I think ill just give up. :( BH

August 3, 2013

Well hello I've had so many emotions running through my mind and I'm just sort of lost.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years. 4 together 3 married. We had the greatest relationship that I could have ever imagined. I was her first and she pretty much was mine also. 2 years ago I got sick. I started getting these pains in my arm that would run up to my chest that would cause my arm to completely shut down. I felt as if my hand wanted to explode everyday at least 2 or 3 times an hour. I pretty much ended up turning myself left handed because of this. We use to play, wrestle, tickle each other and everything like that. Well once this pain started it stopped because I just couldn't any more. I started to see a bunch of doctors I would say over 12. I had surgery to have a rib removed 4 or 5 nerve blocks and just did everything to get rid of it. I finally just gave up on myself.

I shut everyone out in my family and the worst part about it is that I shut her out. I didn't realize how selfish I was being when I did this. She was pretty much taking care of me. I still had my job but i just gave up on myself. I didn't try to make myself better anymore. She ended up getting distant with me. She wanted to go out and i would let her. I let her do anything that she wanted to do. It eventually got to the point were she just thought that i didn't care about her at all. We never fought, she couldn't stand hurting my feelings and visa versa

She just recently told me that she no longer wants to be with me any longer. I broke down and told her that I didn't want her to go and that she means everything to me. I appologized to her for being so selfish that I shut her out because of my pain. She said that she loves me but not like that anymore. She eventually broke down and told me that she has been having an affair behind my back for about 4 months. She said that she didn't think that I would ever change. She said that she had married a man but ended up feeling like she was taking care of a child.

We are now split of course. She took my heart and the dog. She was the greatest person to ever happen to me and it's just so hard to let her go. I admit that I got lost in my pain and shut everyone out family and her. I gained weight, didn't talk to anyone, and lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I hadn't spoken to her for a over a month. Within that time I just got on my grind. I started working out. I reflected a lot and realized exactly what emotions she was going through all of this. She just wanted me to acknowledge her. To show her I cared and I still had that passion for her. She wanted to see if I could overcome the pain and be her man again.

I seen her this past weekend at an art show that her brother was having. Let me through this out there. She was religious, her family is really religious. They loved me with all of there hearts and seen the change in me also. They noticed that i went into a bubble. When her family found out what happened they sort of shut her out. They believed that marriage is through sickness and health. Well all of her family ended up being on my side. I had lost 25 lbs every single person of her family was shocked in how good i looked and seemed. So I ended up pulling her to the side and talking to her. I just put it out there. I didn't say that I want her to forgive me or that I was sorry. I was overly apologetic when she told me everything. I just told her that I had been reflecting on how I made her feel. In detail, that I made her feel insecure and not loved and that built into shell to avoid me. I got the response of "I'm glad that your looking good." "Why couldn't you have done this before.". She tells me that she hates the fact that her family now still likes me more than her. I told her that my family misses her so much. She started crying saying that she can't reach out to them because she knows they know. She said that she is moving forward.

I love my wife so much. It's so hard to forgive myself for locking myself up in a shell and putting out the only person i ever cared in this world for. I couldn't stand seeing her feel so sad. I just told her that she is a strong woman. The strongest woman I know. If anyone could get through this it would be her. I want my wife back!!!!! I know she is still seeing this other man. I am fighting though!!! I want to tell her that I don't want our old relationship back. I want to start a new one. To prove that I am the man she fell in love with and I promise that I can be better than my best at being her man and husband. Please!!! Any advice will help.

I am in counseling myself. I was made aware that she had went 1 time so far. Since we have had no contact since the other night. I have no idea what she is doing. She has been staying with her brother but told me that she is getting her own place in 2 weeks. I don't know if she wants to rekindle the relationship. I believe she is still seeing this other man. I feel if I tell her to stop talking the OM that she would just push me away. That i don't have the right to tell her what to do. I read the article "The Fog" and it seems like that is what she is exactly in. She just seemed so hurt by me. She told me that she went for the other guy because i wasn't giving her what she wanted. I have not kept any contact with her. When I had seen her it had been about a month from any contact what so ever. I know if I text her she would more than likely text back but the last thing she asked me for was her space. So that is what i have been giving her. I'm seeing a therapist and they insist that I give her time and not make any contact. The therapist insisted that i didn't make any contact with her at the art show. I know that i have already changed myself in a big way. I'm a heck of a lot more independant. I still think that i'm not there mentally though. I feel as if i need to be right in my head. I'm trying to build myself a lot more confidence. She did also tell me that she had been want to leave several months ago. I believe she is still seeing this other person though. I feel as if there is no hope. I won't feel right about myself if i don't at least try.

