Should I ask out my swimming instructor?

[365daysgone]

Sent again. Check your spam. Subject is "hey".

[Skyraider829]

Sent again. Check your spam. Subject is "hey".

 

I got it, I will review in a while as I'm kind of busy at the moment.

[365daysgone]

Ok thanks.

[365daysgone]

I sent another one after you said your media player didn't work. Did you get that email?

[Skyraider829]

I sent another one after you said your media player didn't work. Did you get that email?

 

I got it and listened to it. Here's my rundown:

 

*First thing's first: This is what I think about it, the final outcome is up to you to discern.

 

She sounds like a nice girl to me, and no offense, but you seemed a little nervous. No worries though, it takes balls to ask a girl about going out so don't fret over it.

 

Its hard to tell by people's vocal tones but she doesn't sound uninterested or put off at all. I'm assuming she thinks of it as being casual. She gave you her number, that at least tells me that she definitely is willing to consider an outing. It sounded like she was somewhat busy during the phone call. Do you two get along pretty well?

 

Have you called her since then?

[365daysgone]

I was nervous, yes. This thread sums up my nervousness. I realize now though, having done it that you guys were right - there was really nothing to be nervous about. We do get along. She is pretty outgoing though so that might be why she is easy to get along with. I don't think she was busy, I really take her tone as being very very surprised. I think that I really caught her off guard. She was probably expecting an inquiry about further lessons not a coffee invitation. I haven't talked to her since. I'm thinking a text mid-week. What do you think?

[Skyraider829]

I was nervous, yes. This thread sums up my nervousness. I realize now though, having done it that you guys were right - there was really nothing to be nervous about. We do get along. She is pretty outgoing though so that might be why she is easy to get along with. I don't think she was busy, I really take her tone as being very very surprised. I think that I really caught her off guard. She was probably expecting an inquiry about further lessons not a coffee invitation. I haven't talked to her since. I'm thinking a text mid-week. What do you think?

 

See, it isn't that big of a deal. Definitely a fun event, but not something terrible.

 

Hey if she took it as a surprise, then way to go - don't stop communicating.

Now that you mention her expecting further inquiry in regard to swimming lessons, her tone does seem to reflect that. Like I say, it can vary from person to person.

 

Oh yeah, definitely shoot her a text if not call her again. Keep up on the contact.

[Lansing]

My suggestion is to not analyze it so much. You are making yourself nervous by thinking about it/her. Text or call her a few days after she said things would settle down for her. Do NOT record the next conversation, nothing good will come out of analyzing it more and more.

[365daysgone]

I know, Im just in the habit of recording myself in social situations so I can see what I need to work on with my social anxiety. It's been deleted now and no more thinking about it. We'll see how it goes. I'm over the hard part at this point.

[pie2]

I haven't read this whole thread, but I congratulate you on getting the courage up to ask out your swimming instructor. Well done!

 

Because I haven't read through everything, forgive me if this has already been mentioned. But have you worked through the possibility of her saying "no"? I mean, how you'll react if that were to happen? I don't want to be a downer! Just realistic. There is a chance that she has been friendly with you because you are involved in a business transaction with her. You help pay her salary. So of course that changes a little how she will treat you.

 

If, for whatever reason she ends up not interested, please don't despair. You are doing the right thing in asking her out, just to see if she's interested.

 

However, recording conversations doesn't seem very typical. If I found out someone had been recording me secretly, I would probably stop contact with that person. Why do you do that to improve your social interactions? Is it because you have social anxiety? Or do you like everything you do to be perfect?

[365daysgone]

I haven't read this whole thread, but I congratulate you on getting the courage up to ask out your swimming instructor. Well done!

 

Because I haven't read through everything, forgive me if this has already been mentioned. But have you worked through the possibility of her saying "no"? I mean, how you'll react if that were to happen? I don't want to be a downer! Just realistic. There is a chance that she has been friendly with you because you are involved in a business transaction with her. You help pay her salary. So of course that changes a little how she will treat you.

