Is this Guy TRULY not into Me?

[nerudite]

Started seeing a guy 7 months ago. Both in our 30s, we each have a kid. I blew him off for the first week because I thought we were too different. He's very conservative, I'm very liberal. He's catholic, I'm agnostic. He pursued, I gave in, fell hard and fell fast - something I don't do, but this dude got me. Let me also mention that this guy is a major introvert. Doesn't do crowds and his social skills SUCK. Big time. Very quiet and reserved unless he's really comfortable around you.

 

We went on and off for about 5 months. At first he was crazy about me. Then after a couple weeks and had slept together he started running hot and cold. First time he distanced he said it was cause I was too good in bed, he thought I had been "around." We cleared that up, continued on.

Second time, a month in, said he was intimidated by me: I was well traveled, had longer relationships, lived in a big city. Said he wasn't used to dating girls more "wordly" than himself. I tried to reassure him, we continued on. But he started to seem really distant.

 

Then he starts saying things like there just isn't any chemistry. So we break it off. I'm crushed, I cave, make contact again first, we go out, I say we should try being just FWB. I was NOT ready to let him go...

We continue seeing each other on a FWB agreement. But, he texts me every day, texts me after he leaves my house, spends the night a few times on his own accord. Drops the "we" in his statements. Says he's really getting attached to me, mentions that he doesn't think he could see me with another guy, then it's "there's no chemistry." A week later now he's thinking about introducing me to his parents. A few days go by, now there's no chemistry. Then he invites me out with his brother and cousin, invites me out again with his friends, says they all love me. He's saying and doing these things on one day, then the next, out of the blue it's "there's no chemistry"

 

Take note, that I'm not ever bringing up relationship talk, always keeping things light, keeping my mouth SHUT, told him I wasn't ready to meet his parents. He's says no chemistry, then he wants to see my photo albums, spends two hours looking at them asking a ton of questions. Asks me about previous relationships, what do my friends say about him...then, no chemistry. Another night, we're kissing, he said he gets so nervous when I kiss him, doesn't know what to do, like it makes him stupid. He's also mentioned before that he's a real hard-ass with his emotions. And he is a "man's man," shredded, gym rat, sports, all that stuff.

 

He also dropped the L bomb on me twice when we were in bed. I ignored it, I know the rule - doesn't count when first said during sex...acted like I didn't hear it. I put no pressure on this guy. Come on, I was already putting out, he didn't have to say and do these things to get in my pants.

 

Here's the thing - I'm not one that can't accept when a guy isn't into me. I don't want to be the girl that makes ridiculous excuses "oh, he likes me, he's just scared" bull****. But this guy can't look at me without blushing, he touches me like he cares deeply about me, I catch him staring at me, etc.

 

We've been off for about 2 months now. The last night he just blurted out of nowhere the main problem is that I don't need him. I have my **** together, and he needs someone that needs him. I asked him how I was supposed to let him know I needed him when it was off and on and only FWB, that I wasn't going to put that burden on him. It was 2am, I wasn't getting into a heavy conversation, he was going to spend the night, I told him I was taking him home. I was tired of the back and forth ****.

Since this two months, I asked if he could do a project in my house - paid of course - I kept it professional like a job. He offered, won't accept money, came to look at the project, lingered for a while after looking at it, wanted to have a beer, blushed the whole time he was here anytime I'd look at him, flirted like crazy, told me he'd always help with anything I needed around the house, etc.

 

Am I out of my f*cking mind, or is this guy truly afraid to let himself go with me? I want him, no question about it, but I'm not going to nail myself to the cross telling him I love him and trying to ease his mind that I'm safe if there's a chance that he really isn't digging me.

 

What's the deal, here?? Thanks

[Chief Wiggum]

Sounds like he's really into you, but due to the sharp contrasts in characters -- you being liberal and him conservative -- he's worried at some point you might get tired, bored or put off by him; hence why he asks you what your friends think of, why he believes you're too good for him, etc. He probably realises he will lose you at some point in the future, but isn't quite prepared (or brave enough) to pull the plug himself just yet.

