Dreamed about AP's GF last night - Need to apologize?

[compulsivedancer]

My AP had a long-term GF (7 years?). He told me that she had given him permission to sleep with me (we were in open-marriage discussions), so I never really gave her much of a thought. I found out after DDay that this was a lie.

 

His GF is a friend of my husband's, who went to college with her. They have not had much contact in the last several years, but after DDay, he contacted her and spoke with her about the A. He has said that he is so ashamed of what I did with AP that he probably won't talk to her again, unless they are thrown together in work or the community.

 

AP often threw her in inappropriately as a sexual object for our conversations. I'm not going to go into detail, but I went along with it and it turned me on. After Dday, H sent her a transcript of some of our texts, which included this. I don't know if she read it.

 

I should've been ashamed at the time, but it was an added thrill while I was in the affair fog (I imagine this was also tied up in my general feeling of him an MINE and GF as his OM; I had very ambivalent feelings about her).

 

Now that the affair is past, I sometimes dream about her, I worry about running into her, I get ashamed when I think about ordering her favorite food at a particular restaurant we go to, etc.

 

She has not expressed any interest in talking to me, and I have been in complete NC with AP since DDay.

 

Is there any reason I should contact her? I doubt she has any interest in talking to me. To the BSs, if you were in her situation, would you be even a little glad to have the OW write you an apology and let you know that she is willing to talk about it if you want more info?

 

I think maybe the time has passed, and that if I wanted to do this, I should've done it right after DDay, but I wasn't ready for that then. Now I feel the need to apologize, but I don't want to cause her more pain.

 

Thoughts?

[2sure]

Because she knows your husband...if she wanted to reach you, she would have.

But if you feel the need to apologize personally and sincerely, you should of course. Just an email, not requiring a response.

 

I'm not sure if she would feel further violated by the contact. I might.

 

This is different than telling a BS about an affair, which I am in favor of, in that she already knows.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Tough call. On one hand, if you really feel the need to apologize-and not just to make yourself feel better, but because you feel you owe it to her, you should do so. It may stir things up for her a bit emotionally, but after awhile, things will calm back down, and the apology might go a long way toward aiding her healing process.

 

On the other hand, she may think you're only apologizing to assuage your feelings of guilt, and it might only hinder her healing process.

 

Does your H know you wish to apologize to your former AP's wife? Since they once knew each other, try to get his input on the matter.

[compulsivedancer]

Tough call. On one hand, if you really feel the need to apologize-and not just to make yourself feel better, but because you feel you owe it to her, you should do so. It may stir things up for her a bit emotionally, but after awhile, things will calm back down, and the apology might go a long way toward aiding her healing process.

 

On the other hand, she may think you're only apologizing to assuage your feelings of guilt, and it might only hinder her healing process.

 

Does your H know you wish to apologize to your former AP's wife? Since they once knew each other, try to get his input on the matter.

I will talk to him about it and see what he thinks. I would need his help contacting her anyhow, as I don't have her contact info.

[BetrayedH]

Good suggestion from RD about asking your H.

 

Personally, I always favor a heartfelt apology. It may not be taken well initially but most of what I've read says that it eventually makes a difference and helps with closure. My only hesitation here is that it sounds like she's read about you enjoying participating in her betrayal. Ouch. Kinda been there myself. Still, better reason to apologize, I suppose.

 

If I had a recommendation, it would be to keep it short. The more you write (and try to "explain"), the more it comes off as justifying your affair. A brief, heartfelt apology accompanied by willingness to answer questions is usually the best route.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think you just need to let it lie, don't contact her. It sounds like it'd be more for your benefit than hers... in her position it would be the WH I'd want the apology and explanation from, it would be my relationship with him that'd require that apology to rebuild and move forward. An apology from the OW wouldn't mean diddly squat. You're probably nothing to her, no offence but that is most likely the way it is. So don't go dredging up awful emotions for her when I bet she's working really hard to put it all behind her and move on.

