lonewolf77 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Hey guys, I knew this girl 10 years ago, we even spent some time together and really hit it off but she was at that time fighting with her boyfriend / temporarily broken up. So we didnt actually date but just spent time together as we had mutual close friends. We kept in touch for a while but i sort of stopped contact once she got engaged as i knew her boyfriend didnt like our friendship and i dont blame him as i did have a crush on her although never acted on it. 2 years ago she got divorced as she discovered when her 2nd child was 8 months old that her husband had been cheating on her various times even before she got engaged. Also the last one is a full blown long term affair with a work colleague who was married and had a kid of her own. Even though she tried to make it work with her husband through counselling etc, he still didnt seem to want to fix whatever was broken in the marriage as well as wasnt sure he still loved her and wanted out. So in the end they divorced. A short while later she had a rebound relationship with apparently a jerk...during which her house got burnt down and she lost most of her belongings as well as her 2 kids belongings. After which due to monetary issues she lost her business as well.... We did get back in touch a year ago or so on Facebook and just occasionally spoke. We started to talk alot more during the last couple of months and then she kept asking me to come and visit her / stay with her for a few days (she lives in another state / 1 hour flight). In the end i did go over and we really hit it off well both physically and ..I think... emotionally and mentally. Also even though i had never thought i would want to date / get serious with someone who already had kids, i realised that was not the case in this scenario. As I was surprised how well i got along with the kids and how well they seemed to get along with me, i really liked them and realised i would be happy to have them and her in my life / marriage etc etc. The kids were so affectionate etc...and i felt quite attached to them as well as her. I felt a lot stronger for her than i thought i would since we had only spent a few days together. Maybe its partly because i still had feelings or at least good memories of the times we have spent together in the past but also i just felt this connection with her..i cant explain it... Now comes the issue, She had always told me she needs someone to really chase her as she doesnt trust men easily anymore as well as having dated men in the past who turned out to be jerks or who wanted more time from her than she was willing to give which was only seeing them once every 2 weeks. Apparently every guy she dated within a few weeks would tell her that he cant do the whole kids thing or that she doesnt spend enough time with him. I had thought all that was just the guys faults / wanting a one night stand etc which is not what she was after. But I am struggling a bit too in the sense that it seems so hot and cold at times..i cant figure out how she feels at times or if she wants to see me again etc. I might right her messages or ask her questions and she may take a long time to respond but also not even actually answer the questions like how was your day or how are the kids etc. But just respond with a one line sentence on something else, or might respond to one of the questions but not the other couple. Its a bit strange for me as i had been used to girls chasing me generally but also at the very least responding in kind to how i am communicating to them. So if i send them messages or calls then generally they will do the same back to me. In this case it seems like the first day and then the 2nd day she was alright, but after that she got a bit more distant. While i was up there i noticed she seemed to be a bit depressed at times as she was sometimes looking off into the distance and then might give out a deep sigh. When i asked her about it, she was saying she is worried about money as its at a premium for her at the moment in her situation as well i know in the past she told me she was worried that no man will ever want to be with her forever as she just didnt seem to be able to hold onto a relationship. It might go back to her childhood as she comes from a divorced family, so maybe when her husband cheated on her, it felt like her parents splitting up all over again... I dont know but I am struggling as i really like her a lot but i dont know if i am supposed to keep calling and messaging or if that is just pushing her away and / or i am losing respect in her eyes. But at the same time she told me she needs to be chased and i am also worried that we might just drift apart if i dont keep the contact up. I told myself after a few years of not being myself but rather trying to be someone that i thought would do better with girls that i wont do that any more as even though i was able to get girls easier / more often, i didnt end up keeping them. I also realised when i was myself at the very least if / when it doesnt work out then i can look at it and say i tried the best i could and i was myself. Only problem is being myself is quite...Well i came from an extremely loving family / upbringing. I am quite a softie who loves to show a lot of affection to his family and friends etc. But at times i have noticed, some of the girls get turned off by my behaviour as i must come across feminine or too soft and it goes against what i look like as i play a lot of sports as well as gym work. What should i do with her, is being too soft a no no with her? should i give her space and only show her as much interest as she shows me, or is that just playing games and she needs to be chased a bit as she is in a bit of dark place and needs some help to come out of it?
