caligirl99 Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Greetings. This is my first post here, and I would appreciate any advice. I have attracted toxic people and relationships in the past and am proud to say that I have been standing up for myself a lot more over the past few years (but it comes with the pricetag of people get mad at me-oh well). I have had a rough road with online dating (unbelievable horror stories) but tried it again. I met a guy who I had a lot in common with and the conversation flowed. He asked me out days in advance for a date last night. After being asked out, I felt secure and went on with my daily life, thus not texting as frequently at all. I proactively assured him that I was busy. Things got weird where he didn't compliment as freely and he started not texting back as quickly. When he did he would quiz me on what I did that day and what I was having for dinner. So we met last night and the conversation flowed again. He was easy to talk to. We hung out afterwards, and it turned physical, and he wanted to make out and rub my leg in public. I said not to because we are in public. He kept telling me to relax and let go of my inhibitions and stop holding back. I reminded him that I didn't even know he existed ten days ago. Once home, he was texting me that I was still logged into Facebook (mind you at 2 am) and I asked him if he was Facebook stalking me and he wouldn't answer. He also did not say anything about enjoying the date, but said I should let go and relax more and give the passion. I had told him about something in my life that happened which made me vulnerable and he said he knows why I didn't open up as much and then brought up the vulnerable incident. Then he told me that I must be a man-pleaser and let the guy control me. I lol'ed and said "You're wrong". Today he texted frequently but has been ignoring me for six hours and got back on the dating site (even though he had been on regularly since we connected anyway). I see mixed messages. It's like he wants the woman to submit to him and chase him and not have her own life, but he uses reverse psychology (saying I let the man run the show) to disguise what he really wants. Why would I submit to someone I didn't even know existed ten days ago? What ever happened to boundaries? I'm seeing the light here, but would just like advice to get closure so that I can be better in the future. Do you see red flags? Please share. Thank you.
Ami1uwant Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Its hard to read the PDA issue.....was he crossing the line...cant tell from your description. You saying I dont want you touching me could send the wrong message to a guy. With some guys if they think you are oing to be a difficult conquest they will move on. It sounds like he was dating you only for sex/conquest based on your description. 1
Author caligirl99 Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 To me, the pda crossed the line because it was the first date and in a public area. I said as such but he would just walk us to a less secluded area and keep it up. I've dated boys who just wanted one thing and weed them out quickly online. It seems this guy spent a lot of time getting to know me just to want sex. Maybe he just wanted to see if he could control me? Either way, I'm moving on. I just want insight so I can learn from this. Thanks for your response.
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Yeah...I think this guy viewed you less as a possible date and more as a definite challenge. he's looking for sex. Brushing your leg? telling you to 'relax and lose your inhibitions'? 'Stop holding back'...?! Get dafuq outta here. 2
Author caligirl99 Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Yeah...I think this guy viewed you less as a possible date and more as a definite challenge. he's looking for sex. Brushing your leg? telling you to 'relax and lose your inhibitions'? 'Stop holding back'...?! Get dafuq outta here. Thanks for your response. All of this puzzled me since it followed great conversation. I'm sorry, but I'm a bit confused about "I think this guy viewed you less as a possible date and more as a definite challenge". Does this mean he didn't view me as relationship material and just wanted sex?
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 It seems this guy spent a lot of time getting to know me just to want sex. 10 days is not alot of time and besides I get a creepy/player-ish vibe off this guy. Telling you to relax, let go, give in, whatever, not only shows lack of respect for your boundaries but also very bad manners on his part. He'll probably pursue you until you put out after which he'll either dissappear, or even worse, get extremely clingy. This guy is a creep and the quicker you get rid of him the better. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Just because the guy doesn't shoot for the panties like a wild boar doesn't mean he just isn't in it for the sex/intimacy, he's already made-out with you and tried to take it up a notch...he's also playing shady and avoiding reassuring you and such, he's instead trying to control you and coddle you into being his love toy. He just wants you to give in to what he wants so then he can get what he wants, and he does seem like the jealous/insecure type as well. He's not going to respect your boundaries, he wants to get you onboard with what he wants. You need to establish boundaries and communicate more in the future, you can't just go with the flow and be dust in the wind, you've got to speak up, make a difference and explain/express yourself, when something makes you feel appropriate you shut it down quick and be serious about it, because once men realize you don't have a back-bone they will try to take advantage of you to see how far they can push it, they even do with men as well. Set the bar, have self-respect and don't just buckle to a guys will because you like him or don't want him to run away, that will make you act in a passive and submissive way and many guys will chew you up and spit you out when they're done having fun and over the challenge of it.
