Is it ever appropriate to ask the numbers question?

[Drseussgrrl]

I just read the your first post in this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/412411-retroactive-jealousy-you-know-bothers-you

 

And now I'm recalling that you also got jealous of men she had as friends on FB.

 

You are CLEARLY obsessed with your gf's past. This is unhealthy.

 

Sorry OP but I got the heebie jeebie's just reading all this woman is having to do to make you feel comfortable dating her. Get a grip!

[KungFuJoe]

I just read the your first post in this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/412411-retroactive-jealousy-you-know-bothers-you

 

And now I'm recalling that you also got jealous of men she had as friends on FB.

 

You are CLEARLY obsessed with your gf's past. This is unhealthy.

 

Sorry OP but I got the heebie jeebie's just reading all this woman is having to do to make you feel comfortable dating her. Get a grip!

 

Yup...I remember the same post by op and many others like it.

 

I can guarantee with 100% certainty that the scenario I described is exactly what will happen if op continues with his interrogations.

 

Because that's exactly what it will come down to...everything except the bright light in her face.

[Star Gazer]

I'd still want to know if my boyfriend had slept with 75 women. It wouldn't necessarily change anything, but I'd want to know.

 

If it wouldn't change anything, why would you want to know?

[Phantom888]

One way to overcome one's negative thinking is by confronting it head on. I don't want to deal with retroactive jealousy. I want to be in an openly honest relationship where there is nothing that is forbidden to talk about. I know she is understanding, and she knows me. I do not think she will freak when I ask her. Better yet, she will be happy to know about my history so she never has to ask again, "have you ever been with a black girl?" or "have you ever been to an escort?" I can read between the lines that she wants to know. I have a call to her office in 13 minutes.

[Drseussgrrl]

One way to overcome one's negative thinking is by confronting it head on. I don't want to deal with retroactive jealousy. I want to be in an openly honest relationship where there is nothing that is forbidden to talk about. I know she is understanding, and she knows me. I do not think she will freak when I ask her. Better yet, she will be happy to know about my history so she never has to ask again, "have you ever been with a black girl?" or "have you ever been to an escort?" I can read between the lines that she wants to know. I have a call to her office in 13 minutes.

 

Yeah - ask her while she's at work! Best idea you've had yet!

[Phantom888]

Yeah - ask her while she's at work! Best idea you've had yet!

 

Geez it's friday lunch time. Nobody works!

[dasein]

If she is everything you want NOW, why do you care about anything that happened THEN?

 

Because what people did "then" can and often does affect the "now." A friend of mine married a woman who had been plenty loose. No one cared. She then proceeded to spend him out of house and home to the point of a messy divorce. How many do you want? I got dozens. Impulsive behaviors of all types are linked, and it's always wise to keep a lookout for impulsiveness, past or present, in partners, especially as things get more serious. Hopefully in OP's case, appearances are accurate, but that doesn't change the fact that there are reasons for anyone to want to know about lots of aspects of their partner's past, including sex, that have nothing to do with obsessiveness or insecurity.

 

I have had many friends in AA and rehabs over the years. They exhibit cluster impulsivity in lots of ways, not just booze or drugs. Maybe 1:4 beat their impulsive tendencies entirely over time with effort, 2:4 make a good strong effort, but behaviors crop up and remain, causing trouble in their lives and in the lives of those close to them. Then there's that 1 who ain't ever changing no matter what, and will make everyone in their lives miserable due to it. That 1 just happens to be the best at rationalizing and snowing everyone in the blast radius because he has become an expert con over years of practice. The worst ones are the best concealers on the front end where impulsivity is concerned, making it a mandatory thing to think about as a relationship with any particular person progresses IMO.

 

Past sexual behavior is not one bit different than any other type of behavior, someone can have sex 1000s of times and not be impulsive, others are obviously impulsive no matter their number, and -details- associated with the number can help reveal it. Should OP make a huge deal of this? No, and I don't see evidence of that or that he wants to. Should he keep his eyes open in any relationship by gathering even a minimal amount of information about past behavior? Absolutely. The world we live and date in today literally demands that of us or we have no one to blame but ourselves when things go south.

[KungFuJoe]

Geez it's friday lunch time. Nobody works!

 

Are you serious? I thought you were joking.

 

You're going to have this conversation OVER THE PHONE!?!?!

 

Good luck, op.

 

Hope you learn your lesson by the time you're in your next relationship...whenever that happens to be.

[KungFuJoe]

blah blah blah

 

Yeah, yeah...didn't even bother reading all that...based on other posts of yours that I've read, I'm pretty sure you fabricated about 99% of what you just said anyways.

[dasein]

Sorry OP but I got the heebie jeebie's just reading all this woman is having to do to make you feel comfortable dating her. Get a grip!