amaysngrace Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 She sounds like damaged goods. I don't mean to sound rude by saying that but it's just what I'm getting off of everything you posted. Please don't question yourself. She is the one with issues. 3
aussietigerwolf Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I hate the term damaged goods. She is a person not "goods"... Regardless she does seem to be in a dark place right now and could use some kindness. 1
ascendotum Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) I guess you got that connection that goes back 10 yrs so you feel she's kind of special. If you just met her and knew her, and found out she has a history of going for jerks (it was unfortunate her husband cheated on her and that should not be a reflection of her but this guy was a jerk if he was screwing others even when they were engaged) and was struggling financially would you go for her. I don't know if it comes off like....now she wants a nice guy but he has to put in the effort to chase & win her over. Her kids are cute and get on well with your kids which is a bonus, but I would not put that on the + side of the ledger when it comes to how she measures up to what you want in a gf/wife. Ultimately its up to you. I'd be inclined to go with 'only show her as much interest as she shows me', but if you don't feel you would move to another state or she would move her family for you, then just leave it as a friendship, and keep looking local. Have you been looking around much? Edited August 2, 2013 by ascendotum
Author lonewolf77 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 umm, I am not much of a party guy i suppose, never married and dont have kids but i am pretty old now (35). I am a pretty shy guy and probably a bit too soft but due to diverse interests I am a nerd and a jock in a way. So a lot of times i attract women for my looks but my personality is the complete opposite of what they expect as they expect some tough cool guy and instead they get a feminine soft character. Hence i havent had too much luck in relationships, plus i spent about 6-7 years trying to make it work with a girl who went through some really tough childhood years due to her mum and hence she had problems committing. So we would always get close to engaged, then she would break it off and then we will get back together months later then routine starts again... Everyone told me to leave, but my parents brought me up to always stick with the person you love or care for and so i always believed i could help her get to the point where she would be past her demons and able to commit. Anyway i digress. due to those variables, i am 35 and single with no kids and i really want to start a family. Then along came this girl who i had known off and on for quite a long time and i have always had feelings / connections with her. You are right, if i met her now and she was hot and cold...i would probably leave.. But I remember who she was and even know i see her deep down in there and she is such a beautiful person and a really nice kind hearted person (from what i have experienced thus far) I really fell for her, way more than i thought i ever would or could. I just kept cuddling her every moment i had....but i am worried that at the end of this road i am going to get really hurt as i dont know if she feels the same way or is even capable of feeling that way at the current state she is in.
happydate Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) Hey guys, I knew this girl 10 years ago, we even spent some time together and really hit it off but she was at that time fighting with her boyfriend / temporarily broken up. So we didnt actually date but just spent time together as we had mutual close friends. We kept in touch for a while but i sort of stopped contact once she got engaged as i knew her boyfriend didnt like our friendship and i dont blame him as i did have a crush on her although never acted on it. 2 years ago she got divorced as she discovered when her 2nd child was 8 months old that her husband had been cheating on her various times even before she got engaged. Also the last one is a full blown long term affair with a work colleague who was married and had a kid of her own. Even though she tried to make it work with her husband through counselling etc, he still didnt seem to want to fix whatever was broken in the marriage as well as wasnt sure he still loved her and wanted out. So in the end they divorced. A short while later she had a rebound relationship with apparently a jerk...during which her house got burnt down and she lost most of her belongings as well as her 2 kids belongings. After which due to monetary issues she lost her business as well.... We did get back in touch a year ago or so on Facebook and just occasionally spoke. We started to talk alot more during the last couple of months and then she kept asking me to come and visit her / stay with her for a few days (she lives in another state / 1 hour flight). In the end i did go over and we really hit it off well both physically and ..I think... emotionally and mentally. Also even though i had never thought i would want to date / get serious with someone who already had kids, i realised that was not the case in this scenario. As I was surprised how well i got along with the kids and how well they seemed to get along with me, i really liked them and realised i would be happy to have them and her in my life / marriage etc etc. The kids were so affectionate etc...and i felt quite attached to them as well as her. I felt a lot stronger for her than i thought i would since we had only spent a few days together. Maybe its partly because i still had feelings or at least good memories of the times we have spent together in the past but also i just felt this connection with her..i cant explain it... Now comes the issue, She had always told me she needs someone to really chase her as she doesnt trust men easily anymore as well as having dated men in the past who turned out to be jerks or who wanted more time from her than she was willing to give which was only seeing them once every 2 weeks. Apparently every guy she dated within a few weeks would tell her that he cant do the whole kids thing or that she doesnt spend enough time with him. I had thought all that was just the guys faults / wanting a one night stand etc which is not what she was after. But I am struggling a bit too in the sense that it seems so hot and cold at times..i cant figure out how she feels at times or if she wants to see me again etc. I might right her messages or ask her questions and she may take a long time to respond but also not even actually answer the questions like how was your day or how are the kids etc. But just respond with a one line sentence on something else, or might respond to one of the questions but not the other couple. Its a bit strange for me as i had been used to girls chasing me generally but also at the very least responding in kind to how i am communicating to them. So if i send them messages or calls then generally they will do the same back to me. In this