[Story]

The deal is that this man sounds very unstable, insecure, and manipulative. Seriously. A lot of bs comes out of his mouth, like the following:

 

"First time he distanced he said it was cause I was too good in bed, he thought I had been "around."

 

Second time, a month in, said he was intimidated by me: I was well traveled, had longer relationships, lived in a big city. Said he wasn't used to dating girls more "wordly" than himself. I tried to reassure him, we continued on. But he started to seem really distant.

 

Then he starts saying things like there just isn't any chemistry. So we break it off. I'm crushed, I cave, make contact again first, we go out, I say we should try being just FWB. I was NOT ready to let him go...

 

You don't need to reassure him about anything when he makes these type of dumb-ass remarks. Choose better for yourself. He's not worth your time.

[nerudite]

Sounds like he's really into you, but due to the sharp contrasts in characters -- you being liberal and him conservative -- he's worried at some point you might get tired, bored or put off by him; hence why he asks you what your friends think of, why he believes you're too good for him, etc. He probably realises he will lose you at some point in the future, but isn't quite prepared (or brave enough) to pull the plug himself just yet.

Thanks for your input, and taking the time to read my loooong post.

 

That's the signal I was getting, and you hit the nail on the head - he mentioned once that he thought I'd be better suited with a more outgoing man, that he might not be "fun" enough. My friends' thoughts exactly were that I'd get bored with him, that he wasn't my type - and he was the exact opposite of anyone I've ever dated. But it was the complete opposite. He grouned me. Something no one has ever been able to do.

 

I think he's put his wall up too thick. If he really is into me I can't see any openings that he's left for me to get in.

[nerudite]

The deal is that this man sounds very unstable, insecure, and manipulative. Seriously. A lot of bs comes out of his mouth, like the following:

 

"First time he distanced he said it was cause I was too good in bed, he thought I had been "around."

 

Second time, a month in, said he was intimidated by me: I was well traveled, had longer relationships, lived in a big city. Said he wasn't used to dating girls more "wordly" than himself. I tried to reassure him, we continued on. But he started to seem really distant.

 

Then he starts saying things like there just isn't any chemistry. So we break it off. I'm crushed, I cave, make contact again first, we go out, I say we should try being just FWB. I was NOT ready to let him go...

 

You don't need to reassure him about anything when he makes these type of dumb-ass remarks. Choose better for yourself. He's not worth your time.

 

The Unstable/Insecure thing had been mentioned to me a couple of times. I definitely thought I was picking up on insecurity on his part, but again, I didn't want to be the girl that made excuses or just wouldn't accept that he wasn't into me. I appreciate your input

[soccerrprp]

Each time I hear or read someone having such experiences, I am convinced that I would NEVER tolerate such erratic, insecure behavior from anyone I'm dating. There are plenty of stable people out there to waste my time with such nonsense.

 

Nerudite, I am sorry, but I must say that there is little about your relationship with this guy that spells out a chance in hades of working out as wanted. You seem to have ignored differences in core values (political views), his on and off behavior, his insecurity...don't do it. Really, it's so much work now and you barely have a relationship. Too much work just to define what it is you have....ugh.

 

SIGH. I thank goodness I have yet to meet someone nearly as unpredictable and erratic. I just don't feel you should have to tolerate this. You say you really like this guy, but please explain (again) why?

 

Anyway, good luck.

[D-Lish]

This is one f*cked up guy. He has inner struggles that have nothing to do with you.

 

Run.

[nerudite]

I've really pondered what issues he has - he's never had a long-term relationship. He's said so many times a family is all he wants but then he's scared of everything. No clue where it would have come from. His parents are happily together, people across the board say he comes from a great family. But I recognize these issues don't always have to stem from environmental factors.

