starla33 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 this guy has been single many years and we have been casually hanging out for over half a year now. He is not "ready" for a relationship and it's very easy here not to have one and sleep around so I guess I get it. I have tried to date other people during this time(just so I don't get too attached), but nobody has worked out. We just seem so compatible and can talk about anything and sex is amazing and it's basically the benefits of a relationship without a commitment. We have been good influences on eachother and have definitely helped each other become better in some aspects....which makes me sad because basically I've helped him get better for the next girl he will actually commit to? It's been dragged out for so long now and I just can't seem to end it/let it go for good because I've never been with someone that I was so comfortable with in every aspect before
ShiningMoon Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Unfortunately, men are masters at detaching feelings from sex. Hence, even though in your mind you believe you guys are compatible on different levels, he might just think you're sexually compatible and won't look beyond the sexual aspect of the relationship. When a guy says he's not ready for a relationship, he means it. Don't try to push him into something by offering sex, because he's more likely going to run away and fast! Luring him into a relationship by offering sex first is always a bad idea. He told you he's not ready to commit, leave the guy alone. Don't entertain this fantasy you have of you and him dating because it's most likely not going to happen anytime soon in my opinion. If you tell him you have feelings for him or you want him to commit, he'll just leave you right there. He first entered the FWB relationship because it was commitment free, if you start pressuring him into something, chances are you'll just end up alone. If you're not happy with the FWB relationship only, just call it quits and move on. He's not going to change his mind. In his mind FWB literally means just sex, in most women's mind FWB means emotions and sex. Trust me, most men don't involve any sort of feelings in this type of relationship. I'm pretty sure your so-called "compatibility" didn't cross his mind. If you keep on dragging this out, you'll be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. 2
Author starla33 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Well it has been ended twice already and he knows I want more. We just end up back together after a month or 2 like nothing happened It's a really weird situation and I know we have done some things hes never done with anyone and hes opened up to me about a few things. So I don't know it sucks I feel like it's more than FWB, but not a relationship
Leigh 87 Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 You either break things off now, or he'll break things off once he meets a girl he wants a relationship with. I recommend finishing things with him now. 3
kaylan Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 this guy has been single many years and we have been casually hanging out for over half a year now. He is not "ready" for a relationship and it's very easy here not to have one and sleep around so I guess I get it. I have tried to date other people during this time(just so I don't get too attached), but nobody has worked out. We just seem so compatible and can talk about anything and sex is amazing and it's basically the benefits of a relationship without a commitment. We have been good influences on eachother and have definitely helped each other become better in some aspects....which makes me sad because basically I've helped him get better for the next girl he will actually commit to? It's been dragged out for so long now and I just can't seem to end it/let it go for good because I've never been with someone that I was so comfortable with in every aspect before If the guy hasnt tried to get a commitment within the first 6 weeks, I dont see it happening. My friend was hooking up with a guy for 6 months, and they very much acted like a couple but without an actual agreed upon commitment. Once things crashed and burned, my friend was pretty torn up about it. Enjoy it while it lasts or cut the cord now.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 This guy will never commit to you in the way you want him to. For most men, the way they see you when they first have sex with you is the way they'll see you for the rest of your interactions together. If he saw you as a friend to have sex with when he was horny, that's what you'll be. If he saw you as a girl to date but not to marry, that's how he'll always see you. If he saw you as a legitimate long-term option, he'll continue to escalate the relationship from there. Your purpose will always be for sex for him. Always. 2
crude Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Why don't you leave well enough alone? You've tried other guys and they weren't so great, if one would've been, you would've dumped this guy, so just take it one day at a time and enjoy.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 (edited) Well it has been ended twice already and he knows I want more. We just end up back together after a month or 2 like nothing happened It's a really weird situation and I know we have done some things hes never done with anyone and hes opened up to me about a few things. So I don't know it sucks I feel like it's more than FWB, but not a relationship Well you're pretty much available and you are showing him that he is allowed to push and pull this FWB situation with you. It doesn't matter what you want...it doesn't matter how you interpret, feel, think or perceive the situation/intimacy/emotional level to be, it doesn't matter how he acts, what he says or what it feels/seem like...FWB are not just situations where it's just merely about sex and you're a cold hard ice-block that doesn't share any personal things because you are a cold-hearted FWB...not sure why women take the significance of what is happening so far and believe that it'll actually make a difference in what a man wants...regardless of whether he's aware of the fact you want more, you may want more, but you aren't getting more. And I'm sure he cares about you to an extent, I'm sure he might even be dependent and I'm sure you've helped him out and been there for him and all that jazz...that's what a lot of women do, but it's not like a slot machine, you don't just keep pouring in money hoping to win the jack pot, by then what's going to happen is you lost more than you gained and in reality, this reality....that slot machine doesn't have a jack pot...in fact you manifest and interpret the