First time dumpee

[SoonMyFriend]

Well, long story short my boyfriend just dumped me last night. We've been together 8 months, and while that doesn't seem like a long time compared to many of the BU here, it was a great 8 months for me and I was very happy.

 

It basically was just a case of "he wasn't the into me". His feelings weren't progressing at the same speed mine were and he didn't want to string me along. He said it was a conclusion he just came to recently. (We haven't seen each other much this month due to travelling, work, and family events).

 

Basically what I am here for is... I have never been dumped before. I have no idea how to start getting over him. So LS... how do you do it? How do you move on from a broken heart?

 

How do you get over someone who just didn't feel a spark with you?

Edited August 2, 2013 by SoonMyFriend

[LME]

I had my first real breakup about 2 months ago.

 

First thing first, you need to accept the breakup. Whatever romantic relatioship you had in the past is over. Do not contact him, it will make it worse. Do not try to be his friend anytime soon, it will make it worse.

 

Delete every trace of him from your life right now. Fbook, texts, pictures, etc.

 

I know this sounds extreme and almost impossible but it will help. After my breakup i was constantly only thinking about the good times, how i wanted him back, reading our texts that were saved in my iphone, looking at his pictures on fbook etc etc. It was NOT HELPFUL. I ended up seeing him a few weeks later,I did get some more closure but it really was a pointless meetup. At that time i had no control over my emotions and had no clue what i wanted.

 

That day i got home and delted all texts, pics, fbook, etc. It helped TREMENDOUSLY.

 

I now realize i was trying to hold on to something that I KNEW was not even there, a fantasy relationship if you will, i realized i was more hurt because i was the one who actually got dumped, i knew our spark had been gone for a few months but a part of me did not want to face the reality. Our breakup was pretty amicable and i dont have any harsh feelings towrads him. Once i wiped all the texts etc out of my life i was really able to think about the relationship and put irrational emotions aside and realize i had been feeling the way he had, i just didnt end it before him.

[unexpectedlyhere]

It's really tough but you try to accept that this is how life turned out.

 

You try to take away all opportunities for him to come back into your mind, and concentrate on yourself. 100%.

 

Do what you like doing, get distracted, see new people. 8 months isn't a short time for intense feelings to develop, but the good thing about it is that you can still remember life before it pretty well, and likely live in similar conditions to how you used to before the relationship. Get out with friends more, do things you'd stopped doing, add some new hobbies.

 

Good luck! We're all with you

[SoonMyFriend]

LME what you said at the bottom, the fantasy part, is so true to me here. He was my first boyfriend after a serious LTR (and some casual dating) and I think I built this guy to be my future husband before we got past the first date. I kept trying to make sure I stayed in reality, but I could tell in recent weeks I was starting to ignore some warning signs about his personality that I knew wouldn't bode well for a LTR...

 

But damnit, it still hurts. It's just really hard for me to think I will be a catch to someone else.

 

His reasons for ending the relationship were:

-his feeling weren't on the same page

-he had moments where we'd be hanging out and he would realize he would rather be on his own (and not even doing something else, just plain being on his own)

-He doesn't know if being single for a few years prior to me meant it has left him a bit selfish and tied to the ability to do what he wants when he wants (I by no means was smothering him either we would hang out max twice a week so he had plenty of time on his own)

-he think he isn't wired for relationships, that he just prefers his own time

-he said he didn't feel that spark, that emotion where you really miss that person when they aren't around

 

I also think he is afraid of relationships. He never really worked hard at anything in his life, and he still takes the easier way about things. He doesn't have a lot of passions in life, and he really just coasts along. I think he didn't like the idea of having to commit to someone and then work at a relationship. He always said the idea of marriage scared him (we were never talking about US, it would usually come up when discussing other people). I was doing a lot more work in the relationship....

 

But man... guys... it still hurts. I still miss him. Please tell me this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is horribly wrong goes away, right?

[theonlyjuan]

I had the same breakup as you.

