Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 My woman and I are in a committed relationship. We have both been divorced after a long marriage. We are both 38. We have been together for 2.5 months, but have discussed our future together. In the beginning, I could have sworn she was probing at my history. She would ask what if I had done certain things with other women. I think in the back of her mind, she wanted to know my entire history, but didn't want to ask. Right now I am at this point where I know we are serious, and I want to know about her sexual history. I don't think hers is any lengthy than mine, but I just want to know. Is it ever appropriate to ask the sexual history question?
clia Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't see why it's relevant to anything or why you even want to know. (Especially at age 38...) If you love her, it shouldn't matter. Why would you even be interested in what she may have done sexually with other men? I honestly have never had a guy ask me for my number, nor have I ever asked for his. To me, it's totally irrelevant. You've admitted that you have issues with jealousy, so I don't see what you have to gain by probing into her sexual history. What if you find out she went through a wild period and her number is vastly higher than you think it might be? Then what? I mean, why even go there? 11
Treasa Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Appropriate or not, she could always lie, so why bother asking? I think the only thing you need to know is if she has any STDs or not. 3
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Appropriate or not, she could always lie, so why bother asking? I think the only thing you need to know is if she has any STDs or not. No STDs... she was tested back in February, and I'm the first since the test. We don't use protection. I know it's not relevant, and can potentially hurt the relationship, but I just want to be in an honest relationship for once in my life.
Mascara Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I'm a similar age, and if someone asked me about my "numbers" I'd think we were back in high school. 10
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I'm a similar age, and if someone asked me about my "numbers" I'd think we were back in high school. But back in high school it didnt matter because you are not gonna end up with the person anyway. As a mature adult, it is more significant because doesn't it show you perception of sex and relationships? 1
CarrieT Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I want to know about her sexual history. Be honest here... What will be served by knowing her sexual history? What is it *exactly* that you want to know? If she has done certain acts or kinky things? Or if she is WILLING to do certain things? If it is the latter, than just ask her to do the things you want to know about and see if she is interested. There can be no other purposes in actually knowing about someone's history unless you want to do the same things in which case, you should just do them... If you want to know for other reasons, than you need to be honest about why you want this information and that it might not be healthy for your budding relationship. 6
CarrieT Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 As a mature adult, it is more significant because doesn't it show you perception of sex and relationships? You can learn someone's perception of sex and relationships by having an open and honest discussion about these things without delving into a biography. I have a history of promiscuity during those times of my life in between monogamous relationships. My history is not indicative of my perception of relationships or my ability to discuss sex. Everyone is different, but I don't believe you need a blow-by-blow of someone's history to determine what I think you want to know... 1
Balzac Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 It's way too soon to ask her. IF in a year you still feel the need to know AND you've invested 14 months that you're willing to toss, ask her.
clia Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 But back in high school it didnt matter because you are not gonna end up with the person anyway. As a mature adult, it is more significant because doesn't it show you perception of sex and relationships? I don't necessarily think it does. Maybe if a girl is 18 years old and has slept with 30 guys, that would tell you something about how that woman viewed sex and relationships. But, for a 38 year old woman it is less clear. What if she went through a wild period from age 23-24 and slept with 30 guys? That happened fifteen years ago -- she may well be a totally different person today in terms of sex and relationships. What she did 15 years ago may be totally irrelevant to anything about her today. Hell, what she did two years ago could be irrelevant. People change. Her number over the past year might be significant, but not her number over her entire life. In my view, it is opening a can of worms you can't close. What if you don't like her answer? I mean, you profess to be in love with her, so why does her number even matter? If you love her and are sleeping with her, you must be able to tell how she views relationships and sex. But generally I agree with Mascara above. I'm also 38, and if my boyfriend asked me my number I would think he had lost his mind. 5
Drseussgrrl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 There are some things you can't un-know. I've never heard of anyone having this conversation and coming away from it feeling closer and more bonded. Then again - I've never had this conversation with anyone I've been serious with and I'm 34. The only thing my BF has ever said about my sexual past is, "Babe - I don't care if you were a little bit slutty at one point. Remember I was a 20-year-old college kid, too." :lol: I mean do I really care to know what he did at a frat party 13 years ago with some sorority girl? Who CARES? 9
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Be honest here... If you want to know for other reasons, than you need to be honest about why you want this information and that it might not be healthy for your budding relationship. Very good points. I think the reason I want to know is that I have a preconceived opinion about her when we first met. I just want to verify or justify in my mind that I was right. She is sweet, intelligent, honest and very naive about relationships. She met her ex-husband at age 16, and spent the next 18 years with him. After her divorce, she had a somewhat long and distorted relationship with a man (1 year), and then 3 exclusive relationships afterwards (2-3 months each). This is what she has told me so far, without my asking. In between I know she dated several men... I am guessing 8-9. This is all in a span of 4 years of online dating, considering the fact that she can only date every other weekend because of her child. I don't know... part of me is curious. I also want to tell her about my history so I don't feel there is any "unknowns" between us. She told me about her last relationship where the man kept "dropping a shoe" every few days, meaning new unfavorable facts were discovered. I don't want that.