 

I honestly think he's scared to death of investing in someone because he doesn't believe anyone will stay. It makes me sad for him, because aside from it all, he's a really, really good and kind man to everyone around him. But I can't beat a dead horse if that's the case.

[travelbug1996]

Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[travelbug1996]

Not at all into you. He's into mind games.

[nerudite]

Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

 

a m a z i n g article. Thanks for sharing!

[travelbug1996]

the whole blog is amazing. enjoy.

[RebelWithoutACause]

He likes you, there is no doubt, but for whatever reason he doesn't want to be in a real relationship with you. He probably doesn't think you are a good match hence the "no chemistry" comments. And by the sound of it he has some serious emotional baggage he needs to deal with. Due to this and his immaturity he keeps coming and going instead of being straight up with you (and himself), admit he'll never be able to give you what you want and let you go for good.

 

Why you are accepting his inconsistent behavior and going as far as settling for a FWB I don't know. You must have it really bad for him. Sometimes we fall a lot quicker and harder for someone who's not "our type" because we have our guard down with them, we think there is no "danger" of getting attached. I've been there.

 

You can spend the next 10 years trying to decipher and tolerate his cr@p hoping he'll come around someday. But realistically what are the chances? You have to accept the simple fact - he's not with you because he doesn't want to be with you.

[nerudite]

He likes you, there is no doubt, but for whatever reason he doesn't want to be in a real relationship with you. He probably doesn't think you are a good match hence the "no chemistry" comments. And by the sound of it he has some serious emotional baggage he needs to deal with. Due to this and his immaturity he keeps coming and going instead of being straight up with you (and himself), admit he'll never be able to give you what you want and let you go for good.

 

Why you are accepting his inconsistent behavior and going as far as settling for a FWB I don't know. You must have it really bad for him. Sometimes we fall a lot quicker and harder for someone who's not "our type" because we have our guard down with them, we think there is no "danger" of getting attached. I've been there.

 

You can spend the next 10 years trying to decipher and tolerate his cr@p hoping he'll come around someday. But realistically what are the chances? You have to accept the simple fact - he's not with you because he doesn't want to be with you.

 

I definitely let my guard down with this one. You're right, mostly because he wasn't my type; I thought I was much safer.

 

All of this makes me question our roles as compassionate and empathetic human beings, though. I'm not saying I have any desire to "save" someone, because I don't, but it makes me wonder If what some of these people (especially things I see with him) need is someone that will hang around and be willing to prove how much they care. Not in a clingy, desperate way, but in a mature way. To ease their insecurities.

 

And if we think about it, look how many men need to do exactly this to get through to so many women. But it seems to be stated across the board that a woman should never put up with it from a man.

 

This is all speculation, I'm not saying in any way that I'm going to hang around for this guy - as much as I care about him, I just don't think I can. But I wonder if I should try one last time to go out on a limb and really lay it out how much I care about him. I've never told him. Like I said, I was very closed off the whole time because of his hot and cold. I can be pretty cold and I'm almost a master at poker faces. I wonder if I gave the impression that I really didn't give a ****?

[happydate]

Started seeing a guy 7 months ago. Both in our 30s, we each have a kid. I blew him off for the first week because I thought we were too different. He's very conservative, I'm very liberal. He's catholic, I'm agnostic. He pursued, I gave in, fell hard and fell fast - something I don't do, but this dude got me. Let me also mention that this guy is a major introvert. Doesn't do crowds and his social skills SUCK. Big time. Very quiet and reserved unless he's really comfortable around you.

 

We went on and off for about 5 months. At first he was crazy about me. Then after a couple weeks and had slept together he started running hot and cold. First time he distanced he said it was cause I was too good in bed, he thought I had been "around." We cleared that up, continued on.

Second time, a month in, said he was intimidated by me: I was well traveled, had longer relationships, lived in a big city. Said he wasn't used to dating girls more "wordly" than himself. I tried to reassure him, we continued on. But he started to seem really distant.

