follow. Before the affair came to light, we agreed to be amicable for our daughter's sake. There will be hurt enough between the both of us, but we agreed to being mature about it. Even without knowing of the PA, he knew of the EA. Not of any sexting mind you, but he did know of every other aspect.

 

It's possible **** might go badly, now that the PA has come to light-but I'm not sure. I'm trying not to predict anything at this point. Maybe if I assume the worst, it will go better than expected...

 

 

 

.

 

My gut is telling me there won't be a kaboom. more of a little bonfire that just kind of ignites, grows into a flame for a little while and then burns down to an ember and eventually flickers out.

 

Since you were already having matter-of-fact discussions on how to conduct a divorce prior to the A coming to light, it's not like this was any kind of shocker to either of you. In this case you just happened to be the one that had A and hit the ejection handle first.

 

You have both probably been mentally preparing yourselves and steeling your hearts for this for years. Now that it is here, you each have preplans in place and it's just a matter of get'n er done.

 

You never had fireworks, skyrockets and passions in your marriage. There's no reason to expect it in your divorce either.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Self esteem issues - definitely.

 

Unhealthy way of dealing with problems - definitely. Avoidance, escapism - whatever you call it, my guess is that he handles most problems in life this way, not just your relationship problems.

 

Stop accepting his hugs and signs of affection. When you do so, he interprets it that there still is a chance that you might stay.

[JustAReformedGirl]

My gut is telling me there won't be a kaboom. more of a little bonfire that just kind of ignites, grows into a flame for a little while and then burns down to an ember and eventually flickers out.

 

The sad thing is, I'd say that reflects our entire relationship, as well.

 

 

 

You have both probably been mentally preparing yourselves and steeling your

hearts for this for years. Now that it is here, you each have preplans in place

and it's just a matter of get'n er done.

 

Chances are, you're right. I know I've been preparing myself, and by extension, I tried to prepare him, too. Before the A came to light, I even told him I was trying to prepare him for the likelihood. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want him to be in the dark either, nor to enter a state of denial, or hoping that things were getting better when they weren't.

 

You never had fireworks, skyrockets and passions in your marriage. There's no reason to expect it in your divorce either.

 

Perhaps not in the marriage, but early on in the relationship, and at certain points throughout. On the whole though, I agree. There was very little of those sparks that everyone talks about. They existed-and so did some of the more negative ones. Sometimes, our arguments were the most passionate part of our whole relationship. In fact, I'm sad to say this...but I think they were the most passionate part. Our courtship phase was good, but short-lived. Insecurities and problems snuck in pretty early on.

 

I hope you're right, and that it doesn't get ugly. I don't expect there to be nothing at all; I'm just hoping we can maintain a good level of civility for our daughter's sake, and that over time (after the D occurs) we'll have an easier time in our interactions (brief as they may be, we'll still have to interact when it comes to sharing custody).

 

On the note of custody, that will be another bag of cats to deal with. I wonder if the state he is in has something to do with mulling that over, as well. We both hope for joint custody, but we're unsure of how the proceedings would go.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Self esteem issues - definitely.

 

Unhealthy way of dealing with problems - definitely. Avoidance, escapism - whatever you call it, my guess is that he handles most problems in life this way, not just your relationship problems.

 

Stop accepting his hugs and signs of affection. When you do so, he interprets it that there still is a chance that you might stay.

 

You're right. It may hurt him more, but it's not healthy for either of us to keep going on like this, and even less so, now.

[Steadfast]

Maybe his reaction was anti-climatic because he already knew. And he did.

 

In any case, I do not think you realize how cold and heartless you have become. You question and mull over the 'lost' feelings for your husband while sleeping with another man. You sabotaged your own plan, played both ends against the middle (where you claim to be) and bitch about the results.

 

Divorce him already. Put it out of its misery.