Is it ever appropriate to ask the numbers question?

August 2, 2013

But back in high school it didnt matter because you are not gonna end up with the person anyway. As a mature adult, it is more significant because doesn't it show you perception of sex and relationships?

You slept with her on the first or second date and are having some pretty outside-of-the-box sexual experiences with her. Doesn't that tell you everything you really need to know?

August 2, 2013

This.
It seems to me that the only people who don't want to talk about it are those who have a period in their sexual history that they're ashamed of, or worried about being judged for. If you have nothing to hide, why would you hide it?

Because it's irrelevant. It's not about hiding it. I've legitimately never had a guy ask the question. I've never asked either -- it's irrelevant to me as long as he is STD free. I don't see why you would even want to talk about all the times you got naked with another person when you are with a new person. To me, that seems totally bizarre.

August 2, 2013

Op,

You're going to ask anyways, regardless of what anyone here tells you, so let me just tell you what is going to happen.

You're going to ask her about a specific situation. And before she answers, you are going to have this "thought" in your head about what you HOPE the answer is. And maybe sometimes the answer IS what you were hoping and you breath a sigh of relief. But, sometimes, the answer is NOT what you were hoping, and if you're unlucky, it's something that is going to make you absolutely sick to your stomach.

And THIS is what you'll remember. You'll probe more on those situations, digging deeper, asking why...HOW she could do such a thing. Curiosity will turn to anger and resentment. You'll play it over and over in your head...wondering how someone who you hold in such high esteem could have lowered herself so much to do the things she did.

And if you ever get into converstations about specific scenarios...you get a bonus gift. Triggers. She had sex in a movie theater with a **** buddy? You won't be able to see a movie with her ever again without thinking about that incident.

She had a wild sexual romp in Vegas with a guy she was just using for sex? Bye bye, Vegas trips.

I'm not saying this happens with "normal" people. Most people don't obsess over their partner's pasts and even if they casually find out information, can just shove it to the side and not think about it again.

But if you feel compelled enough to WANT to ask that means you are the obsessive type. And your post history was enough to prove that anyways.

You're in for a world of hurt. I sincerely hope you just leave it alone and never EVER ask a single question about her past, but I also know that's like telling someone with a smoking habit to just quit smoking cold turkey.

August 2, 2013

My opinion on this has changed over the years, maybe even months. These days, I want to know about impulsivity factors in someone's history including more than just sex. Not interested in people who switch horses between impulsive behavior and go around claiming "I don't do -that- any more (I do this instead.)"

Agree with Ruby Slippers, and will take it further. I think the "just a phase" excuse for behavior is way overdone today. People change through much effort over time, they don't just pop in and out of a series of "phases," and today, lots of people simply don't change much their whole lives. The string of 300 partners in college and shortly after may manifest as a pill, booze or spending issues now, or may be ongoing sexually.

On the scale of "repeat past behavior" versus "mature and develop," there's simply more weight on the "repeat" side of the scale today in a world of less accountability and fewer standards IMO.

So yeah, I'd ask about it OP, not as a particular numbers question, but in the context of negative behavior trends over time and whether there is evidence of them continuing.

August 2, 2013

The title of this thread involves asking about actual numbers. The reason it's only something asked when you're young 'n' stupid is because the question you're really trying to establish is "is she a slut?"

Most people, by the time they hit 30, consider that to be a juvenile question.

Boys care about girls who were easy before his little chap got there. Most men just care about who she is now.

Edited August 2, 2013 by Mascara

August 2, 2013

My opinion on this has changed over the years, maybe even months. These days, I want to know about impulsivity factors in someone's history including more than just sex. Not interested in people who switch horses between impulsive behavior and go around claiming "I don't do -that- any more (I do this instead.)"

Agree with Ruby Slippers, and will take it further. I think the "just a phase" excuse for behavior is way overdone today. People change through much effort over time, they don't just pop in and out of a series of "phases," and today, lots of people simply don't change much their whole lives. The string of 300 partners in college and shortly after may manifest as a pill, booze or spending issues now, or may be ongoing sexually.

