Is my anger toward gf's first partner normal?

[JDOGG]

Hi, I'm new here and I have been reading for maybe a month or two but haven't posted yet.

 

First, let me start out by saying that my girlfriend and I are completely in love and nothing could be better right now. I think that this is the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I keep having a problem. In the past she has been with a few different sexual partners, but I have had none before her. It used to be hard thinking about it, but now I have pretty much put that behind me. I know that her life before me is none of my business, and I don't like talking about it to her because it always makes her feel bad, and she says that she wishes she would have never been with anyone before me.

 

I have a lot of anger towards one of the guys that she used to be with, because of how he cheated on her and hurt her...but that isn't my main problem now. I am a college student and we were talking one day and she mentioned something about her first time. She then said that the guy actually went to my college. The problem is, he was 19 at the time....she was in the 9th grade. She said she told him about her age but he didn't care...he brought her back to his hotel and had sex with her. I know that a 9th grader can be easily persuaded, especially by an older guy. Plus she was having some family issues at the time (feeling that no one loved her, etc.). Then I looked him up and found out he still goes to this school. I don't know why, but I get extremely angry whenever I think about it. I don't get angry with her, only him. Why, I don't know, because I am a very laid back guy and not very angry at all usually. But with this guy I just have a problem, I want to fight him so much I can't explain it. It's like I wish he would say something to me so I would have a reason to fight him. He stole something from her, and from me, and it just gets me so angry.

 

Is this anger normal? I know it upsets her when I get mad about it, because she feels it is all her fault. What can I do to help me with this, because I love her more than anything and I don't want her to feel bad for what some loser did to her.

 

Thanks

[SoleMate]

When I saw your topic, I was afraid it was just a standard jealousy thread. But it's not...it's about anger towards someone who took gross advantage of your gf. By many standards he would be considered a child molester. Yes, your anger is justified. I am sure if her parents knew about this, they would be ready to rip the guy's head off. A 19 year old man with a 14-15 year old inexperienced girl, who was in a vulnerable position. Yes, I think you could get together a small mob with torches and pitchforks if you tried.

 

The next question is: What can you do with these feelings so they don't hurt you or your gf? Because what you're doing now isn't working. Maybe some counselling? Not that your feelings are wrong, just that they need to be channeled so that they do not become destructive.

[JDOGG]

Thanks for the reply. I just got finished talking to her about it over the phone, and she said now when she looks back on it, she said she felt that she had to do it, because of what he was telling her. I am glad that I don't know what he looks like, because I wouldn't want to run into him on campus anytime soon.

[Pocky]

Your anger isn't going to make the past disappear. Your anger isn't going to make your relationship better with your girlfriend. This is something that happened a long time ago and unless you and your girlfriend plan to speak to a lawyer to see if any charges can be made, I suggest you let it go.

[JDOGG]

I know, I'm really trying. I don't want to be angry, I know it upsets her.

 

Even worse, I just found out that he found her on the internet and started talking to her, then he drove down to meet her. Then that same night was when everything happened. And after they had sex, she said he was asking her about one of her friends.

 

I think I will try and get some counseling...hopefully it doesn't cost much, because I am a broke college student :\ . I know that if I would find him and fight him it would only give me temporary satisfaction anyways.

[250r]

I can understand your anger. My girlfriend was dating a 20 year old at the age of 15 to 16 and he was also kind enough to give her chlamydia as well - that's how she found out he was cheating on her. It still hurts but you just have to let it go if you want to be with her. I don't really blame her - she was just nieve & young but I blame him for the obvious reasons. It's in the past, almost 14 years ago now. I can't let it bother me now. You need to try and do the same. I wouldn't go searching him out, your just gonna get yourself into trouble and cause more pain.

[JDOGG]

I guess I wouldn't be as mad if the guy didn't go to my school. It just makes me think, I could have been in class with him, could have seen him walking on campus, could have been on the bus with him. The guy that raped...its statutory, but still he raped...my future wife.

 

Btw...even if she is 19 now and that was a few years ago, could we still press charges or something?

[SoleMate]

could we still press charges or something?

Very possibly. It's been 4-5 years since this act occurred? The laws on this vary widely from one jurisdiction to another. You would really need to see a lawyer to learn about whether it could still be proescuted. Another possibility is a civil suit, which has a lower burden of proof. Before considering a prosecution, I would recommend talking to a sex crimes counselor about what the effect on your gf might be. Rape prosecutions are tough on everybody involved.

 

Here's an idea on Oregon law: http://www.portlandtribune.com/archview.cgi?id=24307

 

Here's New York law: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1073.html

 

All 50 states, for forcible rape: http://www.rainn.org/statutesoflimitationcrim.html

 

Discussion of legal issues applying while developing legislation: http://www.vaw.umn.edu/documents/stateleg/stateleg.html

 

And an interesting fact I came across: "Men over 25 account for twice as many teen births as boys under 18 years old." Yup. It's the older fellows who are getting the HS girls knocked up.

[JDOGG]

She told me that she was either 14 or 15, she wasn't sure. The age of consent here is 16, so obviously it was statutory rape. But the problem is that she doesn't want anyone to know...I am the first person to ever know of it. So I'm not sure about pressing charges, because it would take convincing her to let out her secret...and I'm sure it would hurt her. :\

 

I guess the thing that I am most angry about is that he stole her virginity from her...but since she is going to be my wife, he also stole it from me.

 

I really need some help controlling this anger though. The only reason I don't go down to his apartment to fight him is because she asked me not to. I can't help myself from hitting the concrete walls in my dorm sometimes. I guess I am concerned with this because I am a very nonviolent person...I have never even been in a fight before, besides with my brothers. What can I do to control my anger and keep me from doing something stupid?

 

Another worry I have is that this constant anger will interfere with my schoolwork...I have 2 exams the next two days and I can't afford to mess them up.

[Devildog]

You stated your gf had a few partners in her past. He might have taken her virginity, but that doesn't mean it would have been yours if he hadn't. Granted, that first experience could possibly have caused her to be a bit more promiscuous. But it also might have been something that prevented her from experiencing more partners. You can never know the answer to that.

 

Counselling might be a good idea, or channel the anger into something more productive. Go to the gym or something like that. Take out your anger on a punching bag. But do something to release that anger in some way so it doesn't eat at you.