I still have the pains but I see them as an enemy that ruined my life. So I see them as an enemy that i have to conquer. I used them as a crutch for so long now I use it as my strength.

August 3, 2013

I would like to hear opinions on the above matter but now I'm getting to the point of putting her on blast and posting a picture of her I found with this other guy on Facebook. Title being: Happy late aniversery oh wait that's the guy you've been cheating on me with for the last 4 months!" Lol. I dont care how it makes me look. I want to hate her but im such a nice guy.She is still blaming everything on me. She is not taking any blame on herself. I love her so much but fudge!! I didn't deserve that.

August 3, 2013

If you want to save your marriage get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

If you do not then go NC with your WW.

August 3, 2013

Your wife has an obligation to either fix the marriage or leave it. She disregarded those two ethical choices and instead chose to betray you and her vows. You're right to be angry and you're wrong when you wallow in self-blame.

That said, I recommend avoiding revenge. You do more harm to yourself than you do to the other person.

Normally, I don't like the book because it places too much pressure on the betrayed spouse but in this case, I second Road's recommendation about the book, Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

August 3, 2013

While you were selfish when you pushed her and everyone away, it is also understandable, given the state of your health. I'm not excusing your actions, but she never should have cheated on you, as a way of coping. That was her mistake. You are not to blame for her infidelity. Yes, you carry some of the responsibility in your marriage falling apart, but not in the actions she took as a result of you pushing her away.

You own your mistakes; she needs to own hers. Don't own her infidelity. You didn't betray her. There were many other, healthier ways she could have dealt with your emotional and physical distance; she didn't choose those ways. She took the wrong path.

However, it is up to you to decide if you want to reconcile. Of course, if she doesn't wish to, there is really nothing you can do. But if she does, you have every right to express your feelings on the matter of cheating. She did cheat, and you have a right to be hurt and upset by it. If she agrees to giving your marriage another chance, she needs to cut all contact with the OM.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best in this.

August 3, 2013

I agree. You're blaming yourself way too much. You had a medical issue, and shut everybody out. You got depressed and your wife -Instead of really pushing you to get help and being supportive, she gave up and went looking elsewhere. Both of you made mistakes - But her choosing to cheat on you is ALL on her, not your fault.

You love her and want her back but as long as life is good and she's got this MM in her life, she's not going to try to reconnect or fix things with you.

I say, call her bluff, tell her you're going to call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. This will either wake her up and she'll take time to think things through or your M will end and both of you can move on. As painful as it is, living how things are now is hellish for you as you don't know if she is coming back or not. Take control.

August 3, 2013

As long as she feels you always will be there to come back to, she has no reason to end it with the other man. When cheaters ask for "space," what they really mean is that they want some time to explore the new relationship and decide with one they like more.

Tell your wife

that you took vows for in sickness and in health;
that if she wasn't happy, she could have just divorced you;
that you love her with all your heart, want her back, and want to prove yourself to her again, but are not willing to wait indefinitely;
that you can't bear to see her cavorting with other man and plastering their photos on facebook any longer and the time has come for a decision;
that she has two days to decide whether to try to make the marriage with you work or to have her "space" and the other man;
that no decision means she chose the other man.

Tell your wife if she chooses the other man, you are filing for divorce, you no longer you consider yourself married to her, and you may decide to find another woman who will be interested in a relationship with you. Then, file for divorce and move on with your life.

If your wife decides to come back later, you can reconsider your decision then.

Forget about the facebook blast or any type of exposure; everyone who is important to her already knows and has tried to influence her not to do it, she's doing it anyway. Any more just makes you look bad.

August 3, 2013

One of the biggest problems you have is that your wife doesn't care what YOU think about her, it's about how OTHER PEOPLE view her. At least, that's how it came across.

