fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I've been reading a fair bit on this forum the past few weeks and it has really really helped me. It has made me aware that I share many similarities with other OW posting here. But also each case is unique. However I do feel there is a big difference between entering into a PA with a MM if they lie to you at the start and you think they are separated/divorced - than starting a PA with someone you know is already committed. Okay I can admit that I did wrong not to walk away as soon as I found out he was with the wife - but it was after 8 months. Basically she moved back into his house around 6 months in. But by then my feelings, my dreams, my hopes, my love were firmly entrenched. I have finally broken away after 18 months - but I think OW in a similar position to myself have that extra bitterness to deal with that we were lied to from the start. I have an anger inside me, that he led me on when we met, lied he was single, made me think this was something for the future. Why did he pick on me I wonder? Why did he let me fall in love with him, why did he say he loved me when he was with the wife?? I put everything into it as I thought this was a 'real' relationship. I gave him 100 percent. I thought this was someone I could spend the rest of my life with, build a home and life with. He knew he could not promise all the things he did promise me, if he had a wife as well! I feel stupid that I perhaps did not see the red flags early on that he was not as separated as I thought, I feel stupid he was able to fool me for so many months. I do feel stupid I did not walk away when I knew the truth. I feel so guilty too. My father had affairs and I had always vowed it was something I would never, never do. Get involved with someone who was already committed, or cheat on anyone. So this has gone against all my morals too. I feel like a fool really.
Goodbye Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I've been reading a fair bit on this forum the past few weeks and it has really really helped me. It has made me aware that I share many similarities with other OW posting here. But also each case is unique. However I do feel there is a big difference between entering into a PA with a MM if they lie to you at the start and you think they are separated/divorced - than starting a PA with someone you know is already committed. Okay I can admit that I did wrong not to walk away as soon as I found out he was with the wife - but it was after 8 months. Basically she moved back into his house around 6 months in. But by then my feelings, my dreams, my hopes, my love were firmly entrenched. I have finally broken away after 18 months - but I think OW in a similar position to myself have that extra bitterness to deal with that we were lied to from the start. I have an anger inside me, that he led me on when we met, lied he was single, made me think this was something for the future. Why did he pick on me I wonder? Why did he let me fall in love with him, why did he say he loved me when he was with the wife?? I put everything into it as I thought this was a 'real' relationship. I gave him 100 percent. I thought this was someone I could spend the rest of my life with, build a home and life with. He knew he could not promise all the things he did promise me, if he had a wife as well! I feel stupid that I perhaps did not see the red flags early on that he was not as separated as I thought, I feel stupid he was able to fool me for so many months. I do feel stupid I did not walk away when I knew the truth. I feel so guilty too. My father had affairs and I had always vowed it was something I would never, never do. Get involved with someone who was already committed, or cheat on anyone. So this has gone against all my morals too. I feel like a fool really. I should have been more clever to notice the signs that he wasn't separated. After our first week long trip together, I was hooked. He did a lot of future faking, and I think the future faking allowed me to not look to closely at the present. Honestly, I think he wanted all the things he was claiming, he just didn't have the backbone to go through with it. Getting sucked in to a relationship which wasn't as it seemed really did anger me. In some ways, it is good...I've let the anger fuel me in my recovery from the relationship. Forgive yourself. 1
Author fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I should have been more clever to notice the signs that he wasn't separated. After our first week long trip together, I was hooked. He did a lot of future faking, and I think the future faking allowed me to not look to closely at the present. Honestly, I think he wanted all the things he was claiming, he just didn't have the backbone to go through with it. Getting sucked in to a relationship which wasn't as it seemed really did anger me. In some ways, it is good...I've let the anger fuel me in my recovery from the relationship. Forgive yourself. Thank you. Yes I think mine wanted all the things he was claiming too, but also didn't have the backbone. He was living in a fantasy world that one day would come crashing down. I will be careful in the future to take notice of any possible red flags when I meet another man - but also for that same reason I am going to take time to concentrate on myself rather than throw myself back in the dating pool. I don't want to become some paranoid, clingy girlfriend because I might think I am being told lies. I have never been like that and do not intend to turn into a woman like that either...
So happy together Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I've been reading a fair bit on this forum the past few weeks and it has really really helped me. It has made me aware that I share many similarities with other OW posting here. But also each case is unique. However I do feel there is a big difference between entering into a PA with a MM if they lie to you at the start and you think they are separated/divorced - than starting a PA with someone you know is already committed. Okay I can admit that I did wrong not to walk away as soon as I found out he was with the wife - but it was after 8 months. Basically she moved back into his house around 6 months in. But by then my feelings, my dreams, my hopes, my love were firmly entrenched. I have finally broken away after 18 months - but I think OW in a similar position to myself have that extra bitterness to deal with that we were lied to from the start. I have an anger inside me, that he led me on when we met, lied he was single, made me think this was something for the future. Why did he pick on me I wonder? Why did he let me fall in love with him, why did he say he loved me when he was with the wife?? I put everything into it as I thought this was a 'real' relationship. I gave him 100 percent. I thought this was someone I could spend the rest of my life with, build a home and life with. He knew he could not promise all the things he did promise me, if he had a wife as well! I feel stupid that I perhaps did not see the red flags early on that he was not as separated as I thought, I feel stupid he was able to fool me for so many months. I do feel stupid I did not walk away when I knew the truth. I feel so guilty too. My father had affairs and I had always vowed it was something I would never, never do. Get involved with someone who was already committed, or cheat on anyone. So this has gone against all my morals too. I feel like a fool really. I really think that both OW and BS's really feel for the woman who was pulled into a relationship with a man who they thought was single only to find out later they are married. For most OW, we at least knew our MM was married and, even if we loved them, could make a choice. That was taken from you. Of course you are angry. He took your power. But. now you are out of it. You will be okay. Try to hang in there. I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. Sometimes all we can do is just... muddle through until we feel better. Chin up. 3
Red Wolverine Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 This confuses me. If xMM had lied about being married, it would have been easier to end it. For me, it would have meant I was manipulated from the start. Just my POV. 1
Author fanine Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 This confuses me. If xMM had lied about being married, it would have been easier to end it. For me, it would have meant I was manipulated from the start. Just my POV. But finding out after 8 months when you are really and truly in love - and think this is the one? Yes I was totally and utterly confused. I tried to end it but he pursued me - I was in love with him - it was so hard to end it. He proclaimed that he would sort it all out, that we would be together. That he realised I was the one, that he needed to sort things out at home. Yes I should have said okay come back then when that is all sorted, but I guess at that point my mind and heart was doing cartwheels. Th emotional rollercoaster then started.....I followed my heart rather than my head. I guess though like for all of us in our situations, it is only something one can really understand in ourselves...I should have ended it then, but my feelings for him, despite having being lied too, were too strong. Foolish me...
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