How do I correctly apply Limited Contact when a child is involved?

[240Zest]

So it's been about a month since she moved out. We have a 20 month old daughter together and we were together for almost 5 years(In October). I have my daughter every Tues-Weds-Thurs of every week which means I have to see my ex twice a week and we also chat through text or phone every few days to check in on our daughter. I would love nothing more then to go full NC but it is just not possible in my situtation. I want my family back so bad but she is convinced that we are better off separated and has the backing of some of her family.

 

I'm not quite sure what steps to take to winning her back. I'm currently trying to give her as much space as possible. I don't hug or touch her unless she does it first. I also try not to ask probing questions about her life.

 

When she asks me about my life at first I would be short with her and she was starting to get annoyed that I was being short.

 

I've been given two types of advice for reconciliation but I don't know which one to take. Should I try to keep her out of the loop in everything that doesn't pertain to our daughter or should I still be nice to her and show her that her life is better with me in it? She still calls me and asks me for favors:

 

Here is one example of a situation where I'm confused on if I'm handling it in the right way:

She asked me a couple of days ago if I can watch our daughter for 2 hours on this coming Sunday while she does hair for a client at a wedding. I agreed to and she was very happy that I did. Did I handle it right or am I letting her walk all over me? The last time she asked me a favor like that a couple of weeks ago my response was "You wanted this separation. If you need help watching her on your time it's no longer my responsibility. Not as easy as you thought it was going to be was it?" She took this as me saying I'm not willing to be flexible for our daughters sake.

 

I'm so confused on how I should talk to and treat my ex. Just need some help since it's hard to move on if I have to see her twice a week for the next 18 years probably. I want nothing more than to have my family back and healthy and would do anything. I can be as patient as need I just need the right advice and plan.

 

Also she is still physically attracted to me and even tells me still. She is just stonewalled and emotionally detached.

[AllTooWell]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

 

LC when dealing with a child simply means no contact EXCEPT FOR situations involving your child. So pick up, drop off, etc. If she calls you asking how your daughter is doing, you answer, but you do not talk about anything besides your daughter. You don't ask her how she is doing, and if she asks how you are, a simple 'fine, thank you.' will suffice.

 

I don't think there is an issue about you watchign your daughter when she asked. if you are available to do so, and you want to spend the time with your daughter, then do so. However, if you have other plans she can't hold that against you (if it's not during your normal custody time.)

You need to be careful of not acting maliciously towards your ex and also harming your daughter in the process.

 

 

If you know she is attracted to you, etc, you are clearly having conversations that bridge outside of LC. Try to only talk about your child.

[hinatticus]

You should go through all of my threads. I was in a similar situation except I screwed up real bad(anger issues) and she left me. It took her 14 months to come back to me. During that time I went to counseling, read books, and took my son whenever she asked(if I was able to). She eventually saw that I was a genuine person. We both dated other people during that time as well.

 

Eventually you'll just accept that it's over. Be the best parent you can be and never get your ex mad. I fought hard with figuring out if I was genuinely being nice or a doormat. Do what's comfortable for you I guess. I used to take her shopping for groceries and watch my son while she worked late plus I'd pick him up and drop him off during her times with him. I just kept telling myself it was just another opportunity to see my son. We've been back together for over 4 months now and we're in couples counseling. Things are getting back to normal.

 

I feel your pain but hang in there. Things will get better if you are the bigger person during all of this.

 

Good luck.

[240Zest]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

@hinatticus I have gone through all your threads. To say our situations are similar is an understatement. I've never laid a hand on my ex and have probably only raised my voice at her twice during our 4.5 year relationship. My problem was that I didn't give her the appreciation she deserved and treated her pretty bad. It's funny how clear everything becomes once it's too late. If I could just have one last chance I know what needs to be done now and have definitely changed myself for the better. I understand it's going to take a long time for her to see those changes as permanent but I am willing to be patient to try and get my family back.

[hinatticus]

All I can say is stay strong and be there for your family. I know what kind of pain you're in. It's awful knowing your family is split up. I had such awful thoughts going through my head as I'm sure you are too. The thing that always made it easier was seeing my son. Focus everything you have on your baby girl. Be that great father figure she can be proud of. Just keep bettering yourself. Don't let petty things upset you. Journal, meditate, read books, be happy. Accept that you will have set backs, you're only human and not perfect. Don't dwell on the past. Get rid of any negative stories you have going on in your head.