She has it in her head that if she ever went back with you, then she would always be viewed as the wife that cheated on her husband. And that's a shame that she doesn't want to live with. So, she would just rather move on and run from her past.

Dude, time to heal and move on. She lied during her vows when they said good times and bad; sickness and in health AND TO FORESAKE ALL OTHERS!

Time to find a girl that knows what those vows mean...

August 4, 2013

Thanks for the help. She has always been a person who cared about what other people think. I want to heal so bad. Ever moment of everyday I can't stop thinking of this crap.

August 4, 2013

I think you stand a tiny ray of hope. It may be a long shot but there are some things here where you stand a chance at reconciling.

Here's why. you chronically neglected her and wallowed in your issues. Yes she had some obligation to support you, not cheat and to give you fair warning of her dissatisfaction and needs before finding someone else.......but...... if you really look back you'll see that she probably DID give you warnings, you just didn't hear them and they didn't soak it. Or you did but chose not to act decisively on it.

People can only take so much neglect before they find a replacement or walk. She reached her limit.

The good news is that now you have recognized your role in her feeling abandoned and neglected. and you have shown genuine remorse. And you have taken steps to better yourself and take back your life.

She has recognized this improvement and that is indicated by her saying, "why didn't you do that back then?" That is her right for that resentment but it also shows she recognizes you are on a different track now.

Here's a couple things to give serious consideration.

The first is you need to truly think things through and decide if you truly want her back or not. I understand you miss what you once had and how things were back in the good days, but do you sincerely think you can forgive her affair and take her back and move forward? Would you rather put in a lot of work to reconcile and live with what comes with your wife, or would you be better off to continue to work on yourself and get your life back and hit the "reset" button and start anew with a clean slate with someone else?

If the answer is no, then keep working on yourself and strive for as amicable and as damagefree divorce as possible.

If you decide you do want to make an honest attempt at reconciling you have some work to do but it can be done.

- you need to get your wife's attention and come completely clean on your role how she felt neglected and abandoned and make a very sincere and heartfelt apology for it.

- Clearly state your desire to make things right and reconcile but demand that the R needs to take place in the marital home, you both need to sleep in the marital bed and her A must end immediately and go 100% NC with him for life.

- You need to contact the OM and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay completely away from your wife for life.

- You need to continue to give full effort to improve yourself and get your life back.

Now realize you may not succeed in getting her back and reconciling. The damage may already be too great. But if you do this with full effort, you will be able to sleep at night that you tried and you will be a better, stronger position to move on and recover and get a good life back after the divorce.

August 4, 2013

Dude, time to heal and move on. She lied during her vows when they said good times and bad; sickness and in health AND TO FORESAKE ALL OTHERS!

Time to find a girl that knows what those vows mean...

This is kind of a matter of degrees. If I sprained my ankle real bad and spent a weekend hobbling around the house and my wife couldn't take it anymore and went out and got herself a stud and moved out because she couldn't live without dancing and partying every night, I'd let her go.

But on the other hand if I came down with some kind of illness/injury and I became self-absorbed and I completely ignored her needs and basically abandoned and neglected her for years, I would have to expect her to move on and make a life for herself and I really wouldn't have any room to judge her for that.

Everyone has their limit. Some limits appear shallow and superfluous to others and some people stick with people that everyone else can't understand why they didn't leave years ago.

August 4, 2013

As long as she feels you always will be there to come back to, she has no reason to end it with the other man. When cheaters ask for "space," what they really mean is that they want some time to explore the new relationship and decide with one they like more.

Tell your wife

that you took vows for in sickness and in health;
that if she wasn't happy, she could have just divorced you;
that you love her with all your heart, want her back, and want to prove yourself to her again, but are not willing to wait indefinitely;
that you can't bear to see her cavorting with other man and plastering their photos on facebook any longer and the time has come for a decision;
that she has two days to decide whether to try to make the marriage with you work or to have her "space" and the other man;
that no decision means she chose the other man.
Tell your wife if she chooses the other man, you are filing for divorce, you no longer you consider yourself married to her, and you may decide to find another woman who will be interested in a relationship with you. Then, file for divorce and move on with your life.

If your wife decides to come back later, you can reconsider your decision then.

