Getting back in touch with him

[alexjames88]

What is your advice in this situation

 

I had an ex that loved me deeply as I did him. I had so many problems, addiction issues, erectile dysfunction, heavy smoker, manic at times, terrible lifestyle. I didn't love myself and was deeply unhappy. This took its toll on our relationship.

 

We broke up amicably and he found it very difficult. We met several times afterwards and he felt like he was walking on eggshells with me. He didn't want to hurt or upset me because he saw that I was fragile.

 

About one year later he started to date again.

 

I deleted him form my life completely. I changed my life and sorted out my ED, addiction problems and started to love myself for probably the first time in my life. As it stands there is no way he would be able to contact me if he wanted to.

 

I want to get back into contact with him.

Edited August 2, 2013 by alexjames88

[Philosoraptor]

I want to get back into contact with him.

If you have straightened out your life, then do so. Worst that can happen is you get no response or shot down.

 

If he is dating anyone seriously right now you have to respect that though. Just be friendly and see what happens.

[alexjames88]

"Do you for now" - what do you mean?

 

The last time I contacted him I told him I still loved him etc. He never responded but kept me as a "friend". I sent that message at the worst time because later I discovered he had just started to date again. I waited months for a response at the time and thats what led me to delete him. I know if I had been stronger eventually some response would have come.

 

He is single at present.

 

Previously he stated he wanted to friends but nothing special to me from when we broke up to 8 months afterwards.

 

What I mean by treading on eggshells is - I was not volatile or explosive with him. It was just he saw I was vulnerable and he worried if he said he did not want to meet me or something that he was unhappy (when we were dating) that it would upset me so he didn't say anything for a long time. It was sweet of him if the wrong thing to do. But not something I asked him to do.

 

I don't think I put him through hell. Yes the break up was incredibly difficult for both of us and therefore we suffered but not because either of us was trying to harm the other. It was just emotions from breaking up.

 

He could not see a future with me and I can with hindsight and perspective see there was no future with who he saw me as. I was just a mess.

 

I will contact him one day but I worry it is too soon. I think it is good we both have dated other people so he will see me as neutral.

 

I have tried to forget him. I have tried to "move on". But what does that even mean? If it means dating and sleeping with other people and giving it a lot of time but still missing him then it has not worked for me.

 

I have tried everything I can. When we were breaking up I even said to him "I am not what you want" to try and make it easier for him to move on at the time.

 

Hell when we were dating I went over to his place and told him a whole load of lies about myself...I made up bad things about myself so he would hate me and break up with me. Because I didn't want him to be hurt breaking up with me and I wanted him to end it (because I was too pathetic to do it). I didn;t want to end it but I was addicted and didn't want him to suffer that journey with me. But it didn't work or not immediately. He still loved me and dated me for months afterwards. I am not sure he believed it anyway.

 

The reason I deleted facebook and him without saying goodbye was because he had not replied previously. All the advice from friends was just delete it. So I would not torture myself waiting for a response from the message I sent him. The message was dumb thing to do. I just want to meet again. No baggage or suddenly confessing love. Just neutral. Time can give you that I know. But not sure if enough time has passed. I know in my heart we will meet again.

 

You guys can demonize me or think I am dumb but I am trying my best here. It isn't easy to deal with alcoholism, erectile dysfunction, quit smoking and turn your business and personal life around. It is even harder to do when you have no money to do it. I wish he didn't mean anything to me. But he does and I have removed myself from limbo as much as I can but I am not sure there is anything else I can do to "move on"?

Edited August 2, 2013 by alexjames88

[LinkWorshiper]

I hate to sound callous, but it could just be that he's not someone who has the compassion to understand what you are handling. My ex, who I hope to reconcile with, broke up with me because (to cut a long story short) his addictions and inability to pay attention to himself were getting in the way of him being able to understand his complications, and therefore, also mine. Or anyone else's really. He's spent the better part of the year trying to fix a lot of that stuff, and I honestly only think that it's been in the past few months that he's started to make serious progress. Of course I always freak out that the bottom will fall out any second, but that's what I have to work on in myself -- being confident, that is. But I try really hard to be empathetic to what he is dealing with and his growing even if it isn't always easy.

 

Anyway, my point is that I think that if your man is having a hard time appreciating how far you've come and appreciating you as a person, it has less to do with you.

[alexjames88]

Understanding my Ex is very, very difficult. He speaks very little and this makes him mysterious. Both sexy and frustrating. Just the way he is.

 

On on hand I feel like maybe he is not very romantic and compassionate and on the other hand I know he did a lot to protect my feelings even when he was very unhappy. That's a loving man right there!

 

I think if the sex had actually been half decent and had I given anything to my ex of what he needed then we would of been together longer and maybe worked things through. I mention sex not because I think it's the sole reason why somebody should break up with someone after they have said they love them. But to demonstrate that I was not meeting any of my partner's needs.

