jlb1085 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I'm trying not to write a long winded post, so to make things short: My situation is a LDR in a best friends (with benefits) situation. We see each other in person every month or so. When I go to visit her, I'm happy to spend time with her inbetween her job, appointments, and regular schedule. I don't want to "get in her way' and hold her back from things she needs to get done. When she comes to visit me, I either take time off work (if possible), and I definitely don't make ANY plans or appointments so I'm able to spend as much time as possible with her. I pretty much clear my schedule and am happy to do so. My Issue: When I want to/need to speak to her it's so difficult to get a hold of her. When she does call me it's in between appointments, from coffee shops when she's on the go or while waiting for something else. Hardly ever for enough time to discuss anything serious. While I do treasure the 1-2 hour conversations we're able to have in private on occasion, but usually on her accord when she needs to discuss something that's bothering her. She has said that she hates hanging up with me because I give her this attitude when she tries to get off the phone, so unless she can talk to me for longer, she doesn't even like calling someties. She says that I'm too demanding of her time, She says instead of being grateful for her calling me at all, I'm expecting too much. That being said she is always appreciative of MY time and I always say overly so. I'm happy to give her 100% of my attention and help her with problems, but when it's the other way around....? Nothing. She says my expectations are just too high and she can't satisfy them because I'm just asking too much, it's impossible. ...so I bring the question to this forum. Am I being too demanding? When she expresses herself to me she says that I'm so important to her, and that she's trying to meet my demands, but they're unreasonable. I can't figure out.....am I really asking too much? Can anyone see her perspective and maybe explain it more to me? I just feel.........taken advantage of? But I know she doesn't want to lose me, but I can't figure out ....is it me??
Author jlb1085 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I think she's pulling away because you're wanting more of her time. The best thing to do now is play her game. I would be a bit more "busy." Don't answer all of her phone calls, texts, etc. Pick and choose your spots and give her the same spiel that she gives you. If you're always about her, she's not going to be interested. Give her a chance to see you have better things to do than her (even if you don't). Magically, she'll be all about you after that. Thanks for your response. I did try that a while ago, and we just ended up speaking less because I 'wasn't available' when she'd try to reach me....
CherryT Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I think she's a terrible friend. If she's only calling you when she needs you, but can't even speak with you when you need her... then why are you even friends? She could be pulling away because you're putting pressure on her like she's your GF and making her feel obligated to be there for you when she isn't your GF. If she wanted to be attached to you, she would be. This is a clear sign that she's not interested in anything but friendship. You just have to see/decide whether the one-sided friendship is worth it. It does sound like you're more needy than a friend - which is seems like that's all she wants from you. Friendship and whatever she else she needs when it's convenient for her. She doesn't care for you the way you think she should. 2
soccerrprp Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I'm sorry, but a bit confused. Are you not in a FWB relationship? It sounds like you want a full-blown, attentive, gf, or in other words, a more traditional relationship interaction. I don't get this. FWB use each other for selfish reasons. That's how I see FWBs. I use you when I need you and you get at me when you need me. All until we find something better... I don't understand why you are expecting more of her time and attention. If I were in a FWB relationship, I would be a little annoyed by your need for more attention that I am willing to give under the circumstances. Perhaps talking to her about wanting more?
Author jlb1085 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Maybe I do want more than FWB.... I almost feel like that's a whole new thread though. Here's the thing, every time I've tried to pull back and she notices, she'll tell me how grateful she is to have me in her life and how much she needs me and how things are so much better with me in her life. The problem is that it's all in her words, not in her actions.
D-Lish Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Thanks for your response. I did try that a while ago, and we just ended up speaking less because I 'wasn't available' when she'd try to reach me.... What does that tell you? What does that say to you?