Forget about the facebook blast or any type of exposure; everyone who is important to her already knows and has tried to influence her not to do it, she's doing it anyway. Any more just makes you look bad.

I agree with all of this, except that if she went no contact with the OM and showed true remorse then I believe you could reconcile prior to divorce.

That said, I believe this is where ultimatums are appropriate. I would give the ultimatum and file after the two days if you don't see an appropriate turn-around. Filing for divorce is what can bring some reality into the fantasy world she is living with the OM. Personally, I've come to believe that filing fkr divorce should be the standard approach to infidelity and then you can wait and see. If she is on the fence at all, this will push her off if it. You cannot nice them back. And if she doesn't come your way, you're on the way to the divorce you need. Accepting unacceptable treatment is harmful to you. Regardless of your love for her, don't do it. Respect yourself and she may come to respect you.

August 4, 2013

As long as she feels you always will be there to come back to, she has no reason to end it with the other man. When cheaters ask for "space," what they really mean is that they want some time to explore the new relationship and decide with one they like more.

Tell your wife
that you took vows for in sickness and in health;
that if she wasn't happy, she could have just divorced you;
that you love her with all your heart, want her back, and want to prove yourself to her again, but are not willing to wait indefinitely;
that you can't bear to see her cavorting with other man and plastering their photos on facebook any longer and the time has come for a decision;
that she has two days to decide whether to try to make the marriage with you work or to have her "space" and the other man;
that no decision means she chose the other man.
Tell your wife if she chooses the other man, you are filing for divorce, you no longer you consider yourself married to her, and you may decide to find another woman who will be interested in a relationship with you. Then, file for divorce and move on with your life.

If your wife decides to come back later, you can reconsider your decision then.

Forget about the facebook blast or any type of exposure; everyone who is important to her already knows and has tried to influence her not to do it, she's doing it anyway. Any more just makes you look bad.

I agree with everything in this post but with one exception. And that is point #1.

I don't believe his wife left because he had a medical issue. I think she left because he shut her out and became self-absorbed.

Abandonment, chronic neglect and total lack of regard for the other's needs and well-being is just cause for moving on with their life. People vow to support and be the there for their spouse in sickness and in health, they don't vow to stick around even though they have been abandoned or shut out.

Someone can be sick and have medical issues and still take care of their spouse and still show them through word and deed that they are still important to them and still love and are there for them.

I am not saying that the affair was "right" but it is simply a fact of life that people need love and attention and affection and romance and sexuality and if their partner is neglecting those needs, they are going to seek it out outside of the relationship.

Yes, the proper procedure for that is to address the issue and give them the opportunity to correct it and then properly divorce them before you go out on the search but no one really does that and it is naïve to believe that everyone (or even very many people) will actually do that.

The vast majority of people are going to have plan B at least warming up on deck before making the break. That's just the way it is, right or wrong.

August 4, 2013

[*]that if she wasn't happy, she could have just divorced you;

Divorcing someone is just as much breaking vows as cheating. People seem to forget that. I believe there are situation when divorce is needed such as abuse or serial cheating. I am not against it. But just because you "fall out of love" and leave your partner doesn't mean you took the high road. You still betrayed your spouse. You neglected the "til death to us part".

August 4, 2013

Divorcing someone is just as much breaking vows as cheating. People seem to forget that. I believe there are situation when divorce is needed such as abuse or serial cheating. I am not against it. But just because you "fall out of love" and leave your partner doesn't mean you took the high road. You still betrayed your spouse. You neglected the "til death to us part".

My ex was banging the same OM for two years of our 4 year relationship. They used no protection, most cheaters don't they always lie about that, the exchange of body fluids is a big part of the rush they get from the affair(just like your wife did). She had his baby, told me it was mine and I raised him as my son for his first year of life. When the truth came out are you suggesting NortherGuy that I should have just manned up and accepted her affair child, kept her as my wife and opened my arms to OM accepting him in my life for the next 18 years because he has rights to his son? I guess I really screwed up in your eyes and the "til death to us part" by kicking her cheating ass out? I don't feel like I made a mistake.