 

I don't know much about your history with your ex, but I'm more than willing to offer you any advice that helped me through my hellish experience.

 

As my mom always says, think positive...

[240Zest]

She actually is supposed to pick up our daughter today and asked if I would like to go to the lake with them. First time since the split up that I was invited to go somewhere with her. Not gonna get my hopes up but this definitely feels like a possible step in the right direction. Wish I could send you a private message but it wont let me. Yeah I love my daughter a lot and have no intentions of just dumping either of them from life. I guess my only game plan is to be the best person and father that I can be and if it's meant to be she will follow. Only hard part is seeing her twice a week still since I become flooded with emotions and it's hard to think straight sometimes.

[hinatticus]

I think you need to have a set amount of messages or length of time on the board to send private messages.

 

About being flooded with emotions when you see your ex, what helped me was just focusing everything on my son. I saw my ex at the time 3-4 times a week sometimes more.

 

If you do go to the lake with them, just be happy and strong. My gf also told me what pushed her further away from me was me talking about the past and seeing me hurt. I did a decent job of staying happy. One thing though, my gf was in a fog for a while. Took her a while to let go of false stories and resentment.

 

Take things one day at a time...

[240Zest]

Yeah I'm trying my best to be happy around them and I've stopped talking about getting back together with her. Is there anything else you did that your gf said it pushed her away or brought her closer to you?

[hinatticus]

She knew I was in counseling, so time needed to go by so she could see changes that lasted. I was always a great father so that helped. I was always there for her when no one else was. I became the man she always wanted. Those are a few things that she liked. The things I did that pushed her away was mentioning the past, talking about my therapy, getting her upset. I basically had to bite my tongue many times. I told myself that I would put up with her anger because I f*cked up the relationship. I walked a very fine line between being a responsible caring person and a doormat.

 

In the end it helped that she dated a few douche bags and I was dating cute girls. Basically, be strong and happy and when you have setbacks don't let them bother you. Lots of time needs to go by.

[240Zest]

So when my ex starts dating again or ends up in a serious relationship with another guy. How should I act? I know I should be a good father no matter what, but should I then not help her or do favors for her anymore? How differently did you approach things when she started dating compared to when she was single? I too am currently walking a fine line between being caring and being a doormat. Just wanna make sure I'm not making any mistakes.

[hinatticus]

I honestly didnt change too much. She eventually realized I was there for her when others weren't. Every situation is different and you might have to tackle yours differently. One thing my gf told me was that the guys she dated didnt seem to care as much as I did. I didn't do anything to manipulate her. I kept the mind frame of being kind without expectations. Meaning, I was being kind anyway. Just be a good person because that's the right thing to do. I learned that from a mother Teresa poem of all places. Haha.

 

How are you feeling? You handling things ok? Remember to try and find happiness from within and it will spread. To your child and even your ex.

[Mariposa10]

I haven't been in your situation, but I did just break up with my boyfriend whom I've known for 5 years. If I were you I would focus on the baby. Be the person your wife fell in love with?

Also, I find this article very interesting....

 

Why Maintaining Contact With Your Ex Is Crucial | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

[240Zest]

Yeah I guess the only thing I can do is be the best father I can and just be a caring person to my family. I'll have to accept that it might even take years for any true positive changes in me to be noticed.

 

I'm currently holding up okay. I stopped trying to cut communication with her and ignoring her if it didn't involve the child and she has been reacting more positively towards me. I can see how NC or LC works, but when you co-parent and have to see your ex weekly it's just not the best plan. Its impossible for me not to divulge info on how I'm doing in life or listen to her when she tells me about her life because you want to know that your child is in good hands with the other person. I have completely stopped bringing up the past as that is behind me and I have moved on. I no longer ask her any questions about the relationship. I really miss my family and can only hope to one day fully have them back. I feel as though my heart is in the right place and I will just have to learn to be patient and not do anything that would push my family further away from me.

 

@mariposa Thanks for the link. It really applies to the direction I want to head in and has great tips for communicating without being pushy/needy or being a doormat.

[240Zest]

Just found out today from a mutual friend that she is already talking to and possibly dating another guy

 

Not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Just have to remember and accept that this was gonna happen sooner or later. She never told me and I don't plan on asking her.

