Second guessing is driving me nuts

[turnera]

he seems to put his family at the top of his priority list- I know that sounds bad but it is clear he was panicked when I suggested he may want to leave-he pointed out he spends most of his free time with family and we are the most important thing in the world to him

Yeah, except for getting some on the side. Oh, and grocery shopping with her!

 

You are being foolish to drop this. You should now demand that he stop seeing her, that he change jobs, and that he allow a GPS to be put on his phone and on his car so you can monitor.

 

DO NOT DROP THIS! As you said, this is your one chance. If you don't demand that he change this, you are GIVING HIM PERMISSION to keep cheating.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, I do know what I heard. I can't say I have no doubts, but I totally get the gaslight reference above. I am not the jealous type and all the snooping the last few weeks and betraying the trust of someone I should trust implicitly by placing a recorder in his car has just felt wrong. It has also been emotionally exhausting. I cannot believe that he would let me feel like I was totally to blame because he seems to feel like that is the only way to keep me from knowing the truth. Don't get me wrong I do not feel that I am in the wrong. But he was clearly willing for me to feel that way to keep from confronting this. Trust me when I say that outside of THIS he is a caring, kind and loving man.

 

So besides lying, cheating, and gaslighting you, he's great.

 

My belief is that you need enough proof so that YOU don't have doubts.

 

What action are you going to take?

[turnera]

You need to take some of the money that he's spending on his mistress and hire a PI to get more proof.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes, I do know what I heard. I can't say I have no doubts, but I totally get the gaslight reference above. I am not the jealous type and all the snooping the last few weeks and betraying the trust of someone I should trust implicitly by placing a recorder in his car has just felt wrong. It has also been emotionally exhausting. I cannot believe that he would let me feel like I was totally to blame because he seems to feel like that is the only way to keep me from knowing the truth. Don't get me wrong I do not feel that I am in the wrong. But he was clearly willing for me to feel that way to keep from confronting this. Trust me when I say that outside of THIS he is a caring, kind and loving man.

 

Heather I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It is beyond exhausting.

 

Let him make his own excuses. Don't make them for him. He is doing his own cover up, and he is doing a GREAT JOB. He doesn't need any help from you.

 

Your job is to be silently inquisitive, not to second guess. You can't figure this out without more information. You are going to run yourself ragged. You have 1 or 2 pieces of a big puzzle and you are trying to figure out what all the possible combinations of the missing pieces could be to complete the puzzle, because you don't like some of the possibilities.

 

I am so sorry he has put you in this position. It's not your fault, you don't deserve this.

 

Again-

 

It's not your fault, you don't deserve this. But it is happening. And it won't go away, no matter how hard you try to make sense of it and make it be ok, until you have the actual, real truth.

 

Normally you can turn to your husband for comfort and look to him to tell you the truth. That is no longer a fact, at least not in regards to this matter. He is still the father of your boys and everything else seems normal, but for this ONE THiNG- dont believe a word he says, and don't talk to him about it.

 

Try to get some exercise, yoga, walk, anything- get some strength together and some clarity and get back on your search for the truth. The longer you put yourself through this, the more damage you are doing to your mental health in the long run. You need to take care of YOU so you can be a good mom for your kids. Sticking your head in the sand won't help. He is doing this, NOT YOU. You didn't cause this and you don't deserve it, but you do need to do something about it, because it is your life.

[Artie Lang]

first, you were in denial; now you're just burying your head in the sand.

 

this man is manipulating you. but hey..... aside from this, he's a "great dad," right?

 

oy vey.

[Heather1028]

I guess it is pretty easy for some people to judge me. However before I throw a nuclear bomb into what was once a happy family I want to assess all of my options. I know very well what I have lost and that I have been manipulated. I have been married to this man for over 20 years. He is not perfect obviously, but we love each other. I may or may not be able to forgive him. I have told him that I am not satisfied with his explanation and he brushed me off again and I have dropped it for now. PI is not an option right now.