situation to be more of what it is basing it on what it can be rather than what it is...but that's your own mind, emotions of and delusion, that doesn't affect men...they've already had their minds made it, they're driving a ford focus but they want a mercedes and they're not stopping until they at least try...but in the meantime it gets them from point A to B...better than walking or taking the bus right? Get a clue, take a hint and be realistic...I know it's not the hollywood fantasy but it'll save you a lot more pain and emptiness when in the end he still doesn't want to be with you...but many women also tend to find themselves in situations like this repeatedly, so I wouldn't be surprised if you been down this road before several times (of course you have your own unique perception of every situation and circumstance that excuses or masks what really happened in the big picture) but you're going to keep going through this with men like this if you don't start pulling yourself out of these situations...dating other people isn't really effective when you're really interested in someone else, you'll still get hooked, if not become more encouraged by the fact there aren't more encouraging connectionswith someone else so you just become more invested in the other person, you develop get a one-track-mind. You got to just stop making any excuses and thinking you can kill two birds with one stone and pull yourself out completely with someone you're interested in but doesn't want a relationship if you don't want to get strung along. I know it's hard and sucks, but you're going to waste a lot of times in the end with these guys...far more than if you just kept moving on. Edited August 3, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 3
BluEyeL Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Ninja is spot on, as usual. The only way to get out of the fwb is to stop contact, stop the sex, and never go back unless he offers a relationship. But if he made up his mind about not wanting more with you, even this won't work and you should just move on. You are already emotionally attached, and it's not likely that you open yourself up for other guys. I know it's going to be very hard for you to pull the plug, but if you don't you are just wasting your time and doing so is the only way to get what you want, if there is any chance at all for that to happen.
Author starla33 Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 yeah that was good i agree with that.... and no I don't see him getting a gf in the near future or next few years to be honest it's been so many years already he has been single so at least I won't have to go through caring when he finally gets one
hoping2heal Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Well it has been ended twice already and he knows I want more. We just end up back together after a month or 2 like nothing happened So, in other words your feelings come second to his desire for sex. He knows you want more and instead of being a caring friend and cutting things off, he continued to have sex with you. So, he's not a FWB, he's just a DYR (Dick you ride). You might think you're compatible but you've much to learn if you think someone who is so careless with and of you is relationship material.
Leigh 87 Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 yeah that was good i agree with that.... and no I don't see him getting a gf in the near future or next few years to be honest it's been so many years already he has been single so at least I won't have to go through caring when he finally gets one If he regularly goes out and is a social guy, then how can you be so sure that he won't meet a girl who he's really into? Look. I have a fwb. I really like him! Yet if he got a girlfriend, I would genuinely enjoy seeing him happy with someone new. On the other hand, my ex who I once had strong romantic feelings for found a girl he fell in love with...... I would automatically hate the b1tch! I would NOT be happy for him. It's too soon after the break up to feel totally indifference towards him and his new love life. If you have romantic feelings towards a guy or you once did, then your ego and possibly your self esteem will take a hit; when the guy you want is not into you enough to want to be with you, but ends up finding a girl who he IS into and does want to be with. Can you see how damaging situations like these are? If you don't cut contact for a while with guys you like but who don't like you back in the same way. ... then you'll be reeling when they find someone who is enough for them. When you're not. Personally, I found it hard as hell to cut contact with the guy I once loved. But in the long run, I chose to go through that pain initially, and get the hard part out of the way. Now I don't have to get a punch in the guts when he finds a girl he falls for. I won't know. You'll find another guy you like. And who likes you back. In the meanwhile, try and figure out if a fwb something you can handle. Some women need strong romantic feelings in order to hook up with a dude. Please read this. I hope you make the right decision about this situation. And don't let him rope you back in...... Guys can easily like a girl a lot as a person, without having romantic feings for them. A guy can really adore a woman and respect her, yet without feeling the need to have a relationship. Good luck. Don't be like most other women who cling to what makes them feel I goid in the very short term, in the hope that a guy who clearly ISNT falling in love with them, suddenly will.
hestheone66 Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I have posted this somewhere else..basically only sex.. no 'date' like activities.. no meals, no kissing. no frequent contact, no texting except to organise where and when to hook up.. no reminiscing afterwards and definitely no sleep overs or cuddles on the couch with a dvd HOWEVER... i met up with a guy on OLD and told him what my intentions were because I wasn't in a place to be in a relationship.. i told him my rules. we met up and slept together and although it was mindblowingly fantastic.. i left his house confident that I'd had a great 'session' with what was possibly a ONS. Because he was quite reserved and very respectful.. we have evolved into the deepest emotional connection i've ever had with anyone.. and given my age (47) and 2 long term (over 10 years each) committed relationships, this is saying something. We are not yet exclusive!! and we love it that way.. NOT being officially committed keeps us invested.. we spend most of our spare time (we both have children that we don't involve in our 'thing') together because we crave each other, not because we 'have' to.
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