If we are still together at 40 let's get together

[selina_ballerina]

My best friend and I made a pact back in our teens that if we were single at 40 we would get together.

 

Well we are both now 40, we are both single (divorced). We often have a laugh and a joke about it over a few drinks but I never ever thought we would follow through.

 

Three months ago after a friends wedding my friend was staying at my place and we stayed up and continued drinking when we got home. She said it was time and leant over and kissed me. Now I don’t know whether it was the alcohol talking or whether I secretly wanted it to happen but I didn’t stop her and we ended up sleeping together. We spent the entire next day in bed and caught up in the moment I enjoyed every minute of it.

 

But a few days later in the cold light of day I was not sure how I felt anymore. She kept leaving messages and emails saying how much she loves me and how we waited so many years for this and she couldn’t be happier. I told her about my fears and she has been very understanding. We have been together a number of times in the last few months and I really feel at ease with her now.

 

I really do love her, but I am not sure how I feel about the relationship, this was the first time I had ever been with another woman and I think I am still coming to terms with that. I am not sure whether my reluctance is because of the way my family will react when they find out or whether it is truly me who has reservations.

 

She is now hinting very strongly that she wants us together as a couple, the idea from a purely personal level really excites me. But being the rational person that I am I thinking of how having a “lesbian” mom will affect my kids.

 

My parents, especially my dad, will just not accept this. They are too old and I have too much respect for them to put them through this “embarrassment” (that is how they will see it). My brother and sister have been great, they have both told me to go for it and just be happy. My other brother has pretty much already disowned me because I have slept with her already (he is my dad’s son, my dad will react the same way).

 

If my ex husband finds out he will be angry. He pressured me for years for a threesome and I always said I was not into women. This will really get under his skin. Not that that is a bad thing

 

If we were to have a private relationship where nobody knew I would be right into it. Making this all official, putting this out into the public eye, scares me. I am not sure I am ready to be judged by family and friends, not to mention teachers, co-workers etc etc etc.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope with the potential judgement of others? Did you put yourself before family or does family always come first?

[ForeverHopeful1]

Usually, anyone who loves you, will love you regardless of your sexual preference. Family and friends will come around eventually. Your father and brother may not, so consider that. How important is their opinion of you, to you?

 

It may take a little getting used to, however, I believe most people get over it once the shock wears off. PHEW! Thank heavens for that.

 

The problem is, once you expose yourself in this light to friends, family, coworkers, etc., you are then known as the "lesbian." Although I hate this, kids are still very cruel and you would have to think about your children being picked on or bothered at school about it too. I guess that's not always the case, but I know it has been for a few friends of mine. I think kids are the least of your worries though. We think kids are mean? Adults are worse!!! Lol.

 

I would have a long talk with your friend and let her know what you have shared here. Let her know you really would like to have a relationship but that you are not entirely sold on letting the world know right now. See what she has to say?? She may be ok with keeping things quiet until youre ready, but just know, one day, this will not be enough for her and she will want to go public and want everyone to know you are a couple. Keeping things quiet may work for a short time, but not forever.

 

How do you think your own children would react? It is a little shocking when Mommy only ever dated/married men, and then at 40, she starts dating women. Some people may think you are having a mid life crisis. Lol.

 

I think you should do what makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place. Don't deny yourself happiness because your father is old fashioned and try not to judge the world too harshly. They will get over it and will be on to the next shocking story in no time.

 

One quote that has always resonated with me I, “If you knew how little people thought of you, you wouldn’t worry how little people think of you.”

[HiddenUser]

Holy crap. As I was reading this I didn't see what the problem was, but then it was revealed that you're both women. That's pretty different. This is a very tough situation. I don't have enough life experience to comment, but I want to wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[selina_ballerina]

Your father and brother may not, so consider that. How important is their opinion of you, to you?

 

He is my dad, I don't share his old fashioned values, but he is still my dad, I don't want to hurt him. We barely spoke for a year after I left my ex-husband. He was abusive and a cheater but my dad still thought I should be the obedient wife.

 

I guess that may be a positive is a weird and twisted way. If he eventually came around after I left my husband maybe he will eventually come around after I tell him I am dating a woman. One can only hope.

 

I would have a long talk with your friend and let her know what you have shared here. Let her know you really would like to have a relationship but that you are not entirely sold on letting the world know right now.

 

That has already been done and she has been very supportive but she is already hinting that she wants to let the world know and it has only been three months. I can't expect her to wait and stay behind closed doors until I work up the courage to tell the world who I really am.

 

Her parents already know and they are the most wonderful people. I was there when she told them and it was just an instantaneous smile from both of them because their daughter was now happy. I wish I had parents like that.

 

How do you think your own children would react? It is a little shocking when Mommy only ever dated/married men, and then at 40, she starts dating women.

 

I think they will be shocked, maybe embarrassed but ultimately accepting. I hope I have taught them well enough to respect others but with their nan and pop always saying that "poofs are bad" and the like you can never tell how much rubs off.

 

My kids are 17yo twins, 15 and 11, all girls. From what I can see of their character they will be ok, but it's totally different when it's so close to home so it could go all pear shaped.

 

My girlfriends (it still feels weird saying that) kids are 17, 14 and 11 the middle one a boy. They are so happy for their mum, I hold hope that mine will be the same.

 

I think you should do what makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place.

 

I think so too but I guess a big fault of mine is that I am too analytical and making that jump is a scary thought. I want to tell the world that I love my girlfriend but as soon as I start to think that, all the "what if" scenarios jump in my head and I confuse myself as to the right way to go.

[selina_ballerina]

As I was reading this I didn't see what the problem was, but then it was revealed that you're both women. That's pretty different.

 

Please don't take this as a personal attack because it is not in any way meant that way. But when you initially didn't see a problem and then once you knew we were both women you then realised that it was a problem is the exact attitude that I am wary of.

 

I love someone, I want to be with them, why can't everybody just be accepting of that?

[HiddenUser]

Please don't take this as a personal attack because it is not in any way meant that way. But when you initially didn't see a problem and then once you knew we were both women you then realised that it was a problem is the exact attitude that I am wary of.

 

I love someone, I want to be with them, why can't everybody just be accepting of that?

 

Haha, that's not the impression I meant to give you, so my apologies. What I meant was, I saw how tough of a situation it really is because of the fact that you're both women. I was thinking your parents wouldn't approve of your choice based on the merit that "he" (or she, since I didn't know your gender either) wasn't good enough for you. That seemed silly, and I would've simply said to go for it! But for you, it's so much more difficult because your family might very well disown you for it, and that's a tough burden to bear. My ideology is, if you love someone, then it shouldn't matter what other people think. At some point you have to stand up to your family (not you, but in general) and say enough is enough. My mother was with a man for 10 years who wouldn't defend her from the negative comments his family made about her. She eventually divorced him and moved on. The next man in her life did the same thing, but eventually wised up.

 

Seeing this while I was growing up has given me a strict ideology. Any woman I'm ever with shall have my full attention, whether I love her or not. I won't let my family degrade her in any way. It's just about respect. If you don't have enough respect for me to respect my love life, then I don't need you in my life. I refuse to surround myself with negative people, even if they're my own family.

 

Just take a step back and ask yourself how YOU feel. Do you really love her, or are you doing this because of some promise you made years ago? I think when you can answer that, you'll have your answer. Again, I really wish you the best of luck. I wish you didn't have to go through this.