Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 I would agree. The whole point you are not together is that YOU cannot give your OM what he would desire. So you are feeling sorry for yourself. You want him to put up with a half relationship - while you have a home life and him as well? If it makes you so sad, then you are the only one that can change this. If you cared for him enough you would realise why he is hurting - because of you and your lack of action. Surely if you love someone enough the most important thing is you want that person to be happy? Would anyone really be happy being the side dish? You want him to continue in a situation that will harm him emotionally and possibly physically? I can imagine how he is hurting. Because you cannot make up your mind what you want in your life. Yes, I was the one who couldn't nurture the relationship. I don't blame him for ending it and I love and respect him greatly. I just hope he doesn't end up hating me after all (he said he never would) for all the years I kept him "on the hook".
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 I just want to say I don't mean to sound harsh. But I guess also I have also just been involved with a xMM who lied to me at first that he was in fact married.....I would not have got involved with him if I had known that in the first place. I have gone NC. I am sure he is feeling sorry for himself too, but he will not sort out his unhappy marriage. I cannot live a half life with him, having to always work around his married life and kids, being felt like I have to be a secret. Sacrificing my chance to have a real family and share a home with someone. He could sort out his marriage and be with me but he chooses not to. That is his decision, and if he is hurting then well he is the only one that can stop that hurt...and in the meantime he is living with a woman whom he doesnt really love, and frankly treats rather badly. Surely she deserves to have a good life as well? If he does not love her then he should let her be free to meet someone who will really appreciate her and love her and care for her and won't cheat on her. In the long run she will be more happy, rather than living with a man who is lying to her all the time.... I was upfront with my husband 6 months into the EA. That is how he became hypercontrolling (I wasn't allowed to have a cellphone), and spying on computers and phones. The marriage is truly a disaster, if anyone could see the whole picture of it, they would think I'm so pathetic to still be in it. He's treated me very badly. I need to learn how not to be a doormat. I think I need to go back to IC, and possibly ask him to go to MC, where I want to ask for the counselor's help in making it as amicable as possible for the kids.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 NC isn't pay back. It's not about you. It's about him needing to move on. If you can't give him what he needs and wants he cannot stay by your side eternally accepting breadcrumbs. You hold the power to make things different and if you refuse/can't...he has no choice but to move on and implement NC to heal. I am sorry you are hurting, but don't take it as something being done TO you...but FOR him. Maybe that will help you deal with it better? Btw, I don't think any of the posts are harsh. I realize I'm writing on OM/OW forum, so you're all mostly on the other side. I know it's for him, and I do accept that, but it just doesn't make the pain any less. I know it's not easy on him either, and it doesn't help to know he's hurting too.
mysterylover Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Keep it short and simple NC with my ex. Now she texted me asking if i miss her. I dont know what to reply now.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Fanine, I can really relate with what you've said. I, too, extricated myself from an unhappy marriage...which was THE most difficult and honest thing I've done. To leave a marriage not because of some major event, but because it simply was not and could not be fulfilling enough. Both exH and I healed and moved on and then I found myself involved with a MM who represented himself as divorcing. Yeah, well that wasn't the case and I got so tired of hearing all the excuses as to why HIS situation was so unique that it was terribly difficult to initiate the process of leaving. It was really insulting to me after all I'd been through in my own marriage. I still can't believe I ended up in that mess. Thank god I got out and am healing, not accepting bread crumbs from a chicken married man. It is incredibly difficult. The thing that makes mine worse, is that my husband will argue anything I say, rewrite history, say he's a changed man and something is wrong with me that I can't forgive him. He wouldn't accept any accountability. Then, he would play victim to the kids.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 There has been a cycle of abuse for years, and instead of getting out while I still had any self-worth, I let it steal everything from me and lived in denial.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Keep it short and simple NC with my ex. Now she texted me asking if i miss her. I dont know what to reply now. It takes so much willpower for me not to write him. I'd like to send him that message, but I won't because I know he wants to be done. If you're NC, maybe you shouldn't respond, or maybe just respond casually or change the subject like....I'm just hanging out here at such and such...etc.
