Pocky Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 I'll skip the moral issues Good, since I'm sure she has her own morals. If your boyfriend dies you get squat from the social security he's been accumulating. No, she wouldn't be eligible for social security benefits, but the child would. If you were married you'd get widow's benefits right away. Doesn't matter. The child is eligible for social security benefits. If you own a home together and he dies without a will. Guess what, you are not on the short list of folks who get to inherit his assets. All they have to do is make sure that the title is set up as a joint tenancy with right of survivorship (or joint ownership). If one person dies, the other person automatically gets the house and no taxes are required because the house doesn't go through the estate. If he doesn't die and just decides to leave you? You do not have a shot at alimony. Sure, child support, but nothing beyond that. Sounds like she's doing well for herself. Alimony isn't reason enough to get married. Are you going to argue that not getting married is the best thing for a child? Given your reasons, yes. Being flip about a marriage certificate being a piece of paper and trivial at that will not bode well for you in a long term committed relationship. Such BS. Maybe you should get your facts straight before you try scaring her into getting married first before having a child since you obviously believe it's the morally right thing to do.
blind_otter Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 I don't get the "we'll get married if I get pregnant" dealie....if you wanna get married, get married. The two are mutually exclusive (as I am proof of that being single and preggo). Why do you need to know you're pregnant first? Anyways, whatever your choice, good luck to you. I am friggin' miserable right now and I'm still in my first trimester. Oh GAWD, the projectile vomitting, constant exhaustion makes me feel like I'm stoned all the time, random hormone migranes, frequent peeing , emotional rollercoaster. Also, just go to the doctor asap and get a full check up, baby or no...if you want to get pregnant, make sure you're healthy FIRST. Take a multivitamin/prenatal vitamin ASAP and make sure it has folic acid. Spina bifida is really scarey. Stop drinking caffiene, stop taking every OTC medication but tylenol, and call your provider regarding any prescriptions to make sure you can stop immediately. Pregnancy is a serious undertaking. Not to be taken lightly, ever. I am carrying my child because I don't believe in abortions, but facing these difficulties alone is tough. Just think about that before you say you can manage alone - you can, no one says you can't, but it's NOT the way to go if you have any other options. I just think...... if you want to get married, then do so and have kids then...what's the big rush?
Ladyjane14 Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by blind_otter Also, just go to the doctor asap and get a full check up, baby or no...if you want to get pregnant, make sure you're healthy FIRST. Take a multivitamin/prenatal vitamin ASAP and make sure it has folic acid. Spina bifida is really scarey. Stop drinking caffiene, stop taking every OTC medication but tylenol, and call your provider regarding any prescriptions to make sure you can stop immediately. Pregnancy is a serious undertaking. Not to be taken lightly, ever. That's such great advice! You really ought to read it twice!!
Author neptoon Posted November 2, 2004 Author Posted November 2, 2004 I'm not saying I want to have a child alone. I'm not planning on getting pregnant and then running off. BUT... I will not be blackmailed into staying with anyone because a child is present. I will not stand to be abused, mentally or physically. Yes, we can work through many things but I will not stand for being disrespected through abuse. This is all I mean when I say I can support myself. I am here because I choose to be. I had hesitated at the thought of the legal document and marriage because he has more assets than me. I don't like to be looked upon as wanting something from him if he dies -- the thought of losing him alone is devastating. I don't want his money, I don't want any part of his family's money. I don't care about the tax umbrellas (and yes, he did say that as a good reason for getting married -- but I don't think I'm hearing a good enough reason from him about being married. I don't want him to give it to me because he thinks I want it. I want him to want it because HE really wants it. I want him to know exactly WHY he wants it. I'm here because I know I want to be and why I want to be.
anon2 Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 Um, hello, the idea is in protecting the kid as best you can. look at all the hoop jumping she'd have to do to basically replicate the marriage contract you get with "I do" and a marriage license. If this guy dies she gets no survivor benefits. yeah, the kid gets some. But last I checked a widow's benefits plus a kid's benefits equals significantly more than a kid's benefits alone. If I were a betting man, this lady has none of those documents set up. Why all the effort to avoid marriage with a man she seems to love and want children with? I don't get it. Getting facts straight? I haven't even gotten into the realm of predicting future success of children from intact married households versus any other mode of relationship. Life's hard enough, why not give a kid a leg up as far as you can?