[Artie Lang]

nobody's judging you. certainly not me.

 

all i'm saying is- PROTECT YOURSELF!

[Spark1111]

I guess it is pretty easy for some people to judge me. However before I throw a nuclear bomb into what was once a happy family I want to assess all of my options. I know very well what I have lost and that I have been manipulated. I have been married to this man for over 20 years. He is not perfect obviously, but we love each other. I may or may not be able to forgive him. I have told him that I am not satisfied with his explanation and he brushed me off again and I have dropped it for now. PI is not an option right now.

 

I understand how shell-shocked you are, I truly do.

 

You are deciding to turn a blind eye to his extracurricular dalliances as long as you can keep the facade of happy family life and this may work for you, your family, and your status quo.

 

But what if it doesn't? What if he falls in love or lust with one of these women and she wants what you have; his home, his children and his financial resources?

 

if you could gaze into a crystal ball and see you may be his first wife, now divorced as he marries a younger trophy, would that motivate you to protect yourself? Your future? Your children's future?

 

Jeez.....I hope so.

[turnera]

We are not judging you. We are WARNING YOU. We have seen hundreds, thousands of women just like you come here with the same story. We've watched this play out, over and over. So we know what works to stop cheating, and we know what doesn't.

 

"Dropping it for now" does not stop the cheating. If you're dropping it so you can keep snooping, that's one thing. If you're dropping it so you can pretend he'll be faithful now, you're kidding yourself, and you'll find yourself here in a couple more years, with yet another affair.

 

The only thing that works when a spouse cheats is STRENGTH. It's psychological, the reason behind it. If you accept what he did and he does nothing to restore your faith, to make up for it, you are TEACHING him that you will stay no matter what he does.

[crepesuzette]

Heather,

 

I am sorry you are going through this. If your BH isn't hiding anything and it is just a work relationship, then there is NO reason whatsoever to be deleting the texts. Your gut is screaming and I am afraid to say I believe you are right. What you need to do to get the hard evidence you need is get a Voice activated recorder. Put it in his car, most cheaters do have conversations in the car. I am sure you will find the hurtful evidence very quickly that way. In my case the MOM contacts me from his work phone and a second email from work. His wife has no way to trace it. He is very good at what he does, most are not as clever. Good Luck and please try to find someone in your life you can confide in so you have support no matter what the outcome.

[vera345]

Heather, I would drop it for now and spy on him. If he isn't telling you the truth- you will found out. If he does- no harm, he didn't do anything bad.

 

You can't simply drop it. If he has an affair, your only chance to stop him is to EXPOSE it. Otherwise, it will get worse. He will know that YOU KNOW and that you let him to get away with it and he will not respect you for this. No respect = no love, he will treat you worse than now, you watch it.

 

I would do everything to find out the truth, this is your only chance to save your marriage. You can beat it but you need to know the facts. Right now, you are operating without knowledge. You have no idea what is coming. Wouldn't you rather know?

[SidLyon]

Sorry you're going through this Heather.

 

It wouldn't be you "dropping the nuclear bomb" It's him.

 

I've been where you are now. In early 2005 I discovered my fWH in a very big lie. It concerned where he had been in our car on a particular day. Basically I found out that he couldn't possibly have been where he said he was. While he eventually admitted the lie he manged to twist everything around and blame it on me. He said he was actually at the library and gave a plausible reason for lying to me. At that point I asked him if he was having an A with a librarian, which of course he denied.

 

Little did I know but the A he had been having with a librarian named Oksana, had been going on for 3 years already, and that the car had been used for a "meeting" with her. More than 3 years later, in late 2008 was d-day, the day I actually found out about his infidelity.

 

I'd like to think that if I had more to go on as early as 2002, or even 2005, that I would have found out much sooner than in 2008. My H was very clever in concealing his A. I considered him a good Dad and he did/does love his kids.

