ScreamingTrees Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 If I was OP, I'd just think of the basics, in my own interest.. Does she have STDs? Does she SEEM like a cheater? Do her ACTIONS seem, or have ever seemed, suspicious? Has she slipped up with any telling remarks about how she truly operates? My biggest and probably sole concern, outside of being betrayed and disrespected, would be getting a terrible STD over some person who I 99.9% most likely don't value over my own life.. Someone who'd have brought me down with them for their own disgusting sleazy habits.. Who most likely would feel the same about me if a gun was to their head.
Author Phantom888 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 I would hire a private detective to follow her around. That's the next logical step in this lovely relationship you have. I'm guessing you've already checked her credit score and called her personal references. Now that's just silly. I have a great memory so if the story is not consistent, then I know when someone is lying. I don't need to hire any services to verify. Now quit being lame and stop judging. I spent last night with her, and we have grown closer. When you remove unknowns in your relationship, you open up opportunities to bring the relationship to higher levels. There is nothing wrong with open honestly unless you have something to hide. To each his/her own. This works for me.
Author Phantom888 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 OP, your posting history with regard to this woman, borders on obsessive. If you don't mind me asking, has this situation presented itself before in a prior relationship? Have you ever cheated on a partner? No relationship is exactly the same. In the past, my partners were the ones who wanted to know my sexual history, so I never really had to pry. One serious relationship got me really obsessed because her ex bought her a BMW when they were in college. Eventually i found out she was a total gold digger, and was ruining me financially. So I guess I look for patterns of my partners' past so I can evaluate the direction of the current serious relationship. I have never cheated on anyone, nor has anyone ever cheated on me. I'm not so afraid of cheating as much as simple dishonesty.
Author Phantom888 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 @OP: You keep saying that you're not insecure but I wonder if she told you that she wasn't going to answer your question, how would you have reacted? When people feel judged they are prone to lying to make themselves look better. Also when I had a low count like your gf I didn't need to chronologically go through my history to get to the number. Chances are very high she left off a great deal of her history because of the judgment. I certainly wouldn't be taking that number to the bank and odds are high that she's going to come clean months or years down the road after the guilt eats at her more and more. I seriously doubt it. I guess no one would know 100% except her. But I trust that she is honest with me, as I told her ahead of time that nothing would change my feelings for her. Logistically, her number makes sense because of her schedule and people she meets. Seriously, I don't have a high number myself, and I go through it chronologically just so I don't miss any. That's perfectly logical. Furthermore, before we even went out for the 1st time, she told me on the phone that she hasn't dated that many people. Her stories have been consistent because she mentions people she dated here and there, and they all made sense. Can't lie and cover up for long, specially since we spend so much time together. I can bet my life that she's telling the truth.
thexception Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) hi...chiming in a little late, just found this site, registered to reply first, so great YOU feel better and ur both happy, that is ALL that matters. **** these people with their stupid comments or insults. i read pretty much the whole thread, speed reading. i saw where u were coming from mainly because of the things SHE said to you...everyone has since focused on what uve said in ur thread. her asking you about how many times uve had anal sex and wanting to know so much about your history would have told me one of 2 things, either she is concerned about my history 4 whatever reason OR she has one hell of a history because who at 38, asks someone that, a man? im 45 so u know. so anyway, yeah, i would THEN have been on alarm. i would have answered all her questions and when its obvious someone wants to know, for whatever reason i would tell them, but honestly i have rarely discussed those things or had a specific question like how many times have u had anal sex, so that would have been odd for a relationship of 2 months, to me. and like you, THEN i would have been curious to know theirs back and like you said "recent history" i too have been online dating on/off in between 2 relationships over 4 1/2 yrs. most recently for about 6 months here and there, time situations permitting like her. recently i have a new bf (he's 21, im a cougar not for sex rather 4 relationships) anyway, connection in all ways is there, and we've had that sexual history conversation, he was dating online too, obviously since we met that way. and both he and i told the truth about our months of online dating, and sex, and a summary of our life long relationships before. and we both were fine with it and we both had "fun" with several people in recent months, he decided he wanted another relationship and id been looking for one because ive LONG known its better then random sex; hard enough to find, harder to find someone like yourself, harder still with the age dif i date. and ive been asked DIRECT things maybe or even offered them up, like anal sex with someone ive been with in a longer relationship if it came up, sure. and ive been asked in shorter relationships, **** like whats the wildest thing uve done, and ive answered cause i got LOTS of stories, easy 2 give