case it seems like the first day and then the 2nd day she was alright, but after that she got a bit more distant. While i was up there i noticed she seemed to be a bit depressed at times as she was sometimes looking off into the distance and then might give out a deep sigh. When i asked her about it, she was saying she is worried about money as its at a premium for her at the moment in her situation as well i know in the past she told me she was worried that no man will ever want to be with her forever as she just didnt seem to be able to hold onto a relationship. It might go back to her childhood as she comes from a divorced family, so maybe when her husband cheated on her, it felt like her parents splitting up all over again... I dont know but I am struggling as i really like her a lot but i dont know if i am supposed to keep calling and messaging or if that is just pushing her away and / or i am losing respect in her eyes. But at the same time she told me she needs to be chased and i am also worried that we might just drift apart if i dont keep the contact up. I told myself after a few years of not being myself but rather trying to be someone that i thought would do better with girls that i wont do that any more as even though i was able to get girls easier / more often, i didnt end up keeping them. I also realised when i was myself at the very least if / when it doesnt work out then i can look at it and say i tried the best i could and i was myself. Only problem is being myself is quite...Well i came from an extremely loving family / upbringing. I am quite a softie who loves to show a lot of affection to his family and friends etc. But at times i have noticed, some of the girls get turned off by my behaviour as i must come across feminine or too soft and it goes against what i look like as i play a lot of sports as well as gym work. What should i do with her, is being too soft a no no with her? should i give her space and only show her as much interest as she shows me, or is that just playing games and she needs to be chased a bit as she is in a bit of dark place and needs some help to come out of it? It's funny that you weren't the first one on her radar screen when she divorced her hubby. That ought to show to you how important you are to her. Apparently not so, at least to the last jerk. You're a softie for a reason she dated and married a jerk husband, because you're a nice guy. A controlling and manipulative woman wants to be with a jerk, because that's what she's used to being raised up in a dysfunctional family. That's all she's used to and that's all she'll be looking for in a man, which is not you. Why is she coming back to you. Well, it's pretty obvious. She needs someone to temporarily comfort her and perhaps take care of the children. When she convinces you enough that she likes you and is willing to take care of her kids, then voila she's back looking for jerks. This time however, she's got a Softie being a foster dad without all the sexual perks and privileges of the next jerk who's going to bang her bare back. Trust me. You'll be fussing and stressing your mind out why is she letting a guy cum inside her with no condom and so forth etc when you're treating her so well and her kids.. That's because she wants abuse (in your mind but not hers) from this man that you don't have the heart to, but need a man like you to have the heart to take care of things this jerk won't. So now, she's got 2 dumb bells working after her interests. Women with repressed emotions and issues usually have emotional outbursts and love to degrade and put down other people. They can't even hold eye contact with you and sometimes stare out into space for no reason at all. Because they are afraid you'll see into their eyes they are faking their interest in you! Sure you don't feel like you are a jerk to her other ex-jerks now. But mark my words that once you have outlived your usefulness with her, she'll tell the same tale to the next softie how a lousy jerk you are. I've been in your position a few times myself. You don't need to support her kids. It's not even yours to begin! Cute is dangerous once you start paying the bills to support them!! Are you sure her last hubby is really a bad jerk? All you got from is her side of the story! A coin always has 2 sides! My advise. Think deep and trust your instincts! They will serve you well. Edited August 2, 2013 by happydate
happydate Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 umm, I am not much of a party guy i suppose, never married and dont have kids but i am pretty old now (35). I am a pretty shy guy and probably a bit too soft but due to diverse interests I am a nerd and a jock in a way. So a lot of times i attract women for my looks but my personality is the complete opposite of what they expect as they expect some tough cool guy and instead they get a feminine soft character. Hence i havent had too much luck in relationships, plus i spent about 6-7 years trying to make it work with a girl who went through some really tough childhood years due to her mum and hence she had problems committing. So we would always get close to engaged, then she would break it off and then we will get back together months later then routine starts again... Everyone told me to leave, but my parents brought me up to always stick with the person you love or care for and so i always believed i could help her get to the point where she would be past her demons and able to commit. Anyway i digress. due to those variables, i am 35 and single with no kids and i really want to start a family. Then along came this girl who i had known off and on for quite a long time and i have always had feelings / connections with her. You are right, if i met her now and she was hot and cold...i would probably leave.. But I remember who she was and even know i see her deep down in there and she is such a beautiful person and a really nice kind hearted person (from what i have experienced thus far) I really fell for her, way more than i thought i ever would or could. I just kept cuddling her every moment i had....but i am worried that at the end of this road i am going to get really hurt as i dont know if she feels the same way or is even capable of feeling that way at the current state she is in. Stop being her therapist. You can not oust her demon inside her. If you do, all she'll associate you with is that you are a jerk. She needs professional help, preferably a woman counselor who can. She won't appreciate what you did. People like her have emotional issues that are beyond your abilities to mend.
darkmoon Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 texts are a pain in the butt, that signal could be an emergency or somebody who uses their mobile like a toy/gadget, sorry, but texts are a drag to the busy, sorry though, see who agrees, maybe it's just me, but really you two need to talk, texts
hppr Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I wouldn't get involved with her unless she was the hottest thing I'd ever been with and even then I would think about it for quite awhile...and go about it cautiously...