 

I guess I'm saying don't make the same mistakes I did. I was not a head in the sand person or a turning blind eye sort of person, but I did trust him when I shouldn't have.

[bobwhite007]

This all sounds to familiar to me . I would say Heather is not your real name?

I suspect that my husband is engaged in a long term affair with a woman he works with. I have had suspicions in the past but somehow I convinced myself that I was wrong. He is a good husband and he is good to me and our boys. We spend a lot of time together and we even have a respectable love life considering that we have two full time jobs and 3 kids (2 grown boys in college still living at home and one still in grade school).

 

My husband does disappear for hours at a time which is explained by the type of work that he does. For various reasons I now believe that he is very careful and very clever at keeping this under wraps and that it has been going on a long time. My recent suspicion began when he called me and accidentally left his phone on. I answered but he did not hear me - I could tell the line was still live and then I heard a woman's voice and I almost passed out when I thought I heard him say "we should get a hotel next week". The two of them were in the car and it sounded like they were grocery shopping together of all things.

I decided that I needed proof. I did confront him a few years ago about this same woman - and he lied so I felt he would lie again if I did not have evidence.

 

I have been checking his cell phone calls - he talks to this woman and they text many times per day. He NEVER mentions her name in my presence - and based on what I have found out about her they would have a lot in common so the fact that he never mentions her is odd. I have other clues but nothing concrete. I have peeked at his cell on occasion since and he meticulously deletes all messages from her or to her. He also watches his phone like a hawk.

 

I am dying to know the truth - I feel so betrayed but at the same time I have doubts and I want hard evidence before confronting him so there is no room for doubt. I feel that if I confront him with no real,proof he will bury it even deeper and I will never know the truth - I want him to face up to this.

 

Am I wrong?

[Zenstudent]

This all sounds to familiar to me . I would say Heather is not your real name?

And if it isn't - you would be her husband?

[bobwhite007]

And if it isn't - you would be her husband?

No not hers

[Heather1028]

Of course it is not my real name. But the story is absolutely true. Maybe one of the perils of having so many smart phones. I am still searching and keeping a very close eye on what is going on. I do not have the energy to give a full account here but suffice to say that I really feel that he knows that my eyes are open, he regrets what he has done, and for now he is trying to extricate himself from the other relationship. It probably will not be so easy and yes I am aware that they may be "laying low" for now but I don't think so. I will NOT let down my guard and I will not be blindsided again. I do love him but I will never respect him again unless he comes clean. I hope that I do not have to catch him in the act for that to happen.

[bobwhite007]

Well f you are a hs principal we should probably talk.

Of course it is not my real name. But the story is absolutely true. Maybe one of the perils of having so many smart phones. I am still searching and keeping a very close eye on what is going on. I do not have the energy to give a full account here but suffice to say that I really feel that he knows that my eyes are open, he regrets what he has done, and for now he is trying to extricate himself from the other relationship. It probably will not be so easy and yes I am aware that they may be "laying low" for now but I don't think so. I will NOT let down my guard and I will not be blindsided again. I do love him but I will never respect him again unless he comes clean. I hope that I do not have to catch him in the act for that to happen.

[turnera]

for now he is trying to extricate himself from the other relationship. It probably will not be so easy

Seriously?

 

"OW, I am returning to my wife and I can never speak to you again. Please do not ever contact me."

 

Gee, that was hard.

[beatcuff]

heather,

 

if i am reading this correctly you had suspicions and were looking to confirm (not deny). you think you found it, but his strong denial is questioning that finding.

 

if you read the thread "Did she cheat?" you will find that persons see what they want.

 

the truth either way is there is a serious martial breakdown. either he is having an A or you are consumed with a falsehood.

 

if you want to be right --- then follow the suggestions provided. the trouble is how could H prove a negative (the other thread that OP went to great lengths and i am still not certain there is anything).

 

if you want resolution --- time to find an IC and/or MC.

 

IMO he is and has been for quite sometime.