 

If, for whatever reason she ends up not interested, please don't despair. You are doing the right thing in asking her out, just to see if she's interested.

 

However, recording conversations doesn't seem very typical. If I found out someone had been recording me secretly, I would probably stop contact with that person. Why do you do that to improve your social interactions? Is it because you have social anxiety? Or do you like everything you do to be perfect?

 

Scroll back a few pages to find out what her answer was.

I record conversations to see the speed of my talking (usually too fast) or the evidential nervousness in my voice. It helps me with my social anxiety. Just something Ive been doing lately as I work on veclming more relaxed in social situations.

[pie2]

Scroll back a few pages to find out what her answer was.

I record conversations to see the speed of my talking (usually too fast) or the evidential nervousness in my voice. It helps me with my social anxiety. Just something Ive been doing lately as I work on veclming more relaxed in social situations.

 

Isn't the ultimate answer still pending? She was busy, and asked you to contact later? That isn't a definite yes.

 

I just don't want you to feel defeated if she ends up not interested... Because you've accomplished a lot in just the asking.

 

But I don't think you should record people without them knowing. I feel like it's a violation of privacy. Maybe ask a friend to go with you on social situations, and give you feedback on how you're doing?

[365daysgone]

True. Maybe I shouldn't have recorded the conversation. But that's why I only showed skyraider, because although I appreciate everyone's advice, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have called her the next day. Anyways, whatever happens from this point, I am fine with because, yes, the asking is the accomplishment, not the answer. She is going back to school in a few weeks anyways soI really just wanted to make a friend out of this. We will see.

[Skyraider829]

True. Maybe I shouldn't have recorded the conversation. But that's why I only showed skyraider, because although I appreciate everyone's advice, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have called her the next day. Anyways, whatever happens from this point, I am fine with because, yes, the asking is the accomplishment, not the answer. She is going back to school in a few weeks anyways soI really just wanted to make a friend out of this. We will see.

 

Right you are my friend, asking was the accomplishment and its wise of you to be open to the possibilities of her response.

 

This is just me talking, but I would think you would make an excellent friend to her. It would be really interesting to see if she does take you up on drinks, and if she does, let us know how that conversation goes.

 

You still are going to send that text?

[365daysgone]

Of course I am going to send the text. Everything at this point should be nice and easy.

[Skyraider829]

Of course I am going to send the text. Everything at this point should be nice and easy.

 

Good, just wondering.

 

Are you feeling more confident about her?

[365daysgone]

Yes. Honestly I feel more confident and optimistic about everything since I asked her. I started talking with this girl online and as much as I hate the idea of online dating, I am just using it to meet and converse with people. But I am realizing how much opportunity I have in life. I can do anything I want. I can move to another country if I want to, I can change jobs if I want to, or just outright quit my current job and I can most definitely ask someone out if I want! It's great. This is the first time in my life that I have seen how much opportunity there is in the world.

[Skyraider829]

Yes. Honestly I feel more confident and optimistic about everything since I asked her. I started talking with this girl online and as much as I hate the idea of online dating, I am just using it to meet and converse with people. But I am realizing how much opportunity I have in life. I can do anything I want. I can move to another country if I want to, I can change jobs if I want to, or just outright quit my current job and I can most definitely ask someone out if I want! It's great. This is the first time in my life that I have seen how much opportunity there is in the world.

 

That is totally great man, this is turning out to be a great unfolding of positive events.

[365daysgone]

Ok so I sent her a text and asked how her packing was going. I asked about her schooling and stuff I said something that implied I was in school an she texted back saying "oh so you're in school now?" I said yes and told her the school I'm in and such. And no text back in a day and half. Nice. So I'm gonna say she is not interested? Do I really have to ask about the coffee again? She said in the texting that she hasn't even started packing for school yet. Hmm...

