bobwhite007 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Well f you are a hs principal we should probably talk. Do you know who she is? You say they work together? I know what you are going thru. Its no fun.
ChooseTruth Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) Sounds like I'm a little too late, but I was going to say don't reveal *how* you know... Unfortunately it makes it a lot less likely that they will come clean. My exwife didn't come clean until I showed her undeniable proof... but as soon as you show them how they got caught..back to square one and paranoia. I truly think for reconciliation to happen you NEED to be able to snoop and verify they are finally telling the truth. Kinda sick that snooping is required, but when dealing with a liar, you have to know if they've really changed. PLus, if they only fess up after you've prooved it anyway, what does that say about their honesty level? Not good... Do you really want to be with someone like that? Hold the proof as tempting as it is. and yeah I'm a hypocrite. I absolutely did they wrong thing in my case.. Edited August 19, 2013 by ChooseTruth
turnera Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 the fact that he forgave me for snooping (remember he told me I was wrong and that I had taken conversations out if context) so easily is what concerns me the most. It should. All it means is that he has some OTHER way to contact her that he knows you don't know about.
bobwhite007 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 It should. All it means is that he has some OTHER way to contact her that he knows you don't know about. Op said in first post that it was a woman he works with so yes theyhave another way of communicating. Unless somethings changed. I haave been following this thread closely because there seems to be somethings in common with my situation. I know its a longshot but there is a lot in common.
Author Heather1028 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Maybe I am just avoiding another scene because I just can't face it right now but I have allowed this to recede into the background except that I am hyper aware of every move he makes, every late night, every suspicious phone call out of earshot. It is exhausting and demeaning but better than the hell that confrontation brought on. I do not believe that he plans to leave me. We have built too much together and he continues to plan our life together. He knows that the boys would side with me. He professes his love for me and for the life that we have constructed. I cannot fathom why any woman would put up with this situation - if he is carrying on with the woman I suspect I do not think she is married but I know surprisingly little about her personal life. I just don't know - he is clearly having an inappropriate relationship with this woman but I just cannot understand how it could work. And yet I heard him lie to her as if to spare her feelings about me - as if he did not want to tell her we had just spent a great day together with my younger son. And she sounded wounded that he did not want to go see a movie as they had planned. And the thing is I know that he never intended to stay out that long and I didn't. I am so confused by this
2sunny Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) You know he's cheating - and lying and covering up. Yet you betray yourself by not speaking your truth - by not facing the reality of what he's really doing. I think most BS feel that the cheater isn't the person we THOUGHT they were - fact is - they just lie and pretend better than we think they could... But that's an even bigger sign of how broken they really are. He may have fooled you for years. He may have lied and cheated for years! He may have put your health at risk! He may have spent family money on another woman he's screwing! Why aren't you doing more to find out his truth? And why aren't you flaming mad at him? She was "hurt" because he planned a date for a movie with her! He's living a double life - at your expense and your peace of mind. What a total jerk! Hire a PI. It IS possible - considering he's grocery shopping with his OW! Edited August 21, 2013 by 2sunny
2sunny Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Well f you are a hs principal we should probably talk. Do you know who she is? You say they work together? I know what you are going thru. Its no fun. Op said in first post that it was a woman he works with so yes theyhave another way of communicating. Unless somethings changed. I haave been following this thread closely because there seems to be somethings in common with my situation. I know its a longshot but there is a lot in common. Bob - just stop. This is her situation. You know enough of your own situation and totally choose to do nothing. Allow her to address her situation without thinking it's yours.
bobwhite007 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Bob - just stop. This is her situation. You know enough of your own situation and totally choose to do nothing. Allow her to address her situation without thinking it's yours. why you gotta be so hateful. I am doing something. Its easy for you to sit there and give advice. Its hard to be where me and this woman are at. I like her don't choose do to nothing maybe we really don't know what to do. Maybe were scared as hell. He didn't know who I was but I talked to him on the phone today. He wouldn't tell me his last name and hung up on me. I know he drive s a red chevy truck. Heather iam sorry you are going thru this and I know exactly how you feel. Its a very harf situation we arr in. These peeps here have been thru it I guess and have healed. We (me) don't have anywhere else to turn and trying to keep it all in is exhasting for sure. It looks like we only have two choices. Turn a blind eye or leave. It makes more sense to me to stay and wait sooner ar later there gonna mess up big time and we will have all we need. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself first. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I have tried to examine my true feelings and I have to say that if I was 100% sure about this I would not be so hesitant to press this further. Yes my gut is telling me that this is true. But I HATE the way I feel about myself when I imagine telling him that I placed a recording device in his car- I think he believes that I overheard him on his phone again and that he dies not know that I actually put a device in the car. I think that one of the reasons that affairs are kept secret is just this- I hate what this has done to me because I feel like we should trust each other implicitly. Also this just does not fit his personality - and I cannot reconcile that. Anyway I find I am now observing him like a hawk- and the fact that he forgave me for snooping (remember he told me I was wrong and that I had taken conversations out if context) so easily is what concerns me the most. I am rambling...but this truly is driving me nuts. That's why you don't confront but just continue to gather evidence until you are sure enough of his cheating that it won't matter what he says. You previously said that a GPS wasn't an option right now. Why? If it's financial, then borrow the money from a family member. If you discover his cheating, the last things you will care about will be the money spent or how you got the information.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Of course it is not my real name. But the story is absolutely true. Maybe one of the perils of having so many smart phones. I am still searching and keeping a very close eye on what is going on. I do not have the energy to give a full account here but suffice to say that I really feel that he knows that my eyes are open, he regrets what he has done, and for now he is trying to extricate himself from the other relationship. It probably will not be so easy and yes I am aware that they may be "laying low" for now but I don't think so. I will NOT let down my guard and I will not be blindsided again. I do love him but I will never respect him again unless he comes clean. I hope that I do not have to catch him in the act for that to happen. I hope he just stops and comes clean and you guys live happily together for a long time. That sounds like a best case scenario based on what you are saying you want to happen. It would just be a good idea to mentally prepare for a worst case scenario as well, since right now you don't have all the info you need. Do you have a plan for worst case scenario?