[Mycteria]

He will absolutely NOT come clean unless he thinks you are going to divorce him. You have been given great advice here. We have all heard your story a thousand times. We know how to save your marriage. You ABSOLUTELY MUST:

 

Kick him out.

Tell the OW husband

Tell all your friends and family (affairs thrive in secrecy)

File for divorce (even if you don't plan on following through)

 

He will eventually come crawling back. This is the only way to save your marriage and come out of this even stronger than before. When he does come back, demand 100% transparency. You get access to all email accounts, Facebook, phone, bills, etc. You are allowed to keep the VAR or GPS in his car. He must answer any and all questions you have about the affair. Whatever it takes.

 

By doing this you will save your marriage and he will realize the consequence of his actions. You have the upper hand - he does truly appear to love you and your family. Make him prove it.

 

If you disregard this advice, then the failure of your marriage is equally on your hands as well as his.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Mycteria

[Heather1028]

I have tried to examine my true feelings and I have to say that if I was 100% sure about this I would not be so hesitant to press this further. Yes my gut is telling me that this is true. But I HATE the way I feel about myself when I imagine telling him that I placed a recording device in his car- I think he believes that I overheard him on his phone again and that he dies not know that I actually put a device in the car. I think that one of the reasons that affairs are kept secret is just this- I hate what this has done to me because I feel like we should trust each other implicitly. Also this just does not fit his personality - and I cannot reconcile that. Anyway I find I am now observing him like a hawk- and the fact that he forgave me for snooping (remember he told me I was wrong and that I had taken conversations out if context) so easily is what concerns me the most. I am rambling...but this truly is driving me nuts.

[2sure]

I felt the same way initially , ashamed at the thought of violating my husbands privacy. But like you, my suspicions were strong. I knew I was being lied to.

And like you, I had previously asked questions .

 

This is something that you are doing. This is something that is being done to you.

[anna121]

Actually, that is GREAT if he thought you just overheard something.

 

Do not tell him about the VAR!!

 

You need to get a hold of yourself and be extra nice to him. Make him think everything is ok. Do not be obvious about your snooping.

 

You could even apologize for the fight.

 

Do what you need to do, to get him to drop his guard.

 

Do not lose control again!

[2sure]

Heather...the whole idea of gaslighting is that it ultimately does drive you nuts. It makes you, over time, question not only your own instincts but also what is right in front of you. red flags become you being paranoid, even to you.

 

If you choose , for your own personal reasons to stay married and never mention your husbands affair to him....I'll support you. I will if you come to a point when you acknowledge it. Accept it, and make a choice. But right now, you're totally gaslighted. I know, I was you.

 

I hate most that it's driving you nuts.

 

Either way, whether you decide to pursue, confront, and make changes or to do nothing further...therer is something you have to think about.

 

You might choose what you do because you want to keep your family together and happy. YOur husband has been making decisions without you, about your life. What makes you think he has no future plan?

[BetrayedH]

I remember that feeling well. I spent probably a good hour at the spy store looking at the GPS device. I was on the fence for days. A friend finally told me that if it were her, she would need to know. So I broke down and bought the damn thing, figuring my marriage was over if it were ever discovered. Or if I found nothing, that I would have to lie forever about having used it.

 

I sure don't regret that decision now. I caught her at a hotel from 10pm to midnight on the first download (when she was supposed to have been at work). I visited the hotel and requested a duplicate receipt (which they provided) and found that she was part of the hotel's club. I guessed at her login and found 17 recent stays. Yikes. She later admitted to 30 stays at various hotels. I ultimately discovered that it was more like 60-70 hotel stays over the duration of her 13 month affair.

 

Did it match her "character?" Not as far as I knew. We'd been together for 18 years, married for 12, two great kids, two good jobs, two cats, nice home we'd built, never really fought at all, blah, blah, blah. I was totally blindsided.

 

Glad I bought that darn GPS thing.

Edited August 18, 2013 by BetrayedH