 

I felt like crap for the first few weeks. I tried to look for answers but there just aren't any, it's a waste of your time.

 

 

I went to the gym a lot

I saw my friends

I listened to music

I did things I enjoy

 

 

You have to get used to being on your own again. It's hard at first but u find your routine again and start to enjoy it.

 

 

I'm doing things for my own good. I am putting me first. I think it's the only way to improve yourself and be happy again. I'm doing all the things I need to do and when my life is sorted and I'm totally happy , hopefully the right person will come into my life. I'm in no rush, don't force it.

 

 

Just think to yourself that it wasn't meant to be. Try to make the best out of any situation. The right person will come along when they are meant to and the time is right.

 

 

Anyone can love again. Just pick yourself up and rebuild yourself

[lovesucks76]

OMG, this is the same thing my girl said before. She was a loner and didn't have many friends. She'd rather spend time alone than with anyone. These people are broken and lonely and they don;t really know what they want. I ended my relationship after 4 months because I saw the writing on the wall. I had tried at to break things off at 2 months since I was falling for her but she said "I will always love you and don;t want to lose you" so I stayed and was happy until month 4 when I noticed she wasn't into me like I was into her. It sucks but I ended things this past Saturday to protect my heart. It hurts like hell today but it's better to happen sooner than later, right?

[JDPT]

The first step is to analyze and internalize what occurred in the relationship and view it from a very objective perspective. Although it hurts, you must understand that people change, feelings change, it's life. I think most of our mistakes come from viewing things from our perspective such as: what did I do wrong? how come he/she doesn't love me? why didn't I do things differently? What we fail to realize is that it takes TWO to make a relationship work or destroy it. Know that you will have ups and down and at times you will feel as if you are strapped to an emotional rollercoaster with no way of getting off, but eventually you will get off and things will start to gradually get a bit better. Reroute your thoughts when you think of him, focus on the many things you can do to improve/feel better not for anyone else but only for you. As cliché as this may sound, its all in the mind, you can train your brain to believe whatever you want. Know that this is recovery and we all have a long road ahead of us with a ton of work to do but as the saying goes "joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain." And one day all this pain will make sense to us, be strong, I wish you the best.

[SoonMyFriend]

I am sorry to hear that some of you went through the same thing I am going through, but it helps a lot to hear similar stories.

 

Lovesucks, I think you said it perfectly: " These people are broken and lonely and they don't really know what they want."

 

I am just finding myself getting stuck in the "what if's" and blaming myself, even though all of the reasons he gave me for splitting were on him.

 

The biggest thing I am regretting is I was waiting to have sex with him. I was out of a LTR and wanted to take my time getting to know someone before jumping into bed. We did other things in the bedroom, just never advanced to sex. Now I am feeling like my fear of failing him in the bedroom really killed our relationship. Part of me wants to become a FWB just to prove to myself I could have sex with him and could have had a great sexual relationship with him. (Back story, I have struggled with vaginismus in the past and wanted to make sure I was ready because I wanted to avoid having the issue come back)

 

But of course, as a friend of mine said - it takes two to have sex and he always said he was good with our intimacy and that sex wasn't the problem when I flat out asked him if it was when he was breaking up with me.

 

Please reassure me, LS, that mind-blowing (or even good sex) wouldn't have changed everything? That it would have only prolonged the inevitable?

[SoonMyFriend]

Another question for the LS crowd... the week before we broke up we actually spent several days in a row together (something out of the ordinary for us)

 

I know that following that week together was when he had the clarity about wanting to end things. After that week I went away on vacation with a friend and returned to the breakup.

 

So how do I stop myself from fully blaming myself? My thought process today has become stuck thinking that I was so awful to be around for those few days it convinced him to end things. For example - he made reference to my competitive nature and said he could see himself getting annoyed with how sometimes I'd compete over little things. I said I was often only joking with how I'd compete about things, but it's something I try not to do often as I am aware I can be competitive.

