bolase Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 (edited) I've been seeing a new guy for about 6 weeks. We've done everything, met some of each others' friends, and we work together. He broke up with a long term serious partner a few months before we met. They were involved in intense creative projects together for many years. Right after their split, he told me that he began sleeping with his best friends' recent-ex. Apparently this was all good with his best friend, but not really with his ex, understandably. She booty called him the other day but he turned her down saying he is seeing someone. Anyway, I feel that we get on super well, but we are so different. He is darkly creative, I am outdoorsy and love nature. It's important to him that we create art together and he sees this possibility. To me its important that I learn with a partner, enjoy adventures together, and that they don't judge me (I feel a bit judged as he HATES all things mainstream). He became slightly distant last week, so I called him on it. I know he is a bit cut up about his breakup even though he instigated it, as she is now depressed and won't contact her family, and that the situation with his best friend's ex sounded quite involved, and I told him that I liked him but I felt was better he work through all that without me. He said that that would be really sad as he had stuff to work through, but the situation with his ex/other girls is done. He said he could see himself falling in love with me, he thinks its going somewhere (I feel that too), and that he's mine, and continually tells me how special and amazing I am etc. He doesn't want kids, ever, is thinking of getting the snip. For this reason alone I'm not sure if I should continue as I do want kids someday, but then part of me thinks he just has some growing up to do and in any case, kids aren't important to me right now. I also feel MASSIVELY intimidated by his being so involved with his ex in their creative visions and am not sure if he realises that we wouldn't be like that..or that it would be mixing of totally different artistic passions and on different wavelengths. I just don't know. Anyone know the feeling? Edited August 3, 2013 by bolase
Emilia Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I think I understand. I quite like men that are different from me, my current interest couldn't be much more different in terms of race, culture, creativity (I have none, he has plenty it's what he does for a living), he is a smoker of many things, I'm healthy, outdoorsy and sporty, etc but what we both have is an open mind and get on really well as a result. I like his weirdness and he likes my weirdness, there is also mutual respect. You seem to admire your boyfriend but would you say he is open minded? Or does he just value people who are exactly the same as he is? As for the exes, that sounds like a great mess. That might threaten your relationship more I suppose but then I don't know how 'complicated' he is. Some men (people) are good at shaking themselves free others get caught up in exes for years even when in a relationship. 1
Author bolase Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Whoa similar here. We are also from different cultures, he smokes and I'm pretty clean living. We both have very open minds and we can discuss anything, but his ex who he loved deeply was into the same things as him and from what I can tell behaved in a similar way. And he does judge the mainstream harshly. He reckons he is over things and I want to trust that. He seems to be a bit of a passive place at the moment, not that passionate about anything (except me?!). According to him sleeping with his friends' ex was "like a transaction", though of course if she still propositions him I suppose there's a way to go.
Author bolase Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 hmm,,,,,,,,, to much drama and insecurity and things you dont feel okay with dont you think/?????? he doesnt sound like someone that is in a good stage of his life to be dating anyone. he really need to clean up his life. and it doenst sound like a match to me. i think its sound like a dream to have a partner that love art 2. but if there is so much different between you and him and him not liking or at least having respect for your passion, what is it good for? look at it for the long time run. is this what you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life? and he wont change or stop if you marry him. no man will. so dont think marriage or kids will change him it will get worse. so now you both need to be on the same page etc. if its not, stop it now, before it becomes more messy. i dont think you will follow my advice. but at least you know it. lol Well, thanks, though he definitely has respect for my passions and has offered to lend a hand and has come hiking with me so you know, makes an effort even though
Emilia Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Whoa similar here. We are also from different cultures, he smokes and I'm pretty clean living. We both have very open minds and we can discuss anything, but his ex who he loved deeply was into the same things as him and from what I can tell behaved in a similar way. And he does judge the mainstream harshly. He reckons he is over things and I want to trust that. He seems to be a bit of a passive place at the moment, not that passionate about anything (except me?!). According to him sleeping with his friends' ex was "like a transaction", though of course if she still propositions him I suppose there's a way to go. So I suppose you are trying to work out whether he is with you because you are so different from the ex but perhaps she is the kind of girl he really likes?
Author bolase Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 So I suppose you are trying to work out whether he is with you because you are so different from the ex but perhaps she is the kind of girl he really likes? Yes..I'm not sure why he likes me so much actually..he says I am a mystery and can't work me out..which is not my aim! I actually think that's because I am slow at opening up to him, because I have these insecurities about us being so different, and him being on the rebound. I'm tryng to squash those fears.
Emilia Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Yes..I'm not sure why he likes me so much actually..he says I am a mystery and can't work me out..which is not my aim! I actually think that's because I am slow at opening up to him, because I have these insecurities about us being so different, and him being on the rebound. I'm tryng to squash those fears. You need to be with someone you feel comfortable with. However the being mystery part is a compliment and - if you are comfortable with it - it's a good way to be. Some men like women who are not your average submissive straight forward girl. Are you slow at opening up to him because you don't trust him and you are umcomfortable or are you like that anyway? Are you a people-pleaser or are you the more assertive type?