one. lol. but if i was ever asked my entire history of whom, where when & what we did, omg...it would take a WHILE now i was sort of jealous about the women hes been with in recent months, but because im crazy about him, but if not for those experiences he might have not met me or at least realized before he met me, he WANTED another ltr, perfect, in the end i wanted that too so i dont care. hes mine now & i hope to keep him. and i am non-judgemental anyway and having a long sexual history, i have LONG ago talked in #'s or such details because until one month ago, the last time someone asked me how many people ive been with was prob in my early 20's. i think in general men never have asked me for a number because they soon know how sexual i am (i make no bones about it) and lol, they probably dont want to know or could give a rats ass cause im so...yeah, good a guy ive been talking to for a few months, after he emailed about a craigslist ad i had (not for dating) & we just started talking (no relationship other then that being pursued), he asked me the question i hadnt answered in 20+ yrs. how many. my answer, probably about or at least 100, and under 120. thats the best answer i can give, counting stopped long ago. and for the person that said no one would tell the truth or would be ashamed, i am not. its my life, it happened, i have no regrets. do i offer up & tell people, no thats retarded, irrelevant, & would sound like you have a problem only because why would u just TELL someone that. im not proud, nor ashamed its part of my life, period and who i am. and people r judgemental but i have never not answered that question nor would i. if i cared about someone i would initially say, a lot baby, again i am 45. but...if they said to me, come on tell me how many you think, then i would! and sae la vie! i love who i am!!! so again OP u got it out, u believe her, thats what matters and i hope it works out for you both. online dating is by no means ideal, and has many ups n downs (im actually writing a book!) BUT real connections can be made as in all other ways, & i hope my connection, like urs, lasts a long long time! and if it doesnt its okay because now, this day, this time in my life, is great with my bf! if it lasts a month, a year, 10 years, or the rest of my life, i will be THANKFUL for everyday this man has loved me Peace out~ Edited August 4, 2013 by thexception 1
thexception Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 published in 2009, i just found this. WOW, lol, man ok i am WAY over, always knew i had a hell of a life, damn people, u arent even living LOL....check this out! How many sex partners have you had? What's your number? According to a survey of adults aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetime; men have an average of seven. Source: National Center for Health Statistics
KungFuJoe Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Also when I had a low count like your gf I didn't need to chronologically go through my history to get to the number. Chances are very high she left off a great deal of her history because of the judgment. I thought this EXACTLY. Six is not much at all. Anyone would have known that number by heart. 1
Divasu Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 No relationship is exactly the same. In the past, my partners were the ones who wanted to know my sexual history, so I never really had to pry. One serious relationship got me really obsessed because her ex bought her a BMW when they were in college. Eventually i found out she was a total gold digger, and was ruining me financially. So I guess I look for patterns of my partners' past so I can evaluate the direction of the current serious relationship. I have never cheated on anyone, nor has anyone ever cheated on me. I'm not so afraid of cheating as much as simple dishonesty. Of course no relationship is exactly the same, but, there seems to be a pattern based on what you've described... The key ingredient, is trust. Although your ex did not cheat on you (which is the one of the worst forms of dishonesty and can cause irreparable damage), she violated your trust by "ruining you financially". It is quite clear, that it caused emotional scarring. You're bringing it into your current relationship and your present girlfriend is taking the brunt of it. By the way, I think you have every right to want to make sure that the woman you are with now, is trustworthy. That's perfectly reasonable. I just hope you can learn to distinguish the line between what's reasonable and what's not in terms of "is this my trust issue" or "has she done something within our current relationship that has violated trust". I dealt with someone who struggled with retroactive jealousy. I was in my late twenties, and he was in his early thirties. He could not deal with the fact that he wasn't the "first". He'd put me through the ringer at times, and I began to withdraw from him emotionally and eventually, it killed the relationship. So, if you care about this woman, please for your own good get those trust issues resolved and try to avoid placing it all on her to help you resolve it. That has to come from YOU. 1
KungFuJoe Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Op, If you can't see why people would be surprised at you actually calling her over the phone to talk about such a sensitive subject...then I would seriously question your maturity level. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 I thought this EXACTLY. Six is not much at all. Anyone would have known that number by heart. It's not as easy as you think. I can vouch for that. I was divorced for exactly the same amount of time, and dated a lot at one point, but overall a relatively low number. If no one ever asked me this question before, I would seriously have to count them by name. It's not like I write them down or anything. There was a couple of girls that I had one-nights with, and I have completely forgotten them when I counted. My number is around 11, and that's during 4 years of time.
