ThaddeusMF Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I'm gonna make this as short and informative as possible. 18 months ago I struck up a strictly platonic friendship with a high school girlfriend. We would study at the college we attended and that was the extent of it. We would occasionally text and email but mostly regarding school. This went on for around two months. Suddenly she calls me and says she has to talk to me. She arrived on tears and very distraught. Her husband told her that she was to stop talking to me or their marriage was over. Being that he was abusive, an absentee father and they lived with his dad, two brothers and sister in a two bedroom duplex where the children weren't bring provided for properly, she chose to take her two boys ( 8, 10) to move in with her parents. After a few months she slowly introduced me. We would go to the beach, the fair, farmers market, etc. The youngest took to me immediately and we rapidly became close. The oldest took more time, but even he began warning up to me. A month after the introductions to the kids my gf's parents lost their home so they moved in with me while her parents went to relatives. We lived in a small apartment for the first six months but now we have a beautiful home in Sonoma County. They have a large yard, own bedrooms, and everyone seemed to be well adjusted. They stay with dad on weekends and sometimes we do a week on/week off thing since it's summer. Now, here's where it's tricky. Occasionally my gf admits missing her husband and I figured that was normal, but it seems to be progressing. Lady week she filed for divorce even though she seemed reluctant. Well the past week has been crazy. She is cold, short, judgmental. Telling me I'm not doing enough! I won't get into why that statement is absurd. I will include that I am the sole source of resources, unless you count the $60 weekly child support payment from their father. I haven't even scratched the surface of how inept their father is, but anyway. It's been 18 months and they are finally safe, stable, and are learning respect, and responsibility, not to mention bathing more than once a week! Now, why is my gf acting like she misses that life she hated so much? Like I said, she would at times have moments when she'd miss him, but the filing of the divorce seemed to unleash a cold ungrateful woman I didn't know existed! Will this pass? Or, are we doomed?
Author ThaddeusMF Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Damn, I was hoping to hear from anyone who also had difficulties during the actual divorce, even after being separated for quite some time. I've never been married so this is new to me.
RightThere Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Just my two cents, but remember you probably only got one side of the story. The ex-husband obliviously had his faults, but sounds like she's got hers.
TigerCub Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Hey op, I'm sorry for your situation. I assume that initiating/finalizing a divorce is extremely emotional for a person regardless of how bad things were with that spouse. I often hear, that people associate a divorce with failure. So I can somewhat understand her being emotional and withdrawn, but at the same time, it is no excuse to take it out on you. I don't know what to advise you, because if she's being ungrateful to all you do for her and her kids, she needs to be kicked to the curb and fend for herself and see what it's like ( that's my instinct and anger talking when it comes to ungrateful people) But, if this is just happening and it is right after the divorce stuff, maybe you should give her some time to process things, but if she lashes out at you, please don't hesitate to stand up for yourself and make it clear that you're not her punching bag. If it goes on for too long, then maybe you need to find out what's really behind it - if she still has feelings for the ex, and if she's the right person for you.
Balzac Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Give what you can offer willingly and try to limit the current issue to btwn you and her. If she's unable to resolve her feelings and treat you accordingly, she's out on her azz. Disrespecting you and being ungrateful are two strikes. That's on you.
Jstub Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 She has not processed any of her feelings for her husband. What did you expect? You shot yourself in the leg. You should have never gotten involved with someone in her situation. I know you said it was platonic, but look where it got you. She just dumped all her emotions on you, because she did not want to deal with them at the time. Things seem to be catching up it seems. You can be sure that, since she never dealt with her issues and she simply brushed things off by using you as a distraction, all her issues will resurface in the relationship with you, regardless if she is over her ex or not. You seem like a very nice person but it looks like, she is indirectly blaming you for her failures? Don't be an ass but don't be a doormat either. Stand up for yourself and draw a line while being understanding to her to some extent. If I were you, I would run... I know her kids have seen stability finally, but rebound relationships (for her it is a rebound) never last, and down the line, the kids will get hurt even more. Again, you should have known better... who introduces their kids to anyone in that short period of time? oh wait a second.. my stbxw did that too with her OM... yea it didn't work out for them either and she blamed him for ruining her life. I see some parallels... I hope that helps.
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