 

I know that week was really the tipping point, and that other things would have soured us but how do I reassure myself that this breakup wasn't just about me? I want to be able to find my self esteem again.

 

And sorry LS... I am just going to come here every now and then to vent and ask questions as I try to work through this.

[Scofield]

You don't blame yourself, first of all, because there is nothing for you to blame yourself over. Talking about a competitive nature is rarely a tipping point in a relationship. As hard as it is to say, there really is no easy way to go through a break-up. As others have said, work out, go out with friends, and LIVE WELL! Even if you do these things though, there will most likely come a time when you are alone, and sad, and will find yourself thinking about everything all over again. That's why you have friends on here to help. Good luck. You're not alone on this, trust me.

[reddragon588]

Well, long story short my boyfriend just dumped me last night. We've been together 8 months, and while that doesn't seem like a long time compared to many of the BU here, it was a great 8 months for me and I was very happy.

 

It basically was just a case of "he wasn't the into me". His feelings weren't progressing at the same speed mine were and he didn't want to string me along. He said it was a conclusion he just came to recently. (We haven't seen each other much this month due to travelling, work, and family events).

 

Basically what I am here for is... I have never been dumped before. I have no idea how to start getting over him. So LS... how do you do it? How do you move on from a broken heart?

 

How do you get over someone who just didn't feel a spark with you?

 

Length of relationships doesn't really matter, and honestly, it can be harder when it is less than a year as you are still in the "honeymoon stage". Read around this board and the coping board, it is very helpful! You will hear a lot about NC (no contact), which is going to be your best friend. Start a new hobby! Call a friend you haven't talked to in a little while and catch up. Spend time with your family. You can do this!

 

EDIT: Also, I was just reminded as I just went, but double down on going to the gym/working out/exercising. This will really help in the short term as it will lift your mood (you get a great natural high from working out that will last a while and lift your spirits) and the long term as you will be healthy, in shape and confident about yourself!

Edited August 7, 2013 by reddragon588

[SoonMyFriend]

Thanks everyone, coming here and venting is really helping. And redragon I agree - I was still very much in the infatuation stage with this guy so I think a lot of my sadness is just withdrawal from having him around. I am slowly coming to fully accept we weren't a match, but man do I miss him and his physical prescence.

 

I've begun making a lot of lists and letters... so to anyone going through a breakup I'd also do the same as me...

 

-I wrote down all of the reasons why we're better apart (and I keep adding to it everyday)

-I wrote down all of the reasons I liked him, and wrote at the bottom they are all qualities I will find in someone else

-I wrote down all the reasons I am a great partner

-All the reasons why sex wasn't our biggest problem, and why it wouldn't have saved us

-All the ways I want to improve myself to make myself happier with me

-I made a list of questions I would ask my ex today and then wrote out his answers (and I made sure to mark down which answers he has already given me himself so I remember that I already got those answers from him)

-I wrote a letter saying goodbye to his family and friends that I had begun to get close with

 

Tonight's "homework" is to write a goodbye letter to him, and then a letter to myself. The letter to myself will be giving myself advice as if I were an outsider. I think these two letters tonight will be the most helpful.

Edited August 8, 2013 by SoonMyFriend

[SoonMyFriend]

I'm just here to vent again... to try and get it out of my system.

 

I'm feeling very sad. I want him back. I want him to come back to me and tell me he's going to be a better partner, that he's realized he doesn't want to be on his own that he wants me back in his life. I want him to apologize for hurting me. I want him to say that he's realized he was falling in love with me (not the other way around). I want him to say that everyone is right - that he made a huge mistake throwing me away. I want him to say that he's going to show me more affection, make me feel special and beautiful. I want him to say he's going to put more effort into our dates, have more ideas of what to do, and be more open to what I want to do. I want him to say that I am the love of his life and wants to try again. I want him to say he's been miserable without me. I want him to admit he can believe in love and that he can love someone and that someone is me.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is all pathetic. But it's how I am feeling today. Even as I type this I know it's all stupid and just basically me wishing for him to totally change, but that's where I am at.