 

In the end at least for him all that was left was the strong feeling he had in his heart for me. But nothing else. None of his needs were being met. It didn't feel like a relationship in the end.

 

At one point I know he was very angry for me to not being able to change. At the same time he didn't feel like either of us should change to make another happy. But when the alcohol is killing you you of course know you must change.

[LinkWorshiper]

Maybe it's just that he has to do a little growing. You worked on changing yourself, and I don't think it's fair if he's not at least trying to understand your struggles.

[alexjames88]

I don't know. Everyday I tell myself he is probably not thinking about me at all..After such a long time why would or should he be. I know he is looking for new dates etc so he probably doesn't think about me.

 

I am sure had I of taken his friendship after break up and not constantly pushed to get back together he would be considerate and thoughtful. I really could not imagine a scenario where he would cut me out of his life all together had I of not pushed to be more than friends which therefore was causing him pain etc.

 

As a friend maybe he would of accepted my struggles.

 

I try to view myself from another persons point of view. Having addition issues is not attractive or desirable in a partner and I have to understand this. If he had them would I be willing to go back or keep them in my life?!

 

I really don't know what is going to happen between me and him. Truthfully I feel like it isn't all over. I feel like I will meet him again etc and we will talk again. You know when in your heart you feel something and sometimes you are lying to yourself?! I don;t feel that way. I don't feel like I am lying to myself about talking to him again. I feel like we will meet again.

 

Of course he may never ever respond to me again. I don't know. I know if he never did respond given a lot of time in the future it would be more because it caused him pain emotionally more than anything else.

 

We are very different people and we always will be. But I do believe we want the same things and as I said I have changed a lot (hopefully) and am more than willing to compramize for him. I miss him way more than I would miss cigarettes, booze (although addiction is more complicated than just missing something) and a bad and crazy lifestyle. We both or at least he did wanted to be family to each other and a long term committed relationship.

 

I do also think though that there is never ever going to be a "ok alex let's get back together moment". If it ever did happen then it would be a falling for one another kind of thing over time and meets at this point.

 

I don't know though. Every time I have tried to presume or guess about him and his responses etc I am always wrong.

 

I understand how I was exhausting to be in a relationship though. He was always worried about me. Telling me to eat more ( I was so skinny and always had been. Unhealthy weight because I am so tall found it harder etc).

 

Anyway I had a casual fling with a new guy about 8 months after break up. It was only a long weekend sort of thing. But the new guy said kinda the same things. "You gotta eat more. You gotta be nicer to people. You gotta take care of yourself. You don't seem that steady etc". So obviously I was giving out this vibe etc that just wasn't condusive with being in a relationship. So I don;t think my ex was being a teacher and critic just genuinly concearned about me. As I said he is really sweet.

 

I am gonna find out if he is dating somebody new. If he is I won;t contact him. I just cannot see him wanting to get in contact with an ex when he would be with somebody new. If we were ex's and had been friends before he met a new guy then remaining friends etc would be cool for everybody. But it would be weird to make friends with an ex when you are dating somebody new. I think I would be killing my chances of any kind of relationship with him if he was dating somebody new and I contacted him again.

 

I don't know. Love really sucks. I am trying to fight for him but at the same time get on with my life and let him live his. I don't want to pester him etc it isn't fair and is not going to do me any favours either.

 

Hopefully one day we will be together again and all of this heartache would have been worth it. I would rather spend time and eventually be with him than never get back with him and therefore not be with the person I really love.

[LinkWorshiper]

I dunno dude. There are some things you said I really empathize with. I understand what it's like to be in love with someone and unsure if they will ever want you again, and you are hopeful that you are reading the signs correctly.

 

I think that no matter what the situation is, you should do what's in your gut. If you think in your gut that it's better to leave him alone, then do it. If you do that, and it hurts too much, then contact him. I don't think there should be any rules other than being true to yourself and doing what is best for you. And only you can know what that is, even if everybody in this forum tells you something different. I think that if you continue to improve yourself, it will show... even if you can't tell, it will. I promise. And I say that because the other day, I was being down on myself (as usual) that my ex could never love me again, and then my friend's boyfriend, who I've just met, made a comment that he admired what a positive person I was, even when it was hard. And I was floored, because I feel like I just try and try and it gets me nowhere. So trust me, people see when you try, even if you don't always feel it. Just keep swimming!

[alexjames88]

That is good to know! I hope people can see improvements.

 

I am not sure why it is taking me so long but that is reality.

 

My biggest worry is and I know this for a fact based on our past history that he will have forgotten a lot about me.

 

I am keeping him alive in my mind. By thinking about him everyday he is still vivid. Where in his mind I probably do not enter it anymore.

 

Maybe he never wants to hear from me again.