izzybelle Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 neptoon, i have every confidence that you will make the best decision for you, a possible child and your future with the man you are with. from everything you've said i have no reason to believe that he will abandon you and your child. and yes, you should protect yourself and your children to the best of your abilities. whether you choose to marry him or not is your's and his decision, and again, i'm sure you will make the best decision for all concerned. and as much as i don't want to further contribute to this having gone off topic to some extent..... anon2, while you have some valid points, i have to question any study that predicts future success of children based on family situation. i have no doubt that there are studies out there to back up what you're saying. but, sucess is one of those things that is a very personal issue. some may base that on money earned, status, whatever, but that is NOT what success is to everyone. i'd be hard pressed to say that someone who works in human services and makes little money is less successful than a dr. who pull in a 6 figure salary. i work with students every day who are in the process of leaving college and moving on to the next phase of their lives and i see students from happy wealthy homes doing well, and i see students rasied by single moms who were abandoned, doing equally as well, and in many cases having the same opportunities available to them after college. perhaps they've had to work a little harder to get where they are today, but in my mind they are already more successful than students who have had opportunities handed to them. it's all in how you define success. while there may be money issues for future support for the child they're thinking / planning on having, they both seem to want children and want them together. and i trust their abilities to provide for their child. perhaps i'm being naive since i don't know these people beyond the few words stated here, but neptoon, if you and your bf have talked about this, thought it through and are committed on being there for this child, married or not, go for it!!! you've already given having children more thought than many. and BTW.... you'll survive childbirth!!
anon2 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 It has to do with a shared esprit de corp and commitment to success. who said anything about 6 figure incomes? I argued the death benefits to show how not being married would have an impact. In intact nuclear family filled with love is the best thing for a kid. all other arrangements are accomodations. some successful even. But odds on best? Kinds in a married family. Yeah, you can argue all you want about bad marriages. I'n not saying bad marriages are good for kids.
Pocky Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 Um, hello, the idea is in protecting the kid as best you can. Um, hello, the idea was trying to scare her into getting married first. Your post was misinformed. You stated information as facts when in reality you don't have the facts. look at all the hoop jumping she'd have to do to basically replicate the marriage contract you get with "I do" and a marriage license. No jumping through hoops. You know every house purchased has a title. Filing for benefits for a child is the same as filing for benefits as a widow. If this guy dies she gets no survivor benefits. yeah, the kid gets some. But last I checked a widow's benefits plus a kid's benefits equals significantly more than a kid's benefits alone. Last you checked, huh? Was that the same place you checked when you posted your previous post? If I were a betting man, this lady has none of those documents set up. Considering she doesn't have a child and just moved in with her boyfriend, I'm sure she doesn't. Good job on that bet! Why all the effort to avoid marriage with a man she seems to love and want children with? It's not about avoiding marriage. It's about being told that your life is going to be one big mess if you don't get married first. I don't get it. You're right. You don't. Getting facts straight? I haven't even gotten into the realm of predicting future success of children from intact married households versus any other mode of relationship. Oh, please do share some of your insightful information since you've been so successful in your previous posts. Life's hard enough, why not give a kid a leg up as far as you can? And you think having married parents is all it takes? A lot of married couples are awful parents. Keep the scare tactics in politics where they belong. If you want to discuss the pros and cons of being married vs. unmarried when conceiving a child, I have no problem with that, but lying or providing inaccurate information in order to make your case is unacceptable. Nothing you've posted has any truth behind it and you haven't provided any support to validate your opinion (your future success theory).
