Author 240Zest Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 Her side absolutely hated me. I was definitely up against an army. What made things more awkward is that I still went to their places for family events. Just weird but I maintained my cool the whole time. I think in your case her age plays a role. She might feel what my gf felt. She wants to feel like she's not just a mother. To find herself blah blah. They say the human brain doesn't fully stop developing til the late 20's. she could be experiencing a change. Basically a quarter life crisis. She's gonna have to figure out that being a single mother isn't all that's it cracked up to be. That's one thing my ex said to me the other day. At the time she felt strong and had a who needs men attitude. She finally realized the toll it was taking on her and my son. That wasn't the reason she came back though. Our counselor asked her why she came back and her answer was because I was the love if her life. Took her 14 months to realize that though. We texted almost everyday. Mostly about my son. When I'd drop him off or pick him up we would just catch up on daily stuff. Usually her work or family life. I'd tell her what I was up to. I was in heavy counseling at the time and it would piss her off when I talked about it. I would rarely initiate contact, unless it had to do with my son. One thing that helped was us playing rockband together. It was always something we loved doing together and we continued doing while we were broken up. She was always comfortable singing in front of me and no one else, so I took that as something positive. My counselor even asked me how I could hang out with her. My answer was that I always got strength and focused my energy on him. It made my day when I saw my son having fun with his mommy and daddy. We even went to the beach as a family and the park and other family things. I used those times to show her my changes were gonna stick. It was easy for her to see how much I was able to control my anger. I tried my best to just be a fun happy guy during those times. It's easy if you focus on your child. I really feel for anybody that has to go through this when a child is involved. Remember guys, stay focused on your kids. I got so much strength from my son. Also remember to not worry about setbacks. Accept that they will happen. I had so many setbacks where I thought of just becoming an assh*le and forget about trying. An important thing I learned... Put your significant other first. If you do that it will be easier to have a stable home for your child. Right after my son was born I neglected my gf and focused too much on my son. I realized that if I focused on her more it would make raising my son easier. Having two happy, emotionally healthy parents is always a good environment for raising a child. Really I can't thank you enough for these well written replies. Definitely helping to keep me sane and on track because I definitely understand you on how easy it is to just sometimes give up and become angry that you're giving so much but getting so little back. You pulled it off though because you were genuinely happy and caring for your son and ex. I feel the same way about our daughter. The last drop off day she was asleep as I carried her in and I laid her down on my ex's bed and laid down with her while singing softly to keep her asleep. My ex laid down in the bed too on the other side of our daughter and looked at me and smiled. I can tell it made her happy to see me actually being a good father. I believe you are so correct in that she is going through a phase and that she'll realize that being a single mother isn't all that it's cracked up to be. She broke up with me 2 weeks after graduating from cosmotology school. I believe she felt as though she was on top of the world after graduating and was ready to finally leave me and become more independent. However she is currently living in a small 10x10 foot room at her step parents house and will probably be there for another year or two as she has a lot of debt, while I recently just moved into a room that is twice the size of my last one. She still doesn't know and will probably flip when she sees how much better my living situation is compared to hers. Currently I am very happy with the direction my life is heading in. I love my new living situation and I'm in the best shape of my life. It makes it so much easier for me to be fun and happy around my family when I don't have to worry about other things on top of our relationship problems. I do have a few questions about family though. Did you make any efforts to reconcile with any of them before she got back with you? Did any of them try to convince her not to get back with you when she decided to at 14 months? Did any of them see the same changes in you that she saw? How is your relationship with them now? I'm upset at a few of them for openly supporting my ex and telling her shes better off and should never give me another chance. I will definitely have to see them at my ex's bday party in October and our daughters bday in December. Did you go to your ex's bday? I'm not sure if I should be there. How did your first thanksgiving and christmas apart go down? Did you spend it together as a family at all or did your son just have separate celebrations with each of you?