[Skyraider829]

Ok so I sent her a text and asked how her packing was going. I asked about her schooling and stuff I said something that implied I was in school an she texted back saying "oh so you're in school now?" I said yes and told her the school I'm in and such. And no text back in a day and half. Nice. So I'm gonna say she is not interested? Do I really have to ask about the coffee again? She said in the texting that she hasn't even started packing for school yet. Hmm...

 

Maybe she started packing after you sent the text? I thought I'd toss that out in the wind. If you tell her what school you're in and that's it, then that would be a declarative statement, right? If someone said that to me, I may not respond either. Take it indifferently. Sometimes you need to carry the conversation.

 

Have you tried asking her about her general interests and that sort of thing?

 

It sounds to me like you don't want to ask about coffee again. Are you embarrassed to do it? Its up to you. You either ask again or you don't.

Edited August 23, 2013 by Skyraider829

[365daysgone]

Well this is what I was thinking too but throughout the texting I was asking her questions and she was giving answers. Then I was asking follow up questions and she asked me one question and I gave an answer and that was it. And I even talked to a guy at work who said "you think she would ask you what you are taking" and I said "this is exactly what I said. Wouldn't this be your natural responce?" I kind of set her up to ask that.

 

Bottom line is that if she was interested in me in anyway, she would have continued talking. I discovered she has a lot of female friends too. And in my opinion a girl with a lot of friends is only going to meet up with a guy if she has romantic interest. And if she had romantic interest in me, the texting would still be happening. As for asking about the coffee again, based on what I just said, I won't be asking again. If she doesn't even continue texting, the coffee is unlikely. Also, I am definetely uncomfortable asking again. Am I wrong?

[Socks At Play]

I realize now though, having done it that you guys were right - there was really nothing to be nervous about.

 

I too am a bad over-thinker when it comes to women. I feel like the universe even gives me mulligans from time to time with certain women, and I find ways to mess those up or let them pass by. When I just stop thinking about it and go for it I am always pleasantly surprised. Even if the answer isn't what I wanted, I still feel much better knowing over inaction and adding another regret to a very long list of regrets.

 

So congrats on making it over that mountain. I'm sorry to hear she seems to have gone silent, but remember there are a lot of other potential women out there waiting for you to ask them out on a date.

[Skyraider829]

Well this is what I was thinking too but throughout the texting I was asking her questions and she was giving answers. Then I was asking follow up questions and she asked me one question and I gave an answer and that was it.

 

This is a bit dichotomous. On one hand she answers you, which is good. Its polite, she isn't blowing you off by not responding. She could just be polite. She asked you a question in turn and you provided an answer and then it went cold. Is that a bad thing? I can't really tell. My interpretation differs from yours.

 

And I even talked to a guy at work who said "you think she would ask you what you are taking" and I said "this is exactly what I said. Wouldn't this be your natural responce?" I kind of set her up to ask that.

 

Here is something that is apparent to me: No conversation really flows and feels comfortable if you are setting it up too much. Its the natural conversations that go well and are fluid, smooth and continuous. You have to set it up to get it rolling, but when you are continually setting it up again and again, it starts to feel one-sided and kind of strange. I can't give an answer. But some individuals don't respond as you would expect. Does that mean they don't like you? No, but what good is my answer if you're the one on the phone anyway? Some people may enjoy your company and not always return an answer. Why? Its beyond me.

 

Bottom line is that if she was interested in me in anyway, she would have continued talking. I discovered she has a lot of female friends too. And in my opinion a girl with a lot of friends is only going to meet up with a guy if she has romantic interest.

 

Do you care if she has a romantic interest in you or not? When this first started, you didn't really seem to care. You can always tell her that going out for drinks is just to get talking, and possibly be friends and that's it. Maybe she's backing off because she assumes in her own right, for whatever reason - that you like her in that way and she isn't ready for something romantic in nature.

 

And if she had romantic interest in me, the texting would still be happening.