Author Heather1028 Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I am trying to gather more proof. I meant a PI was not an option. I just have to find more creative ways to gather the info that I need I guess. Anyway I think someone misunderstood when I mentioned that on the recording the other woman sounded hurt that my husband was brushing her off...it was like they had made plans and he was backing out. I also distinctly heard him lying about where he had been before he got there. I had been observing his pattern and also the pattern of calls to her and I suspected he was on his way over to her house and turned out to be right. Anyway I am not concerned about her being hurt- quite the contrary. They made this mess and they deserve whatever pain and hurt this brings. I am simply trying to get across how mystifying this is. I get the whole gaslight reference, which is very insightful. And I will be VERY disappointed and angry at him if this turns out to be what I think. Yes I am pretty sure but not 100% and it still feels like I am missing a big part of the puzzle.
Author Heather1028 Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Yes I am prepared for the worst case scenario. I will be devastated, but not lost. I have a strong sense of my own worth and I know I would be able to cope. I have a very loving family and I am also close to his family. 2
2sure Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Go at your own pace Heather. We're here for each step. If you want suggestions , ask. I don't want to tell you what you should be doing because my way and your way might not work for you. My experience started with my feeling like you do. As suspicious as I was, the worse feeling was guilt at questioning him. Come to terms with the idea that even in a healthy marriage, questions and even verification are part of trust building continually. It's OK. 3
turnera Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Why can't you ask a friend to follow him, with a camera?
BetrayedH Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I am trying to gather more proof. I meant a PI was not an option. I just have to find more creative ways to gather the info that I need I guess. Anyway I think someone misunderstood when I mentioned that on the recording the other woman sounded hurt that my husband was brushing her off...it was like they had made plans and he was backing out. I also distinctly heard him lying about where he had been before he got there. I had been observing his pattern and also the pattern of calls to her and I suspected he was on his way over to her house and turned out to be right. Anyway I am not concerned about her being hurt- quite the contrary. They made this mess and they deserve whatever pain and hurt this brings. I am simply trying to get across how mystifying this is. I get the whole gaslight reference, which is very insightful. And I will be VERY disappointed and angry at him if this turns out to be what I think. Yes I am pretty sure but not 100% and it still feels like I am missing a big part of the puzzle. I can understand hesitation about a PI. When I knew about my wife's affair but hadn't yet confronted, she told me one morning that she'd have to return to work again that night after she came home to have dinner with me and the kids. I said that was fine (and quietly figured I'd catch her with the OM). I spent the day arranging for a PI to follow her that night. Cost me $250 and sure enough, she went straight to work, never left, and came straight home. I had hopedfor video documentation but got nothing but a bill. I couldn't spend $250 every time I had a gut instinct so I abandoned the use of a PI. It's such a shot in the dark that I typically recommend BSs do their own investigating.
solostand Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Youneed to know and you need to know now. Men you love can be evil manipulative cheats and still act like good husbands. I know because I was the OW until I decided to end it on my own accord, without a D-Day. LISTEN TO ME: Everyone who knows my MM would say he was the kindest, most gentle soul on the planet. Married 33 years - two grown children - very respectable front. Yet, when he and I got involved, he told me the most vile things. He told me he actually thought about KILLING his wife so he could be with me. What a rat bastard. Here's the best though: One day, he advised me I was going to meet his wife that day. I said WTF? He said she was going to be in charge of a table at a flea market that I was also going to be at for work. Then he said something along the lines of "I want to screw you right now so you can sit across from her knowing you have HER HUSBAND INSIDE YOU. So like a dolt I went to the flea market and did sit across from her. He phoned me three times during the event so I could have just walked over and handed her the phone and said "Here's your husband." She walked by me and it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. But I did. Out of insane loyalty to HIM. What he does not know is that I myself had a v-activated recorded in my purse at the time. I don't know why, but I turned it on that morning and have the entire conversation on tape and believe me, if, as a wife, I heard it, it would kill me. I think it was the fear of being thrown under the bus, as I have read so many times. I considered it my protection from that scenario. I could have simply handed it to her. I did not. I could send it to her in the mail today - I will not. But to her, he is a dutiful, loving husband. Many men are pigs.
Author Heather1028 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I understand why it would seem that I am cutting my husband too much slack because I have only posted minimal information here. Do not think that I do not grasp how wrong he is if he is having an affair. I have to say that I am not sure I know what this is really about - there is a possibility it is not sexual while still being completely inappropriate. Or it may be a full blown affair. I will keep posting as this plays out.
BetrayedH Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You're being very cryptic here, Heather. There's a lot of wisdom available here but your minimalistic approach to posting is kinda hindering what advice we can give. Are you afraid your H is reading here? What have you tried? What are you currently doing to investigate? You seem to be stuck but not sharing why. I'd like to see you get out of the limbo sooner rather than later. It takes a toll on you.
Recommended Posts