pcplod Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 She's playing you like a fiddle. She gets exactly what she wants out of the arrangement. I won't dignify it by calling it a relationship; it's an arrangement. You are her social and sexual pet. And when you try to 'negotiate' something more to your liking, she accuses you of being too demanding. The problem is that you are compliant and dependent upon her, upon what she reluctantly gives you. It's a pretty one-sided arrangement, you are not happy with it, but you are still prepared to put up with it. Frankly, it is not good advice to suggest that you "should play her at her own game". That is what immature, childish people do. It's manipualtive, just like she is being and all it does is to demonstrate that you don't actually care about someone else. It also smacks of coercion and that can only end in tears, no matter what way you care to look at it. Frankly, she holds all the cards, has no wish to be adaptable, rejects all attempts by you to adjust the state of equilibrium, and will continue to do so, no matter what efforts you make it make it any different. You simply have to decide whether you put up with it, exactly as it is, or simply do what you probably need to do and ought to do; draw a line under it and put an emphatic and final end to it and preserve your energy, time and emotional focus on the sort of arrangement that you are really seeking, a full-on relationship. She does not want to provide it and will not. 4
Author jlb1085 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 She's playing you like a fiddle. She gets exactly what she wants out of the arrangement. I won't dignify it by calling it a relationship; it's an arrangement. You are her social and sexual pet. And when you try to 'negotiate' something more to your liking, she accuses you of being too demanding. The problem is that you are compliant and dependent upon her, upon what she reluctantly gives you. It's a pretty one-sided arrangement, you are not happy with it, but you are still prepared to put up with it. Frankly, it is not good advice to suggest that you "should play her at her own game". That is what immature, childish people do. It's manipualtive, just like she is being and all it does is to demonstrate that you don't actually care about someone else. It also smacks of coercion and that can only end in tears, no matter what way you care to look at it. Frankly, she holds all the cards, has no wish to be adaptable, rejects all attempts by you to adjust the state of equilibrium, and will continue to do so, no matter what efforts you make it make it any different. You simply have to decide whether you put up with it, exactly as it is, or simply do what you probably need to do and ought to do; draw a line under it and put an emphatic and final end to it and preserve your energy, time and emotional focus on the sort of arrangement that you are really seeking, a full-on relationship. She does not want to provide it and will not. Need to hear this, but scared of the repercussions. Thank you!!
Author jlb1085 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 As an afterthought (and the reason for this thread to begin with) is that she said she's *trying* to meet my demands (and for the record, I have seen an improvement since we started talking about this), but she said my expectations are too high and I'm not grateful enough for the effort she's been making. Am I asking too much? I think I need to walk away, but I love her... Torn.
New User Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 In love? Or in heat? I don't know of any FWB relationships that have successfully transitioned to real relationships. Nor have I ever known of one that ended well when one party thought they fell in love.
CherryT Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 As an afterthought (and the reason for this thread to begin with) is that she said she's *trying* to meet my demands (and for the record, I have seen an improvement since we started talking about this), but she said my expectations are too high and I'm not grateful enough for the effort she's been making. Am I asking too much? I think I need to walk away, but I love her... Torn. You have an idea and an expectation of what you think this should be. That's false. You have hope that all of a sudden she will be attentive. But she won't. You said it yourself, it's in her words but not her actions. She could be telling you this so she can get you off her back. But she may not even mean what she says for that matter. It's not HARD to to be there for a friend. If she's calling you and venting to you for hours on end; it's not out of the ordinary for you to expect the same. However, you do want more. And she's not willing or wanting to give it to you. Does she have other guys in her life? 1
Author jlb1085 Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 You have an idea and an expectation of what you think this should be. That's false. You have hope that all of a sudden she will be attentive. But she won't. You said it yourself, it's in her words but not her actions. She could be telling you this so she can get you off her back. But she may not even mean what she says for that matter. It's not HARD to to be there for a friend. If she's calling you and venting to you for hours on end; it's not out of the ordinary for you to expect the same. However, you do want more. And she's not willing or wanting to give it to you. Does she have other guys in her life? ...yes she has another guy in her life as well.
perph Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 (edited) You're being played, simple as that. My advice? Don't be her shoulder to cry on, be less available, and when you are do it on your own terms. When she sees that you respect yourself more, she will notice and become needy, if you play her game, you'll flip the tables back on her and she will be in your position. Either that or she'll walk away. That's what happens with a FWB relationship, and if you want my opinion? Any FWB relationship needs to be cut as soon as either one in the relationship becomes attached. Edited August 3, 2013 by perph
Author jlb1085 Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 Thanks for all of your responses. I think I just keep making excuses for her....and i think to myself how can she say one thing, but then act completely differently. And then I tell myself she's just busy..... The only thing I'm getting out of this relationship is .....a hell of a good time when we DO have time to spend together. I feel like I hear and agree with everything you're all telling me, but then this small voice in my head is like 'but what if..." CherryT, maybe it's just that......the 'hope'
CherryT Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Thanks for all of your responses. I think I just keep making excuses for her....and i think to myself how can she say one thing, but then act completely differently. And then I tell myself she's just busy..... The only thing I'm getting out of this relationship is .....a hell of a good time when we DO have time to spend together. I feel like I hear and agree with everything you're all telling me, but then this small voice in my head is like 'but what if..." CherryT, maybe it's just that......the 'hope' I understand. I think a lot of people go through these situations because they put trust in people who don't deserve it. You trust that she wouldn't do that to you... it's what you're telling yourself. But it's not what she's doing. She has someone else in her life too. You don't need to be that guy that she turns to when her primary guy isn't around. You deserve a relationship with someone committed it that's what you want and is willing to give. There is no "what if" if you keep acting the way you do. You'll continue getting the same results. Walk away and have self respect. And when she comes running back (she might not) I hope you realize that there are way better options out there. You wouldn't want to be her primary guy and have her calling someone else and having a FWB on the side.
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