 

A lot of girls like a guy because their interest is romantic. Yet some do like guys for platonic reasons. I'm not saying this is the situation, but it helps to be open-minded. Again, its hard to make heads or tails of your circumstance with regard to her.

 

If she doesn't even continue texting, the coffee is unlikely. Also, I am definetely uncomfortable asking again. Am I wrong?

 

It could be unlikely. I don't think you are wrong or right. I say the best position on this situation is to go neutral. There is nothing wrong with occasional contact with her from time to time, is there? My idea is this: You set this issue on the backburner for now and come back to it later. Maybe text her again in a week from now. Actually, forget about a coffee date. Occasional texting could be sufficient for now.

[365daysgone]

1. I wasn't intentionally setting anything up in the conversation. I just meant by me making my statement, there could have been many follow up questions from her. No responce though? Like I said, she has a lot of friends...a lot of texts too probably...I don't think I take priority. For me...if anyone sent me a text, I'd keep it going because I don't get many.

 

2. No I do not care if she has romantic interest in me. I'm just saying that someone with a lot of friends is probably not going to make time for a new one, you know? If there is romantic interest then they may be more willing to make time though. As for me, I don't care either way. It's funny...after I had asked her out, within like two days, my infatuation had kind of died. Its almost as if I was more infatuated with the asking than with the girl. I still would have loved to have went for a coffee but oh well.

 

3. This is exactly what I was thinking! I will just text her every once in a while. The first time in my life, I have a girls number. Probably doesn't seem like much, but I've never had one before. Haha. So whatever. I'll just text her every once in a while and such. A little anti-climatic considering this whole thing consumed 3 weeks of my life but now I know better and I need to learn to control infatuations. At least I have made a contact.

[Skyraider829]

1. I wasn't intentionally setting anything up in the conversation. I just meant by me making my statement, there could have been many follow up questions from her. No responce though? Like I said, she has a lot of friends...a lot of texts too probably...I don't think I take priority. For me...if anyone sent me a text, I'd keep it going because I don't get many.

 

Some people are a little different from what you expect, I've met some that are like that. Actually, sometimes even I could be like that. Someone could ask me a question and I, not in any way being rude, would just drop off the line. I stopped that a long time ago though. And yeah, you're the newbie in her list of contacts so priority isn't going to be number one - and that is to be expected.

You and I have some similarities in our present circumstances, I lost contact with all of my friends years ago from school. I have none where I live that I meet up with in person.

I was able to get back in contact with some from several years ago but they are all the way out in SoCal, one is in the U.K. and the other up north in Canada. We keep in touch on FB and that's it. So if I got a text from someone new, I would also keep up on the contacts since I'm not in a ring of many friends.

 

2. No I do not care if she has romantic interest in me. I'm just saying that someone with a lot of friends is probably not going to make time for a new one, you know? If there is romantic interest then they may be more willing to make time though. As for me, I don't care either way. It's funny...after I had asked her out, within like two days, my infatuation had kind of died. Its almost as if I was more infatuated with the asking than with the girl. I still would have loved to have went for a coffee but oh well.

 

Maybe since the infatuation sort of died down, it would be easier to befriend her - if the opportunity presents itself. At least then you can think more clearly. I don't think that someone who has lots of friends won't make time for a new one, no. That depends in large part on the person in question.

 

3. This is exactly what I was thinking! I will just text her every once in a while. The first time in my life, I have a girls number. Probably doesn't seem like much, but I've never had one before. Haha. So whatever. I'll just text her every once in a while and such. A little anti-climatic considering this whole thing consumed 3 weeks of my life but now I know better and I need to learn to control infatuations. At least I have made a contact.

 

It would be a great idea. But even then as you point out, you did make some kind of accomplishment; You got her number.

I learned to control infatuations a long time ago, I cherish clear thinking over emotional surges. So that way, when I know she likes me, I'm in for something and not just deluding myself into wishful thinking. Like the saying goes, "Follow your heart, but don't leave your brain behind" and it certainly applies.