 

One day at a time I suppose.

[SoonMyFriend]

Me again... so now I'm angry. I'm really angry he took the easy way out in our relationship and just didn't put the effort in.

 

I feel like I was cheated out of a real chance to get to know him and make something work with him. I feel like yelling at him. I feel like shaking him and saying "you only failed because you didn't try!!" and that he can't give up on love, HE'S ONLY 28! Before us, he didn say to some friends he thought he'd be single forever. Then we got together. But now he's saying "yeah I do feel like being on my own more. I'm too selfish" and friggin too lazy to put the work in. UGH.

 

I just don't get it!! How do you go from missing me, telling me wonderful things to just NOPE we're done! How do you go from telling me that after hearing someone complain about relationships you realize what a special person I am and how great it is to be with me to realizing you just would rather sit in your room alone and DO NOTHING with your time.

 

I mean, I do get it deep down - I've been there, I know feelings can change, but UGH I STILL DON'T GET IT.

 

Sorry... I just need to get this out of my head so I don't sit here thinking about this all day.

[unexpectedlyhere]

The anger is good, when I went through that feeling cheated out of making the relationship into what I thought we deserved (and you know, we'd been together six years so I was already thinking children etc. etc.) it helped me see him as the one that didn't want to put the effort in, the one that didn't deserve me.

 

Now go out and do stuff. Don't obsess over the relationship. Just BE. ALIVE.

[SoonMyFriend]

You are right - I am obsessing. It's what I do. I am an obsessive thinker. I overthink things to the max.

 

This is why I am taking everyone's advice and living for the now - I am heading on vacation. Just booked it. I need to get away. I need to clear my head.

 

Then when I get back, I am going full-tilt with my therapy to get my mind under control and my life back on track.

 

Seriously, I am obessing over an 8 month relationship that I know deep down wasn't going to work. I can't let this guy ruin my chances at happiness.

[Apparition]

This happens to everyone at some point in their life. We all get dumped by someone we feel is "the one". However, I can tell you that from my experience that we get over that feeling. The whole broken heart thing is something you need to be patient for, it takes time to heal and get over. It's almost like when someone dies, you are grieving for them, for the memories and everything you both shared. There are grieving stages you go through in order to get over a person. It's quite extraordinary how our minds work and our hearts through this process.

 

I was told by a few people that crying helps a lot, they cried for two weeks straight until there was no more tears left to cry. However, this doesn't work for some people. Crying, I mean. When my ex dumped me I probably cried for a few seconds and then I found it really difficult to cry again. It was almost like I couldn't get it out. This also happened when my Grandfather passed away, I found it difficult to let out tears like most people would. So, crying helps if you are one of those who can let it all out then and there.

 

Also, coming here or writing your feelings down on a piece of paper would help. It's better if you have people to listen to you. Just be patient, your heart is healing and will need plenty of time to heal. Do not do anything to damage it while it is processing these emotions. Like contacting your ex.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find happiness and love.

[SoonMyFriend]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted to come back and post an update. First off - thank you to all who responded to this thread. All of your responses helped me move forward.

 

So here I am a month later, and I am so happy the relationship is over. I have fully accepted that this was 100% the right decision on his part, and I deserve so much more than a half-assed attempt at a relationship.

 

I have more faith now that I will find someone else, but I am in no rush to find that person. I am excited to be single, and I am looking forward to the adventures that lie ahead of me.

 

What helped me a lot was the vacation I went on. I had a blast, and for the first time since I was a teenager I was single on vacation. I felt so liberated.

 

So to anyone going through a heart break you will get through it. You will find your way out. I needed a break from everything and found the vacation allowed my mind a chance to stop obsessing and start processing.

 

But just move forward and try to find something that lights your passions in other ways.

 

Thank you again LS.

 

Edit: I also want to add, if he ever comes crawling back I am confident I will have the strength to say no, whereas a few weeks ago I would have taken him back in a heartbeat.