Author lonewolf77 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Bah, Its as i suspected, either i came on too strong or i am just too feminine / affectionate with her, she just said she loves me, thinks i am an amazing person and the kids really like me a lot but something doesnt feel right and she just isnt into me. Sucks, I thought i would try to be myself and just be as affectionate as i feel and show my feelings but whenever i do that i just seem to come across either too soft or maybe come on too quickly.
amaysngrace Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Bah, Its as i suspected, either i came on too strong or i am just too feminine / affectionate with her, she just said she loves me, thinks i am an amazing person and the kids really like me a lot but something doesnt feel right and she just isnt into me. Sucks, I thought i would try to be myself and just be as affectionate as i feel and show my feelings but whenever i do that i just seem to come across either too soft or maybe come on too quickly. Please stop questioning yourself. You seem like a nice guy. She's damaged goods. She can't have a healthy relationship if she's not well herself. You've done nothing wrong so please stop beating yourself up.
ascendotum Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Bah, Its as i suspected, either i came on too strong or i am just too feminine / affectionate with her, she just said she loves me, thinks i am an amazing person and the kids really like me a lot but something doesnt feel right and she just isnt into me. Sucks, I thought i would try to be myself and just be as affectionate as i feel and show my feelings but whenever i do that i just seem to come across either too soft or maybe come on too quickly. Well that's the end of that, well I hope you see it that way even though I suspect you really liked her (well the side she showed when she is vulnerable and looking for a caring supportive guy which could easily change when you move in together and she gets her confidence back and you get too boring for her (no offence)) and are a bit sad. If she changes her mind down the track, don't fall for it because you're worried about being a little older and single. 'Something doesn't feel right'...yeh you don't get her tingling or excited. Chin up and try get out more socially. Don't have the mindset of clingling on to the first women who shows interest in you just because you are getting ansty over wanting kids. If she senses that it wont work out or worse she'll have a kid with you then resent settling.
TheGuard13 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Jerks don't burn down houses. Psychos do. This women is a mess, and it sounds like her life is a mess. While everyone is deserving of love and some compassion, I think you dodged a bullet here.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 She sounds like damaged goods. I don't mean to sound rude by saying that but it's just what I'm getting off of everything you posted. Please don't question yourself. She is the one with issues. This... Thats a mess...I feel bad, but I dont need to carry that load... Respectfully back away... TFY
salparadise Posted August 6, 2013 Posted August 6, 2013 I told myself after a few years of not being myself but rather trying to be someone that i thought would do better with girls that i wont do that any more as even though i was able to get girls easier / more often, i didnt end up keeping them. I also realised when i was myself at the very least if / when it doesnt work out then i can look at it and say i tried the best i could and i was myself. Only problem is being myself is quite...Well i came from an extremely loving family / upbringing. I am quite a softie who loves to show a lot of affection to his family and friends etc. But at times i have noticed, some of the girls get turned off by my behaviour as i must come across feminine or too soft and it goes against what i look like as i play a lot of sports as well as gym work. I think you dodged a bullet by her backing away. She has unfortunate issues without a doubt. The notion that helping her fix some problems, and her being eternally grateful, as a foundation for a relationship is fundamentally flawed. Based on the quoted passages above, I would suggest that you seek some counseling to resolve this dichotomy between your authentic self and the mask you've convinced yourself that you need to wear to attract women. You alluded to a good point as a practical consideration––if you attract someone based on pretending to be someone you are not, how long is it going to take them to realize that and what will be the result? But if you are your authentic self and attract a wonderful person to who you really are, then it's real. I think you need to merge these two characters. It's possible to adjust speech and mannerisms if you think that's getting in the way, and you can choose appropriate times to be effusive with your feelings (or not), without pretending to be someone you are not. Believe me, there are women out there who would fall all over themselves for a man that looks great, has an athletic body, and is fully in touch with his feelings and emotional side. So it's really about just learning to be confident that your authentic self is lovable and worthy, and loving that person yourself. A good counselor can help you with this. And one of the benefits will be, when you truly feel that your authentic self is amazing and worthy of being loved by an amazing person, you will no longer feel the need to offer rescue in exchange for love.
strongnrelaxed Posted August 9, 2013 Posted August 9, 2013 I recommend that you march over to reddit and look at the Men's Rights sub there. Then you can come back and rethink your question.
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