1 year today

[73Fras]

One year ago my best friend muttered those words: I want a separation to find me, to find out why I haven't been happy for the last few years..

 

This past 365 days has been a roller coaster ride for sure. We aren't divorced yet as our state requires living separated for 365 days + 1 day before we can file. So technically tomorrow is the 1st day one of us can file and it doesn't look like either of us will...

 

Where to start:

 

I have known my ex since I was 9 years ago and he was 11. I grew up 4 houses apart and had been in and out of his house as a family friend growing up. We never dated as teenagers - did flirt some and kissed twice but otherwise I was just a close friend of his entire family.

He joined the military and moved away while I was still in school. During the Gulf War, feelings developed between us as we begin pen pals and immediately upon his return started up a romantic relationship. Within just a few months I moved down to where he was stationed and we were young and just having a blast. We were so comfortable with each other.

Within a few months, he came under orders to go to Germany and we both wanted to go together but that meant we had to get married and married quick. We decided then, that we were young enough to give this a try and if by chance it didn't work - we were young enough to bounce back.

Within 2 years there, I wanted out. I was miserable but it was hard to tell if I was miserable being in Germany or miserable with him. So we took a trip home and I didn't see a better life for me in my home town with my family so back to German I went. I was 20 and he was 22 at this point.

After returning back to the states, we started a grown up life, bought a house, both worked, etc and were always great friends but pretty incompatible in certain aspects such as sex/romance/finances. But we kept at it - short term separations due to either me taking a job that had me move away for 4-6 mths to his frequent military trips. In hindsight, I think we survived all these years because just as we were at our wits end, he would go away and we eventually missed each other and homecomings were great and we rode that months, rinse/repeat..

 

At about the 5 yr mark we started trying for a baby and this was very challenging for us. It took us almost 5 years and definitely tested us but after our son was born, I felt closer to him than ever before. Then 9/11 happened and the next war started and that changed each of us. My ex had a very hard time leaving his son and his military goals changed. He wanted to change his job which was shocking as he fought so hard to be where he was at. This change meant we had to move and for the 1st time in our 11 yr marriage I was not supporting his career choice. We had just bought a house (4 mths earlier) I had an awesome job that I didn't want to leave. So I told him to go and I would follow in a year or so. I will later have this lack of support thrown in my face but never knew then how much he resented me as he agreed to a compromise and delayed his transfer for 1 year and as agreed, I happily went there and took that year to prepare my work/house/finances for the change.

 

After moving, things were good (or so I thought) - we ended up having a 2nd child which was great but changed the dynamics. I was working full time from home, caring for a newborn and a 4 year and maintaining the house. I never realized how stressed out and resentful I was becoming. Over the last 2-3 years, my ex was given a dream assignment and literally has fallen in love with work. His affair is/was with his job. He would work on his off days, he would volunteer for every trip possible. He missed family vacations or left early for a work thing. I no longer was able to compete with his job and he was not happy being home or having me "nag" for more of his time. He became different - friends started noticing how nasty he would talk to me, how he would stop sharing his where abouts or his travel schedules. If I didn't know this man for 31 years, I guess I should believe he was having a real affair but I have never known him to lie to anyone - regardless of the situation so even now I believe this to be true.

We started counseling about 3 mths before he moved out and he went from wanting to fight for me/us to hearing her validate that we never should have been married as we never were in love, never learned how to be intimate and we never would be. So he moved out and immediately got an apartment.

 

So over this past year, we have done some half assed attempts to reconcile. Each taking turns wanting to put the effort in, but definitely I have been more willing than he. Part of the problem this past year is that he continued to work and travel a lot so he was able to escape and avoid facing being separated. His day to day life was the same. In fact in the 1st 9 mths of being separated, he only was "home" at his apartment 20 times. he was lucky he was able to avoid facing his decision. However these 9 months, anytime he was in the area we would spend time together as a family and we got along great. We still communicated regularly and only fought when we discussed either the separation agreement or reconciliation. Go figure. We spent all the holidays together, we went on a ski trip as a family etc and honestly the only awkward part was who would pay for what. And yes we continued to have sex occasionally.

 

Well two months ago - the family home sold after 7 mths of being on the market and the condition was a quick closing. My goal was to move an hour away to a new school district but not before the school yr ended. So my ex offered his apartment to the kids and I for the 2 months. It was weird but mostly worked. His traveling also dramatically reduced so he has been around now facing his decisions and quite often seems to be second guessing his decision but then an hour later he reminds himself of something and is angry and back to standing his ground. We have had many discussions where for the life of me I cant understand why he is done working on us, but will still text/email/call almost daily? Why we are divorcing when we still both admit to loving each more very much. Why we are divorcing when we can have family dinners weekly? How we can be divorcing when he is the one that helped the kids and I move into my new home?

 

I finally mentioned to him this past weekend that I was going to file for divorce the 1st day we could (tomorrow) and it looked like I punched him in the gut. He was visibly upset. and after talking for a long time over two days, we have both agreed to wait to file and plan to talk some more.

 

Neither of us have moved on romantically but have logistically. This past month we each bough homes but still closely involved the other one in the process. Its weird I tell ya.

 

He needs counseling to help him understand why he thinks/feels the way he does but says he has no time or desire to face his demons. I believe that I will never get closure if we keep spending so much time together but if I say no or avoid him, than he is upset/angry or thinks I am with someone or says that I am lying about wishing we would work things out. I feel damned either way.

 

Friends that spend time with us have stated that if they didn't know better, they would have no clue we were going through a divorce. Oddly they have even commented that we seem more respectful towards each other and both happier.

 

I admit today, 1 year into a separation I am happier than I was 365 days ago - but how long will I try and hold on? It's great to have everything civil , especially for the kids, but its making it sooooo hard to accept as well..

 

Sorry for rambling -

Edited August 1, 2013 by 73Fras

[Echo000]

sounds like you both have love and respect for each other, but it was not meant to be. It sounds like for whatever reason, you guys as a couple are incompatible and are having (understandably) the hardest time accepting that. You guys dont seem to actually want to be together, yet are too afraid to let go and move on (hence why you argue only when you discuss separation or reconciliation).

 

Honestly, as hard as it sounds, the best advice i think there is in your situation is to move on. Eventually, find someone else. Your whole life has been around this one man, and although that makes it so much harder, that is all the more reason to make your life about other people and pursuits. And yes you have a son, and you two should still be civil toward each other. But finalize the divorce, and turn the page.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Having spent a career in the military, I know your husband. No not physically, but the service is loaded with guys just like him. I even have to admit that all of us probably spend too much time on the job at the expense of our families. However, you husband is just one of those guys that not only enjoys the job, it is his identity. While I love the service and was proud of my service, it wasn’t who I was. The problem is that eventually you have to retire and if that is the only life you know, now you are nothing. One day you are somebody very important to the organization and they can’t do without you and the next day you are just Joe Civilian.

 

The sad thing is after he retires he will realize that the most important position he has ever held in life is husband and father, which is something that you should not give up for love of money or country. I think that you need to sit down with him and make a plan for you and your children. This plan needs to include how you can put this family back together, or how you want to move on with life. I am sure that he does love his family, but he can't expect you to just take the crumbs that he saves for you. You are way too important to accept that kind of life.