On the scale of "repeat past behavior" versus "mature and develop," there's simply more weight on the "repeat" side of the scale today in a world of less accountability and fewer standards IMO.

So yeah, I'd ask about it OP, not as a particular numbers question, but in the context of negative behavior trends over time and whether there is evidence of them continuing.

This makes no sense.

I have friends who messed around in college, did keg stands every weekend, bought booze before food on limited budgets, drove around beater cars and slept in twin-sized beds.

These same men and women today are married, own homes, are having children and have flourishing careers.

So yeah I'd say that age, maturity, and phases of life have EVERYTHING to do with the choices you make about a lot of things, including hooking up.

August 2, 2013

I don't want to be blindsided years down the road...like she would mention something and I would not be aware of it.

I think this is very smart.

I've seen more than one thread on this forum by people who just found out their spouse had a gang bang or whatever 10 years ago, and are seriously disturbed by it.

Much better to talk about it early on, let yourself have your natural reaction, and see if it's something you can live with or not.

August 2, 2013

So yeah I'd say that age, maturity, and phases of life have EVERYTHING to do with the choices you make about a lot of things, including hooking up.

And I have a good friend who admitted to me and other friends after years of friendship that she's slept with at least 100 guys, most of them casually, and that her desire for sexual variety and commitment phobia persist to this day.

She's engaged to a wonderful guy who adores her, and she recently revealed to me that she's having cold feet because he "feels like a brother" and she's longing for new and novel sex.

August 2, 2013

And I have a good friend who admitted to me and other friends after years of friendship that she's slept with at least 100 guys, most of them casually, and that her desire for sexual variety and commitment phobia persist to this day.

She's engaged to a wonderful guy who adores her, and she recently revealed to me that she's having cold feet because he "feels like a brother" and she's longing for new and novel sex.

Maybe they're simply sexually incompatible. I have a gf who divorced her husband on these grounds and she was a virgin when they got married.

Who knew.

August 2, 2013

Maybe they're simply sexually incompatible. I have a gf who divorced her husband on these grounds and she was a virgin when they got married.

Who knew.

Still, I'd want to know my boyfriend's sexual history before making the decision to marry him. I wouldn't want any big surprises later.

August 2, 2013

And I have a good friend who admitted to me and other friends after years of friendship that she's slept with at least 100 guys, most of them casually, and that her desire for sexual variety and commitment phobia persist to this day.

She's engaged to a wonderful guy who adores her, and she recently revealed to me that she's having cold feet because he "feels like a brother" and she's longing for new and novel sex.

One of my best friends from law school admitted during her bachelorette party that she'd slept with at least 75 guys - she'd lost count. Her then-fiance/now-husband had only been with a handful of women. They're insanely in love, and their difference in numbers plays no role whatsoever in their marriage or sex life.

August 2, 2013

One of my best friends from law school admitted during her bachelorette party that she'd slept with at least 75 guys - she'd lost count. Her then-fiance/now-husband had only been with a handful of women. They're insanely in love, and their difference in numbers plays no role whatsoever in their marriage or sex life.

I'd still want to know if my boyfriend had slept with 75 women. It wouldn't necessarily change anything, but I'd want to know.

August 2, 2013

These same men and women today are married, own homes, are having children and have flourishing careers.

IME for every one of those, there are two more who repeat impulsive behavior their whole lives, or until they have some moment of clarity forcing them to change their ways.

And btw feeble attempt to focus the whole question on college hijinks.

Reiterating, tired of the "just a phase" excuse. It is inaccurate in explaining human behavior over time. Past human behavior is the best indicator of future human behavior. People who were impulsive tend to remain impulsive, at least to the extent that asking partners about past behavior of all types is reasonable.

