Ex Left for Another Guy (gigs)

[autrives]

So my girlfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me for another guy. I'll try to keep this short-ish and I'll add any details people ask for.

 

Seems like a classic G.I.G.S case. We met in our first year of university, we're both artists. It was our first major relationship, we didn't even asked each other out, we just started holding hands one night and things went from there. We completely developed and built off of each others tastes and interests, we were pretty much inseparable for these past three years. I consider her the best friend I've ever had. Most of our friends are mutual, met through uni. Our relationship was perhaps unusual, we made fun of conventionally romantic things a lot and we basically just hung out as best friends all the time in a very casual but fun way.

 

We had some problems, i believe she's bi polar, or has an extreme anxiety disorder. Our arguments weren't too frequent but got pretty gnarly at times. I would shut down and be unable to help her in terrible moments. There's lots of things i wish i did differently, i realize i was too needy, not as respectful as i could have been at times. Aside from these occasional arguments, things were really good.

 

In the beginning of our relationship she was extremely insecure, i had to call her every night even if we had been together all day. To the end she would frequently have nightmares of me cheating on her. I think my support helped her gain a lot more stability but she was still who she was when we met. I feel like i got accustomed to this attention and neediness and i became that way as well; over time, from being used to being alone.

 

We were always super open about everything, and even talked to each other about having crushes on other people. For the last two years, the idea of being in an open relationship was a frequent conversation (started by me, because i logically believe in polyamory but have never practised it, she would flip out when we first talked about it). Eventually we were on common ground about it, and it seemed like the most logical thing for us, so we wouldn't have to lose each other and everything we had created, relationship/art/business.

 

So she met this new guy about three months ago, and had been talking online with him for a month. We met him together for the first time, they started hanging out occasionally, and i was accepting but curious. She denied liking him, and would even lightly insult his tastes in music and his own art, and she definitely wasn't just doing to make it seem like she didn't like him. He had been giving her gifts since he met her. I realize ways in which they are more similar, they're both emotional thinkers, view the world in a kind of fantastical way. I think hes a decent guy, but i dont think they'll ever have the same connection as we did... I think he's a bit of a cheesy romantic, which captured my ex because she didn't see that from me.

 

I think she realized she liked him the week leading up to the break up. She told me two nights before the break up that she liked him, i was initially upset (because she had lied) but very understanding. She mentioned trying to take a break or something briefly. We talked for a while and i just wanted it all to be ok, the conversation ended well, and she even said that it wasn't such a big crush. We then spent two really good days/nights together, then she went to work, and this guy met her there when she was off and they kissed (I think this was super confusing for her, leading to the next events). She broke up with me that night, we agreed to talk the next day. We skyped the next day and she said that she figured a lot out and she just wanted to take a break, she said she would tell the other guy she couldn't talk to him for a while. She said the break would be indefinite but that she was ultimately leaning towards me. The conversations over the next two days were more and more bleak about us getting back together, i think the other guy was quite persuasive. I spilled my guts to a close mutual friend, who then told my ex to fully break up so i wouldn't be dragged along further.

 

We went pretty much no contact for two almost two months with a couple of checkins via messaging online. I saw her in person a few days ago, it went pretty well, we chatted like friends pretty easily, she was pretty much in tears the entire time, i stayed confident and happy. I wanted to avoid talking about the break up. She only said a few things like, "I'm sorry i jumped into a relationship right away, and i would have done it if i didn't think about it a lot before." As well as: " I feel like we couldn't grow together anymore" I think she has come up with as many reasons as she could back up her decisions, but i feel she was ultimately impulsive and is being naive about the new relationship.

 

We will be going on a trip together in three weeks. I delayed my flight after the break up so ill just be with her for 3 days. We both felt that i couldn't drop out of the plans. It will be 7 friends in total, in a 1 bedroom place. I feel like it would be a possible chance to rekindle things and make her re-evaluate everything.

 

I analysed everything to death, as you may already be able to tell But she means the world to me, and I want to do anything I can to make us work out again. Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advice would be good. I dont feel like im ready to move on fully until I know she has, and that there would be no way she would take me back.

 

I've put in a lot of effort in improving myself, and i just want to clear all the negativity from my life and just work really hard, hopefully with her in my life.

 

THANK YOU IF YOU READ THIS ALL

Edited August 3, 2013 by autrives

[Chi townD]

Dude, it's not GIGS. She left you for another dude. Period.

 

When she said that she wanted a break and was going to tell the other dude the same thing was bullsh*t. She wanted a break from you so you wouldn't interfere with her exploring the possibility of this other dude. And what happened as soon as the break up was official? She went running to the other dude. What happened from taking a break from you and him?!?!? See, bullsh*t...

 

If she can't even be honest with herself, then you don't need that kind of person in your life. Time to heal and move on.

[Misfortune]

It really doesn't matter what labels you put on why your ex left for someone else. The fact is: She left you for someone else. Don't treat them lost lambs that need your help. They know what they chose to do and they're continuing to do it; without us.

 

9.9/10 times, "space/break/time to find self" just means "I'm off to screw someone else".

[autrives]

Maybe I could have been a bit more clear. The explanation for the break was just extra info, she ended up fully breaking up, i get it, done.

 

It made no sense to all of our friends, no one seems to think the new guy is too great. Her family was pissed off at her for breaking up. (I think it made her pull harder towards the other guy, to back herself up)

 

I know trying to get someone back who isnt honest with themself is risky, and I could end up just ****ing myself over more.

 

Ultimately, she was impulsive and I don't think she knows what she wants, she fell for another dude. She's screwing him, sure, that's fine, but she's means a lot more than that to me.

 

I dont care about labels, gigs seemed to be the appropriate titled from what ive read recently.

 

Thanks for the replies though.

[autrives]

I know its ultimately up to her too, Im not begging her. But Im going to be in close quarters soon, and I know how i present myself will effect the situation. I'm thinking shes has some buried emotions that could come out when we are around each other. If she was so confident in herself about it all, she may not have been crying so much when we met the other day.

[autrives]

Is it a terrible idea to try to make something happen between us on the trip? Obviously only if the situation made sense

Edited August 5, 2013 by autrives