aloneinaz Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Just curious for feedback from others. I've been dating a girl for almost a month. She has two pre-teen daughters. She made it clear that she doesn't introduce guys to them until she knows the relationship is solid and going somewhere. I totally get that and respect it. Now, here's the question- She's been to my house 8-10 times. I've offered to pick her up on dates but she always says she'll just come here and we leave from my house. She lives like 4 miles from me. What's odd to me is I've NEVER been invited to her home. I've made her dinner at my place multiple times but it's not be reciprocated. She has her kids every other week so there's plenty of time to invite me there when her kids are at their Dads. Now, she was burned by the last guy she dated. He moved in and then she booted him out less than a month later when she found him cheating on her. Thoughts? I can't EVER recall not being invited to girl I'm dating exclusively place in less than a few dates.
Story Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I'd mentioned to her that you'd like to come to her home to hang out when the kids aren't there, and then see what she had to say. Have you tried that? 2
Author aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I've brought to her attention that I haven't been invited to her home nor know where she lives. She was leaving town the other day. I suggested she come by and give me a hug or a kiss. I then said "maybe one day, I'll know where you live and can come give you that hug or kiss".. She said, "yea, someday". So she knows it's bothering me to a degree. IDK, just seems odd to me. Typically, after a few dates, you go to their place to pick them up for dates. I've NEVER experienced this in my life and I'm in my 40's.. Clearly, there's some trust issues here w/her. She comfortable having sex w/me and sleeping at my house yet hasn't invited to her place.. Hum... Thoughts?
Greatshoes13 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I definitely agree that it's strange, but I would think that it still ties in with her hesitation to introduce someone new to her daughters - maybe she needs a little more time to feel absolutely comfortable bringing you into her home, as it's one step closer to meeting her daughters. 2
Author aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I definitely agree that it's strange, but I would think that it still ties in with her hesitation to introduce someone new to her daughters - maybe she needs a little more time to feel absolutely comfortable bringing you into her home, as it's one step closer to meeting her daughters. I've polled some friends and a female friend. They think its either a trust issue (like you're saying) or she imbarrased about her place or home. What's odd is she trusts me enough to be having sex with me and spend the night with me but not invite me to her home? It has to be a trust issue and her kids... My last GF invited me to pick her up on the second date at her house. She had two kids that I didn't meet until 2-3 months in. I still went to her house all the time after the kids were in bed asleep or when the kids were at their Dads on his weekend. Other thoughts?
Author aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 any other thoughts? Come on, share..
StarsOnFire Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I think it's her way of keeping you at arms length. She's not ready to fully let you in yet, which, I understand from her past of being burned. I know it's bothering you, but I'd let it go for awhile, I think she's trying to protect herself, and once she feels completely comfortable, and that your relationship is long-term you'll be invited to her personal space. Just my thoughts... 4
clia Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I think it's strange. If her daughters aren't there anyway, I don't see why she wouldn't invite you over. It could be anything, but the two things that jump out at me are (1) she's ashamed of her house for some reason; or (2) HOARDER. I'm only half kidding about number 2. I saw an episode on one of the hoarding shows which featured a totally normal woman dating a guy who also looked completely normal and lived in a nice subdivision, but after 6 (?) months she had never been to his house. He told her he was "messy" and she just accepted that. The show brought her over to the house and it was stacked floor to ceiling with crap. She was completely in shock. If she doesn't want you at her house, there's got to be a reason, especially since she lives so near by. Have you ever even pulled up in her driveway to drop her off or anything? Have you seen the outside? I always want to see where and how a guy lives fairly early on. I think it says a lot about a person.