anon2 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 So you want a scholarly footnoted paper on the benefits of marriage, an abstract on applying for survivor's benefits? Come on. Just because I do not provide you in a discussion forum with chapter and verse on what I wrote does not make what I wrote untruths. You have an ax to grind, but your wit is dulled by dogma. From the U.S. social Security office's website a snippet on applying for survivor's benefits: Here are the most typical situations: A widow or widower, at full retirement age or older, receives 100 percent of the worker’s basic benefit amount A widow or widower, age 60 or older, but under full retirement age, receives about 71-99 percent of the worker’s basic benefit amount; or A widow or widower, any age, with a child under age 16, receives 75 percent of the worker’s benefit amount. Children receive 75 percent of the worker’s benefit amount. ===== Do the math I wrote of earlier. A widow getting 75% plus a child getting 75%. It's not an either or situation. There would simply be more money if MARRIED. ===== So do children benefit from living in a married household that is filled with love and attention compared to any other comparable situation? According to Kristen Anderson Moore, Ph.D., a Presidential and Senior scholar in a presentation to the Childrens Rights Council in 2003, children do best when raised by their two biological parents in a low conflict marriage. Children in other situations have twice as much behavior problems than children in the optimal family situation. She points out a phenomenon called "fragile familes." This is when unmarried people over the age of 20 pair up to raise familes. They end to be less robust economically than married coupled and find it hard to avoid breaking up. Also, fathers in nonmarried relationships are absent from childrens' lives at a significantly greater rate than in married couples that part. ==== I suppose I could write a friggin book opn all the points you seem to want to label as lies by me, but I'll spare you Pocky. Just don't be disengenuous about me or my motives. I wish the original poster all the success in the world. But more importantly, I wish any kid she beings into this world the best situation possible.
izzybelle Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 anon2, yes, there are some definite advantages financially if one gets married. i don't know that anyone is disputing the fact that the survivor benefits, etc are better. and my 6 figure salary, was made as a point of illustration because i know many equate success with $$$. i was curious about your reference to fragile families and found this on the Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study website at Princeton. in a paper regarding mothering behaviors and interactions (stress levels and parent interaction), and i'm making the leap here that mother/child interactions plays an important role in child wellness, their findings aren't exactly cut and dry, which i expected. one of the problems with statistics is that it's easy to take one peice and make an argument out of it. and i'm choosing to take this one point to make my argument, and perhaps out of context it does not have the meaning that the authors intended. and i'm not saying that you've lied about anything, my point is that providiing a nurturing "family" for a child is much, much more complicated than just saying be happily married. and you can take this for what it's worth........ Conclusions and Policy Implications Most studies comparing married and cohabiting parents find Marriage itself is not responsible for the way a mother interacts with her child. Our findings have important implications for policies aimed at promoting marriage among unmarried parents. Those concerned about the effect that family structure and stability have on child wellbeing should consider education, individual parenting practices, and relationship quality in addition to focusing on marriage promotion. so yes, happily married, stable parents who can provide a nurturing, supportive environment is a great idea, i'm not disputing that. the problem with many of the studies that look at other family types is that, in many (not all) cases, those who participate in the study, who are not married, may be economically disadvantaged. not all non-married families are enconomically disadvanted but the temptation is to take that information and apply it to the population at large. and i'm sure you could find a study to refute what i've quoted above, and then i could find one that counters what you post, and on and on it would go. the point is... there's so much research out there these days, it's possible to find a study that backs up almost any argument. and raising a well-adjusted child goes well beyond just looking at whether or not a couple is married.
anon2 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 And I do not see you as calling me a liar. I think that potential success is something that can be predicted across groups of populations. I'm not disputing that an individual's success can always rise beyond statistical predictions. My dispute was with Pocky in so distainfully labelling me a liar just because I irritated her. My bead on the whole idea of raising children - based on the real world - I have two kids (20 and 15) and observing the lives of numerous relatives and friends, is that the ones living in stable married households are doing the best. It's hierarchical, a pyramid if you will. At the bottom, having the most problems are the clueless and financially strapped. At the top, the stable, married couples. If this bugs people, so be it. Sad they are so angry.
USMCrifleman Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 neptoon As a father of 3 with one from my ex. I can tell you that having children is a life altering experience. If there are any doubts as to your longevity with your boyfriend don’t do it. I can tell you that it is a tramatic thing to have visitation rights and shared holidays. Remember that if it doesn’t last between the 2 of you that there will be a person who does not have the coice to stop loving either one of you. I see the confusion and sometimes disappointment in my son’s eyes when I have to bring him back to his mom’s after my “weekend”. I don’ mean to preach but consider the child in your decision; how would you feel if you were that child. I am not saying that you and your boyfriend “will” break up, but think “what if” the decision you make will affect that child for the rest of his/her life. You and your boyfriend can “move on” but the child cannot you will always be his/her “MOM” and your boyfriend will always be his/her “DAD”. Just a bit of advice from someone who is living it right now.
