Lilmzxxx Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Hey all, just a little bit of background. I met a guy online through a chat site, it's been 3 years since I dated properly since my ex three years ago and i had a few dates but nothing like this. Anyway we met and were seeing each other for almost three months. everything was amazing, connection, romance, talking, lots of long comfortable dates and texting. Then nothing. I text a few times but no response then a msg saying he was sick, had lots going on. I asked if he was still interested and he said yes. Then nothing so I freaked out and acted needy, called twice, text left a voicemail. Eventually he replied saying he had too many things going on in his life stressed and overwhelmed and didn't have the energy for a relationship. I was gutted. I replied saying I understand that he doesn't want a relationship with me and I hope everything works out for him. It's been a week since then, no contact. I keep hoping he'll get over his stuff and come back and I feel so foolish for thinking there was something more than what is was and having this hope.
CrimsonEmber Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 You shouldnt feel foolish for having lost what you saw as the potential for a very good relationship. Especially after a while of not dating. However, dont discourage yourself from trying again. I would just be glad that the guy you were seeing decided to end it sooner rather than later, and did it as soon as he realized that he couldnt be in a relationship. It sounds like a very honest reason to me. He could have been less interested than you were, or he also couldve dragged you into a lot of stress you didnt want to deal with. Maybe he could be a future prospect for a relationship, maybe not. Dont hold on to that hope. You have to keep the faith that you will find someone who CAN handle a relationship with you, and wont let anything get in the way of that. Keep lookin, youll find em' 1
iouaname Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I don't see what you have to feel foolish about. You fell for someone that you believed you had a connection with. As long as you were honest and genuine about your feelings, you have nothing to feel foolish about. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Don't beat yourself up over it. Easier said than done, I know. You weren't foolish; you were just eager to be with someone, to have a comfortable, loving relationship with it. Unfortunately, it seems it was ill-timed in this guy's life. I don't think he lied to you, or anything. Maybe with everything going on, and with you being persistent, he just didn't think he could maintain a relationship with you. You may have come off somewhat needy, I won't say you didn't; but he may not have been upset with you for it. He may have realized that, while he has all this chaos in his life, he wouldn't be as present as what is necessary in a relationship. He may have released you as a kindness. Did he say whether he might be interested in pursuing a relationship with you again, once everything has settled down? If not... ...well, you will need to cut your losses. Don't blame yourself; the newness of a relationship makes us vulnerable, which sometimes leads to that needy behaviour. I doubt he holds it against you, at all. Try to focus on yourself for awhile. What makes you happy? What kind of relationship do you want? Can you find that in someone a little closer to home? How far are you willing to go to find that kind of love? More importantly though, focus on single you; who are you, outside of a relationship? Do you like the person you are? What areas of your life would you like to improve? When you're in a relationship, is it because you love that person-or are you in love with the idea of being in love? Just something to think about. 2
Author Lilmzxxx Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Thank you all for your kind words. I've been on this site before but never posted and I'm so glad I did. I've spent the last three years working on me and my life and getting myself to a place here I am happy being alone in my life. I'm very independent, I've a great career, I'm also a single parent (that didn't bother him at all). I have friends who I see and I exercise as my hobby, with work and my lifestyle I don't have a time for a lot of other things. I also sought counselling after my relationship with my ex broke up because I was so broken, it was emotional abusive. It took a long time to get over it. I made time for this guy in my life, I actually saw it going somewhere because he made me feel that way. He was the one talking about the future and doing things together. He made the dates and did things for me. Treated me really well. I think he was being cruel to be kind if in honest but since my ex-fiancé and I broke up this was the first person I dated who I actually felt right with. Maybe that's why it's been so hard, there have been other guys but no-one special. He left it really open... He just said I'm a miserable person at the moment and you're best just steering clear. He didn't say he didn't want to hear from me or be friends or not pursue anything further. My reply to him was quite closed, there wasn't anything for him to reply to. It doesn't feel final and maybe that's what the problem is, if he did say something like that it wouldn't easier but I would know where I stand.
KathyM Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I'm sorry, but I'm going to be a little bit blunt here. Guys who feel they have met the right match don't suddenly go cold. He is making excuses about being sick, or not ready for a relationship, or whatever other excuse he has come up with. In that three month time, he has found something that was a dealbreaker, and he is trying to break it off as peacefully as possible. He's playing the "It's not you, it's me" card. He thinks it's you. Sorry. One other possibility, he's only into casual dating and conquests, and as soon as he got what he wanted (I'm assuming you had sex), he moved on to the next conquest. As far as the future talk, probably future faking to get you to drop your panties. A lot of men pull that. I'm guessing it's one of the two--he decided you were not a match, so he's letting you down easy, or he was just looking for a brief casual relationship and told you what you wanted to hear in order to get what he wanted. A third possibility might be that he is a relationship phobic person, and as soon as he realized things were getting serious, he panicked and fled. Most likely one of the three scenarios is at play.
Author Lilmzxxx Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Thank you KathyM, right now I am already feeling a bit crap about all of this and you just poured more salt into the wounds. I know it was probably me and not him but right now I feel stupid enough about thinking this was going somewhere without hearing that.
KathyM Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Well, I'm not sure what you were looking for with your post. I assumed you were wanting to figure out why this happened, since you seemed to not understand what could have happened to make him go cold, so I gave you a few likely scenarios. If you were just looking to vent, then all I can say is I'm sorry you got hurt by this guy.
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