My 33 yr old son in EA....what do I tell him?

[NotCamelot]

I just found out a few days ago that my son is in an EA. He lives in KY and the AP is in VA.

 

He is 8 years married with a 7yr old daughter and a 2 year old son ( with Down's syndrome ). The AP is in the last few days of divorce proceedings - waiting on the judge to sign. She has two kids. She is also 33 yrs old.

 

 

I know he has been unhappy for a while. His wife is a professional student. She never stops going to school. When they started living together 11 years ago, the deal was that he'd support them while she finished college, then she would do the same so that he could get his degree. But she keeps changing her course so that she can stay in school. In the meantime, he has to keep working to support everyone all by himself.

 

The W is also a big spender and, when this is brought up, it causes huge arguments. She refuses to be frugal.

 

And, ovbiously there are a lot of other things. I have witnessed many times how verbally abusive she is to him. And frequently contradicts his authority in front of the children.

 

Anyway.......he says that his W knows nothing at all about his thoughts. He works about 20 hours overtime everyweek to keep from going home. He tells me he hates to be there with her. His words to me: "Dad, all I am is a paycheck to her."

 

I really hate this for him. I don't know what to say. He does not know what I have been through in the last year and half. I also don't want him to know.

 

So how do I tell him to make this kind of life decision without the AP in his thoughts? I am in Georgia, his mother also lives in Georgia. He has no family there.

 

I guess that since my D-day was only 15 months ago, I am still way to judgemental in regard to affairs. I immediately want to chastise him for getting involved with someone while married. I know that is probably the wrong thing to do. But it is how I feel now. You'd think I would be in the perfect position to give him advice. But I can't speak objectively. The thought of it sickens me. It hits way too close to home for me now.

 

I am worried both for and about him/them.

[compulsivedancer]

How interested is he in staying in the marriage? It sounds like the marriage needs to be addressed. He needs to either fix it or divorce. It might be easier to discuss this with him than the A.

 

On the other hand, if you did talk about your struggle (I don't remember if you are BH or WH?), it might help him understand the devastation caused by affairs, and it might actually draw you closer (or it might make him resent you....these things are a pain in the butt, aren't they!).

 

I'd talk to him and follow your gut during the conversation. See where he's at and decide from there what to talk to him about. One way or another, though, it's not sustainable. He'll need to end the A or the M.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I think the important thing to do is to remind yourself his situation is not a mirror image of yours. I'm assuming you were the BS, not the WS?

 

In any case, it's understandable that you'd have an emotional response to this. But I stress this again; his situation isn't yours. You haven't divulged anything to him. Why is that? Are you worried about how it will impact his relationship with you, or his mother? Or is it out of shame?

 

In any case, he has come to you; perhaps seeking counsel, perhaps just requiring a shoulder.

 

When he speaks to you of the affair again-as he probably will, what with him not knowing the emotional impact it's having on you-try to remain objective. Don't chastise him for the affair, so much as for entering one as a means to dealing with his marriage troubles.

 

More importantly, give him advice about his marriage; the affair is strictly emotional-at least at this point. Given that, and the fact that his wife is more than likely a gold digger, I think it takes a back burner to his clear misery, being with this woman, and supporting her while dealing with her over-spending of the money, while she does nothing.

 

Your his dad, and it sounds like he really values your input. Do the best you can...and if it will help, be honest with him about what happened in your relationship.

 

I'm sure you can help him through this difficult time, and get him out of both the affair, and this miserable marriage. If not out of the latter, perhaps you can help him fix it.

[2sure]

Well , the EA isn't going to help him solve any of his marriage problems.

It will probably make them worse.

While you can understand the escape he may get from the EA, it is just that.

He needs a game plan , possibly with a divorce arbitrator, and definitely without an affair.

 

He is deep with this marriage.

[Realist3]

It is always easy for people to take a black and white stance towards cheating, but it is always a whole lot more complicated that what necessarily meets the eye. If he is finding some happiness from his EA I would say, say nothing. Let him work out what he wants to do.

[2sure]

Well that's just what I said. The affair isn't the main issue here. He needs to focus on what's happening in his marriage...it's imploding.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not one of those "grey" people. Your son has an obligation to either fix his marriage or end it. It ain't complicated. His engagement in an affair does nothing toward fixing his marriage and he is betraying his wife. If he's so dissatisfied with the marriage, he should release her so she can pursue happiness just like he is doing.

 

I'm also of the mindset that you need to grow a pair when it comes to sharing your past regarding affairs with him. I can understand not wanting the world to know (I'm not a fan of widespread exposure) but this is your son. You have learned an immense amount about affairs and your son needs your wisdom. What do you say to him? As much as he can stomach.

 

Help him to either fix his marriage or end it. Put your shame and that of your wife's on the back burner because your son needs you to help him remove his head from his ass.