 

I get the heebie jeebies reading responses to an OP who is exhibiting more reflectiveness than a vast majority of people out there, identifies his issues correctly, is on the path to understanding them, expresses the desire to change, and then gets insulted over and over in a place like LS.

 

This thread reveals more about some people's sensitivity to skeletons in the closet than any negative thing about OP.

[dasein]

Yeah, yeah...didn't even bother reading all that...based on other posts of yours that I've read, I'm pretty sure you fabricated about 99% of what you just said anyways.

 

I'm pretty sure your advice in this thread is of the same quality it generally is on this forum. You are certainly true to form in personally insulting and negatively characterizing an OP who doesn't deserve such.

[Ruby Slippers]

If it wouldn't change anything, why would you want to know?

The same reason I'd want to know anything else about him - because the only way to truly know a person is to know what he thinks, what he's experienced, what choices he's made and why.

 

I believe the only way to have real intimacy and closeness is to KNOW a person as he/she really is. The choices a person has made about sex reveal a lot about him.

 

To me, not talking about sexual history is as odd as not talking about, say... travel history. If I asked my boyfriend what countries he'd visited, and he said, "It doesn't matter. I live in the US now and my traveling days are in the past," I'd find that very strange, and I'd wonder what he felt the need the hide, and why.

 

I once had a sex and fun-only FWB for 6 months. That FWB turned out to be a crazy stalker who repeatedly threatened me after I broke it off with him, and I had to file a restraining order against him. Sounds totally crazy, but I recognize that I invited that drama into my life by being careless and lazy during a lonely, cynical time. Huge mistake made, and lesson learned.

 

I was well aware when I told my conservative boyfriend this that he might not react well, that he might think I was too careless and drama-ridden and dump me.

 

But I told him everything, holding back nothing. To my delight, not only did he not judge me, he eventually told me shortly before saying I love you that he had my back, and he'd be there for me through anything - including defending me if that loser ever came around again.

 

If I'd never told him that totally embarrassing story, I wouldn't have given him the opportunity to really know me, and to step up in the way that he did. I'm glad I was completely honest and didn't try to keep anything from him. Now I also don't have to worry about letting some piece of information related to that whole debacle slip someday, because it's all out in the open, and he's accepted it, so I can relax and just be myself.

[bentleychic]

I've asked and gotten an "I'd have to think about it." answer. I didn't like that much. haha I'm not sure if it's so much that he didn't want to think about it as much as he didn't want to overwhelm or upset me since my number is 2 including him. LOL

 

But who a person is with in the past is the past so as long as they're clean, it really SHOULDN'T matter.

[sweetkiwi]

Is it ever appropriate to ask the sexual history question?

 

I do, because it turns me on. If it doesn't and I get jealous, well I guess that's entirely on me. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

[clia]

One way to overcome one's negative thinking is by confronting it head on. I don't want to deal with retroactive jealousy. I want to be in an openly honest relationship where there is nothing that is forbidden to talk about. I know she is understanding, and she knows me. I do not think she will freak when I ask her. Better yet, she will be happy to know about my history so she never has to ask again, "have you ever been with a black girl?" or "have you ever been to an escort?" I can read between the lines that she wants to know. I have a call to her office in 13 minutes.

 

Are you kidding me? You are calling her at work to ask how many men she's had sex with? Can't the conversation at least wait until dinner time?

 

[hoping2heal]

but I just want to be in an honest relationship for once in my life.

 

What on earth does knowing a person's sexual partner number / sexual history have to do with being in an honest relationship??

 

It sounds more to me like you're trying to pick at the relationship.

[Drseussgrrl]

I get the heebie jeebies reading responses to an OP who is exhibiting more reflectiveness than a vast majority of people out there, identifies his issues correctly, is on the path to understanding them, expresses the desire to change, and then gets insulted over and over in a place like LS.

 

This thread reveals more about some people's sensitivity to skeletons in the closet than any negative thing about OP.

 

That's laughable. In one thread he's saying he wants to overcome his retroactive jealousy because he pictures other men in her bed. COME ON.

 

And now this one where he wants to know her number! He's going around in circles. And now he's calling her on her lunch break "in 13 minutes" to have this conversation over the phone at work.

 

LOL! You don't see ANYTHING bizarre about any of this?

[PlumPrincess]

I actually seriously dated a woman who was on drugs while she banged strangers! So no I don't judge people with high numbers. The reason why we broke up was because she couldn't contribute to the relationship....she could not be an equal partner to me because she had no job, no car, no bank account....all because she was doing crazy crap 10+ years before.

Well someone without a job and a bank account (I don't have a car and that's perfectly fine! ) would have gotten me worried already. I would not have needed more details from the past to stay away from her.