SoleMate Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 Hey, quit beating up anon2. He (I'm guessing??) has some very good points. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper; as he mentioned, it confers substantial legal rights. There's also something very wholesome about both prospective parents facing that choice and being able to make it with confidence. Women can become vulnerable when pregnant or caring for small children. Look at blind otter; she's not too far from being on disability. Children can be born with medical problems, sometimes severe. As a woman, I can't imagine taking that risk voluntarily without knowing that the father has sworn and legally bound himself to help provide for us. (BTW, I have an advanced degree in engineering and make beaucoup bucks when employed.) Hold your fire....YES, I believe in love, and keeping a relationship strong through meeting each other's needs. Many of us have a profound need to see that the person proposing shared parenthood to us is "bought in" enough to be happy to be married. Anon2 also brought up the emotional benefits to a child in a married, low conflict, bioparent household. That is the ideal I would love to have for my children. Sometimes fate or our own misdeeds may rob us of the ability to provide this, but in my eyes it will ALWAYS be the ideal. What is it about anon2's well supported points that is getting a few of us so riled? I don't get it.
Pocky Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 My dispute was with Pocky in so distainfully labelling me a liar just because I irritated her. Your first post was a lie. It's okay now, because you're backtracking. Good thing the edit button expires after a specific amount of time. First you say: If your boyfriend dies you get squat from the social security he's been accumulating. And I informed you that you were wrong - clearly pointing out that the child gets benefits. Then you change it and say: If this guy dies she gets no survivor benefits. yeah, the kid gets some. But last I checked a widow's benefits plus a kid's benefits equals significantly more than a kid's benefits alone. Now that you've backtracked - you're right. Both could get benefits if she were married. First you say: If you own a home together and he dies without a will. Guess what, you are not on the short list of folks who get to inherit his assets. And I informed you that all she had to do was make sure the title stated it was a joint tenancy with right of survivorship (or joint ownership). Then you say: If I were a betting man, this lady has none of those documents set up. So instead of trying to tell her she'd lose her house you're now claiming she doesn't have any of the documents set up. Nice switch. I'm glad you switched to statistics to use in your debate. I said I had no problem with you debating the unmarried vs. married parents - adding your own opinion or studies you find worthy of consideration is acceptable. Stating information as a fact in a way that is extremely misleading to make a point isn't. It's lying. Have fun with your debate.
izzybelle Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 i personally am not beating up on anon2, and yes, he makes some perfectly valid points and i apologize if you see it that way. and as i said: happily married, stable parents who can provide a nurturing, supportive environment is a great idea, i'm not disputing that. but.... being married is not the be all and end all to one's ability to raise a wonderfully well adjusted, intelligent, respected, successful, contributing member of our society. i will agree that yes, having two loving parents is the BEST option but.... marriage is not the only factor in what's best for a child. and yes, speaking as a divorced mom of two kids (11 & 13), i do take pride in my abilities to raise my kids, virtually on my own. i have no doubt that they both will succeed, whatever that may mean to them. and i'm sure their father will take some of the credit for that (since he theoretically has them 50% of the time) but it will be in spite of him, not because of him that they will be who they will be. as someone who lives from paycheck to paycheck and provides what i can for my kids, i have seen that it is not the "things" that develops children into wonderful adults it is many other non-tangibles. my kids do not have the frequent trips to Disney World that their friends do, nor do they have the most expensive new gadgets. i do what i can and yes, my children have learned to appreciate the love and the "little" things that get done from them. things that come from the heart and not from the store. ironically my ex-in laws are ridiculously wealthy (3 mercedes, million dollar home) and are happily married and they, i'm assuming, had a lot to do with the way my ex and his siblings turned out. and i'll choose the way my children are turning out over the way he and his siblings did in a heartbeat. so my kids see both sides of the coin and i do believe that if they had to make a choice, their choice would be for love not money! could i have done as good, if not better job raising them as a single parent with no father? i have absolutely no doubt in my mind that that would have been the case. so yes, it bothers me when it appears (and yes, i know i may be reading into things) that people believe that marriage and money are what makes for a well adjusted, successful child. that it is those things that give a child an advantage. and yes, in a perfect world, that's true. but as i see it this world is far from perfect. there is so much more to providing for a child than that and i am thankful that i have children who recognize the importance of being there for them.