MrCastle Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 You can ask, just don't get upset when you get an answer you may not like. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Very good points. I think the reason I want to know is that I have a preconceived opinion about her when we first met. I just want to verify or justify in my mind that I was right. She is sweet, intelligent, honest and very naive about relationships. She met her ex-husband at age 16, and spent the next 18 years with him. After her divorce, she had a somewhat long and distorted relationship with a man (1 year), and then 3 exclusive relationships afterwards (2-3 months each). This is what she has told me so far, without my asking. In between I know she dated several men... I am guessing 8-9. This is all in a span of 4 years of online dating, considering the fact that she can only date every other weekend because of her child. I don't know... part of me is curious. I also want to tell her about my history so I don't feel there is any "unknowns" between us. She told me about her last relationship where the man kept "dropping a shoe" every few days, meaning new unfavorable facts were discovered. I don't want that. To me, asking this question is like asking what sort of grade you got on a math test in 10th grade. Completely irrelevant to your relationship. You seem happy, so why do you keep looking for things to rock the boat with? Relax!! 1
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Hell, what she did two years ago could be irrelevant. People change. Her number over the past year might be significant, but not her number over her entire life. Very good points as well. I think I am mostly curious about her history in the last 2.5 years, because I already know her history before that. The last 2.5 years is what she is now...and I want to spend my life with her knowing that she can make good decisions and is cautious where she needs to be. I think that sums up my reasons.
CarrieT Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 What if she went through a wild period from age 23-24 and slept with 30 guys? That happened fifteen years ago -- she may well be a totally different person today in terms of sex and relationships. What she did 15 years ago may be totally irrelevant to anything about her today. ^^^^ THIS ^^^^ In my youth, I was in a marriage that tried Swinging -- to the tune of several HUNDRED sex partners -- which culminated in a divorce before the tender age of 25. Now I am approaching 50 and getting married again after 25 years of dating and a handful of long-term, monogamous relationships. Does my fiance know I've been promiscuous? Sure. He also knows that I am 100% committed to him. Does he know exact numbers? Nope - he doesn't need to...
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 As a general rule, I NEVER ask and make it clear that I don't want to know. It's not even so much a conscious thing, I literally have a visceral reaction anyone someone starts going into any kind of detail about their past sexual escapades, especially numbers. I operate under a don't ask/don't tell policy outside of STD history. I don't want to know what he's done, how many times and with whom and vice versa simply because THOSE people aren't in the bedroom with us so what difference does it make? The most I've said is recently informing my current...whatever that I hadn't had sex in a very long time and wasn't much experienced to begin with. That much I felt was rather pertinent information. Aside from that, It acheives nothing, it serves NO purpose whatsoever. But here's the thing....when we first met she asked WHO I had anal sex with! I am under the impression she is not following the don't ask/don't tell rule. She was counting how many relationships I had in college.... and at one point she said, "ask me anything you want." but I was afraid to.
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 ^^^^ THIS ^^^^ In my youth, I was in a marriage that tried Swinging -- to the tune of several HUNDRED sex partners -- which culminated in a divorce before the tender age of 25. Now I am approaching 50 and getting married again after 25 years of dating and a handful of long-term, monogamous relationships. Does my fiance know I've been promiscuous? Sure. He also knows that I am 100% committed to him. Does he know exact numbers? Nope - he doesn't need to... But here's the thing... i dated a woman who would not give me exact number because she didn't know it. She was high on crack and ecstasy most of the time 10 years prior, and never counted her numbers.
Drseussgrrl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 But here's the thing....when we first met she asked WHO I had anal sex with! I am under the impression she is not following the don't ask/don't tell rule. She was counting how many relationships I had in college.... and at one point she said, "ask me anything you want." but I was afraid to. WTF. Why would she want to know that. Does she want to be introduced? 4
CarrieT Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 But here's the thing... i dated a woman who would not give me exact number because she didn't know it. She was high on crack and ecstasy most of the time 10 years prior, and never counted her numbers. And is she still on crack and ecstasy? Had she changed at all or was she still the drug-addicted person that did all those things? I'm the same way. I don't know my exact number because it is so high.... But it was years ago and I've changed. I'm not the person that slept with so many guys and it is the person I have become that my fiance loves and wants to marry. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 You can ask, just don't get upset when you get an answer you may not like. This. I've always openly discussed my history with every serious partner, and I personally can't fathom not discussing something so personal and revealing. If you want real intimacy and closeness, I think you need to discuss this stuff. But I've been fairly conservative and have only had about a dozen partners, most of them long-term boyfriends, so there's nothing I worry about telling. It seems to me that the only people who don't want to talk about it are those who have a period in their sexual history that they're ashamed of, or worried about being judged for. If you have nothing to hide, why would you hide it? I'm not the person that slept with so many guys and it is the person I have become that my fiance loves and wants to marry. But you are the same person. You may have a different lifestyle, but you're still you. 1
PlumPrincess Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 But back in high school it didnt matter because you are not gonna end up with the person anyway. As a mature adult, it is more significant because doesn't it show you perception of sex and relationships? I've asked about numbers when I was young, stupid and extremely insecure. At 38 you should know better. There's no gain in knowing this kind of details. Judge your girlfriend on how she behaves now, over a longer period of time, that's more interesting. Demonstrating your insecurity by asking about her past will only lower her interest. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I don't want to be blindsided years down the road...like she would mention something and I would not be aware of it. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I have a friend who has only been with 2-3 dudes and she's 31. She is still hung up on the same guy who has repeatedly broken up with her over the course of a decade. She won't sleep with anyone "without a prior STD test and a firm commitment." Which is basically her way of avoiding any sort of intimacy with anyone else aside from her ex, because she won't get to the commitment part. Welp, she's still single and miserable, pining away for that dude. My point being, someone's number generally has no bearing on the sort of partner they'd make. Frankly I feel sorry for anyone who tries to date my friend, god love her.
Drseussgrrl Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't want to be blindsided years down the road...like she would mention something and I would not be aware of it. Blindsided by what? The time she and a dude had sex in the back of a pickup in a cornfield and got busted by Farmer John? 2
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