 

@hinatticus when you or your girl dated other people did you guys let each other know? Did you have a system? I would think the courteous thing to do is let the other person know since whoever I date or my ex dates is gonna play a possible role in our child's life. Should I address this with my ex?

[Mariposa10]

Just found out today from a mutual friend that she is already talking to and possibly dating another guy

 

Not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Just have to remember and accept that this was gonna happen sooner or later. She never told me and I don't plan on asking her.

 

@hinatticus when you or your girl dated other people did you guys let each other know? Did you have a system? I would think the courteous thing to do is let the other person know since whoever I date or my ex dates is gonna play a possible role in our child's life. Should I address this with my ex?

 

Like I said before I wasn't married but my ex-boyfriend and I lasted almost 5 years. I'm not sure about whether my ex is dating someone else, but I do know what he's been talking to this girl. This article has helped me a lot:

 

Should I Ask My Ex If She?s Dating Someone Else? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

[hinatticus]

Just found out today from a mutual friend that she is already talking to and possibly dating another guy

 

Not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Just have to remember and accept that this was gonna happen sooner or later. She never told me and I don't plan on asking her.

 

@hinatticus when you or your girl dated other people did you guys let each other know? Did you have a system? I would think the courteous thing to do is let the other person know since whoever I date or my ex dates is gonna play a possible role in our child's life. Should I address this with my ex?

 

 

Sorry to hear that buddy.

 

We definitely had a system. We set some ground rules. Our rules might differ from what may want to follow, but here's a few things. The other person would not meet our son until a significant amount of time passed. I'm talking like at least 6 months. We would have open communication. We let each other know if we were dating and for how long. We rarely made each other watch our son to go out on dates, in fact I never asked her to watch him while I went out on a date and I think she didnt either.

 

A few things to remember. Never and I mean never bash the other guy. If anything I was so nice to her that it interfered with her dating. I mean, it's very uncomfortable for the other dude to stomache that the person they are dating has a child and they are on good terms with the father. I asked my one friend who is very alpha male if he would continue dating his gf if she was on good terms with her kid's father. He flat out told me no, there are other girls out there. I figured it's hard enough to get alone time with someone with a kid, now imagine how much harder it would be if they spent lots of family time together. And that's exactly what I did, I spent lots of family time with them. Not to manipulate but I wanted my son to see his real parents together with him. I met lots of girls who didnt mind I had a child or spoke to my ex, so maybe girls have a different mindset than males.

 

Anyway, stay strong and level headed and remember that it's ok to feel like absolute crap from time to time. You're only human.

[240Zest]

@maripose thanks for the link again. Really like that site. Read a dozen articles so far.

 

@hinatticus

That is some really solid advice and it definitely is making things mentally easier for me. I have no doubt that I can be a great and caring father. She even told me I'm a great father I just wasn't a great boyfriend. So I just need to try and stay positive and show that I've learned and moved on from the past. I'll be seeing her tomorrow and will bring up the topic of making a system. I'll also try to come up with a few other co parenting topics so it doesn't seem like I know she's already dating.

 

Thanks for the constant replies and advice. Id be a little lost without you guys. Definitely making moving on a lot easier for me now.

[hinatticus]

No problem man. This site helped me through some dark times, I figured I'd help too. Breakups are so much harder when a child is involved. You have to treat this breakup differently than all your past breakups. If anything a breakup involving a child makes it easier to becoming a better man. You want your child to look up to you and respect you for handling such a tough situation. I kept telling myself that my son was going to be proud of the way I handled our breakup. I would constantly tell him that mommy and daddy love him. I never bad mouthed her in front of him, or to anyone. Even my close friends respected the way I handled things. They were proud of the person I was becoming.

 

I'm not sure what your main problem was in your relationship but for me, going to counseling was a huge help. I was against counseling for a long time until I tried it. Made me realize I had to work on a lot more than just my anger.

 

Google pathwaytohappiness. That site helped me find peace and happiness as well. Especially check out the free podcasts. It focuses on changing your core beliefs. I've listened to all the podcasts many times.

 

Anyway, stay busy, go out with friends, journal, do anything productive.

 

Oh another thing. Is your ex showing signs of being resentful? I have some tips if she's constantly angry with you.

 

Good luck man.