anon2 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 It not being a perfect world, I just think that BEFORE going into parenthood, one should decide to pick the BEST option for the child. That best option for the child is two parents MARRIED in a stable, low-conflict, loving relationship. As I said before, it is possible to make your kid succeed despite a divorce, death of a parent, etc. Just is bewildering to me why someone would want to on purpose give their child less than the best situatoon for them. It also is bewildering to me the level of hostility stating such things engenders amongst some posters. Maybe they can tell us of their awful raising in a married family?
hotgurl Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 I think marraige is more than a contract and legal benefits it is a spirtual union and its important. so important that a group of people are fighting very hard for the right to get married. We take marraige for granted in this country and it's meaning is diluted. To me marraige is saying out loud to everyone you are going to be faithful and stay by this person no matter what. It's also a contract. and a social milestone. The difference for living together and marraige is like the difference between renting and owning a home. tangiable and intagible. Every couple I've spoken to who has live together for a long time and then got married said it was different afterwards. thier view of the relationship changed more serious. izzybell. I am in the same situation you are in and understand why you are defensive. I am sure your children are wonderful and are being raised wonderfully. A single parent can do this it is harder though, I know. But let me ask you this would you ever choose it? neptoon I think if you want to have a baby fine but you need to plan finacially how long are you going to take off of work. Are you going to go back full or part time? ect. Plus eventhough you have known him for five years dating is very different and you've only been dating 1.5 yrs and living together 3 mos. I would live together at least a yr before having a child then you get to know each other more and establish a realtionship together before kids.
izzybelle Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 izzybell. I am in the same situation you are in and understand why you are defensive. I am sure your children are wonderful and are being raised wonderfully. A single parent can do this it is harder though, I know. But let me ask you this would you ever choose it? that's a difficult question to answer. would i have chosen to do that when i was younger, probably not. but, if i was older (although still younger than i am now) and if i didn't have someone significant in my life, i probably would have considered adopting or going to a sperm bank or pusuing other options. please don't get me wrong, i think there are so, so many cases where having two parents is a better option, but my point is, it's not the only option. and while more difficult to do alone, i don't think that's reason enough to get married. ironically you mention how a group of people is now advocating for their rights to be married and have all of the rights that go with that legal contract, in addition to the emotional feelings of being able to profess their love in front of others. i know a male couple who adopted a baby several years ago and they have provided an incredible environment for that child. and they are both comitted to being the best parents they can be and giving that child every opporunity for a happy life. but they are not married, and until things change, they won't be able to be. so in part because of what i've been through and what i'm going through, and in part because of warm, loving people like them i don't think marriage is the only, or even perhaps the most important factor in bringing a child into the world. and i apologize for coming off as defensive but i do believe that providing for a child goes well beyond the legal contract of being married. i know there are a lot of single parents out there, as well as unmarried couples, who are doing everything they can for their children.
momof3 Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 I would like to peep in on this one. I had my oldest son with a boyfriend. During our relationship I had some health issues that led my dr.'s to decide that I could no longer take birth control pills. My bf was with me at the appointment. So, to make a long story short, he refused to use condoms, I asked what if I get pregnant (I was 19, but, not ignorant) (he was 27), and he said, we will be a family, OF COURSE. So, for 6 months I didn't get pregnant, and, just figured maybe I couldn't. He probably thought so too. Well, I got pregnant, and at first everything was great! He was sooo happy about me being pregnant. Even told me that he was glad that I was the woman he was going to have a baby with. He told all of our friends, family, co-workers. Here's the kicker. Two months later he started seeing another girl (she had just turned 18). A few weeks later he threw me out of the house, and that was the end of the relationship. He has decided not to be a father to his son, and has not contacted him in 7 years. Lucky for my son, I met another man when my son was 10 months old, we married later, and he adopted him. So, my son does have a father, just not his paternal father. What happens down the road when my son turns 16, who knows! I guess my point is, make SURE you are completely prepared to raise a child for the next 18 years. Also, I have to agree that not being married and having a child can make things tough! I will not get into morals. My ex threw me out on the street pregnant, our son received child support until my husband adopted him. But, for 1 1/2 years I had to support BOTH of us. No alimony. No equal dividing of assets. He owned a house that I worked 2 jobs to pay the bills for. I was left with nothing. When I thought I was going to have a family, because that's what I was told, I ended up being a single mother. Please, just make sure you are both DEFINATELY prepared to have a child, and he REALLY means he wants a baby. It's easier for a man to change his mind and leave. The woman is pregnant, with a life growing inside of her. It's not so easy for her to say, that's not what I really want after all.