[Drseussgrrl]

The same reason I'd want to know anything else about him - because the only way to truly know a person is to know what he thinks, what he's experienced, what choices he's made and why.

 

I believe the only way to have real intimacy and closeness is to KNOW a person as he/she really is. The choices a person has made about sex reveal a lot about him.

 

To me, not talking about sexual history is as odd as not talking about, say... travel history. If I asked my boyfriend what countries he'd visited, and he said, "It doesn't matter. I live in the US now and my traveling days are in the past," I'd find that very strange, and I'd wonder what he felt the need the hide, and why.

 

I once had a sex and fun-only FWB for 6 months. That FWB turned out to be a crazy stalker who repeatedly threatened me after I broke it off with him, and I had to file a restraining order against him. Sounds totally crazy, but I recognize that I invited that drama into my life by being careless and lazy during a lonely, cynical time. Huge mistake made, and lesson learned.

 

I was well aware when I told my conservative boyfriend this that he might not react well, that he might think I was too careless and drama-ridden and dump me.

 

But I told him everything, holding back nothing. To my delight, not only did he not judge me, he eventually told me shortly before saying I love you that he had my back, and he'd be there for me through anything - including defending me if that loser ever came around again.

 

If I'd never told him that totally embarrassing story, I wouldn't have given him the opportunity to really know me, and to step up in the way that he did. I'm glad I was completely honest and didn't try to keep anything from him. Now I also don't have to worry about letting some piece of information related to that whole debacle slip someday, because it's all out in the open, and he's accepted it, so I can relax and just be myself.

 

RS - you know that's completely different than divulging the time you got it doggy-style in your parents' pool that one summer you were dating your next-door neighbor.

 

The fact that that dude was a FWB or a boyfriend makes no difference.

[Phantom888]

Like I said, it's Friday lunch time and I knew she was available to talk to me.

 

So here's how it went: I called her, and I said it's something that committed partners should talk about at some point, and she agreed with me.

 

She never counted before because no one asked before me. She counted each one by name. 6 in the last 4 years. They were all relationship-based. No ONS, no casual hookup, no 1st or 2nd date sex (except me), one from UK visiting but that was after a 2-months online courtship. All as I expected based on what I observed about her. She even listed 3 boyfriends in high school when she was 15, which I didn't know about but who cares. She went on tons of dates, but chemistry was always an issue. Then she admitted that she was curious about my sexual history, which I disclosed.

 

We both laughed about it, and thought it was necessary to eventually talk about it. It's good that we got it out of the way early. One thing she commented was that she felt a little sad that I may be judging her. But I wasn't. I was not insecure, jealous, or anything...I just wanted to know so that I could put this thought to rest. I assured her there was nothing about her to judge...she's perfect. I am the flawed one. I love her with all my heart.

 

We will see each other tonight. I feel this incident has strengthened our relationship, as we are on the same page regarding sex and relationships. Really glad we had the talk.

[Simon Phoenix]

Couldn't care less. Nothing good can come from knowing that information.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Generally, someone who's impulsive with sex is also impulsive in other areas. People who have lots of casual sex often have issues with drugs, alcohol, and money to name a few. But, you don't need to ask because these things tend to leak out soon enough. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning.

[Drseussgrrl]

Like I said, it's Friday lunch time and I knew she was available to talk to me.

 

So here's how it went: I called her, and I said it's something that committed partners should talk about at some point, and she agreed with me.

 

She never counted before because no one asked before me. She counted each one by name. 6 in the last 4 years. They were all relationship-based. No ONS, no casual hookup, no 1st or 2nd date sex (except me), one from UK visiting but that was after a 2-months online courtship. All as I expected based on what I observed about her. She even listed 3 boyfriends in high school when she was 15, which I didn't know about but who cares. She went on tons of dates, but chemistry was always an issue. Then she admitted that she was curious about my sexual history, which I disclosed.

 

We both laughed about it, and thought it was necessary to eventually talk about it. It's good that we got it out of the way early. One thing she commented was that she felt a little sad that I may be judging her. But I wasn't. I was not insecure, jealous, or anything...I just wanted to know so that I could put this thought to rest. I assured her there was nothing about her to judge...she's perfect. I am the flawed one. I love her with all my heart.

 

We will see each other tonight. I feel this incident has strengthened our relationship, as we are on the same page regarding sex and relationships. Really glad we had the talk.

 

Too bad none of that is verifiable, like a credit report. LOL

 

But hey, if it makes you feel better, then great.

[clia]

So, did you get the 6 guys' names so you can Google them to make sure you are better looking and more successful?

[dasein]

So here's how it went:

 

Good for you. Now keep your eyes open going forward, keep up your journey of self-improvement and identifying issues you need to address to make yourself a better partner for her. Good luck with your relationship.