Author bolase Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 I am comfortable with it I guess. I am definitely assertive now but 5 years ago, I was a bit too much of a people pleaser..my job has helped me change that! Yep I trust him so far so good..he has been open with me. I don't trust that we are a good match, yet. And I definitely don't want to push him into anything, but by telling him I felt he has stuff to work through and figure out without seeing me it did in fact jog him into saying oh, we haven't talked about us yet, but yes Im in, so to speak! Another thing too, he says his recent ex accused him of cheating on her about 15 times. even with guys. He didn't cheat on her, but obviously there were some intimate and blurry relationships going on between him and his best friend and their group of friends. He said he has cheated on girls in the past, though. Personally I've never been burned by cheating so I don't really fear it happening, I just assume my partner is loyal and they have been so far. BUT again it's his intensity and need for a creative partner that is worrying me more than is useful :/
Emilia Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Another thing too, he says his recent ex accused him of cheating on her about 15 times. even with guys. He didn't cheat on her, but obviously there were some intimate and blurry relationships going on between him and his best friend and their group of friends. He said he has cheated on girls in the past, though. Personally I've never been burned by cheating so I don't really fear it happening, I just assume my partner is loyal and they have been so far. BUT again it's his intensity and need for a creative partner that is worrying me more than is useful :/ Weak boundaries is something to look out for. The 'once a cheater always a cheater' thing isn't always true in my experience because some people do grow up and are capable of deep regret AND learn how to set their boundaries. However what you are describing - coupled with what you said about exes - is an indication of weak boundaries in my opinion, this can manifest itself in many ways. I realise people experiment but that brings its own problems. He is considering having a snip, potentially weak boundaries, strong opinions about certain things... watch out for his consideration for others in general. 1
soccerrprp Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I've been seeing a new guy for about 6 weeks. We've done everything, met some of each others' friends, and we work together. He broke up with a long term serious partner a few months before we met. They were involved in intense creative projects together for many years. Right after their split, he told me that he began sleeping with his best friends' recent-ex. Apparently this was all good with his best friend, but not really with his ex, understandably. She booty called him the other day but he turned her down saying he is seeing someone. Anyway, I feel that we get on super well, but we are so different. He is darkly creative, I am outdoorsy and love nature. It's important to him that we create art together and he sees this possibility. To me its important that I learn with a partner, enjoy adventures together, and that they don't judge me (I feel a bit judged as he HATES all things mainstream). He became slightly distant last week, so I called him on it. I know he is a bit cut up about his breakup even though he instigated it, as she is now depressed and won't contact her family, and that the situation with his best friend's ex sounded quite involved, and I told him that I liked him but I felt was better he work through all that without me. He said that that would be really sad as he had stuff to work through, but the situation with his ex/other girls is done. He said he could see himself falling in love with me, he thinks its going somewhere (I feel that too), and that he's mine, and continually tells me how special and amazing I am etc. He doesn't want kids, ever, is thinking of getting the snip. For this reason alone I'm not sure if I should continue as I do want kids someday, but then part of me thinks he just has some growing up to do and in any case, kids aren't important to me right now. I also feel MASSIVELY intimidated by his being so involved with his ex in their creative visions and am not sure if he realises that we wouldn't be like that..or that it would be mixing of totally different artistic passions and on different wavelengths. I just don't know. Anyone know the feeling? He doesn't sound like a LTR match for you. I sense some serious core value and past ex issues that will dog you. It's great to be with someone who has differing views and allow you to grow, but you "feel" judged by his animosity towards the mainstream. I knew someone a little like that and realize that such differing views/perspectives, though malleable, often don't change. Good luck. 1
supaflyz Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Sleeping with his best friend ex right after they broke up? Oh please don't go out with this guy. I'm not here to judge anyone morals or values, but come on what kind of crap is that. He would no longer be my friend if I were his best friend. I never flirt with any of my friends girlfriend or ex. That just too low for me.
Treasa Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 In addition to what everyone else said, the issue about having kids...you want them, he doesn't. Don't assume he'll "grow into it" and change his mind. I don't think you two are compatible, and as soon as he "figures you out" I suspect he'll lose interest.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Right after their split, he told me that he began sleeping with his best friends' recent-ex. Apparently this was all good with his best friend, but not really with his ex, understandably. She booty called him the other day but he turned her down saying he is seeing someone. For a moment I thought you'd told of having a present boyfriend who had been sleeping with the (guessing-female) ex (girlfriend) of the now-boyfriend's best friend... and that the woman ('ex girlfriend of the best friend') wasn't ("all good") with those sexual encounters. But now I think I get it.
Author bolase Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Yes his bestie and that friends ex of course were ok with it, but my boy's ex isn't and accusing him of liking her/sleeping with her all along. Which is a reasonable feeling under th circumstances, if untrue! Thanks for all the replies, I think we need to communicate more often, and better, before I call it off. It is a complex feeling and I don't want to not give it a chance, but its very hard to relax not being able to share these feelings/doubts with him and just push through them and try to be chill an have fun!
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