mysterylover Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I'll take note of that. Cause she was the one who dumped me, and I went needy as I was not in the state of mind. Now that she drop me this text, i don't if i should just pull back more or just by replying.. "Sometimes I do" - I wonder if this is bad.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 I'll take note of that. Cause she was the one who dumped me, and I went needy as I was not in the state of mind. Now that she drop me this text, i don't if i should just pull back more or just by replying.. "Sometimes I do" - I wonder if this is bad. Generally, you just want to act like you don't care. That's what's killing me on this NC thing. I do care, but each day I have to convince myself I don't.
mysterylover Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 That's the thing bout this whole NC rules. Turns me crazy. You have to do it like as if you're fishing.
fanine Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I was upfront with my husband 6 months into the EA. That is how he became hypercontrolling (I wasn't allowed to have a cellphone), and spying on computers and phones. The marriage is truly a disaster, if anyone could see the whole picture of it, they would think I'm so pathetic to still be in it. He's treated me very badly. I need to learn how not to be a doormat. I think I need to go back to IC, and possibly ask him to go to MC, where I want to ask for the counselor's help in making it as amicable as possible for the kids. I can understand that you are hurting. If your marriage is a disaster then it is not surprising you are missing the OM. When you were in contact with him I'm sure it must have made your marriage more bearable. He gave you some comfort, some attention, some happiness. Now he is not around you have to face the reality of your home situation. I would say concentrate on working out your home situation, and put your energy into that. We do only have one life and you deserve some happiness. Go to MC if you can get him to go. Do you have family who can give you some support? That would help greatly too. I don't know if you have been fairly quiet to people that you know that you are unhappy. No-one guessed that I was unhappy in my marriage, but in hindsight I wish I had talked more to other people about it. It came to a complete shock to many when I said it was over. You are carrying a big burden on your shoulders. You need people to help you carry that load. Not the OM though, as that is unfair on him....yes miss him but realise that he is an innocent party in all this in a sense. If you had a happy marriage you would not have turned to him.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 I can understand that you are hurting. If your marriage is a disaster then it is not surprising you are missing the OM. When you were in contact with him I'm sure it must have made your marriage more bearable. He gave you some comfort, some attention, some happiness. Now he is not around you have to face the reality of your home situation. I would say concentrate on working out your home situation, and put your energy into that. We do only have one life and you deserve some happiness. Go to MC if you can get him to go. Do you have family who can give you some support? That would help greatly too. I don't know if you have been fairly quiet to people that you know that you are unhappy. No-one guessed that I was unhappy in my marriage, but in hindsight I wish I had talked more to other people about it. It came to a complete shock to many when I said it was over. You are carrying a big burden on your shoulders. You need people to help you carry that load. Not the OM though, as that is unfair on him....yes miss him but realise that he is an innocent party in all this in a sense. If you had a happy marriage you would not have turned to him. I'm pretty much an open book, so my family and just about anyone I know has knowledge that I'm not happy in my marriage. Not only that, but my mom, brother, and cousin know about my EA. It came to a point where nobody talked on the phone about it (since it was/is spyed on). I feel a lot of guilt over OM, because I brought us SO close together emotionally over such a long period of time (4 1/2 years) only to have basically nothing to give him. Yet, I continued it because I love him, he made me feel amazing, he encouraged me and inspired me. So much the opposite of my marriage. Even since I told H that EA is over, he doesn't seem very grateful for that. He just doesn't love me, except for familiarity and convenience. When I have the divorce talk, he'll swear that he does love me, but nobody has ever hated me more than this man has. I'm glad if OM moves on and finds happiness, but it would be amazing to know what it would be like to be with him. So much unfinished business. I'm going to stop those thoughts though, because I know my thoughts are controlling my feelings.
LimeBlue Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Generally, you just want to act like you don't care. That's what's killing me on this NC thing. I do care, but each day I have to convince myself I don't. It's killing me. How do we continue to pretend we don't care?
Cocochai Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 It seems like the Woman in the bad marriage are more willing to divorce in a bad marriage then the Mm. Why is that?
waytogo Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I can't believe no one has pointed out one obvious, glaring question. Sad, I truly am sorry for how bad you feel. I really am. What man (or woman, but this case man) sits in a deadend relationship for 4 1/2 yrs with no sex, nothing that resembles anything of a relationship other than talking?! Has this guy ever even had a date? I don't mean to be rude. It seems you had a fan in a very desperate man. Maybe you really needed a fan. I'm sorry if you needed one so badly. Please think how, and I don't say this with cruelty, pathetic this guy is. He needs a true fan worse than you. Please give him that chance. There's nothing for him on your sideline.
