maturityassets Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) Recently my grandfather just died the other day. A sad event for my family and I, as we buried him yesterday. So anyway I texted my friend's who knew about his cancer and let them know he passed away. They paid their respects. Anyway I decided to text my ex to let her know since she knew as well (breaking 3 months of NC) and it reminded me how I was there for her as her grandfather died as well. I kept the conversation short and here is a transcript of the conversation Me: "You don't owe me anything, but my grandfather passed away. If you wish to pay your respects to my parents a card would suffice. Best of luck with Everything" ex: "Oh no I'm so so sorry :/" ex: "Where should I send the card?" Me: *simply gives the address* ex: "Okay. so other than that how is everything?" Me: "Fine just busy with things, and thanks. Everything alright with you?" EX: "Yeah same here, I guess. At work right now, so slow and so boring ugh lol. How's your mom and dad and AJ *(my best friend)* and your niece" Me: "Yeah, work gets that ways some times. Yeah they are all fine thanks for asking. Anyway not the best of days to talk. Hope your family is doing well. talk to you some other time. and thanks for your condolences again" Ex: "Right, again I'm sorry for your loss hope all is well" *End Conversation* That's an example of an ex seeking nothing more than trying to take opportunity to establish contact just to relieve guilt. If she cared about how I was taking the death she would have asked how I was feeling or how I was taking it. But it was very obvious she just wanted to talk normally. wanted a friendly conversation with me by personally mentioning those she was curious about and expressing her boredom at work. Luckily I have no desire for such a conversation. But I have no desire either for her to be concerned about how I'm doing either in all actuality. I have my current GF who to talk about my feelings over my Grandfather's death; which I have talked to her about. Now some of you might say why even bother trying to make that contact. While I have rationalized it as saying, that I want nothing more for my parents to be given respect and that she knew about the condition so she could know. Deep down the emotions are what are key. The death of my grandfather triggered a sense of loneliness or shame, not available to talk to Gf at the time, therefore reminded me of being there for my ex, maybe an opportunity of emotional black mail or returning the favor, my desire of showing I'm civil, and etc. Anyway I just wanted to post this to the love shack community so they can view it as an example. Thanks all! Edited August 2, 2013 by maturityassets
Philosoraptor Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 First, I am sorry for your loss. "That's an example of an ex seeking nothing more than trying to take opportunity to establish contact just to relieve guilt. " You started the contact, she was NC for 3 months at that point, and honestly there was no reason to contact her and start the conversation at all. You opened this can of worms and if I were in her position, with anyone I hadn't spoken to for 3 months, I would have done the same thing. Give condolances, ask otherwise how they are doing to try to keep the conversation light (there is enough pain going on already), and end with another "I'm sorry for your loss" type of statement. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. 4
Author maturityassets Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 First, I am sorry for your loss. "That's an example of an ex seeking nothing more than trying to take opportunity to establish contact just to relieve guilt. " You started the contact, she was NC for 3 months at that point, and honestly there was no reason to contact her and start the conversation at all. You opened this can of worms and if I were in her position, with anyone I hadn't spoken to for 3 months, I would have done the same thing. Give condolances, ask otherwise how they are doing to try to keep the conversation light (there is enough pain going on already), and end with another "I'm sorry for your loss" type of statement. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. Thanks for your condolences as well. Ooo I'm fine with it all. Its understandable. I didn't expect any fawning on her part even if subconsciously wanted that sense of power/pleasure/curiosity. Very much aware of my personal emotional state in the matter and I constantly reflect on the things I do. Just seek to better confirm my identity in these trials of intense emotion. I also like to express myself on these forums. They have become pretty therapeutic and helpful in my reflections. I just wanted to give this example of how nothing has changed in the dynamics of it all and others can certainly be reminded why they don't change. Back to living my life again though.
GG3 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 You sound really full of yourself. If I had been in her shoes I would have said the exact same things. Actually I think it's pretty rude to tell someone they can send a card. People can decide for themselves whether or not to send anything or do nothing at all. She wasn't trying to alleviate guilt...you contacted her. 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Gosh, we really can't win it can we? Tough things to navigate, feelings... Sorry for your loss
Author maturityassets Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 You sound really full of yourself. If I had been in her shoes I would have said the exact same things. Actually I think it's pretty rude to tell someone they can send a card. People can decide for themselves whether or not to send anything or do nothing at all. She wasn't trying to alleviate guilt...you contacted her. I don't mean to come off as smug or full of myself. Sometimes I am bitter and confused. I do get into dark episodes and i acknowledge that. She didn't know about his death, and I considered inviting her as well to the service, i couldn't deal with seeing her again at this point. I try my best to navigate through this sea of confusion and know i do regret and have relapses. I just try my best. Probably me trying to alleviate my own guilt of how it ended badly. But I wasn't even trying to talk about sending the card. I was just talking about the small talk is all. I can't pretend to have small talk is all. I know why I sent the things I did. Because if it was reverse position i would have wanted to reach out, and you know its sometimes selfish to do things on your own accord. I know that. And sometimes I am selfish in response to my emotions. I'm 20 years old. Things are melodramatic for no reason and they are laughable when viewed in the correct light. Maybe I looked too deep into it. Maybe I acted irrationally. Maybe I just desire contact. I don't know. All I know are my emotions and what I try to do with my relationship with others. I'm merely trying to learn, and maybe pass down whatever I experienced as something others can understand. My emotions are the only things I know that are real, even if I believe myself to be a fraud
esteem-jam Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Dunno what the traditions are at your place, maybe its a card, maybe smth else, doesnt matter. Here people would say the day, place of the funeral. There is usually a table so guests can snack and drink a bit of alcohol. Me: "Fine just busy with things, and thanks. Everything alright with you?" IMO, should have been like this: Me: "Fine just busy with things, and thanks." I know if I would not get an answer I would start climbing on the walls or alike. Dont ask for information, and dont volunteer information, thats the way, IMO.
Sugarkane Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I don't know if this is really an example of a dumper trying to be friends. Did you contact her first? It sounds like your ex is just trying to be polite. Nothing about being friends and seeing you.
lop98 Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Sorry about your loss A close relative recently passed away too (funny how our stories continue to have so many similarities) after months in intensive care.. also been over 3 months NC, also have a partner who's been wonderfully supportive and I'm in love with... it never crossed my mind not even for a second to contact my ex, even if he would've cared... that person is out of my life and I considered this loss a private matter since it's family, it's not like a friend in common, sure there was affection but its link was you, reason why she was not checking up on him during his last days or taking care of anything. Taking your ex out of the picture, I think this move speaks for feelings you need to acknowledge and continue working on so you can heal and not affect your current relationship... I get the impression that you feel way more ahead of the process than you really are and this can lead to decisions like this, awkward and inconsequential for now but with potential for disaster if you pair them up with more. 1
Author maturityassets Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Yeah, I realized I looked too deep into it. I apologize. Sometimes I just don't even expect politeness from people because I feel like being polite is too formal even for me at this point. Just a confusing time is all. Breaking co-dependent habits are actually quite difficult. I'll try my best for my sake to not look so deep into things or project my own feelings on others. Thanks again all. Maybe I feel regret even posting this. Guess I'll deal with that though.
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