Author Phantom888 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Of course no relationship is exactly the same, but, there seems to be a pattern based on what you've described... So, if you care about this woman, please for your own good get those trust issues resolved and try to avoid placing it all on her to help you resolve it. That has to come from YOU. I thoroughly appreciate your post. I feel I have already let this go. Her attitude about being honest and not negatively reacting shows me that she empathizes with me, and that she knows I was having a mental impulsive block. She is very mature, and have seen men behave based on her past relationships. She really understands me, and knows how to calm my noisy mind at times. Through these early "tests" I can tell we work well together. Last week, on her birthday, she had a meltdown that she though would have scared me away. She was overwhelmed with work, and her child was misbehaving. All i did was hold her, and listened to her while she fell asleep in my arms. She was happy that I was there for her when she needed me. Similarly, I am glad she comforted me when I was feeling anxious. We think at the same level.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Is it ever appropriate to ask the sexual history question? Yes, but only if you are one's doctor. 2
Author Phantom888 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Op, If you can't see why people would be surprised at you actually calling her over the phone to talk about such a sensitive subject...then I would seriously question your maturity level. It was actually the only time to talk about it. That evening we had to take her daughter birthday shopping and prepare for a big party the next day. I won't see her again till next saturday. I just needed to get this out of the way. My birthday is next week, and she is planning this HUGE thing for me. I just want to clear my mind before we move forward. Impulsive? Maybe....but I am working on it. But there is something about this impulsiveness that has helped our relationship.
KungFuJoe Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 What would you have done if she had slept with 20 guys during that time, most of them ONS, a couple threesomes, lots of sex burned out on alcohol and drugs. Would you have dumped her?
fujidabruin Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 My opinion on this has changed over the years, maybe even months. These days, I want to know about impulsivity factors in someone's history including more than just sex. Not interested in people who switch horses between impulsive behavior and go around claiming "I don't do -that- any more (I do this instead.)" Agree with Ruby Slippers, and will take it further. I think the "just a phase" excuse for behavior is way overdone today. People change through much effort over time, they don't just pop in and out of a series of "phases," and today, lots of people simply don't change much their whole lives. The string of 300 partners in college and shortly after may manifest as a pill, booze or spending issues now, or may be ongoing sexually. On the scale of "repeat past behavior" versus "mature and develop," there's simply more weight on the "repeat" side of the scale today in a world of less accountability and fewer standards IMO. So yeah, I'd ask about it OP, not as a particular numbers question, but in the context of negative behavior trends over time and whether there is evidence of them continuing. I would like to go even further on this point to say it might be worthwhile discussing past experience to understand a SO's "sexual personality" that has developed. I had this discussion with my recent ex (only 2 weeks removed from the relationship and I lifted NC for one discussion only). We discovered how we differed based on our early experiences. I was not able to separate the sex from the love because of early loving relationships, where she was able to make the separation because of going back and forth between loving and purely physical relationships. Could be trickier to discuss while in the relationship though. Must have a mutual understanding of what you are trying to accomplish with the discussion. Do not want to fool yourself into wanting to hear what you do not want really want to know. I would think that if you imagine that she spent time just casually going from experience to experience in a kinda trashy way and you can be really OK with that, then you might be ready for that discussion. But, to me it is only relevant if you are happy with how she is currently.
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 (edited) Sure, why not? I asked my current bf. I've dated guys for whom I was their second, and guys for whom I was around their hundredth. I don't care either way but it does open up a conversation about how seriously one views sex and that in turn can give me information as to whether or not I want to have a sexual relationship with a guy (a virgin might not be the best choice for a FWB relationship for example). It's just curiosity, there's no wrong answer. He was relieved that we got onto a discussion in which he could tell me the wildest thing he'd done... to me, that was nothing, yet he was stressing in case his friends brought it up around me some day and I didn't like it! To be fair he know I'm into my kink but not the ins and outs of the more extreme things I've done. I'd happily tell him if asked, though. Edited August 4, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse
xxoo Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 It was actually the only time to talk about it. That evening we had to take her daughter birthday shopping and prepare for a big party the next day. I won't see her again till next saturday. I just needed to get this out of the way. My birthday is next week, and she is planning this HUGE thing for me. I just want to clear my mind before we move forward. Impulsive? Maybe....but I am working on it. But there is something about this impulsiveness that has helped our relationship. The horse is before the cart, and that's driving the anxiety.
