Husband Confesses to Cheating

[ladybugg]

I have moved my post to the infidelity forum as it was in the wrong category. Thank you to other posters who redirected me here to the infidelity forum. Never thought I'd be here, but here I am....................I have been married 27 years and 2 months ago my husband confessed to me that 10 months ago he cheated on me with a prostitute. This transaction took place when he was on a business trip to Manila, Phillipines. He was approached in mid-afternoon asked if he was by himself and wanted afternoon "company", and he said yes. He was going to the mall which was across the street from the New World Makati Hotel where he was staying when he was approached. Five minute walk back to the hotel, they have sex with protection, according to my husband she did put a condom on him. He said as soon as he started to have sex he stopped and realized what the f**k am I doing. Paid the prostitute $50 USD and she was outta there! He covered this up for 10 months. We had a very good sex life, foreplay, cuddling, on a regular basis so why he made this decision baffles me! Prior to his confession he was having night sweats, forgetfulness(we work together in our company business, and I wasn't able to go on the business trip), he lost 25 lbs in the process. I have gone for STD/HIV testing (2x now) results are negative, thank goodness. Husband got tested as well, and he was negative. He now sleeps in the guest bedroom and there is no more sex since his confession. We did 2 months of marriage counselling(I think we went too soon, as I was still in that "fog" state). We spoke to our catholic priest as well. Husband has asked me to forgive him, he doesn't know why he did this, the only comment he ever really said was "I got caught up in the moment". He knew from day one that adultery was not acceptable in our marriage, but he did it anyway. Our catholic priest said to us that forgiveness and reconciliation are two entirely separate issues. For sure, you cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness, but forgiveness is only one step on the path to that reconciliation. Do I stay in the marriage or do I leave, right now I don't have the answer. Only time will tell! Thanks for allowing me to tell my story of betrayal.

[Spark1111]

I am so sorry for your pain, but you have a lot of things going for you and your marriage.

 

he confessed. The guilt caused him untold stress AND he was immediately willing to go to MC with the priest.

 

these are all signs of someone who is repentant.

 

Whether or not you can forgive his transgression is up to you and you alone.

 

You can go to MC too soon. I did. I was still too angry to have it be effective. We went back many months later after both he and I had been in IC for a while.

 

I would suggest you take a wait and see attitude before making any life altering decisions.

 

I would also suggest you educate yourself regarding infidelity because knowledge is empowering.

 

perhaps you and he would benefit from IC? I recommend someone who is well experienced in helping couples over the devastation of it, AND is successfully married long-term themselves.

[BetrayedH]

Spark's post is spot-on (as they typically are).

 

My take is that reconciliation after infidelity requires two things: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse.

 

It can take a while to determine if a wayward is truly remorseful (as in, years). Your H appears to be way ahead of the curve if he's voluntarily confessed to an indiscretion that he could have taken to the grave and is onboard with MC, etc..

 

Whether or not you can forgive is something you have the luxury of taking your time to decide. If he doesn't like how long it takes, make sure he is aware of the location of the door so he can leave.

 

I would also reinforce what Spark said about educating yourself about affairs. Knowledge helps. You'll better notice red flags that show a lack of remorse and it'll help you find your own voice. So keep reading and keep posting.