[SoonMyFriend]

Hi again LS,

 

I just need to come in and vent a little. This weekend has been hard. I know my last post was all confidence and positive outlook but I have been missing my ex and feeling sad about our breakup.

 

I had a good discussion with the girl who set us up, and we vented our mutual frustrations with my ex. She thinks he got really scared about his feelings (turns out this guy had a huge crush on my for about two years) and she couldn't believe how he could go from the happiest guy in the world when we first got together to reverting to a selfish person who doesn't see themselves as good enough for a partner. She thinks rather than working through his feelings he just decided to run away and let me find someone else.

 

And then yesterday I accidentally broke the mug he gave me for Christmas. And I just started bawling.

 

I can't fix him, I can't fix our relationship just like the damn mug.

 

But I feel so pathetic for wishing he would realize he could be such a great boyfriend and could have so much more fun with his life if he just opened himself up. If he stopped being so lazy and cowardly he could go for it. If he just let go of whatever insecurity he's holding onto. He's 27 and is convinced he'll be alone forever. How can you have that mentality so young??

 

I don't accept failure in my life, I always look to succeed, and this weekend has just again been hard to accept this failure.

 

That and I just miss him right now. I miss his smell, his body, his humour, just him.

 

I say all this but yet I've had so much fun over the past month meeting new people, going out, and yes I've met a lot of boys and it's been fun flirting...

 

UGH GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

 

/rant Thanks LS

[joe86]

I don't accept personal failures either & I'm a perfectionist usually, but you can't look at a failed relationship as a personal failure.

 

Relationships require an equal share of everything to work, and it's not our failure if the other person doesn't want to make things work.

[SoonMyFriend]

Thank you joe86.

 

Those are great words for me to remember, and I will write them down next to all of the other bits of writing I've done to help me move forward.

 

I have to keep remembering that no matter how much this guy apparently liked me, it wasn't enough to get him to put in the equal share for whatever reason. And that bottom line, it isn't MY job to figure out why. It's HIS job.

 

And I am worth more, and I am worth someone who WANTS to put in equal effort.

[SoonMyFriend]

So just coming back in to vent again...

 

A few days ago was my ex's birthday. And I can't even explain why my sadness has come roaring back, but it just has. I even dreamt about him last night coming back to me telling me he wanted to change and wanted to make it all right. I hate those dreams.

 

Ugh, I feel so pathetic. This guy is ALL WRONG for me. But WHY do I still have this part of me that wants him back?? UGH GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

 

Like seriously... he is all kinds of wrong for me but I still miss him. And it still makes me angry that he isn't missing me! I am awesome! I have really come to love myself a lot more over the past three months. How could he throw me away?

 

But this is normal right? I am bound to have weird moments like this right?

[ayudorama]

Like seriously... he is all kinds of wrong for me but I still miss him. And it still makes me angry that he isn't missing me! I am awesome! I have really come to love myself a lot more over the past three months. How could he throw me away?

 

But this is normal right? I am bound to have weird moments like this right?

I read your whole thread, and can totally relate to most of your frustrations (about your ex not even wanting to try to make it work. After my BU, I wanted so badly to give my ex a good shake because he just gave up without even trying to communicate things, but at the end of the day, I ask myself, is this the kind of person I'd want to rely on for life? Leaves without trying, as if I meant nothing to him? No. It took me awhile to realise this because this was my first relationship, and it turned out to be a complete mess), so I thought I'd write a little reply to your latest post.

 

The thing about healing is it isn't a linear process, you have good days and bad ones. I'm almost 8 months NC, and I still do get dreams of him every now and then. The frequency has markedly decreased over the months, but ever so often, I'd get a random dream of him - even when I'm not consciously thinking of him. My ex's birthday was a little difficult for me too, because we used to go out and celebrate it together, but this time I occupied myself the whole day so I'd be too tired out to even entertain thoughts of him.