Edited August 8, 2013 by hinatticus

[240Zest]

It was weird. I dropped off my daughter today at her step parents house(where she is currently staying) and hung out for 4 hours because I wanted to avoid traffic and she was perfectly fine with it because she had an extra hand watching our daughter. During my stay she was nice and not resentful. It seems like she has completely moved on and tells me she is happy with where her life is heading(without me). But during the last hour she asked me to give her advice on a few of her new outfits she just bought and at one point she changed right in front of me and didn't really care if I saw her in just her underwear.

 

I don't know how to read that situation other than she just didn't think about it because she's so used to it? It gives me a tiny bit of hope though because it shows that she is somewhat still comfortable with me around her.

 

Like you a big motivation for me is that I want to be able to tell my child one day that I tried my hardest and gave it my best whether or not I ever get a second chance.

 

If you ever have any random tips that you think are important feel free to throw them my way as I'm sure it'll apply to me sooner or later. Thanks again!

[hinatticus]

Could be that she's just used to it. My gf said to be persistent without pressure. The pressure pushed her further away. I set myself a timeframe to move on. I used 8 months to a year to work on myself and if after that time I would accept that she wasn't coming back. She came back after 14 months.

 

You mentioned she said you were a bad boyfriend. What kind of bad behavior did you portray? I had anger issues so I went straight to counseling.

 

One thing that I did that I think helped was having fun on family days. I wanted my son to see two happy parents.

 

My gf said that your ex might be experiencing something she hasn't in a while, freedom. My gf realized it was just a phase. How old are you two? My gf was 26 when she left me. She wanted to find herself, whatever that means. I was 33 when she left and I just wanted to settle down. We were in two different phases of life I guess.

 

Just be patient, happy, and do your best not to fight. Let her lead and never bring up reconciling unless she talks about it first. Show her that you are fun to be around and over time she will notice. Most importantly, accept that you will have setbacks during you set time frame.

 

I didn't start dating til about the 10 month mark. She started dating at around 8 months post breakup. I tried my best to accept she was dating but a part of me didnt give up. I wanted to move on and I let the girls I dated know my situation. They all accepted it weirdly enough.

 

Anyway, let me know how old you guys are and the circumstances surrounding your break up and I might be able to offer more insight.

 

Good luck.

[240Zest]

We're both about to turn 25 in the next couple of months.

 

In your situation were there any family members on your gfs side that didn't want her to get back with you? I have that problem currently with a couple of her family members. Feels like I'm up against a whole army.

 

I just treated her bad by being neglectful and unappreciative. I also stopped doing as many special and romantic things for her after the baby as all my attention was spent on our daughter. I had little patience and would be sarcastic or condescending in my replies sometimes. I don't have anger issues and never hit her. I think I've only yelled about twice during our relationship.

 

I have realized every mistake I've made and I now know how to treat her and give her the appreciation she needs while balancing everything else in my life. It just sucks that you don't realize these things until they are too late.

 

Another question I have is I'm not sure how to correctly be caring and there for her like I want to be without intruding into her space or freedom as you said. Currently we only really talk in person during drop off and pick up days. In between we sometimes dont even talk at all until the next pick up or drop off. During your break up how often did you guys speak to each other through text or phone? Did you guys ever contact each other to just chat or check up on each other or did you just keep all convos centered around your son? Should I be going no contact between pick up drop off days or should I initiate some contact?

[240Zest]

Also time frame wise I've already accepted that it's gonna take between 6 months to 2 years before any chances at reconciliation. Im just gonna continue to be fun and happy during family time. Would me asking for family time during her days with our daughter be intruding?

[struass]

I'm reading this thread with great interest as I'm in a similar situation.

 

3 weeks today since my world was turned upside down. At the moment and for our son I'm still living in the spare room. I've had an offer accepted on a new flat so I'm focussed on the 3rd Sept. when I can move out. To this day, I still have no idea why this has happened (although on my other thread, folk are certain it was another man). It's very clear she still has feelings for me and mine haven't changed so it's difficult to deal with.

 

Anyway, moving forward I'm also going to have to apply Limited Contact. My son is my life and I'll do anything to make this transition as easy on him as possible......he's 2. While I'm hurting bad I continue to put a face on for the sake of him. Things will get worse when she starts seeing someone but I'll cross the bridge when I come to it. My plan right now is just to be as normal as possible, if that gets my son through this I've won, if the ex decides she's made a mistake then I'll need to re-evaluate my feelings. I want nothing more than for us to be a family, we are great parents, best friends and been each others rock for 9 years. Surely you don't just throw that away.

