ContemplatingD Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I met my husband when I was 21 and married him when I was 24. There were lots of things That we're red flags when we dated, such as his binge drinking, use of marijuana and always putting his friends before me. I even gave him back the engagement ring at one point. He always used to say he wasn't used to having a girlfriend and that was his reason for acting immature. Nevertheless we got married. During the first year or two there were a few times he went out with his buddies and didnt come home. Every time we would go out together with friends and he would drink too much I would get frustrated. I drink, too, but he becomes this other person. he also smokes pot sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable. Seven years in he had a wild night with a friend, flirted with another friends girlfriend and got left passed out in a parking lot. One of the friends felt bad and went back for him and brought him home. I was disgusted and put him in the guest room. The friend who brought him shouldnt have been driving so I put him in the other guest room. Later that night he came into our bedroom and tried to kiss and touch me.ni kicked him out. I told my husband about it two days later. He asked if the friend had hurt me, then called him to verify the story. I asked him not to have that friend in our lives anymore. This is a guy he has known since kindergarten. He was 32 at the time this happened. A few weeks later I caught him on the phone with him. I was hurt, feeling like he didn't care enough about me and cared more about the friendship. He has excused the friends behavior because the friend was high. This summer I found out they have talked and texted a lot in the last year. Remember, I asked that contact stop years ago. Since that incident more than seven years ago our sex life has not been normal. I think we average intercourse once every three months, and fool around once every two months. Usually it's when I complain. I asked for years what was wrong, was it me, was he gay, how could we fix it. When I told him summer 2012 I wanted to leave he said he had been using porn. He wouldn't tell me any details. Few months later i got him to reveal that for years he got lazy and took care of his own needs with porn. Remember I had been wondering to fix our bedroom issues. He says he is done with it and that I can check his computer history all the time if I want. I don't want to live that way. Frankly when we did have sex I didn't enjoy it...but maybe that's because of lack of use. Lol. I did snoop before he moved out and saw that he had looked up a hot ESPN reporter yesterday...visited 33 pages. Other issues I have are that he can't talk about his emotions and isn't affectionate. I look at our future growing old together and view those qualities as being very important to me...and we are lacking in that area. Another issues is that sometimes he seems overly flirtatious. Sometimes it could just be friendliness that I am overreacting to. We had fun together but shouldn't there be more physical and emotional intimacy, more caring and support? Sorry for such a long post. He isn't a horrible person so it just makes it confusing. He moved out a few months ago and has said he can't change who he is.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Well, he can't if he won't try. Ae you in counseling?
Author ContemplatingD Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 We did counseling up until we decided he would move out. He has said since then that he is done with counseling. Just today I asked him how he feels and he said he wasn't sure he could change who he is and doesn't want to get bitched at if he makes a mistake.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 We did counseling up until we decided he would move out. He has said since then that he is done with counseling. Just today I asked him how he feels and he said he wasn't sure he could change who he is and doesn't want to get bitched at if he makes a mistake. Well that's mature. You sure you want to stay together? Why?
Author ContemplatingD Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I don't want to stay together I guess but I'm so afraid of hurting him and our families. My mom is not at all supportive and makes me second guess this decision all the time. We have always had a good time together except when he binges or smokes. But no, I don't want to wake up later wishing I had left because he is still an annoying drunk who can't hold his liquor.
Author ContemplatingD Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I guess sometimes I wonder if I have overreacted.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I guess sometimes I wonder if I have overreacted. Well it may certainly be something that could be fixed. But all parties have to want to try. Your H does not. He told you he wouldn't try cause he didn't want to change. In this case, I think you need to assume he doesn't have the chops to stay married. AND there is more to this... Your family will get over it. Do what you need to do.
Author ContemplatingD Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 I just had a talk with him and said since he can't change I'm filing. He said he could control the drinking. I said I have heard that before. He also said he can't fix his emotional intimacy problems. I need a backbone or a big miracle sign that we would live happily ever after. I know there are men who don't become annoying drunks and who aren't afraid to look you in the eye and have a serious conversation. But I feel like I'm turning my back on someone I have been with for 17 years.
trippi1432 Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I just had a talk with him and said since he can't change I'm filing. He said he could control the drinking. I said I have heard that before. He also said he can't fix his emotional intimacy problems. I need a backbone or a big miracle sign that we would live happily ever after. I know there are men who don't become annoying drunks and who aren't afraid to look you in the eye and have a serious conversation. But I feel like I'm turning my back on someone I have been with for 17 years. He would have to fix the emotional intimacy problems before he could fix the drinking problem, so one is a lie and the other is an answer for why the other is a lie. The only time a relationship is worth salvaging is if both are working on it and he's not willing unless you accept his behavior (which is unacceptable).
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. It appears that he is letting the drinking ruin his life. This is unfortunate as I would image that when he is sober that he does have many good qualities. NO he can't control it, that is why you are here, it is an addiction. This is not an environment that you want to raise children in as this is a perpetual type behavior. What you do has to be your decision, but just understand that you can't make him stop. He can't control the drinking and must get professional help as this will only get worse. My advise is make a plan for action and act decisively. 1
Author ContemplatingD Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 He has many times said he would control it and then we go out and he ends up binging. He has blamed it on mixing beer and liquor or other reasons. It's not often but it's often enough that I finally had enough I guess. And the fact that he won't hold my hand, have sex with me but once every three months, kiss me beyond a peck hello or goodbye, or have serious conversations with me added to my wanting to leave. But he is otherwise a very, very good man with who I have fun with. He is also a great partner around the house. My counselor said having someone who mows the lawn, helps clean and buys groceries isn't a reason to stay married. My mom is unhappy in her marriage (but claims to be so very happy) because her husband drinks and lays on the sofa alot. I don't want to feel that way in 20 years. She doesn't understand it.
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