[HopingAgain]

I think you just need to let it lie, don't contact her. It sounds like it'd be more for your benefit than hers... in her position it would be the WH I'd want the apology and explanation from, it would be my relationship with him that'd require that apology to rebuild and move forward. An apology from the OW wouldn't mean diddly squat. You're probably nothing to her, no offence but that is most likely the way it is. So don't go dredging up awful emotions for her when I bet she's working really hard to put it all behind her and move on.

 

I wholeheartedly agree withv this. Don't dump on her to assuage your guilt. I think the best way to show your remorse is to stay in NC with her and her husband, and allow her to move forward in peace.

[BHsigh]

Hmm, I personally would love to hear if POSOM feels guilty, it wouldn't stop me from giving him an earful though. I suppose that's because we were friends at the same time as their A though.

[NorthernGuy]

I would love an apology. I may not beliee it at tge time but I know down the road I would accept it and be glad I did. Right now I feel like the man who smiled to my face and then touched my wife cares very little about hus involvement or even how my wife is feeling. I'd also like an apology from his wife who I considered a friend and yet is covering her Husband's ass.

 

So i i were you I would send a short simple "i am sorry". Do it now and they may accept it later. But don't wait until later or you may open an old wound.

[Running Man]

Apologizing after all you've done to her is useless and will only drudge painful feelings for her. Just be grateful your husband still wants you for whatever reason and focus on being faithful. You and your AP have done enough harm to your relationships with your partners.

[Betterthanthis13]

My AP had a long-term GF (7 years?). He told me that she had given him permission to sleep with me (we were in open-marriage discussions), so I never really gave her much of a thought. I found out after DDay that this was a lie.

 

His GF is a friend of my husband's, who went to college with her. They have not had much contact in the last several years, but after DDay, he contacted her and spoke with her about the A. He has said that he is so ashamed of what I did with AP that he probably won't talk to her again, unless they are thrown together in work or the community.

 

AP often threw her in inappropriately as a sexual object for our conversations. I'm not going to go into detail, but I went along with it and it turned me on. After Dday, H sent her a transcript of some of our texts, which included this. I don't know if she read it.

 

I should've been ashamed at the time, but it was an added thrill while I was in the affair fog (I imagine this was also tied up in my general feeling of him an MINE and GF as his OM; I had very ambivalent feelings about her).

 

Now that the affair is past, I sometimes dream about her, I worry about running into her, I get ashamed when I think about ordering her favorite food at a particular restaurant we go to, etc.

 

She has not expressed any interest in talking to me, and I have been in complete NC with AP since DDay.

 

Is there any reason I should contact her? I doubt she has any interest in talking to me. To the BSs, if you were in her situation, would you be even a little glad to have the OW write you an apology and let you know that she is willing to talk about it if you want more info?

 

I think maybe the time has passed, and that if I wanted to do this, I should've done it right after DDay, but I wasn't ready for that then. Now I feel the need to apologize, but I don't want to cause her more pain.

 

Thoughts?

 

Go for it if husband thinks its a good idea- maybe you talking with her can help with his problem in the bolded? Maybe he would like to witness the apology and be part of it?

 

Maybe he wants nothing to do with it- but it is an original idea, coming from you offering to help other people heal from the A and that is good for a BS to hear I think.

[Confused48]

Short answer, yes, I would love an apology from the AP. It would make me feel better. Yes, yes, yes.

 

But then to you specifically, no, not a good idea.

 

As the hurting BS I would use your apology to hurt your AP. In any way I could. If I could. Show me a way I can hurt the AP and I'm going to go in all out, to do the maximum damage I can to the AP. Now and forever.

 

But if you are really altruistic about this then do it. B/c while I would be gutting the AP, with whatever info the BS gave me to damage the AP, I'd also be thinking, the AP is sorry. The AP is not a total POS. I feel better knowing that in a moment of weakness, my WS hooked up with someone that was not a compete waste of air. Not a scum bag.