ses Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 OP, you should never feel the need to "test" your relationship. It just reflects insecurity and reveals your emotional baggage. Every partner will present a new experience. She's with you now, so her sexual past should be irrelevant. I've had guys tell me their numbers unprompted with accompanying details. Honesly I just care if I'm good enough for him, and will satisfy him. I'm not trying to compete with others. If he's with me, then he's with me. 1
Lei Ping Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 My woman and I are in a committed relationship. We have both been divorced after a long marriage. We are both 38. We have been together for 2.5 months, but have discussed our future together. In the beginning, I could have sworn she was probing at my history. She would ask what if I had done certain things with other women. I think in the back of her mind, she wanted to know my entire history, but didn't want to ask. Right now I am at this point where I know we are serious, and I want to know about her sexual history. I don't think hers is any lengthy than mine, but I just want to know. Is it ever appropriate to ask the sexual history question? You may not like the answer. You want to know about her sexual history? Ask her ex-BFF and get ready to hear what she would never tell you herself. If you like her, I'd say leave it alone. What difference would her having screwed 500 other Guys make as long as you're the last Guy she'll ever screw?
Babolat Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 My woman and I are in a committed relationship. We have both been divorced after a long marriage. We are both 38. We have been together for 2.5 months, but have discussed our future together. In the beginning, I could have sworn she was probing at my history. She would ask what if I had done certain things with other women. I think in the back of her mind, she wanted to know my entire history, but didn't want to ask. Right now I am at this point where I know we are serious, and I want to know about her sexual history. I don't think hers is any lengthy than mine, but I just want to know. Is it ever appropriate to ask the sexual history question? I think it depends on you. Can you deal with it? Will it bother you? Will you have retroactive jealousy? Will you obsess over some of, or all of it? Is there value to you knowing? Personally I don't care about my SOs sexual past. I have never asked, some have volunteered, I listen, don't ask questions. To me it's about the present, that they are with me now and chose to be. And, I have a past too; I can't change it. It made me who I am today.
pteromom Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 To me, not talking about sexual history is as odd as not talking about, say... travel history. If I asked my boyfriend what countries he'd visited, and he said, "It doesn't matter. I live in the US now and my traveling days are in the past," I'd find that very strange, and I'd wonder what he felt the need the hide, and why. I agree that a couple should talk about sexual history, but it is best to keep it vague. "I went through a wild streak when I was 25" is enough information. You don't need to say "I slept with 28 guys that year... I did ____ and _____ with Freddy, and _____ and ____ with Tommy, and James and I had sex on the hood of my car at the lake!" All that does is cause jealousy, resentment, and like Joe said, TRIGGERS and issues. There's just no reason anyone needs that kind of information. Phantom, there is no answer that she can give you that is going to stop you from worrying and obsessing over this. You are looking for reassurance that there is nothing for you to be jealous over, and even if there was only one guy on one night that you don't know about, you will latch onto that experience and obsess over it. It's not healthy at all. What is healthy is realizing that she has a past, and that her past experiences take nothing away from the relationship you are in with her now. 2
pteromom Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 One thing she commented was that she felt a little sad that I may be judging her. But I wasn't. I was not insecure, jealous, or anything...I just wanted to know so that I could put this thought to rest. I assured her there was nothing about her to judge...she's perfect. I am the flawed one. I love her with all my heart. Just wait. You may not be jealous or insecure yet, but you are going to ask her a question related to this that is going to put an image in your head.
Author Phantom888 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 This is actually a month and a half ago. Seems a lot longer. I actually put these thoughts behind me, and we are doing very well right now. I don't expect things to be perfect, but for now everything is great.
pteromom Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 This is actually a month and a half ago. Seems a lot longer. I actually put these thoughts behind me, and we are doing very well right now. I don't expect things to be perfect, but for now everything is great. Oh, so I see. A thread revived from the dead! I am glad things are better now, and hope you are able to focus on what you have.
FitChick Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 If a guy had dozen of sex partners long before he met me and had all sorts of kinky sex, then afterward had a few long term, monogamous relationships or marriages, I'd be happy he got it out of his system. I happen to like hearing about a man's sexual encounters. Erotic entertainment for me plus I learn what he likes or doesn't like. 1
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