 

Then he starts saying things like there just isn't any chemistry. So we break it off. I'm crushed, I cave, make contact again first, we go out, I say we should try being just FWB. I was NOT ready to let him go...

We continue seeing each other on a FWB agreement. But, he texts me every day, texts me after he leaves my house, spends the night a few times on his own accord. Drops the "we" in his statements. Says he's really getting attached to me, mentions that he doesn't think he could see me with another guy, then it's "there's no chemistry." A week later now he's thinking about introducing me to his parents. A few days go by, now there's no chemistry. Then he invites me out with his brother and cousin, invites me out again with his friends, says they all love me. He's saying and doing these things on one day, then the next, out of the blue it's "there's no chemistry"

 

Take note, that I'm not ever bringing up relationship talk, always keeping things light, keeping my mouth SHUT, told him I wasn't ready to meet his parents. He's says no chemistry, then he wants to see my photo albums, spends two hours looking at them asking a ton of questions. Asks me about previous relationships, what do my friends say about him...then, no chemistry. Another night, we're kissing, he said he gets so nervous when I kiss him, doesn't know what to do, like it makes him stupid. He's also mentioned before that he's a real hard-ass with his emotions. And he is a "man's man," shredded, gym rat, sports, all that stuff.

 

He also dropped the L bomb on me twice when we were in bed. I ignored it, I know the rule - doesn't count when first said during sex...acted like I didn't hear it. I put no pressure on this guy. Come on, I was already putting out, he didn't have to say and do these things to get in my pants.

 

Here's the thing - I'm not one that can't accept when a guy isn't into me. I don't want to be the girl that makes ridiculous excuses "oh, he likes me, he's just scared" bull****. But this guy can't look at me without blushing, he touches me like he cares deeply about me, I catch him staring at me, etc.

 

We've been off for about 2 months now. The last night he just blurted out of nowhere the main problem is that I don't need him. I have my **** together, and he needs someone that needs him. I asked him how I was supposed to let him know I needed him when it was off and on and only FWB, that I wasn't going to put that burden on him. It was 2am, I wasn't getting into a heavy conversation, he was going to spend the night, I told him I was taking him home. I was tired of the back and forth ****.

Since this two months, I asked if he could do a project in my house - paid of course - I kept it professional like a job. He offered, won't accept money, came to look at the project, lingered for a while after looking at it, wanted to have a beer, blushed the whole time he was here anytime I'd look at him, flirted like crazy, told me he'd always help with anything I needed around the house, etc.

 

Am I out of my f*cking mind, or is this guy truly afraid to let himself go with me? I want him, no question about it, but I'm not going to nail myself to the cross telling him I love him and trying to ease his mind that I'm safe if there's a chance that he really isn't digging me.

 

What's the deal, here?? Thanks

 

You were right the first time -- you guys are different; way different.. Depending about how devout Catholic he is makes a big difference in your relationship.

 

Let me explain..

 

Catholics are restricted in the kinds of people they date. If you read the bible and scripture, it says that they are ONLY allowed to date their own kind; meaning that if you are agnostic, you're OFF the deal. If he claims he is a Catholic, he has to follow the bible and discern from it. Catholics must date other Catholics or people who are in faith with God. Are you? Btw, engaging in FWB and sex before marriage is considered to being rebellious with the Lord.

 

This is strictly enforced in the Church of the Lord. Sorry, there's no exceptions for sinful behaviour. Besides, you will have problems with his parents and eventually with his Church, because before you marry him, you must be converted into Catholicism first!

 

Here's what I think happens. I've dated a Christian girl myself and experience the "exact" problems you are having.

