Should I give lying husband second chance?

[sarahmay87]

When I met my husband, he had a minimum wage part time job and over six figures of debt. He couldn't afford his rent or bills. I was 23 years old, he was 29. The debt was primarily due to medical bills related to his diabetes and other health problems. I figured it wasn't due to financial irresponsibility, but rather due to circumstances beyond his control.

 

I fell in love with his humor and wit. He was easy to talk to, kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and caring. And I could trust him 100%. I never thought he would lie to me or cheat on me. He had all the qualities I was looking for in a husband. So, we got engaged.

 

Prior to marrying, my family helped him declare bankruptcy on his medical debt. He also got a full time job that paid a dollar or two more than minimum wage and gave him good health insurance. I learned that as long as we didn't open a joint bank account or get loans together, my credit score shouldn't be impacted by his.

 

A few months before we got married, we created a budget to track our expenses and our incomes. I don't make much money either, so we had to have a tight budget. For example, we could only spend $250 a month on food. I stopped taking my antidepressants because I couldn't afford them. We could only go out to eat twice a year and could never go on dates to the movies or anything like that. We also wasted a lot of money on stupid things we didn't need, like overpriced snacks from the gas station. To gain better control over this, we wrote down all of our expenses on the budget every week. We looked at the budget on my computer and he would tell me what he purchased so I could type it in. So, for 9 months, I thought we were doing a great job keeping track of our expenses. I paid all of our bills and he was only responsible for our cell phone bill, his gas, and his medical expenses. He should have saved the rest for emergencies.

 

Of course, keeping close track of things and me trying to help him made our relationship more parent-child rather than husband-wife. My physical attraction towards him declined for that reason.

 

Sometimes I would ask to see his bank account to make sure I got everything on the budget, but he wouldn't show me. He "forgot his password" or something. I just brushed it off. Remember, I trusted him 100%. I believed he had forgotten his password.

 

In a period of two months, beginning in May, he was hospitalized 3 times for not taking care of his diabetes (high blood sugar). I thought he was doing great at home- he only ate the healthy, home-cooked meals we had. We would have grilled chicken and vegetables for dinner. How could he get high blood sugar from that? The doctors didn't understand it, and neither did I.

 

During his third hospitalization, I got a letter in the mail from america cash advance with a receipt. It showed my husband wrote them a check for over $200. I was confused and asked him about it. He lied and said it was old. I said no, it was from this month. He then lied again and said it was for my birthday. I then asked to see his bank account. He finally gave me the password.

 

I went in there and saw months and months worth of fast food purchases and major cash withdrawals. Where did the cash withdrawals go? I don't know. The money totaled to over $10,000. Remember, he has diabetes. And we were poor.

 

This man lied to my face for our entire marriage about where he money was going, did not take care of himself, and nearly died over it from high blood sugar.

 

We filed for divorce yesterday. I can't deal with his financial stress and lying; I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He keeps begging for a second chance. I told him he needs to get his act together on his own and then we'll see. What are your thoughts?

[sarahmay87]

i dont want to hear all of you guys business.

when things are great we did not hear from you.

 

i dont think its up to us to tell you when to divorce him.

so its you men, your business, your choices.

 

even thou i believe if there is no abuse, in any kind of way, or cheating,

divorce is not something you really need to do all the time.

 

I didn't even know this forum existed until today. That's why when things were great, you didn't hear from me.

 

I didn't know this place was so uninviting and hostile. I won't be back.

 

Also, if you didn't want to hear it, why did you read it??

Edited August 3, 2013 by sarahmay87

[trippi1432]

When I met my husband, he had a minimum wage part time job and over six figures of debt. He couldn't afford his rent or bills. I was 23 years old, he was 29. The debt was primarily due to medical bills related to his diabetes and other health problems. I figured it wasn't due to financial irresponsibility, but rather due to circumstances beyond his control.

 

I fell in love with his humor and wit. He was easy to talk to, kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and caring. And I could trust him 100%. I never thought he would lie to me or cheat on me. He had all the qualities I was looking for in a husband. So, we got engaged.

 

Prior to marrying, my family helped him declare bankruptcy on his medical debt. He also got a full time job that paid a dollar or two more than minimum wage and gave him good health insurance. I learned that as long as we didn't open a joint bank account or get loans together, my credit score shouldn't be impacted by his.