August 5, 2013

My ex was banging the same OM for two years of our 4 year relationship. They used no protection, most cheaters don't they always lie about that, the exchange of body fluids is a big part of the rush they get from the affair(just like your wife did). She had his baby, told me it was mine and I raised him as my son for his first year of life. When the truth came out are you suggesting NortherGuy that I should have just manned up and accepted her affair child, kept her as my wife and opened my arms to OM accepting him in my life for the next 18 years because he has rights to his son? I guess I really screwed up in your eyes and the "til death to us part" by kicking her cheating ass out? I don't feel like I made a mistake.

I believe cheating is one of the acceptable reasons for divorce that do not break those vows. Well, bringing a little Jesus to it, even in the Bible fornication is acceptable grounds for divorce.

August 5, 2013

OP...damn I feel for you. I also have a chronic medical condition, and dealing with that crap sucks...all the medications, doctors, specialists, procedures...days of pain when nothing helps...I can get flares where I can't walk. I did neglect my family during these bouts...and also faced depression. It is hard. I know that my treatment of my h during that time was not always the most affectionate. It is a hard deal. So sorry you are going thru it. Take care of your self.

August 5, 2013

I totally understand my role and what I did. I have beat myself up and down since all of this came to light. People tell me to stop hurting myself by thinking about it. I still have my pain and it is a constant reminder of how I fudged up. I know my mistakes. I gave gotten help for everyone of my issues except the one that I can't get help for. I just Want one opportunity show that I'm a better person than i was before the pain. I don't want to ask for our old relationship. I want to ask her for a new one.

Edited August 5, 2013 by lostsoul469

August 7, 2013

I would like to hear opinions on the above matter but now I'm getting to the point of putting her on blast and posting a picture of her I found with this other guy on Facebook. Title being: Happy late aniversery oh wait that's the guy you've been cheating on me with for the last 4 months!" Lol. I dont care how it makes me look. I want to hate her but im such a nice guy.She is still blaming everything on me. She is not taking any blame on herself. I love her so much but fudge!! I didn't deserve that.

Please, don't do anything like this again. It's unfortunate, but it brings your reaction more to the spotlight than how wrong either of them have been.

Not in your favor. It's wrong and more wrong than I can say. When someone commits an atrocity on you (in past I was sexually harassed at previous job), there will be many attempts to suggest YOU brought the situation. I know you didn't want this any more than I wanted that pathetic looser, that had been rejected by numerous previous employees before my misfortune of that repulsive idiot's eyes on me.

If you were so bad, she could have done the right thing and left you before starting anything else. I understand your reaction. But that reaction will be used as a "see how he was, and why I did this".

Please do the best by you. Be the smart and dignified one. You already are. Just to be sure to show it, and stop yourself when you know you aren't thinking as clearly.

August 8, 2013

That said, I believe this is where ultimatums are appropriate. I would give the ultimatum and file after the two days if you don't see an appropriate turn-around. Filing for divorce is what can bring some reality into the fantasy world she is living with the OM. Personally, I've come to believe that filing fkr divorce should be the standard approach to infidelity and then you can wait and see. If she is on the fence at all, this will push her off if it. You cannot nice them back.

File for divorce? Not good enough. If you are in a typical situation where the H is the bread winner the H should GET a divorce. Not file. No matter if the WW wants to recon or not. Divorce. Now.

If recon is successful you can remarry. Or not. What does the WW have to fear if she never cheats again?

Every bread winner, BH or BW should divorce immediately to protect themselves. If the WS wants recon, then they can prove it without the benefit of legal marriage rights. By any sense of justice the WS should have lost those immediately they you took the AP to bed.

I'm the bread winner. I did it. My D will be final in a few weeks. I'm seriously attempting recon and really want it to work. But I'm not willing to trust my WS at this point at all. Much less trust WS enough to risk more spousal support than I'm already in for.

The opposite is true for BS that are attempting recon but are not the bread winner. Get a lawyer. Talk to him/her about how to protect yourself. If your WS wants recon, make your WS commit irrevocably to continue to support you financially, no matter what. Make it so even if you decide for no good reason that you are tired of trying recon.

If your WS really wants recon WS will agree. Just as WS that are not the bread winner agree to recon without marriage only if they really want to be with their BS. Its like a litmus test. It is a great way to not only protect yourself but find out what kind of person are you attempting recon with. Win win for the BS.

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I think ill just give up. :( BH

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