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 possibilities - (a little extreme to make the point and also a little tongue-in-cheek but still worth investigating) - You are just a booty call and she doesn't want to change her sheets. - Her husband or live-in BF would object. (have you truly confirmed that she is single????? .... and by confirmed, I mean find out as fact on your own and relying simple on what comes out of her mouth) - Her house is a pit/she is a hoarder etc. - she's a freeloader and likes the free meals at your house. - She has nosey neighbors she doesn't want poking into her business. - she has friends that stop by the house frequently and she's keeping you a dirty little secret (may be related to #1.) -the kids father may have been able to work some kind of no-boyfriends-allowed-at-childrens-house court order (rare but it does happen) - she may live across the street from ex in-laws. - you may turn her on but she isn't certain you aren't a child molester or ax murderer, burgler or other undesirable. - you are a post divorce 'orgasm-giver' but she doesn't deem you as relationship material and she doesn't want you in her home. - her neighborhood reflects a vastly different lifestyle than your's, ie she is in a housing project in a slum or a mansion with a butler at the country club etc. - She views you as a fun boy toy but not step father material. - bodies stashed in her crawlspace and her husbands corpse mummified in the bedroom. - she's just not into you and doesn't want you in her home.
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 IMHO not having her meet her children after only a month is not strange and is downright prudent and sensible. If she is only very recently divorced she may be going through a stage where she is just getting out of the house and getting some new d!ck and having some fun but isn't interested in pursuing anything more serious at this point. While there doesn't necessarily have to be anything nefarious going on here, it may be a bit indicative that you two are at completely different places as to where you see this relationship going.
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 She's hiding something. Probably. The question is is she hiding something at her home or is she hiding Aloneinaz?
BluEyeL Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Not meeting the kids is absolutely normal and fine. Not bringing you to the house can be for different reasons: - doesn't want you to know where she lives until she trusts you completely - her house is a disaster - she doesn't want the neighbors to see her bringing a man to the house. I don't know that she's hiding another man, it's a bit extreme. 1
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 PRUDENT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? she is hiding another guy!!! Yes prudent and I am not kidding at all. It is responsible parenting not to bring suitors into your kids lives until you are reasonably certain that this person will become a stable, long-term and positive person in their lives. A year isn't even an unreasonable time before bringing someone into your children's lives. Not introducing him within a month shouldn't even bat an eye. However her insistence on keeping him away even if the kids are out of town may be cause for a little more vigilance. My gut is telling me he is just getting a little more emotionally invested in the R than she is at this point. Sure there may be another guy or even multiple guys. That is her right. He hasn't said anything about them discussing whether this is an exclusive R or not. 1
Joaquin Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 She is so in control here. Id not make my house so available and see what she suggests.
eddyctv Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 cant you just look up her name online then google earth her address?
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't know that she's hiding another man, it's a bit extreme. Go over to the OM/OW forum for a few minutes. There are people there that were very involved with people for years before they found out their supposed Mr/Miss Perfect was married with a family and living what appeared to be a perfectly normal life. Nothing has been said that about them being exclusive or anything like that so we do have to assume that she is at least dating other men and that is her right as well as his. And before he just assumes that she does not have a husband/BF living in the house, he needs to some how confirm that himself as just a normal part of covering your ass in the dating world.
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 She is so in control here. Id not make my house so available and see what she suggests. That's not bad advice. I think you should pull back a little bit and not keep getting so emotionally invested and make your home less available and see what she does. She may step up and offer her house or she may drop off the planet. If she drops off the planet, you know where you stand.
Author aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) Ok, thanks for the thoughts, some pretty funny! We are "exclusive", that part has been made clear. We've been having sex since after the 5th date and like I said, she's slept at my house and has been here to my place, many, many times. I have never been to her house. I have a general idea where it is and it's not a bad neighborhood at all. I'm her friend on Facebook and she's very active on it. She has HUNDREDS of pictures on it. Everything she says has jived. She said her and her ex bf broke up in January and her timeline on Facebook says the same thing. I've never caught her lying or playing games. I've seen plenty of pics of her home as she was rearranging things and showed me. Not a hoarder. She is a bit introverted and shy I think. Her ex BF cheated on her shortly after moving into her house. She then booted him out. They were actually engaged as well. She got divorced 5 years ago. I've loved the opinions of you guys. I do find it strange but agree with the person who said she's just being very cautious w/me. She trusts me enough to have sex w/me and sleep here. I agree w/her not letting me meet her kids until it's more serious, I have no problem w/that. I've just never NOT been to a girls place after more than a handful of dates. It does bug me and if she doesn't invite me there soon, there's going to be a conversation about it. If you don't trust me enough to invite me to your home after a month and seeing me 3-4 times a week, than that's almost a deal breaker to me.. Edited August 2, 2013 by aloneinaz
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