 

A few months before we got married, we created a budget to track our expenses and our incomes. I don't make much money either, so we had to have a tight budget. For example, we could only spend $250 a month on food. I stopped taking my antidepressants because I couldn't afford them. We could only go out to eat twice a year and could never go on dates to the movies or anything like that. We also wasted a lot of money on stupid things we didn't need, like overpriced snacks from the gas station. To gain better control over this, we wrote down all of our expenses on the budget every week. We looked at the budget on my computer and he would tell me what he purchased so I could type it in. So, for 9 months, I thought we were doing a great job keeping track of our expenses. I paid all of our bills and he was only responsible for our cell phone bill, his gas, and his medical expenses. He should have saved the rest for emergencies.

 

Of course, keeping close track of things and me trying to help him made our relationship more parent-child rather than husband-wife. My physical attraction towards him declined for that reason.

 

Sometimes I would ask to see his bank account to make sure I got everything on the budget, but he wouldn't show me. He "forgot his password" or something. I just brushed it off. Remember, I trusted him 100%. I believed he had forgotten his password.

 

In a period of two months, beginning in May, he was hospitalized 3 times for not taking care of his diabetes (high blood sugar). I thought he was doing great at home- he only ate the healthy, home-cooked meals we had. We would have grilled chicken and vegetables for dinner. How could he get high blood sugar from that? The doctors didn't understand it, and neither did I.

 

During his third hospitalization, I got a letter in the mail from america cash advance with a receipt. It showed my husband wrote them a check for over $200. I was confused and asked him about it. He lied and said it was old. I said no, it was from this month. He then lied again and said it was for my birthday. I then asked to see his bank account. He finally gave me the password.

 

I went in there and saw months and months worth of fast food purchases and major cash withdrawals. Where did the cash withdrawals go? I don't know. The money totaled to over $10,000. Remember, he has diabetes. And we were poor.

 

This man lied to my face for our entire marriage about where he money was going, did not take care of himself, and nearly died over it from high blood sugar.

 

We filed for divorce yesterday. I can't deal with his financial stress and lying; I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He keeps begging for a second chance. I told him he needs to get his act together on his own and then we'll see. What are your thoughts?

 

Hi SarahMay - Hopefully you will come back to see what other's have posted....the part in bold, I feel that is the most honest part that you can admit to yourself, and it happens in marriages. It's not a position that any wife wants to be in as they need their husband's/men to be responsible. That's the other half of the relationship, if one is carrying all the weight in the relationship, it damages it.

 

Understandable that the relationship is damaged by that and the dishonesty over financial responsibility, but is it beyond repair? That would be up to whether or not you can find a way to trust him again.

[Misfortune]

I didn't even know this forum existed until today. That's why when things were great, you didn't hear from me.

 

I didn't know this place was so uninviting and hostile. I won't be back.

 

Also, if you didn't want to hear it, why did you read it??

 

Don't judge everyone based on the actions of one. You also have to take the good replies with the bad ones. People here have been hurt worst than financial deception so some might not see your situation to be as dire as theirs. I also never encountered these forums or many things until my relationship tanked. No really goes looking for these kinds of things when they're happy, that's just how life goes. Don't stress.

 

I don't really think this is something get divorced about. Did you two sit down and talk about the situation? He may be having issues unknown to you and if you go into ultimatum mode right Way, he may run and dig himself a deeper hole.

 

You can't really be upset now that you feel you're living a parent child life. You knew how he was financially from the start and you chose to become his financial manager. Maybe he felt upset/belittled at you for controlling things. He probably had/has needs/wants that were not/are not being met by you and the financial management situation.

[undercover_lover]

i dont want to hear all of you guys business.

when things are great we did not hear from you.

 

i dont think its up to us to tell you when to divorce him.

so its you men, your business, your choices.

 

even thou i believe if there is no abuse, in any kind of way, or cheating,

divorce is not something you really need to do all the time.

 

 

You are a real gem..

[sarahmay87]

Don't judge everyone based on the actions of one. You also have to take the good replies with the bad ones. People here have been hurt worst than financial deception so some might not see your situation to be as dire as theirs. I also never encountered these forums or many things until my relationship tanked. No really goes looking for these kinds of things when they're happy, that's just how life goes. Don't stress.

 

I don't really think this is something get divorced about. Did you two sit down and talk about the situation? He may be having issues unknown to you and if you go into ultimatum mode right Way, he may run and dig himself a deeper hole.

 

You can't really be upset now that you feel you're living a parent child life. You knew how he was financially from the start and you chose to become his financial manager. Maybe he felt upset/belittled at you for controlling things. He probably had/has needs/wants that were not/are not being met by you and the financial management situation.

 

Thank you. Yeah, it just threw me off guard to have the very first response I ever get from someone on here to be so rude.

 

He probably felt controlled. The other side to that is that we really didn't have the money for him to be buying fast food every day and whatever else he got. I ate peanut butter sandwiches every day, to the point where I don't even like peanut butter anymore, to save money. Meanwhile he enjoyed a lavish lifestyle. He hardly helped out around the house. I just carried all the burdens alone, and they were very heavy.

