Spreading love to my fellow dumpees

[youngbutoldsoul]

First off, thank you for all the love and support from all the members here. I felt compelled to write a thread as a way to spread more positivity on here! Hopefully you'll find something that brings a glimmer of hope and happiness.

 

It's been four months since being dumped by my bf of two years (currently: 1 month strict NC) and after so much devastation and tears, I've gotten to a point where I begin to feel a new sense of happiness emerging.

 

Coming out of this breakup, I've learned so many wonderful lessons and it's been a very introspective period of my life.

 

Things I remind myself:

 

 

*Life is so fragile. Your life or the life of anyone you care about could be unfairly taken away at any moment. Instead of letting silence and loneliness paint your world, live vibrantly and be around people who care about you more often

* People will always be complex and are so dynamic. We cannot fully understand ourselves so it's not easy to expect to keep up with another individual's life and growth. Change is the essence of life like seasons in nature. We just have to embrace whatever we've got.

* I read somewhere that love is an energy that you cannot control and flows in and out at it's own will. I like to imagine that same form of energy leaving a past partner, reforming, and I will meet it again someday, in a different context, in a different way, with a different person.

 

* Time is an expense we could never replenish. Use it to build and surround yourself with what makes you most content. Become the best possible version of yourself as possible.

* YOUR life is precious and you was not brought into this world to endure all this pain and suffering over someone who doesn't CARE about you the way you care about them. Be thankful it was good while it lasted and realize you cannot change the outcome of this situation. There's so much you am capable of doing and CREATING (and that also includes a better, more stable relationship when the time is right)

* In regards to decisions and outcome, here's a great response from Professor Howard that I found on Quora (I highly recommend you all to use this free smartphone app. It's a great community that answers questions to pretty much everything. I love how authentic, specific, and personal the answers are rather than googling something broad on google):

* "We all want to make good outcomes, but all we can control is our decisions. This is lesson number one in decision making, the difference between the quality of the decision and the quality of the outcome. They are completely different. Yet in everyday language we don’t make that distinction. If you’re listening to a football game and the coach decides to go for the two-point conversion and it doesn’t work, the announcer says he made a bad decision. Well, no, he had a bad outcome. It might have been a great decision, right? It’s so ingrained that people judge the decision by the outcome that it’s a major teaching point by the time they get here to say, “Wait a second, you shouldn’t be thinking this way. And the other advantage of thinking this way is now you can improve the quality of the decision.” Before you’d say, “Well, it depends on what happens.” No no, it depends on what we know, what alternatives we had, all those legs of the stool. So, let’s make sure we have a great set of alternatives, we’re using our best information, we’re accurate in our preferences, and we put it together with the right logic. Then we’ll have nothing to recriminate ourselves about."

* It's normal that you will wonder or think about what your ex is doing or who he/she is spending time with, and it might make your stomach tighten. You'll think: WE should still be together. WE should be doing X, Y, Z at this very moment NOT with someone else. Well guess what? They chose to share their life with someone NEW and DIFFERENT than you, so all you can do is look forward to sharing your life with someone ELSE later who you will love MUCHHHHH more.

* Ask yourself: do you REALLY want to be with someone who decided you are NOT good enough for them to want ANYTHING to do with you? Ask yourself what do YOU deserve?

 

* Breakups happen everyday. Even the strongest couples who've been together longer than you ever did with your ex can have tragic endings. But instead of dwelling over sad endings, try to look forward to happier beginnings. Love stories happen everyday just like breakups. You might bump into the next special guy during your next visit to grocery store, a social gathering/event/party. Wouldn't you want to be glowing with self-happiness, confidence, and sex appeal to attract a better mate? Well start self-improvement, pronto!

 

 

Things I've done (that helped me)

 

 

* Reframing the situation helped me a lot

* I'd tell myself that they are a different version of themselves now than they were before. I loved the old version much much more. There are times it might feel bizarre because they've changed SO much but I will use that as motivation to change MYSELF, only for the better. I told myself he's now a different person wanting different things. At some point, the people we were fell in love but now it's only going to ruin and waste my time if I hang on to something that's no longer there.

* I had a LOT of self-dialogue, especially when my friends or family get tired of hearing the same story rephrased over and over and over. In fact, I would write a whole script on a conversation between my heart and mind, the irrational vs. the rational.

* For example:

* Heart: He was The One for me and he just can't completely understand things from my perspective. If he understands, everything will better and he'll realize we are best together and our 2nd chance will come.

* Mind: NO, he is NOT The One for you. If he was, then he wouldn't have ever done X, Y, Z. Or the time when he ___(insert really unhappy memory)____ which shows he doesn't value you as much as I value him.

* I would keep these dialogues on a note app on my smart phone to read whenever I find myself missing him. It's like an automatic reality slap.

* Exercise. I know that's common tip but it's popular advice for a reason. Take gradual steps. Instead of feeling obligated, I took baby steps from accepting invites from friends to go swimming to finding a local place in town to go for a hike with a girl friend to vent with, or I might then hit the gym for 15 minutes (something extremely doable….you want to turn it into a habit). I'm ADDICTED now and have never looked hotter in my jeans

* I try to look at MYSELF from a third person perspective.