August 2, 2013

Hold on, we are talking drastic extremes here. All I want to know is her sexual history in the last 2.5 years, as I already know her history before that, which was 3. She's a mom, a career woman, and very intelligent. So I can't imagine her doing crazy stuff so recently. I want to tell her my history so she wouldn't have to ask anymore. Will I be upset about her answer? I don't know. I mean, online dating is very unpredictable. I mean, how many people can you date in 2.5 years when you are only available every other weekend? There are hot and cold streaks where there will be months when you don't go on any dates. The fact that we had sex on 2nd date was very unusual for both of us.

August 2, 2013

I agree with Kung Fu Joe in that this seems like ab obsessive behaviour (not the psycho kind). I've never asked/have been asked about sexual history because it is in no way relevant to a present relation and knowing can create friction where there was none before. If she's clean, and if you're clean, and if you love each other I can't see why knowing her past sexual history can benefit your relationship.

I remember once when my ex told me about sleeping in the past with a coworker after I pushed the issue, after knowing I couldn't even talk to the girl and I made snarky remarks about her to my ex. It negatively affected my relationship for a while because I started obsessing about it. Then I realized that none of it would've happened if I haven't pushed the subject and the fact that he slept with her, months before I even met him, was of no relevance to my relationship.

I suggest you ask yourslf the true motives for asking. the fact that she asked you if you have had anal before may be because she wants to be comfortable having anal with you. I asked my partner that question because I don't want him to rip my ass and his answer helped me make the anal experience more comfortable for both.

August 2, 2013

IME for every one of those, there are two more who repeat impulsive behavior their whole lives, or until they have some moment of clarity forcing them to change their ways.

And btw feeble attempt to focus the whole question on college hijinks.

Reiterating, tired of the "just a phase" excuse. It is inaccurate in explaining human behavior over time. Past human behavior is the best indicator of future human behavior. People who were impulsive tend to remain impulsive, at least to the extent that asking partners about past behavior of all types is reasonable.

Agree to disagree then. I don't consider having casual sex "impulsive". And yes - college could be one of those "just a phase" examples.

With that said, I can tell this is turning into another one of "us" vs "them" threads where people who have high numbers are considered this or that generalization.

Good luck OP.

August 2, 2013

"I asked my partner that question because I don't want him to rip my ass and his answer helped me make the anal experience more comfortable for both."

LOL!!

August 2, 2013

With that said, I can tell this is turning into another one of "us" vs "them" threads where people who have high numbers are considered this or that generalization.

I don't make snap judgments about people with high numbers - but I think it does give you more information and is good to know. I'd be suspicious if a guy didn't want to talk about his sexual history. It wouldn't be the numbers or facts that would concern me - it would be a reluctance to discuss the facts.

August 2, 2013

For some people, this is a relevant question. And that's okay. You have the right to set the criteria for those you date.

If it's important to you, ask. For those that don't care, don't ask. But you can't pick and choose what other people care about.

You do not morph into a different person as you age. You mature & grow. You learn & evolve. But you are still you. Your past experiences, circumstances, choices... led you to be the person you are today. Life is a book with many chapters. You don't rip out a chapter just because you have changed.

The fact is- it doesn't really matter if it is fair to judge. People judge all the time, regardless of whether it is fair. So we are all at the mercy of other people's judgements. We can't control that. What is we can control is whether we take those judgements to heart. We can also be sure to surround ourselves with nonjudgemental people.

If you are a person with a high number, and the person you are with makes judgements about it- wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you rather be with someone that doesn't judge you for that? Keeping it a secret only prolongs an incompatible relationship.

You can't unring the bell, though. You may want to envision all possible answers to guage what your feelings will be. A lot of people claim not to judge, but planted seeds have a way of popping up subconciously. If she says a high number and you begin to view her differently, if you begin to see her as having less value or worth, then let her go. It wouldn't be fair to her to continue.

August 2, 2013

I don't make snap judgments about people with high numbers - but I think it does give you more information and is good to know. I'd be suspicious if a guy didn't want to talk about his sexual history. It wouldn't be the numbers or facts that would concern me - it would be a reluctance to discuss the facts.

As you can see - MANY people feel that way about discussing numbers.

Frankly, it's ridiculous to me.