[hinatticus]

We're both about to turn 25 in the next couple of months.

 

In your situation were there any family members on your gfs side that didn't want her to get back with you? I have that problem currently with a couple of her family members. Feels like I'm up against a whole army.

 

I just treated her bad by being neglectful and unappreciative. I also stopped doing as many special and romantic things for her after the baby as all my attention was spent on our daughter. I had little patience and would be sarcastic or condescending in my replies sometimes. I don't have anger issues and never hit her. I think I've only yelled about twice during our relationship.

 

I have realized every mistake I've made and I now know how to treat her and give her the appreciation she needs while balancing everything else in my life. It just sucks that you don't realize these things until they are too late.

 

Another question I have is I'm not sure how to correctly be caring and there for her like I want to be without intruding into her space or freedom as you said. Currently we only really talk in person during drop off and pick up days. In between we sometimes dont even talk at all until the next pick up or drop off. During your break up how often did you guys speak to each other through text or phone? Did you guys ever contact each other to just chat or check up on each other or did you just keep all convos centered around your son? Should I be going no contact between pick up drop off days or should I initiate some contact?

 

Her side absolutely hated me. I was definitely up against an army. What made things more awkward is that I still went to their places for family events. Just weird but I maintained my cool the whole time.

 

I think in your case her age plays a role. She might feel what my gf felt. She wants to feel like she's not just a mother. To find herself blah blah. They say the human brain doesn't fully stop developing til the late 20's. she could be experiencing a change. Basically a quarter life crisis. She's gonna have to figure out that being a single mother isn't all that's it cracked up to be. That's one thing my ex said to me the other day. At the time she felt strong and had a who needs men attitude. She finally realized the toll it was taking on her and my son. That wasn't the reason she came back though. Our counselor asked her why she came back and her answer was because I was the love if her life. Took her 14 months to realize that though.

 

We texted almost everyday. Mostly about my son. When I'd drop him off or pick him up we would just catch up on daily stuff. Usually her work or family life. I'd tell her what I was up to. I was in heavy counseling at the time and it would piss her off when I talked about it. I would rarely initiate contact, unless it had to do with my son. One thing that helped was us playing rockband together. It was always something we loved doing together and we continued doing while we were broken up. She was always comfortable singing in front of me and no one else, so I took that as something positive. My counselor even asked me how I could hang out with her. My answer was that I always got strength and focused my energy on him. It made my day when I saw my son having fun with his mommy and daddy. We even went to the beach as a family and the park and other family things. I used those times to show her my changes were gonna stick. It was easy for her to see how much I was able to control my anger. I tried my best to just be a fun happy guy during those times. It's easy if you focus on your child.

 

I really feel for anybody that has to go through this when a child is involved. Remember guys, stay focused on your kids. I got so much strength from my son. Also remember to not worry about setbacks. Accept that they will happen. I had so many setbacks where I thought of just becoming an assh*le and forget about trying.

 

An important thing I learned... Put your significant other first. If you do that it will be easier to have a stable home for your child. Right after my son was born I neglected my gf and focused too much on my son. I realized that if I focused on her more it would make raising my son easier. Having two happy, emotionally healthy parents is always a good environment for raising a child.

Edited August 13, 2013 by hinatticus

[240Zest]

I still have no idea why this has happened (although on my other thread, folk are certain it was another man).

 

Before you can even move forward I suggest you put a lot of time into thinking about why this has happened to you. It is important because you need to be able to understand what went wrong, why it went wrong, and where it went wrong. I just kept reminding myself of this Einstein quote "You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it." Basically if I wanted to win my family back then my mindset had to change. I had to put my pride and ego to the side to be able to understand where I messed up in the relationship so that I could work on changing those problems for the future. You also have to genuinely want to make these changes as this is gonna be a very long road you're heading down.

 

My ex has cheated on me before(Kissed another guy once. No sex) and that is why I have been treating her so poorly in the past year. It's easy to completely blame her for what she did, but I did a lot of thinking and tried to understand her side of things and saw that although cheating is never okay. I wasn't emotionally there for her and neglected her. I thought I forgave her by giving her a second chance, but I was still bitter about it. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized what I have been doing to our relationship.