 

For the record my WS's AP is so off the charts bad, scum bag waste of air, that AP is about to do jail time for what AP did. To multiple WS.

[compulsivedancer]

Short answer, yes, I would love an apology from the AP. It would make me feel better. Yes, yes, yes.

 

But then to you specifically, no, not a good idea.

 

As the hurting BS I would use your apology to hurt your AP. In any way I could. If I could. Show me a way I can hurt the AP and I'm going to go in all out, to do the maximum damage I can to the AP. Now and forever.

 

Confused, I am having difficulty following, since AP could be me or OM and BS could be H or the GF. Can you clarify a little?

 

But if you are really altruistic about this then do it. B/c while I would be gutting the AP, with whatever info the BS gave me to damage the AP, I'd also be thinking, the AP is sorry. The AP is not a total POS. I feel better knowing that in a moment of weakness, my WS hooked up with someone that was not a compete waste of air. Not a scum bag.

 

I really do want to apologize. I just don't want to hurt her more in the process. Btw, by definition, I'm pretty sure I AM a scum bag.

 

For the record my WS's AP is so off the charts bad, scum bag waste of air, that AP is about to do jail time for what AP did. To multiple WS.

 

Wow. I'm really sorry. Does that make it harder, or does it make it more apparent that her A was not your fault and not about anything you did?

[Confused48]

Confused, I am having difficulty following, since AP could be me or OM and BS could be H or the GF. Can you clarify a little?

 

Ok, so you are thinking that you will talk to the BS of your OM. What I meant was that if is were that BS I would use any info you gave me to come back and hurt you. Punish you. Make you share the pain.

 

I really do want to apologize. I just don't want to hurt her more in the process. Btw, by definition, I'm pretty sure I AM a scum bag.

 

You know, if my WS's AP had this attitude I might very well not try to make that person feel my pain.

 

Wow. I'm really sorry. Does that make it harder, or does it make it more apparent that her A was not your fault and not about anything you did?

 

it makes it a little easier in that I can blame WS a little less. I never had a problem thinking it was my fault. Even when on Dday WS tried to make me think that. Never bought it for a second. What helps though is to think that WS would not have done this but for the criminal acts of the AP.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Confused48

[compulsivedancer]

Ok, so you are thinking that you will talk to the BS of your OM. What I meant was that if is were that BS I would use any info you gave me to come back and hurt you. Punish you. Make you share the pain.

 

His GF has never tried to talk to me at all. OM lied to me and told me that she had approved an open marriage and him sleeping with me specifically. So there is a possibility that she is less upset with me than the typical BS. On the other hand, she keeps herself to herself; she is not one to seek outside herself for support, information, etc, so it may just be the way she's handling it.

 

Honestly, it's a lot easier for me not to hear from her, and I hope she doesn't contact me. But I never intended to hurt her and I am very ashamed of the way we treated her, so if she needs to talk to me in order to heal, I want to be available. But I hope she doesn't.

[Confused48]

His GF has never tried to talk to me at all. OM lied to me and told me that she had approved an open marriage and him sleeping with me specifically. So there is a possibility that she is less upset with me than the typical BS. On the other hand, she keeps herself to herself; she is not one to seek outside herself for support, information, etc, so it may just be the way she's handling it.

 

Honestly, it's a lot easier for me not to hear from her, and I hope she doesn't contact me. But I never intended to hurt her and I am very ashamed of the way we treated her, so if she needs to talk to me in order to heal, I want to be available. But I hope she doesn't.

 

Wow. You are so kind. I'm almost crying. I think whatever you decide to do will be ok for you and for her.

[compulsivedancer]

Wow. You are so kind. I'm almost crying. I think whatever you decide to do will be ok for you and for her.

 

Kind after the fact only counts for so much.

[Betterthanthis13]

Hearing that attitude exists on earth from a fWS at this moment in time means more to me than you wil ever know.