August 2, 2013

Hold on, we are talking drastic extremes here. All I want to know is her sexual history in the last 2.5 years, as I already know her history before that, which was 3. She's a mom, a career woman, and very intelligent. So I can't imagine her doing crazy stuff so recently. I want to tell her my history so she wouldn't have to ask anymore. Will I be upset about her answer? I don't know. I mean, online dating is very unpredictable. I mean, how many people can you date in 2.5 years when you are only available every other weekend? There are hot and cold streaks where there will be months when you don't go on any dates. The fact that we had sex on 2nd date was very unusual for both of us.

Ask yourself...what do you GAIN by asking? Does it change anything for the positive? Will it make you love her MORE if you know certain things?

No.

There are only two possible outcomes here:

1 - She did absolutely NOTHING of note in those 2.5 years and you basically come exactly the same as you were before.

2 - She did some things during that 2.5 years that you consider untasteful or even makes you absolutely appalled...and now you think less of her.

Is it worth it?

August 2, 2013

For some people, this is a relevant question. And that's okay. You have the right to set the criteria for those you date.

If it's important to you, ask. For those that don't care, don't ask. But you can't pick and choose what other people care about.

You do not morph into a different person as you age. You mature & grow. You learn & evolve. But you are still you. Your past experiences, circumstances, choices... led you to be the person you are today. Life is a book with many chapters. You don't rip out a chapter just because you have changed.

The fact is- it doesn't really matter if it is fair to judge. People judge all the time, regardless of whether it is fair. So we are all at the mercy of other people's judgements. We can't control that. What is we can control is whether we take those judgements to heart. We can also be sure to surround ourselves with nonjudgemental people.

If you are a person with a high number, and the person you are with makes judgements about it- wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you rather be with someone that doesn't judge you for that? Keeping it a secret only prolongs an incompatible relationship.

You can't unring the bell, though. You may want to envision all possible answers to guage what your feelings will be. A lot of people claim not to judge, but planted seeds have a way of popping up subconciously. If she says a high number and you begin to view her differently, if you begin to see her as having less value or worth, then let her go. It wouldn't be fair to her to continue.

I agree with this for the most part.

I still just don't know why you'd enter a r'ship with a woman, claim to love her, experiment sexually, and THEN want to go rootin' around in her history.

Why go looking for trouble or create a problem where there isn't one?

August 2, 2013

As you can see - MANY people feel that way about discussing numbers.

Frankly, it's ridiculous to me.

What Ruby is failing to do (like a lot of people) is to see things from op's POV.

She thinks because SHE is ok with it, that op will be ok as well.

WRONG. Op has shown, quite clearly, in his post history that he is overly obsessed with his gf to the point of codependency.

Any iota of sexual information he learns about his gf will devastate him. He's already made several comments on the so called FWB she had before him that lasted several years.

August 2, 2013

I actually seriously dated a woman who was on drugs while she banged strangers! So no I don't judge people with high numbers. The reason why we broke up was because she couldn't contribute to the relationship....she could not be an equal partner to me because she had no job, no car, no bank account....all because she was doing crazy crap 10+ years before.

August 2, 2013

I actually seriously dated a woman who was on drugs while she banged strangers! So no I don't judge people with high numbers. The reason why we broke up was because she couldn't contribute to the relationship....she could not be an equal partner to me because she had no job, no car, no bank account....all because she was doing crazy crap 10+ years before.

Does your current gf have a job, a car and a bank account?

If she is everything you want NOW, why do you care about anything that happened THEN?

Sign In

Is it ever appropriate to ask the numbers question?

Recommended Posts

Star Gazer

clia

KungFuJoe

dasein

Mascara

Drseussgrrl

Ruby Slippers

Ruby Slippers

Drseussgrrl

Ruby Slippers

Star Gazer

Ruby Slippers

dasein

Phantom888

Menina

Drseussgrrl

Drseussgrrl

Ruby Slippers

Quiet Storm

Drseussgrrl

KungFuJoe

Drseussgrrl

KungFuJoe

Phantom888

KungFuJoe

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...