* Ask yourself: What skills do I lack? What are my weaknesses? What can I start incorporating into my life realistically that will have long term benefits? For instance, you could learn a new language. That could do a number of things for you: allow you to meet new people, have a more exciting experience when you travel abroad, or heck, what if you met your future spouse due to the fact that you spoke their language?

* I've never been a social network addict but I found using things like instagram to post pictures of my everyday life made me become more self-centered (which is clearly necessary and healthy to recover). Whether it's a dessert or scenery in nature, I capture them. It makes me appreciate the little things more.

* Allowed myself to retreat to a comfortable and private space to cry whenever I feel the tears coming

* Reorganizing my living environment and cooking are two therapeutic activities that makes me instantly happier.

* Project the love I want for my ex to be receptive to towards myself instead. Fall in love with myself, the idea of what I could become, the moments in life that can take my breath away that I have yet to experience.

* It's absolutely okay to do romantic things for yourself. If the idea is lame or lonely to you, think of it as practice to be more romantic for your next partner

* Be ambitious and attempt an exquisite recipe. It could be one of those meals you could use to impress later on

* Take an exciting cold shower with music blasting…or soak up in a nice bubble bath with candles and sip on wine maybe with a plate of chocolate dipped strawberries

* Practicing gratitude

* This one definitely helped me find peace the most

* I am thankful for:

* the opportunities in this country that others are deprived of elsewhere

* my loving family and friends

* the opportunity to learn what it is like to fall in love and have a partner. While it was unfortunate it didn't go the way I want, we can't always have what we want but if I CHOOSE to go on a positive path, I will find someone I never thought I'd need in this life

* the opportunities to make mistakes and I will not live in regret because I learned and grew from them

* being healthy and capable of helping others in need

* the capacity to feel happiness again

* Be a role model

* When I think of my young nephews and niece, it strongly empowers me to want to set a GREAT example for them, to show them to have self-respect and value oneself.

 

 

 

Some of my favorite quotes

 

 

 

* "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." - Caroline Myss

 

* If life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life you have a thousand reasons to smile

 

* "Don't give up. Fight hard. Because success tastes much sweeter after failure" ~Rishabh Baldi

 

* "Don't live your life impressing others. Live your life impressing yourself."

 

* "Only the present has potential" -Mama Day

 

* “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

 

* We never appreciate how fortunate we are at any stage in our lives until we move to next stage and wish we could go back.

 

* It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got - "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow

 

* Forgiveness is letting go of all hope for a better past

 

* Some relationships are only suitable for certain stages in life. Eventually you outgrow them and change….

 

* “Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers."

 

* Just because you get rejected all the time doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there wishing for someone just like you.

 

* Why settle? There are plenty of mediocre things in life, why should love be one of them?

 

* Your destiny is never tied to someone who wants to walk away from you

 

* In life you have your first love and your true love. Everything else in between is just a map showing you where to go

 

* To have loved and be loved is one of the miracles of life. Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened

 

* Some day your life is going to flash in front of your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching. -Lexus commercial

 

 

 

I hope my post will mean something to someone out there. I know you are so very hurt but you are here now, breathing, healthy, and have so much time ahead to experience love and happiness again. Don't just merely exist, choose to be alive! Do things that make you feel vibrant and alive!

 

 

Share your thoughts and feelings or even private message me if you need someone to talk to.

 

 

Peace and blessings <3

[aloneinaz]

Great post! I think you added a lot of value for freshly broken up with people!

[Helloprincess]

Thank you so so much!! This post is amazing! Thank you for sharing!!

Xo

[unexpectedlyhere]

This post is brilliant! I have a feeling I will come back to it in the future.

[Apparition]

Very nice post. This is my first time commenting as I only joined the site a few days ago. It's spectacular to see so many intelligent people sharing their stories, thoughts and opinions, as well as helping out others on the site.

Nicely done!

 

: )

[fujidabruin]

Keep up the good work! Great sharing..... hope this thread stays at the forefront. It should help more than a few people and I like the quotes.

[youngbutoldsoul]

Keep up the good work! Great sharing..... hope this thread stays at the forefront. It should help more than a few people and I like the quotes.

 

Thank you! I'm so glad it means something to some of you :] It's not easy at all and despite writing all that, my path to recovery fluctuates just like everyone else. Today, I cried while inside an elevator (thankfully no one else was in it), thinking of how my ex is really ok with never hearing a word from me again, as if the time we shared and the extent to which we loved one another could so easily be left behind. It feels surreal and I feel only half alive sometimes.

[fujidabruin]

Hey YBOS, (hope you don't mind the acronym)

 

You are awesome!!! .....and yeah even though we know we are strong and good, that damn emotional attachment just grabs you when you don't expect it. Be patient with yourself.

 

I saw a quote yesterday that made me cry immediately: "At some point in your life you will become aware that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life."

 

I am on day 10 full NC. So hard still.

 

One more quote for you that I like: "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed ONLY if there is light within."

 

Be well. I wish you peace.