 

He's probably pretty horny, cause he's restricted in what kind of girls he dates. Obviously his social skills sucks because he's tied balls of chains to the bible in what he can date wise, so he's probably used to Christian kind girls who are nice, predictable and well you know even in bed which can be quite boring. He just finds you fascinating because you're not Christian and that you're not tied to the chains of the bible scripture. That fascination then translates himself into being really horny when he saw you. You're different and you're exciting! Then of course when he finally got into your pants, his mind races and realized that as a Catholic, it is a no-no to be having sex before marriage or even having sex with a non-Catholic per se. This is with a devout Catholic; but then most of them are anyways.

 

His hot and cold treatment on you is basically him fighting what he believes in being a Catholic and being a true Christian with what he wants from you. Being FWB of course broke his religious faith further. In his mind, he's committed 2 sins already, broken the extreme sacred vows of his baptism etc.. No wonder he's hot and cold. Man, if I would have broken the laws of God, I would be really worried! If he is truly deeply in love with you, he will become Agnostic and renounce his Catholic religion. But I don't think that's going to happen. You are going to have a tough tough time with his parents, because usually they are Catholics as well as his relatives. They might be nice to you on the surface, but really you are kind of out of luck with him.

 

If you really love him, go to Church with him and prepare yourself for the conversion to Catholicism. That could be what God has prepared you for? I don't know, but I thought you should know and others here know before calling him some kind of freak or player or jerk.

Edited August 3, 2013 by happydate

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is a pretty typical scenario, you're reading into and analyzing these details and justifying his behavior that he really is into you, in spite of all the inconsistency and hot and cold behavior which is rather typical in men when they want an emotional relationship with you, but not necessarily committed...he's going back and forth on what he wants, and that can change time to time depending on the circumstances and necessity, mostly when you pull away and he has to win you back into his life....regardless of conservative versus liberal and all that other stuff, people are people at the end of the day, and he's acting just like your regular run of the mill guy, guys do this every day with women around the world and women ask the same questions and become "confused" trying to interpret and read the mind of the man asking yourself what he really wants when it's really pretty damn simple.

 

But it's the same song with a different tune, It all comes down to the same exact thing...this guy is unavailable and he's simply indecisive because he knows you're into him and are willing to put up with his BS, so he turns up the heat whenever he has to in order to keep you around...otherwise you just leave and he's left with no other options, is it a surprise that people are selfish to a degree and worried about themselves? people worry about being alone, not finding someone else and all that crap, all these things influence his decision.

 

Furthermore you being so liberal and traveled in your life and him being conservative, yes he's going to assume that means you are whoring around...and that may affect the "quality" of the type of woman you are based on by your behavior...he'll also be jealous and insecure about your travels and all the things you've done in your life, but that's not why he isn't with you...he's just like every other guy, trying to have his cake and eat it too in the end and when you pull away he's going to reel you back in, sure that works to an extent, I've even seen women get these "relationships" out of the dynamic of push and pull, but nothing changes the way a guy feels internally, and he already knows, he's just wasting your time and you're wasting your own time as well even if you think you're building on something, at the end of the day you're the foundation is sand and easily crumbles whatever you built atop of it with any moderate external jolt.

 

This guy simply sounds like he doesn't have the options, the confidence or courage to say and go after what he really wants, because he's too damn insecure and in that way, he needs you, that's why he's attached. He's simply exploited your emotions with words and manipulative gestures, but he doesn't really want this...at the end of the day he probably considers you too independent, not the kind of guy a conservative man feels comfortable with under his wing, like a dependent, needy, transparent woman that he can easily out-think or feels in control of. The only power he feels he has over you is emotionally, which he exercises often to make himself feel confident and in control.

[happydate]

This is a pretty typical scenario, you're reading into and analyzing these details and justifying his behavior that he really is into you, in spite of all the inconsistency and hot and cold behavior which is rather typical in men when they want an emotional relationship with you, but not necessarily committed...he's going back and forth on what he wants, and that can change time to time depending on the circumstances and necessity, mostly when you pull away and he has to win you back into his life....regardless of conservative versus liberal and all that other stuff, people are people at the end of the day, and he's acting just like your regular run of the mill guy, guys do this every day with women around the world and women ask the same questions and become "confused" trying to interpret and read the mind of the man asking yourself what he really wants when it's really pretty damn simple.