 

He has a long history of not taking responsibility, being immature, and not taking care of himself. Due to not taking care of himself, he'll probably die in a few years from the diabetes. I guess I set myself up for a losing battle... I was naive. He is so sweet and loving but can be so selfish.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sarah there is good advice and bad advice on here, it is up to you to weigh whether following the advice is helpful or harmful. Is this the way that you want to live for the rest of your life? Do you want to have children? I don't know this guy from Adam, but I would bet the farm that he has led this destructive life for a long time. I won't tell you to divorce him, because that is your decision, but I don't see him changing his behavior. His infidelity is financial and won't change, because his desires mean more to him than the relationship. He has already promised you that he will change and yet you find this 10,000 short fall. That is a lot of snickers bars my friend.

 

My advice is to think very seriously about this relationship. You know he can't be trusted with any money, it all has to be given to you period. This only intensify's the parent-child relationship.....see where this is going.

 

Consult with an attorney and determine the legal position that is best for you. If you don't have the money, get with family and explain your position and seek there support. You have to control your life.

[winnieloy]

When I met my husband, he had a minimum wage part time job and over six figures of debt. He couldn't afford his rent or bills. I was 23 years old, he was 29. The debt was primarily due to medical bills related to his diabetes and other health problems. I figured it wasn't due to financial irresponsibility, but rather due to circumstances beyond his control.

 

I fell in love with his humor and wit. He was easy to talk to, kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and caring. And I could trust him 100%. I never thought he would lie to me or cheat on me. He had all the qualities I was looking for in a husband. So, we got engaged.

 

Prior to marrying, my family helped him declare bankruptcy on his medical debt. He also got a full time job that paid a dollar or two more than minimum wage and gave him good health insurance. I learned that as long as we didn't open a joint bank account or get loans together, my credit score shouldn't be impacted by his.

 

A few months before we got married, we created a budget to track our expenses and our incomes. I don't make much money either, so we had to have a tight budget. For example, we could only spend $250 a month on food. I stopped taking my antidepressants because I couldn't afford them. We could only go out to eat twice a year and could never go on dates to the movies or anything like that. We also wasted a lot of money on stupid things we didn't need, like overpriced snacks from the gas station. To gain better control over this, we wrote down all of our expenses on the budget every week. We looked at the budget on my computer and he would tell me what he purchased so I could type it in. So, for 9 months, I thought we were doing a great job keeping track of our expenses. I paid all of our bills and he was only responsible for our cell phone bill, his gas, and his medical expenses. He should have saved the rest for emergencies.

 

Of course, keeping close track of things and me trying to help him made our relationship more parent-child rather than husband-wife. My physical attraction towards him declined for that reason.

 

Sometimes I would ask to see his bank account to make sure I got everything on the budget, but he wouldn't show me. He "forgot his password" or something. I just brushed it off. Remember, I trusted him 100%. I believed he had forgotten his password.

 

In a period of two months, beginning in May, he was hospitalized 3 times for not taking care of his diabetes (high blood sugar). I thought he was doing great at home- he only ate the healthy, home-cooked meals we had. We would have grilled chicken and vegetables for dinner. How could he get high blood sugar from that? The doctors didn't understand it, and neither did I.

 

During his third hospitalization, I got a letter in the mail from america cash advance with a receipt. It showed my husband wrote them a check for over $200. I was confused and asked him about it. He lied and said it was old. I said no, it was from this month. He then lied again and said it was for my birthday. I then asked to see his bank account. He finally gave me the password.

 

I went in there and saw months and months worth of fast food purchases and major cash withdrawals. Where did the cash withdrawals go? I don't know. The money totaled to over $10,000. Remember, he has diabetes. And we were poor.

 

This man lied to my face for our entire marriage about where he money was going, did not take care of himself, and nearly died over it from high blood sugar.

 

We filed for divorce yesterday. I can't deal with his financial stress and lying; I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He keeps begging for a second chance. I told him he needs to get his act together on his own and then we'll see. What are your thoughts?

 

Dear Sarah,

I also facing same problem with you.

I also asking myself should i give him a chance ?

my chance is 4th chance...

[Oberfeldwebel]

Dear Sarah, I also facing same problem with you. I also asking myself should i give him a chance ? my chance is 4th chance...

 

Sarah asked the question, do I give a cheater a second chance? The answer is no. You give a person who has made a mistake, confesses their transgression and is contrite a second chance. We all make mistakes, but we have to learn from those mistakes, so their aren't a need for 3,4,5 chances. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior. Why do you think that this time will be different?