 

And you know what? Your ex probably does miss you, but it isn't enough for him to come back asking for a second chance.

 

Have faith that while things won't magically become better overnight, with time, things will improve. You need to take control of your thoughts and emotions, reroute them towards more productive things and try not to obsess over things you can no longer be a part of (anniversaries, birthdays) because that will just frustrate and hurt only yourself in the end.

 

Take care, and do keep us posted

Edited November 5, 2013 by ayudorama

[SoonMyFriend]

Thanks for the response ayudorama.

 

Your insight helps, and hits home.

 

I just have such a problem with overthinking, and obsessive thoughts that unfortunately right now he is what I am thinking about.

 

It's just so confusing - I can sit here and tell you so many reasons why he is terrible for me, but that sadness and that attraction is still there.

 

I also know that most of this is just because I need something to worry about, to think about.

 

It's also the fear that maybe I won't find anyone else. So I'll just be stuck pining for this guy who was never right for me anyways.

[ayudorama]

Thanks for the response ayudorama.

 

Your insight helps, and hits home.

 

I just have such a problem with overthinking, and obsessive thoughts that unfortunately right now he is what I am thinking about.

 

It's just so confusing - I can sit here and tell you so many reasons why he is terrible for me, but that sadness and that attraction is still there.

 

I also know that most of this is just because I need something to worry about, to think about.

 

It's also the fear that maybe I won't find anyone else. So I'll just be stuck pining for this guy who was never right for me anyways.

 

I can relate to these obsessive thoughts, we have little control over them, and usually these thoughts are most rampant a few weeks/months after the BU, for me at least.

 

I'd be having a conversation with myself, saying things like "He must be hurting so much right now, I wonder if he's thinking of me" (even if he was the one who dumped me, over a text message, all cold and blame-shifting) or say things like "He must have realized by now that he made a big mistake. He'll text me tomorrow."

 

When I look back on the state of mind I was in, I see how I kept making excuses for his behaviour, when really, there isn't any excuse for someone who claims to love me to suddenly turn around and hurt me like that. I even asked him a few months before our BU that if we were to ever part ways, let it be an amicable BU, without hard feelings, or cutting words. He didn't even fulfil this promise for me, and it speaks a lot about how he views our relationship.

 

I can understand this completely:

 

It's just so confusing - I can sit here and tell you so many reasons why he is terrible for me, but that sadness and that attraction is still there.

 

How I got through this pothole is I told myself that it is entirely okay that I still love him (I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I don't love him anymore. We knew each other since we were 11, there's so much shared memories of attending the same school together, getting into trouble with friends etc.) and that I still think he's attractive, but loving someone shouldn't be confused with having to be with him. After some time I realized that we are not meant for each other. Not because we of our incompatibilities, our stubborn nature or our lack of understanding. It is only because he stopped wanting to be with me.

 

That alone is enough to snap me out of that reverie. I can list out his bad traits/habits, and yet in the same breath, I can list as many stellar qualities. I do strongly believe that everyone has their merits and faults, and that's nothing that mutual understanding and effort by both parties cannot remedy.

 

He checked out on me. It hurts, because I still love him. But it propels me forward because at the end of the day all I ask for is for someone who'd stay.

 

About the fear of not being able to find someone else who'd make you feel this way, I know how that feels like too. I fell in love at 26. I'm 28 now. You'd consider me a late bloomer. I won't lie, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to find, again, someone I can connect with at that deep level. But I believe that love, as an entity is larger than all of the great loves and painful heartbreaks this world can contain.

 

If that great love I felt with my ex is anything to go by, honestly, 8 months on, I highly doubt that love was all that I made it out to be. As days go by, my mind clears up and I see things for what they are, my ex for who he is. However I don't harbour any resentment towards him, or towards my situation.

 

Give time, some time. You'll see things more clearly as you go about your healing. You may not get the answers you seek, but trust me, you'll come out a stronger person.

 

How are you spending your time lately? And are the obsessive thoughts still plaguing you?