 

But it's the same song with a different tune, It all comes down to the same exact thing...this guy is unavailable and he's simply indecisive because he knows you're into him and are willing to put up with his BS, so he turns up the heat whenever he has to in order to keep you around...otherwise you just leave and he's left with no other options, is it a surprise that people are selfish to a degree and worried about themselves? people worry about being alone, not finding someone else and all that crap, all these things influence his decision.

 

Furthermore you being so liberal and traveled in your life and him being conservative, yes he's going to assume that means you are whoring around...and that may affect the "quality" of the type of woman you are based on by your behavior...he'll also be jealous and insecure about your travels and all the things you've done in your life, but that's not why he isn't with you...he's just like every other guy, trying to have his cake and eat it too in the end and when you pull away he's going to reel you back in, sure that works to an extent, I've even seen women get these "relationships" out of the dynamic of push and pull, but nothing changes the way a guy feels internally, and he already knows, he's just wasting your time and you're wasting your own time as well even if you think you're building on something, at the end of the day you're the foundation is sand and easily crumbles whatever you built atop of it with any moderate external jolt.

 

This guy simply sounds like he doesn't have the options, the confidence or courage to say and go after what he really wants, because he's too damn insecure and in that way, he needs you, that's why he's attached. He's simply exploited your emotions with words and manipulative gestures, but he doesn't really want this...at the end of the day he probably considers you too independent, not the kind of guy a conservative man feels comfortable with under his wing, like a dependent, needy, transparent woman that he can easily out-think or feels in control of. The only power he feels he has over you is emotionally, which he exercises often to make himself feel confident and in control.

 

His insecurity is tied to his religion.

 

Deepak Chopra once said and he got a ton of flak from a lot of traditional Christians for his comment that.

 

Beliefs is the source of all insecurities.

[CrystalCastles]

Love love love Baggage Reclaim.

 

OP, do you really want to be with someone like that? You're trying to justify the effort and time you are putting into this relationship with this guy, but honestly he's not in it. Do you want to be with someone who can't make up their mind if they want you or not?

[RebelWithoutACause]

I definitely let my guard down with this one. You're right, mostly because he wasn't my type; I thought I was much safer.

 

All of this makes me question our roles as compassionate and empathetic human beings, though. I'm not saying I have any desire to "save" someone, because I don't, but it makes me wonder If what some of these people (especially things I see with him) need is someone that will hang around and be willing to prove how much they care. Not in a clingy, desperate way, but in a mature way. To ease their insecurities.

 

And if we think about it, look how many men need to do exactly this to get through to so many women. But it seems to be stated across the board that a woman should never put up with it from a man.

 

This is all speculation, I'm not saying in any way that I'm going to hang around for this guy - as much as I care about him, I just don't think I can. But I wonder if I should try one last time to go out on a limb and really lay it out how much I care about him. I've never told him. Like I said, I was very closed off the whole time because of his hot and cold. I can be pretty cold and I'm almost a master at poker faces. I wonder if I gave the impression that I really didn't give a ****?

 

It's safe to assume he already knows, at least intuitively, how much you are into him because of all the second, third, forth, etc. chances you've given him. Still I think it's a good idea to lay all your cards on the table, not necessarily because you'll get the answer you want but because it'll give you a closure if nothing else. Just keep in mind, if you go that route, it will very likely push him even further away because he doesn't want to commit to you and won't like being confronted about it. If you are upfront with him about your true feelings and he turns you down do yourself a favour and walk away for good.

[Quiet Storm]

I think he does not see a future with you. He hasn't met someone he likes better yet, and is taking what you're offering up in terms of sex, companionship, entertainment. He likes spending time with you but knows you aren't "the one".