waterwoman Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) ...brand new ...so young ...like a natural woman. blah blah blah. Having been spending a while on this and various other relationship websites looking for advice while H and I reconcile, I have noticed again and again how often people in relationships state 'he/she makes me feel so .....' etc. IE he/she proves I am a desirable/attractive/worthy person. H has never blamed me for his affair directly but has on more than one occasion told he didn't feel loved at the time. So he found a classic damsel in distress so he could feel like a brave and worthy knight errant. And all those effing tedious love songs about how the love object makes us feeeellll. I AM a natural woman why do I need anyone to make me feel like that? I used to love listening to Motown but I must admit I find it hard to listen to all that bleating and wailing about lurve, and longing and misery ...god almighty GET A GRIP. I have reached a point now where I am in my marriage because I want to be. I don't need H to make me feel good. If he ever feels unhappy again he tells me so and we see what we can do. Ditto for me...I won't put up with another moment of the pain I have been through over some of the last 12 months. Otherwise he can eff off to the the other side of **** and stay there. I refuse to be in the place where he put me with his nonsense ever again. So there! (Disclaimer: none of the above may pertain tomorrow as I may myself be back to bleating and wailing. The writer retains the right to return to bleating and wailing as appropriate) Edited August 2, 2013 by waterwoman 6
BetrayedH Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Yep, my feelings about luurve are similar. Too much need for others to make us feel good about ourselves. People are so damn desperate for it that they make idiotic decisions. "Get a grip" is right. 2
Spark1111 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Haha! Love it WW! My H's affair sounds so eerily Similiar. I even found Knights on white horses in his office that she had gifted him. But she had apparently done this before, so she may have had some practice. Sadly, I looked at him and recounted all that was going on in my life during his affair and said I sure could have used some kind and decent man to rescue me then.... My one brother was big in the music industry. he told me that 80% of all popular music is about unrequited love, I.e., the one that got away. Needless to say, I was very, very careful about the music I could listen to during year two when the anger started to rise up from my toes. 1
Author waterwoman Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Sadly, I looked at him and recounted all that was going on in my life during his affair and said I sure could have used some kind and decent man to rescue me then.... Too right!!! Hell I was depressed and suicidal! it would appear that her showing him the blades she used for self-harming showed how close she felt to him and required sympathy. The fact that I didn't tell him I spent an hour or so loitering around a bridge trying to pluck up courage to jump off it proved I was selfish and didn't trust him - not that he had been such an intolerant and uncaring arse that, at the time, I wouldn't trust him with such intimate matters if he was the last human being on earth. I pulled myself up and out of the mud that winter - got back to normal and then dday happened. Never never never going to let anyone hurt me like that ever again. Luuuurve just isn't worth all that crap. 1
Spark1111 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 no, it is not. but I did learn somewhere along the last 6 years that I had adopted the role of Uberwife WHO HANDLES IT ALL. And he had encouraged that so he could beat the bushes to provide. So I lost him to a very smart, needy drama queen. I WILL NOT make that mistake again. Today, I manage very little. I often defer to him. I let things slide. I let him step up to the plate. I voice my insecurities, my bad moods, my upset and pain. I have learned how to be vulnerable with him. I do not have to fix it all anymore.
Snowflower Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Haha! Love it WW! My one brother was big in the music industry. he told me that 80% of all popular music is about unrequited love, I.e., the one that got away. Needless to say, I was very, very careful about the music I could listen to during year two when the anger started to rise up from my toes. Lol, I thought I was being overly-sensitive to some of the themes in songs. I still will not listen to country music either. For one thing, that was the music genre that H and xOW liked to bond over and so many of those songs are about unrequited love or finding long-lost love or whatever. Yuck. I was so-so about country music pre-affair but have never gained any of my lost love for it since. 1
dichotomy Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 hooo boy... Spent alot of time in therapy (IC) and MC on the issue of "you make me feel" and self esteem. There are really two steps first one being the most important 1) Focusing on your own feelings and self esteem and being in charge of them and not letting others define or control them. I feel more centered and self assured than I have in a long time. 2) Coming to deal with the fact that others (particularly your spouse) may not feel or think the way you wish them to about you - or others - or other things. This is not about letting them change how you feel about yourself - but finding a way to cope with how they do feel - something close to "the serenity prayer" comes to mind when I am couples therapy dealing with aftermath of EA and her past in general. 2
ladydesigner Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't need H to make me feel good. If he ever feels unhappy again he tells me so and we see what we can do. Ditto for me...I won't put up with another moment of the pain I have been through over some of the last 12 months. Otherwise he can eff off to the the other side of **** and stay there. I refuse to be in the place where he put me with his nonsense ever again. *raising a glass* absofreakinglutley!!! BTW my WH is the same way. Needs constant validation, if it stops for 15 seconds he thinks no one loves him (boo hoo). MOW felt the same way I guess. They really were perfect for each other in their broken states. Both needing the other one to save them and make them feel better. I have never been like this so I will never understand it.
ladydesigner Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 hooo boy... Spent alot of time in therapy (IC) and MC on the issue of "you make me feel" and self esteem. There are really two steps first one being the most important 1) Focusing on your own feelings and self esteem and being in charge of them and not letting others define or control them. I feel more centered and self assured than I have in a long time. 2) Coming to deal with the fact that others (particularly your spouse) may not feel or think the way you wish them to about you - or others - or other things. This is not about letting them change how you feel about yourself - but finding a way to cope with how they do feel - something close to "the serenity prayer" comes to mind when I am couples therapy dealing with aftermath of EA and her past in general. Wow thank you for posting this. You gave me an A-ha moment, I needed to read this today. I can't tell you how much this makes sense to me. 1
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