hotgurl Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 izzy, I do agree children can thrive and turn out wonderful in families that aren't traditional. i am just saying a stable marriage where both partners help is in my opion the best case seniro. my story is similar to momof3 but I dated my bf for 3 yrs and became pregnant due to being young and stupid with things. we had the baby and moved in together I didn't really know him until I lived with him and the baby came. he was manipulative, controlling, abusive and negectful. He was able to hide those things from me while dating but not later. do I regret my child no. Would I have made a different choice hard to say. she has shaped me in so many ways but I missed out on having a partner to share with me and experience my daughter with me. Even though I am supposed to get child support he is jobless most of the time hasn't seen her in 5 yrs. Owes me 15 grand. I am college educated have a professional job but due to medical problems. I don't make enough to cover my bills but to much for help. But what concerns me about me is not so much that they aren't married but that they are considering it so soon. She may make great $$ now but what if something happens . When you single you don't have as many choices. Like I would love to work 30 hrs a week and be home at 3 for my daughter and have a house but there is no way I can do that without a partner.
babywithmyfriend Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I used to be afraid of "LABOR" also. For many years. But over the years, the fear is started to subside. The thing that you might want to consider is asking a doctor about what really goes on during labor. How women differ in the delivery room. What are you options before and during the delivery process. But I totally understand where you are coming from.
a4a Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 As for concerns about birth see this site http://www.unassistedbirth.com the fear and hardship of it is in your mind. It is amazing how you can overcome any pain if you put your mind to it... afterall it is not a disease but a natural body function. Having a child is a huge decision that should not be taken lightly, nor should marriage. You have to think long and hard why you want both of those in your life. I have seen marriages where it is just a piece of paper. I have seen people get married just to get married, for the event even. I have seen a handful where getting married meant living up to a commitment to yourself and to your partner. I have yet to really see the question answered "why do I want to have this child?" Make a list of the pro and con. Watch others that have children in their life. It is more than a 18 year commitment......its for life.....good or bad. Your kids could have a tragic life, a happy one, be monsters, or be angels......but are you willing and ready to deal with that? For the rest of your life? Is he? Being married does provide much more security to your children! For their future as well. I am starting to wonder why people are so against marriage. I was against marriage as well until I found the right person and until I knew that I could commit myself to him 100%. Take your time and really really really think about having a child with him, or anyone! You cannot go back once you have done this..... a4a
harleygirl92156 Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I remember when I was pregnant with my first. I was scared, but I was only 20. I kept telling myself if delivering a baby was so bad, women would have one child and then make sure they never ever had another. Well, as you know most women go on to have more than one child. I had three. Just remember, if it was so horrible, every family would have one child and no more.
hotgurl Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 this post is so old she probably already had the kid by now
Beautiful1 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 please try to put the "giving birth" fears aside and decide if you want a child right now with him!!!! yes, i was terrified of giving birth too after seeing probably the same documentary. but there are so many drugs and things like an epidural that almost completely take away the pain of giving birth, so please, that's something you can discuss with your physician. my mother even went through hypnosis and had some post hypnotic suggestions to help her through the process. i'm not going to tell you that it doesn't hurt, it does, but as i said, medicine has ways to help with that. and who knows, you may be like a friend of mine who kept waiting for things to get as bad as she'd heard they'd be. and while she was still waiting for them to get unbearable, her son was born. she never really went through any pain that even made her consider needing any medicine. all that said.... if this child could just magically appear, no pain, no discomfort, no fear.... do YOU WANT A BABY?!?!?! that's what you need to think about now. the rest is manageable!!! I totaly Agree When I was pregnant about a yr ago. I went in to preterm labor (having labor at 7 1/2 months) And was scared as hell I kept waiting for the worse to happen I was in labor on and off for like 5 days. But once they gave the green light on the epederial I was in heaven. I can say that It didn't feel as bad as I thought It would because honey once that medicine kick in they can chop your damn leg off and you wouldn't feel a thing. But I agree with this post im quoting you really need to make sure you want to have a baby with this man. Will the two you you have the same parenting style? Does he feel the mother should do all the work? What about 4 oclock feedings diaper changes, Who's going to pay for child care? Will the two of you get married? If you see your self getting married to him then think of this Baby as a marriage , a marriage that you can't divorce it really is till death do you part on this one...Think fast and speak slowly Good luck
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