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 ..... Does this mean he didn't view me as relationship material and just wanted sex? You're catching on....
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Greetings. This is my first post here, and I would appreciate any advice. I have attracted toxic people and relationships in the past and am proud to say that I have been standing up for myself a lot more over the past few years (but it comes with the pricetag of people get mad at me-oh well). I have had a rough road with online dating (unbelievable horror stories) but tried it again. I met a guy who I had a lot in common with and the conversation flowed. He asked me out days in advance for a date last night. After being asked out, I felt secure and went on with my daily life, thus not texting as frequently at all. I proactively assured him that I was busy. Things got weird where he didn't compliment as freely and he started not texting back as quickly. When he did he would quiz me on what I did that day and what I was having for dinner. So we met last night and the conversation flowed again. He was easy to talk to. We hung out afterwards, and it turned physical, and he wanted to make out and rub my leg in public. I said not to because we are in public. He kept telling me to relax and let go of my inhibitions and stop holding back. I reminded him that I didn't even know he existed ten days ago. Once home, he was texting me that I was still logged into Facebook (mind you at 2 am) and I asked him if he was Facebook stalking me and he wouldn't answer. He also did not say anything about enjoying the date, but said I should let go and relax more and give the passion. I had told him about something in my life that happened which made me vulnerable and he said he knows why I didn't open up as much and then brought up the vulnerable incident. Then he told me that I must be a man-pleaser and let the guy control me. I lol'ed and said "You're wrong". Today he texted frequently but has been ignoring me for six hours and got back on the dating site (even though he had been on regularly since we connected anyway). I see mixed messages. It's like he wants the woman to submit to him and chase him and not have her own life, but he uses reverse psychology (saying I let the man run the show) to disguise what he really wants. Why would I submit to someone I didn't even know existed ten days ago? What ever happened to boundaries? I'm seeing the light here, but would just like advice to get closure so that I can be better in the future. Do you see red flags? Please share. Thank you. I wish somehow I could imply just how much detail I take into consideration when reading this and other stories like it. I read this all the way through, and while I could quickly and confidently say that I don't like his vibe at all, I can't find the words to explain my reasons for you in detail. However, the idea that you had something in your life which made you vulnerable... **connects/ties** to the sort of guy he is in an uncanny way. I think something about you is drawn right to that sort of guy, while your more fortunate friends get the skeevies at the mere mention of such a prospect. It is all tied to the vulnerability incident or direct tangents to same. His relentless efforts at goading you at every opportunity in ways which are counterproductive to males when interacting with most women, are the chief indicators that he is kinda sketchy. Simply put, you can and should do better...
SpiralOut Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Oh my god. Stay away from him. The way that he analyzed your past relationship is completely out of line. He took a vulnerable, personal story of yours and judged you and insulted you based on it. I've met that type before, he's trouble. Oh, and a guy who can't respect your boundaries right from the start (telling you to lighten up instead of respecting that you don't want to do certain PDAs with him) isn't likely to respect any other boundaries of yours in the future. Run!!! 1
darkmoon Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) toxic people just turn up in anybody's life, some people get rid of them sooner rather than later, i think you should stop being polite to anybody once you know they are not good to you, go home early just phase them out, you are currently choosing victimhood my red flag report "I have attracted toxic people and relationships"...a whole relationship is too much wasted time, look before you leap xx Edited August 4, 2013 by darkmoon
KatZee Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 My radar went off here: He kept telling me to relax and let go of my inhibitions and stop holding back. He sounds disgusting. Next. 2
Story Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 He sounds shady. It's not about whether you are relationship material or not. Some guys don't care either way because they just want sex from whomever they can get it from. I'll bet you can do much better! Hang in there and don't sell yourself short.
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