Praying4Peace Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I can't believe no one has pointed out one obvious, glaring question. Sad, I truly am sorry for how bad you feel. I really am. What man (or woman, but this case man) sits in a deadend relationship for 4 1/2 yrs with no sex, nothing that resembles anything of a relationship other than talking?! Has this guy ever even had a date? I don't mean to be rude. It seems you had a fan in a very desperate man. Maybe you really needed a fan. I'm sorry if you needed one so badly. Please think how, and I don't say this with cruelty, pathetic this guy is. He needs a true fan worse than you. Please give him that chance. There's nothing for him on your sideline. I don't think it's fair to call him pathetic. It's possible he did go on dates and try to meet someone single. But it's honestly not possible when your heart is emotionally connected to someone else. Especially when that someone else is in a truly CRAP marriage and you don't want to abandon them bc you want them to be able to offer your support (that's what love means). The fact that he saved himself and went NC with her shows he's not pathetic, it shows the most unbelievable strength and belief in himself. He's probably suffering greatly and questioning if OP ever cared- both bc she ditched him (he may have gone NC but ultimately she's the one who could change the situation and decided she couldn't) and because in his eyes she prefers her H to him even after it's clear the marriage is not good. OP I wish you good luck in healing and I hope you'll have no regrets. You may think that years down the line if you're single he will be there but it's not the case when you hurt someone so badly. After 4.5 years, it must be devastating. 2
Quiet Storm Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 It seems like the Woman in the bad marriage are more willing to divorce in a bad marriage then the Mm. Why is that? Men usually only divorce if their wives are an addict, alcoholic, mentally ill, or physically abusive. They don't usually divorce for love. Women will divorce for love and "feelings".
RickFox Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 It's killing me. How do we continue to pretend we don't care? You know what, it goes against everything I have ever felt, but it sucks, at least for me, knowing my xmw doesn't/didn't/won't care but may actually care. I don't know whether everyone's ex whatever wasn't playiing a game, hell I don't know if my xmw was or wasn't, but I know that not knowing drove me nuts. To see her and her acting like I was nothing, that hurt more than anything else. I guess in the end if she said, I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, I have to make my marriage work or at least try to, and I know it will be hard for both of us, but that's the way it has to be, I would have been hurt but man, at least I would have known that it wasn't for a game or what have you. Rather I got the don't ever talk to me and leave me alone speech and the cold shoulder and I dont care attitude when in the same room. Through a series of events, I may understand more but even then, the behaviors are puzzling, especially since men and women see things so very different and react so differently as well. It's the games, the games that drive me nuts, just be honest and be done with it.... if only it were so easy 1
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 I don't think it's fair to call him pathetic. It's possible he did go on dates and try to meet someone single. But it's honestly not possible when your heart is emotionally connected to someone else. Especially when that someone else is in a truly CRAP marriage and you don't want to abandon them bc you want them to be able to offer your support (that's what love means). The fact that he saved himself and went NC with her shows he's not pathetic, it shows the most unbelievable strength and belief in himself. He's probably suffering greatly and questioning if OP ever cared- both bc she ditched him (he may have gone NC but ultimately she's the one who could change the situation and decided she couldn't) and because in his eyes she prefers her H to him even after it's clear the marriage is not good. OP I wish you good luck in healing and I hope you'll have no regrets. You may think that years down the line if you're single he will be there but it's not the case when you hurt someone so badly. After 4.5 years, it must be devastating. This is absolutely true. His heart was with me, so how would he want to look elsewhere? I was essentially holding him prisoner, and starving him. Yes, looking back and reflecting now, I wonder if he would want anything at all to do with me, even if I do get a divorce now, after all the pain (it's been hurtful to both of us that we couldn't be together). Still, I can't be thinking that he has ANYTHING to do with my decision to divorce. It should've been done LONG before he came into the scene. I want to divorce WITHOUT thinking there's someone waiting in the wings.
Speakingofwhich Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 NC IS payback for crumbs. These are very high stakes games we play. You can only disappoint/frustrate someone in love for so long before you have to make sacrifices or pay the price of losing them. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!! 1
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