hinatticus Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) I tried patching things up with my gf's mom but in retrospect I think it didnt matter. I let my actions speak for themselves. I just remained respectful whenever I saw them. Try not letting her family affect you. It doesn't matter what they think or do, it's out of your control. You only have control over what you do, make the best of it! As for the holidays we agreed we'd split them up but I think we spent some of them together. I'm pretty sure she took my son over to her family for thanksgiving and I did nothing. For Xmas she came over in the morning so we could both watch our son open gifts then she took him for the rest of the day to go to her family. It was heartbreaking but I had to put on my big boy pants and suck it up. Halloween was fun though because we all went to my buddy's place and went trick or treating together. I found out that even though we had agreements made regarding holidays, plans change and we ended up doing family time a lot. We celebrated his birthday with her family and my friends at the beach. She came out to my bday but I didn't go to hers. I think she was just starting to date around that time and probably didnt want to invite me out. Another weird thing we did together was I taught her how to drive. Anyway, if you have any other questions feel free to ask. Stay positive, work on yourself, dont fight over petty things, be there for your family and try to get to that acceptance stage. Edited August 13, 2013 by hinatticus 1
Author 240Zest Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 This is still such an emotional rollercoaster. I thought I've been fine lately but the last time I went to go pick up my daughter I just started crying midway home for no reason. I've been feeling so hopeless lately. The more time that passes it feels like she's slipping further away, not closer. The only good news is that she's a lot more comfortable hanging out with me now, but even then I wonder if it's cause she just looks at me like a friend now. Last Sunday I took her to an antique fair by my house because she likes antiques. We had a great time. Afterwards I took her to run errands, during which she blurted out that its nice to be out with someone again. That she's had to do grocery shopping and other stuff alone. That could be good news but like I said I can't tell if its only cause I'm more like a friend to her now. I wish I could just talk to her about it but it would only set me back. @hinatticus I've started to make an effort to visit my daughter on days that I don't have her. I only plan on doing this once every couple of weeks as I don't want to impede on my ex's freedom. Did you ever do this? Am I setting my self back by doing this? She seemed fine with it so far but I've only done it twice. Your gf said to be persistent without pressure. I think about that everyday now. During your break up did you ever mention the relationship or possibilities of reconciliation once in a while? I feel like I need to sometimes just so she knows that I still am working on winning my family back. Can you elaborate on how you were persistent without pressure? Maybe even throw in a few examples of a few setbacks that you had. Also my e mail is sellyoursole @gmail if you can send me yours it'd be much appreciated.
Mariposa10 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 The problem if you start talking about the relationship, is that you'll start looking clingy/needy, that's what you need to avoid. Whenever I feel like start talking about that with my ex-boyfriend I remember how people are not attracted to someone needy or clingy. Also, let's say that the dumper does want to get back together, are the dumper and dumpee ready for it? Or will they just make the same mistakes. I know you feel afraid of losing her, but just be nice, show her that you've changed (if you were doing something wrong). You need to be in control of your emotions. It's good to transmit openness, friendliness and generosity, not aggressiveness. My advice, as soon as you start feeling like talking about the past leave, just do it. You need to show your ex you're a fun person to be around. Good luck, don't give up!!! Focus on your child. 1
Mariposa10 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You might find this article useful: How To Make Your Ex NOT Feel Pressured | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng Which is about pretty much what I said earlier. 1
Mariposa10 Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I'll email you... Or you can share it here, it could be useful to some other people too. Sometimes I also feel the urge of asking my ex-boyfriend what our situation is...
Author 240Zest Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 @Mariposa have you bought her ebook?
Mariposa10 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 @Mariposa have you bought her ebook? No, I think the articles are enough. Every article has a lot of useful information.
MrE_UK Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) Hi, Am also in a similar situation. Have been separated for around 2.5 months now after together about 7 years and married about 5 years. Has been tough as hell. I too have a daughter and have to stay in contact with the ex. However... I came to the realisation I needed to change (anxiety issues), so, have sought help for that, as well as done 180, had counselling, reading books, changing habits, etc.,. I too was neglectful and distant, not very caring or loving in the end. I have apologised. I sent her an email each week about counselling and she appreciates that - this week she said: "That's exactly what I was trying to say!" I decided I would be genuinely caring, consistent, respectful, etc., as that's how I feel and am striving to be. I don't ask if she's dating (although she said would tell me if she decides to before she does), or about her whereabouts and other things, no begging or pleading. I focus on my daughter and on myself (swimming, walking, applying for new jobs, eating well, stay groomed, new aftershave, finished book proposal and sent to agents (being considered), entered short story competition, etc.,). I said I am neither waiting nor looking for anyone else; but, following opportunities as they arrive in life and not until I am ready. I said I would like to eventually live near to my daughter too. She has responded in a positive way. And there have been some advantages: 1. FaceTime (on iPhones) with my daughter now lasts 30 mins instead of 4 mins like before each evening. Ex also takes it to her bedroom and lays on the bed, with little one and we play about. 2. Ex joins in and tells me about her day, where they've been, how her new job's going, a bit about her stress levels, show's my daughter's new clothes and pre-school things (new this week!) 3. She seems to have dropped the anger and resentment (new this week too!) 4. We've started sharing jokes and laughing now (new this week again!) 5. Ex has my other daughter (previous relationship) to stay - picks up and drops off from 1hr 45min drive away. Have shown my appreciation and said am so happy she is doing this as is a massive deal - said shows how much of a wonderful and generous person she is! 6. She asked me if I'd had my haircut again. She always asks when I do??? Am now on the long road too. However, we both still wear our wedding rings, and she sometimes calls me darling (habit). Still on FB as married - no one's blocked anyone. May work out to reconcile, may not; but, I've lost over 2 stone since she left!! Edited August 31, 2013 by MrE_UK 1
Author 240Zest Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Hey thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're making all the right moves and heading in the right direction. If you don't mind it'd be nice to be updated once in a while on your situation.
MrE_UK Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Hey thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're making all the right moves and heading in the right direction. If you don't mind it'd be nice to be updated once in a while on your situation. Sure. I'll post an update every so often. Will be interesting to see where this is headed. Who knows?
MrE_UK Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Had job interview today (think went well!), and this morning had a text from ex saying, "Good luck for today love both of us xx" How nice is that?!
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